Better Advice, Better Marriage Ch. 01

And with that he went upstairs and grabbed a set of work clothes for the next day, found his kids playing out in the neighbor's yard and explained how mommy and daddy had had a misunderstanding, that he had to go work late out of town like he did some nights and that he would be back in a few days.

--

After he was gone, Sue called Lynne and asked for a shoulder to cry on. The kids played themselves to exhaustion outside, running and shrieking and laughing until the street lights came on and the mosquitos found them. After they were in bed, the friends meet up on Lynn's back deck.

Sue explains the whole, sordid mess, starting with her desire to help an old college friend, Mandy, in her fledgling counseling business and explaining their ties back to their days of political activism and women's rights. Mandy had always been more militant than most (okay, all) of their friends and had only become more extreme in the intervening years.

After Sue finishes with the story of the rape accusation and Jon moving out, Lynne asks simply, "Do you still love him?"

"Despite it all, I really do, Lynne," Sue frowns. "It was one thing to talk with Mandy about setting up a bank account to protect myself and quite another to watch him walk out tonight with a suitcase in his hand. I love him and I want him in my life and the kid's lives. The only problem has been about sex."

"Sex I can offer advice about; I'm not so sure about marriage in general. I mean, I couldn't hold my marriage together. I loved Chuck, too, except when he drank."

"Thank God Jon and I aren't afflicted with that. But the sex was good?"

"Oh, my heaven's -- the sex was fantastic. There was never any doubt about what he wanted and that was me. I was his and his alone and we were like chips and salsa -- hot, spicy and made for each other! And then that damn bottle stole him from me. Alcohol made him a different person -- abusive, womanizer, unemployable. For my own safety, sanity and the sake of Ashley and Charlie we left and I moved back home. And I am so glad I found a place right around the corner from my dearest high school friend. But the truth is, as much as I'd like to help... I'm not much of a marriage counselor. Great sex wasn't enough to hold my marriage together."

"Shit, Lynne, I've been listening to a 'marriage counselor' who has all but completely destroyed my marriage. I could use some solid advice from someone who at least likes men and knows how to have great sex with them. Jon and I used to have a great relationship and great sex. Somehow, I got caught up in trying to make him a better person, though, and ruined the sex."

"So what was great about the sex early in your marriage?"

"Oh, I don't know. There was passion; there was fire. He knew what he wanted and he went for it. Jon was a little older than me in college and more experienced. I let him teach me about things."

"So, what happened?"

"After the kids were born, sex got, I don't know, boring. I mean, he lost that confidence, that 'take charge' attitude. It was like he didn't know how to make love to me anymore. At first, he was so hesitant -- like he was afraid of hurting me. And then it was just different -- like making love to the mother of his children was different than screwing around with his wife. I mean, he is a compassionate, gentle and caring lover. But..." she shrugs. "Is it wrong for me to just want, every now and then, for him to be a man and just do it, you know?"

"Personally, I don't think that's wrong. I liked it when Chuck would be a little demanding sometimes. Do you think you might have been pushing him to see how far he would go before he did just that?"

"Maybe..." Sue is thoughtful for a moment. "Don't get me wrong, I love him being tender with me. I love the way he takes care of me and makes me feel special. It has been good that way; Mandy was right at least that far but... the other night... I don't know. When he came at me like that? I realized what I've been missing. Sex has been too nice, too proper."

"Is that how you feel about your sex life? It is 'nice' and 'proper'?"

"It sounds so wrong when you say it like that, but yeah," Sue concedes. "I thought that's what I wanted -- for him to adore me and give me pleasure. And he does. And most times I like that but sometimes... I want more."

"You want not just his tender side but his passion, too. Without having to say it, you want him to want you that much, like it was when you were first married."

"Lynne, you may be on to something. I guess I really didn't see it but I wanted him to just want me bad enough that the passion would come out. That was what was so fantastic about the other night. It was like I pushed enough of the right buttons that he finally cared enough to let his emotions run away with him. There was like this feral beast inside him that just broke out and pounced. I couldn't have stopped him if I tried."

"That's it. You've pushed him now to express the passion and he has. Now build him back up; give him whatever he wants, whenever he wants it."

"Lynne! You can't be serious. Mandy says..."

"Look, all I know is that the best sex that Chuck and I ever had was when I let him push me into stuff that I thought was crazy, sick and perverted. I never would have done some of the things he suggested. Except that he suggested it and he really wanted to try it. And I accepted it because I was his wife and I loved him. And it was freaking fantastic, Sue! He was demanding and rude and outrageous and I have never felt so connected or loved or cherished as when we did some of those things."

"But what about your dignity?"

"Screw dignity! Sex is not dignified. Not if you're doing it right at least. I'd rather have a great 'O' any day than finish the night dignified. Oh, sure there were some things that he wanted to try that I wasn't having any part of but I just said it wasn't for me and that we should try something else that we can both enjoy. Making him feel like he is a creep for suggesting it is a really quick way to shut down communication between the two of you."

"So, what do you think I need to do?"

"I think you already know what you need to do. Stop settling for 'nice and proper' sex and let him be a man sometimes. Maybe not all the time but sometimes. Win back his trust. Sit down with him, apologize for how you've treated him and tell him that you want him to take charge of your sex life like he did when you were first married. Show him that even though you can be independent of him, you are choosing to be dependent as an act of love. "

Although it went against everything that Sue had been espousing for years, she knew that Lynne was right. Whether the "world" thought it was right or not, didn't matter. What did matter was what she wanted and what Jon wanted and that was to be together.

--

The next morning, Sue went and squared the police, insisting that she did not want to press any charges, that there was never any rape incident and that Mandy was simply wrong when she filed the report. Then she called her husband and invited him home for dinner. After another day or two, he moved back home, although he took to sleeping in the guest bedroom rather than their bedroom. It just seemed prudent.

As always, the majority of their lives were fine. They parented the kids together. They went to their jobs and pursued successful careers. Sex? Not so much.

A couple big changes did happen, though. Sue told Mandy that she was way out of line with the rape report and that she wouldn't be coming back for any more counseling sessions. And she admitted to Jon that she might have taken the "men are all pigs that objectify women" message too far. She no longer wanted to put conditions on their sex life and she promised to be more open to his sexual advances.

Jon was skeptical. This had the feeling of a trap, something to get him to let down his guard and do something stupid that could be turned against him. But as the days wore on and Sue's tune didn't change, he began to see a glimmer of hope that she had had a true change of heart.

One evening, after the kids were in bed, Sue reiterated her commitment to him and their marriage, showed him the statement closing her "private" bank account and told him yet again of her love and desire to please him without conditions or "payments" from him.

"You just want me to take what I want?"

"Yes. Lynne helped me realize I've been putting too many conditions on our intimate times and made you focus on my pleasure. I want you to just focus on you."

"I'd like to feel like I can trust you. I hear what you are saying and want to believe you. I just don't know how to take that step and trust again, that I can be free to express exactly what I want physically."

"What can I do to prove it to you? To start building that trust? What if I give you a day of physical pleasure just for you?"

"Without having to 'earn it'?"

"No strings attached. You've given me plenty of oral sex as of late (and I really, really liked that!) and now it is your turn; tomorrow, I'll give you as much oral sex as you want."

Jon smiles at her. It sounds great; he wishes he could believe it. "Okay, right. We'll see."