Beyond Marriage and Infidelity Ch. 01

Before commencing I would like to offer my heartfelt thanks to those who have read my two previous contributions. I appreciate any and all comments. Believe it or not there have been times when I have felt like Robinson Crusoe, stranded, alone and with no one to turn to. I am especially grateful for those readers who have found some level of common experience with the issues I have explored. To help with some context it would help to read my first review/essay Marriage and Infidelity: Lessons from Loving Wives and Marriage and Infidelity: Ch 2 Choices before this autobiographical episode.

This third instalment begins after the mourning period after I lost my wife of twenty-five years to cancer. I truly cannot remember everything that happened in the eighteen months following her passing. I must admit to having an unhealthy dose of survivor guilt, since I had made significant errors of judgement (i.e. my extramarital affair) that caused my wife stress and grief.

It took quite some time before I felt confident enough to engage life once more - this time alone for the first time in decades. A married acquaintance of mine suggested that I should regularly drink at nearby pubs to become used to being in the company of strangers again, as well as the possibility of finding some unattached women. Apparently that was how he had found his second wife. However I wasn't naturally a social drinker - if I drank I preferred it to be with friends at home. So trolling pubs for sex-starved middle-aged women wasn't a comfortable proposition. My shrink suggested that I might try registering with some of the online dating sites that were starting to become very popular on the Internet. I told him I'd consider it and visited some of the sites to gain an idea of how things worked.

I first needed a profile - that was one of the most difficult tasks I had undertaken for many years. I tried to be positive without sounding too arrogant. Eventually I ended up with a profile that I could comfortably live with and published it with one of the most popular sites. To be honest I hadn't any clue as to how my profile would be received. For a number of weeks I did not receive any "hits" and it began to look like no one was interested in the qualities I had to offer. About a month in I received a couple of hits from women who seemed to show some interest. I decided to correspond with the first woman Angela and two weeks later we had progressed to the point of setting up an initial meeting at a up-market café/bistro in a neighbouring suburb. The Saturday night it was set for I had been a total bundle of nerves - shit what should I wear? Fuck, my wardrobe was so old-hat! I found the least used shirt and chinos and drove over to the rendezvous point. Right on time I was rewarded with the sight of an absolutely beautiful woman - by beautiful I mean naturally attractive.

She held the hand of a small child. I did double-take but sufficiently recovered to introduce myself with the minimum of stuttering. We found a table and the three of us sat and ordered beverages. She told me that she had brought her youngest daughter for added security which I said I completely understood. Besides she was a lovely active child who was happy drawing with the paper and crayons that her mother had packed for our meeting. We ordered coffee and chatted getting to know things about each other. She was amicably divorced and her ex played an active role in the lives of his two daughters, the eldest who was 14. We both discussed our reservations about online dating sites. She had been involved in them for some time and proceeded to get me up to speed as to the major dos and don'ts. She said a lot of the male respondents were simply looking for sexual partners with no strings attached.

Angela said that out of respect for her girls she never entertained males at her home. I found her openness and honesty refreshing and truly enjoyed talking with a woman for the first time in almost two years. I certainly wasn't expecting our first meet would lead to a jump in the hay but found that it was a non-threatening way of breaking the ice. I admitted to her that this was a novel experience for me as I had been out of the dating loop for decades. She seemed to also enjoy that there was no subtle or overt pressure from me for physical relations. I was honest and told her some of my previous history with my wife regarding our sexless marriage despite deep affection.

Before we knew it we had spent several hour chatting and her young daughter was tiring and ready to leave for home. We exchanged mobile numbers and agreed to continue our "getting to know" phase through regular contact. When I left to return home I was pleased that I had pushed aside my feelings of shyness and clumsiness and had made the effort.

Over the next month, we talked by phone at least twice weekly. Now I had never ever found myself in a situation with a potential partner who had been divorced and who had children. This was by no means a deal breaker for me but I felt behind the eight ball as far as how we would deal with her daughters and their attitude to me intruding in their lives and how I would be treated by her ex.

We had said nothing about exclusivity and both continued to interact with possible contacts via the online website.

Received a contact email from one such woman, Christine and we agreed to meet at a restaurant close to where she lived. Again I was on tenterhooks waiting for her to arrive. I recognised her from her site picture and we introduced each other. Both of us were not especially hungry so we settled for coffee and began talking. I explained that I was a widower with two teen-aged sons and living in my own house.

Christine explained that she was a divorcee and that she also lived with her two adult sons. She also mentioned an elder daughter who had left for the UK to find work. We discussed our careers, our likes and dislikes in music, literature and film. She had divorced her husband some time ago and he lived in the same capital city and owned a plastics manufacturing business. From the few hints she revealed, her husband had found a lover and decided that she would be the new woman in his life.

I got the distinct impression that the split was a somewhat acrimonious one and had shaken her to her core. There was still considerable bitterness on her part. But she had managed to pick herself off the floor and held a very important position in a tertiary institution responsible for assisting academic staff successfully tender for government and non-government research grants. I was most impressed, but was a little surprised when she described these academics in far from glowing terms; in fact I could only conclude that as a group she loathed them. Now one of the bits of personal information that I decided to hold back concerning myself was my own academic qualifications (2 Bachelor degrees, 2 Graduate diplomas, 1 Master's degree in archaeology). I didn't exactly dumb myself down but simply recognised that the woman had very definite views and I didn't want to potentially ruin things this early into our "relationship". So I decided not to disclose my University qualifications in her presence.

We exchanged mobile numbers and agreed to meet at a time and place mutually acceptable. This time it was at a seafood restaurant closer to my home. The food was passable and we talked in more depth about our situations. Upon finishing I drove Christine back to her car and decided to kiss her lightly on the lips and thank her for a great time. I got the shock of my life when her whole body began to shake and spasm. My first thoughts were that she was experiencing an epileptic fit.

After a minute or two she calmed down enough to catch her ragged breath. She noted my concerned look and told me not to be alarmed. She then informed me that she was multi-orgasmic and in the right circumstances would explode like fireworks. Jesus, this was a definite first for me as although I had read about women with this facility, this was a truly novel experience!

Armed with this new information we decided to continue to see each other. I learnt that she had been involved with another fellow prior to my arrival on the scene. At first the details about him were kept pretty low key. But during our times together she began to reveal further details about him which I found somewhat disturbing.

He had been a wealthy man who had inherited a trust from his parents. She also revealed that he was an intravenous drug user (heroin I assumed). We made several dates including dancing as well as having video nights at her place. We eventually made love during one of these trysts and seemed to hit it off to our mutual satisfaction. All was going well into the first few months of our blossoming relationship. Then Christine brought up the idea of getting engaged and marrying. Initially I felt that this was a major change and that I would have preferred to take things more slowly. But she was particularly stubborn on the idea and I acquiesced to getting engaged. She and her kids were still on reasonable speaking terms with her ex.

She and I worked on her home garden and similar projects. I enjoyed contributing to something tangible. However I got the distinct impression that her apparent haste in the engagement and marriage idea was somehow tied up with her need to show her ex and his new wife that she could match them - sort of a face-saving.

It was also around this time when our sex-life began to decline somewhat for no discernible reason. Another more troublesome disclosure was that her previous lover had forced unprotected anal sex on her which she hated. Now I admit to a degree of naïveté - I assumed that we were exclusive and my previous vasectomy meant that unwanted pregnancy was not an issue. I did begin to have very uneasy feelings about C's past sexual life and the possible impact on my health. I had lost a younger brother to HIV/AIDS and was made painfully aware of the risks associated with unprotected sex.

We coasted along to the point where we experimented with her moving into my home which I shared with my youngest teenage son. Some of her favourite pieces of furniture were moved in and in the beginning things seemed to be smooth sailing. That was until she began to start disciplining my youngest son on his behaviour. He told me about the encounter. I could well understand his fury with her attempts to take over a controlling "mother" role. So we discussed the issues and I explained that she really had no right to interfere in the father-son relationship I had.

Needless to say things began to decline steadily after this incident. Before long I persuaded Christine to move her stuff back to her home. We still maintained a semblance of a relationship, but the sex was zero. I was beginning to have severe doubts that this was a good thing for me. She met with me at my home one Sunday and explained that she was very disappointed in me and that was one of the main reasons for our dwindling sex. I calmly stated that I had no patience with any partner who unilaterally decided to use the withholding of sexual activity as a "stick" over me to persuade me to toe the line. She lost her temper and threw the engagement ring at me and stormed out.

I was disappointed with what had transpired and tried to make sense of it all. Strangely enough my biggest concern was to have myself tested for a whole battery of STDs including the dreaded HIV/Hep C, this being prompted by Christine's revelations of her prior sexual activities with the anal-sex loving, rich druggie. Thankfully my tests came back negative! My relationship with my youngest son improved greatly and I think we both felt a collective relief that the failed experiment was finally over. The experience made me take stock and it was some considerable time before I again tempted fate with online dating. Being the dumb schmuck that I was, I would prove to be a slow learner!