tagHumor & SatireBig Bang 2012

Big Bang 2012


Dateline: December 27, 2012

Horatio Elton Algiers the third was content. The machine was finally almost finished, it had taken decades.

He was going to know the truth, no more speculations. He stepped back, watching the automatic flush urinal do it's thing, once again forgetting to zip up his pants as he did not even notice the splashes of urine on his shoes.

That was a never ending joke around the Hadron Supercollider, the work crew would see that and mutter, "Stupid Motherfucker" under their breath.

Doctor Algiers was the world's smartest man, you see. All of the newspaper and TV stories said so.

He was so smart, so lost completely in his own thoughts that he often had no idea at all of what was going on around himself.

Doctor Algiers first noticed the slight hum as he pushed the button on the elevator for the main floor level. It got louder as the lift moved downwards.

His mind was on Frank, the new hire that had been brought in. There was a nagging thought deep in the back of his mind, right behind the theories of space and time and it's relationship to dark energy.

There was something about a stimulus package also, all of a sudden they had monstrous amounts of funding from somewhere. The government had hired nearly everyone they could find, putting them to work building things.

Doctor Algiers had been busy thinking, so when Frank had walked in saying he was an electrician, he asked him if he could read blueprints.

"Yea." The man had said.

Then when handing him the wiring schematic for the control panel, Frank had asked him why they were white instead of blue.

That went right over the head of Doctor Algiers, his thought had been on black holes and how they were created at the time. Such magical forces of the universe, everything held in a perfect dance and balance, a wondrous thing to think about, discover.

He had no time for the daily trials of life, or to be concerned about wiring, things like that.

He also knew he needed to go upstairs to take a leak. Why they put all the damn johns three levels up he never knew, they just did.

But then this was a government project, which often explained everything.

Frank was standing there looking at something when Doctor Algiers walked into the main control room. For a moment, he didn't understand, then he saw the glow. It was so bright he could not look at it, he had to look away.

"What did you just do?" He asked Frank.

"I don't know, I was hooking up the fucking wires is all."

Doctor Algiers looked down at the open door of the main control panel, saw the black wires were hooked directly to the green ones. The glow was now bright white and getting larger, the deep hum beginning to overwhelm the room.

"Oh, dear!" He said.

"Hey, it's not my faul...!" was as far as Frank got.


The new President was sitting in his office, discussing how they could convince the people that having government take over the fast food industry would be good for them.

Getting control of major industry wasn't too hard, first grab General Motors, run Toyota out of business. Probably grab them too when they got to the point where they couldn't pay their light bill.

Banking wasn't hard at all to get control of, all he had to do was wave money and they all lined right up!

Too late they found out about the pay Czar.

Once that was done health care was next, That was a bit harder but a few bribes and some threats and the Senators and Congress fell right into line. Then energy, get control of that and there would be plenty of money to pay the Chinese their 1% interest on the treasury notes.

Right behind that was the plans for the construction industry, easy stuff, just say he had to protect the public from shoddy workmanship.

Things were falling right into line.

The Czars were all sitting around discussing how much salt was going to be allowed in each Big Mac and fries and how many calories would be in the breakfast, lunch and dinner program for all school children until age 28 when one of his aides rushed in and whispered something in his ear.

"Oh, shit!" The President exclaimed, leaping to his feet. The aide said something else, then the President's face turned pure white.

Considering his nationality, that was noticeable.

"What's up, boss?" His chief of staff asked.

"There has been an accident, the Supercollider is creating a black hole, and it has a runaway nuclear fire."

The Vice President started to make a wisecrack about "black holes", since that comment made him think of the fact that the President's wife was...

He managed to get his mouth shut barely in time, the last few times he had said something without thinking that fucking Fox news had had a field day.

"Just wait until we get total control of the media." He thought, then it hit him what the President had just said.


"The Supercollider, it is out of control."

"Oh, shit!" The Vice President exclaimed, looking around quickly to make sure there were no microphones nearby.

"What do we do?" The Car Czar asked, having overheard some of that.

"How about we send some bombers over there?" The Armed Forces Czar asked.

"And do what?" Asked the Secretary of State in a snotty tone. She always managed to remain calm, no matter what.

That was her strong point, even back when she had caught her hubby sticking his cigar in that bimbo, she had remained stone calm.

Amazing what a few simple pills will do.

She had waited until they were inside with the door closed before she kicked hubby right in the nuts that time, then went out with a smiling face and met with the press.

She even stayed completely calm when her husband stood on stage, with world peace on the line and dignitaries perched on chairs behind him, answering all of those questions about sperm stains on dresses.

Later she kicked him in the balls a second time, just for the hell of it.

Yep, a few pills solved almost everything.

The Armed Forces Czar was saying something about her being a bitch, in his usual nasty manner. Irritated, she calmly walked over to him and kicked him in the balls.

That felt good, she thought as she walked out the door. She went down the hall to the Presidential bedroom, saw the door was open and just walked in.

The President's wife looked up in surprise, then smiled. She had a text in her hand.

"I just heard on Twitter." She said.

"We might as well, I know you and I have always wanted to." The Secretary of State told her, as she reached out and took her in her arms. She kicked the door shut, it locked automatically as they kissed.

Back in the main meeting room, the Armed Forces Czar was suggesting using nukes to blow the fucking black hole to kingdom come, he had been wanting to use the nukes on something for years now.

He was still pissed off that they wouldn't let him nuke Grenada, then when that Chavez guy had done some yapping, right behind that the little turd from North Korea?

Golden fucking opportunities there, what the hell was the matter with all of the pussies in government, anyway?

Drop a few nukes here and there, Iran would get the piss scared out of them, then they could get all that oil.

Fucking radioactive oil would burn just fine, probably up the octane rating, too.

The President wanted to ask the House Majority leader what she thought but she was off somewhere getting her hair done again. His mind flashed back to when she had dropped by the oval office to discuss what it would take to get those last two votes, then she had smiled and one thing led to another....

He had sneaked a smoke after, that had been a kick in the ass. At $27 bucks a pack he had been trying to cut down, even if the taxpayers did pay for them.

Best to not let his mind wander, he thought.

The President got another message. There seemed to be no way to stop the problem, so the entire planet was going to be a brand new Sun in just a few days, then it would collapse into a tiny little ball.

He tweeted his answer, "Some days life just sucks!" Then he got up and left. He walked down the hall to the Washington bedroom. That lady from the afternoon talk TV show was staying there again. He knocked, she answered the door.

"Have you heard?" He asked.

She just nodded, reached out and pulled him into the bedroom. She quickly stripped, her heavy breasts sagged down quite a bit but they looked rather nice. Then she sank to her knees, tugging the President's slacks down.

"Oh, my! You are Presidential!" She exclaimed, and went to work.

Back in the meeting room, the Armed Forces Czar was suggesting sending a fleet of bombers to dump water on the thing.

"You do realize it's about 3 million fucking degrees, don't you, you stupid ass?" The Chief of Staff told him, poking him in the chest with one finger.

"Who do you think you are calling a stupid ass?" The other man roared, reaching for him.

That started the fistfight, the rest of them all just left them there, slugging it out.


Nelson Armstrong sat in his office looking out over the city. He loved his office, it had huge windows, he could look down at the street below and see the tiny little dots that were people.

Damn near every single one of them owed him money, he loved that part. As head of one the world's largest financial institutions, he had it made.

Then that secretary of his, what a woman. She always wore her tops showing almost everything, even her nipples when she bent over to serve him his coffee. He told her to never wear panties either, he was a busy man and some things he needed to take care of in a hurry.

She understood perfectly the duties of a good secretary, especially when he had written down the amount that her salary would be, pushing it across the desk to her with a smile.

She had simply slid underneath the desk and took care of things.

Now he was waiting for his Coffee, where in the hell was she? Finally he got up and went to look out, she was bent over the outside desk and the tall good looking clerk from the mail department was giving it to her good.

"What in the....Stop that!" He demanded. She couldn't do that, she was his personal assistant.

"Oh, shove it up your ass, Nelson!" She said, looking up but not missing a stroke.


"Don't you ever Tweet? You can take that little four inch thing of yours and stick it up your ass!" She said, panting as the guy bounced her so hard her bare titties were swinging back and forth wildly.

Nelson went back into his office, called security.

Nobody answered.

He looked out the window, cars were jammed solid every which way. He turned on the office TV, CNN came on. Nobody was talking, in the background he could see one of the female announcers, she was down on her back getting it from a guy wearing what looked like a headset.

Just then the man that had the afternoon talk show walked by the camera, he had a bottle of whiskey and was stark naked.

Nelson began to suspect that something was going on. On the desk lay one of those tiny little computer phone things, he picked it up and started to scroll through all of the messages.

For a moment he sat there in shock. Then he went over to his office computer, in just a half dozen strokes he had transferred all of the money in the company account to one in Switzerland.

What the hell, he had been planning on that anyway, every since that Madoff guy had gotten away with 60 billion. Hell, everybody even knew about that one ahead of time but they were making so much money they didn't care.

Time to get out of here, he thought. He picked up the phone to have his car brought around.

No one answered. _

"I'm not on the pill!" The famous golfer's wife said as the pool boy slid her panties down.

But she had a grin on her face as she looked down at the size of the thing sticking out in front of the overly muscled young man.

"I don't think it fucking matters!" He said, dropping to his knees to bury his face in her.

She tipped her head back in pleasure at the touch of his tongue.

"This will fix the little bastard!" She thought, thinking she should have smacked him a couple of more times with that damned golf club.

She was still mad because he had mostly been pissed off that she had bent his favorite 9 iron.


Colton got the news on his way to work at the Video store. He was still furious because they had cut his wages, the damn porno videos just didn't rent like they used to. Everyone on the planet only had to click on Google search and they could watch anything they wanted to for free. Hell, the night before he had watched videos of one wife after another greet the Pizza delivery boy stark naked, there were literally hundreds of just those.

He kinda liked those, though. He had been thinking of switching jobs.

He made the turn towards the Video store, then he looked up and there was that fat comedian guy from the late night talk show, driving some bright red imported convertible that must have cost a quarter of a million bucks.

Smack dab in front of him, too. Just then he heard the news on the radio. The announcer sounded a bit frightened, then the radio went silent. He almost ran off the road when they said it was about 3 days away at the rate the thing was gobbling up Europe.

Holy fuck!

The red sports car slowed in front of him, he looked again and realized there were two people in the car. The one in the passenger seat's head was going up and down, the fat comedian had his head leaned back. All Colton could see was the back of a blond head.

Colton put the right front fender of his 1974 Buick against the left rear of the sports car, and stepped on the gas.

The little car went spinning, just like on that Cops show on TV. He laughed hysterically, he had always wanted to do that to some rich bastard.

He pulled off to the side of the road and got out. There was a Starbucks right there, of course. There always was. Starbucks were everywhere. They would be in the middle of all the intersections if it wasn't for zoning laws. But no one was around. Colton went inside, made himself one of those big chocolate flavored coffees, then back outside he sat down on the curb to watch the show.

Wrecks everywhere, people running all over the place, all sorts of shit going on.

He giggled to himself at having just saved $4.95.


The President smiled at the afternoon TV talk show host, she lay back naked, her brown body glistening with sweat.

"Not bad, not bad at all" He thought, but he had been surprised to discover that she did look one hell of a lot better with clothes on.

Oh, well. He headed back down the hallway just as the Secretary of State came out of the Presidential bedroom. That wasn't really a surprise. Hell, he didn't really give a shit. He reached over and patted her rather ample behind.

"So what do we do?" She asked him, falling into step.

"Nothing we can do, I guess."

Just then the Chief of Staff came running out. They noticed he had a bloody nose and some scratches on his face.

"Iran just fired off some nukes at Israel!" He said.

"Really? Why? I thought you told us they wouldn't even have any for at least 10 years?"

"We don't know, but it seems they do."

"Well, Nuke'em back!" He turned to walk away, thinking he would check with the kitchen and see if he could get a hot dog or something.

"Israel already did, besides, Iran missed and hit Egypt...and Syria. They apparently have lots of nukes but they can't hit the broad side of a barn." He giggled at that.

"Oh, hell! I ain't got time for this shit!" The President said. They went on down the hallway, there was nobody in the kitchen.

His wife came in and threw a half dozen nice meaty hot dogs in the microwave and pushed the button. The Secretary of State had no idea at all how to work the thing.

They sat and ate them quietly.

"So what do you want to do?" He asked his wife, wiping a dab of mustard off his upper lip.

She grinned at him.

"Oh. OK. Why the hell not?"


Later, the President was on his way down to see what his staff was up to, when the Chief of Staff ran up to him.

The guy was getting to be a bit of a pain in the ass.

"What?" He demanded.

"It stopped."

"What stopped?"

"The black hole, the nuclear fires, they just stopped."

"How in the hell did that happen?"

"The Chinese, they had a collider reverser."

"A what? They did? How?"

"It seems General Electric sold it to them."

"Oh. Well, that's good news, I guess. But how? It took us nearly 20 years to build the one that we..."

"Yes. The Chinese did it in two years,...with shovels. They said they had to, we owed them too much money."

"Well. I will be darned. Better call a meeting."

"OK." The Chief of Staff ran off to set up the meeting.

The next day they all gathered in the main chambers.

"Where were we?" The President asked.

"Your idiot Chief of Staff wants us to allow 60 grams of salt on the Big Macs and fries." The Armed Forces Czar said.

"People won't eat them with any less, and don't you call me an idiot, you asshole!"

"You keep calling me an asshole and I will whip your fucking ass!"

"If you two bastards don't stop calling each other fucking names, we will never get anything done!" The Vice President said, looking around quickly to see if there were any microphones.

"Who are you calling a bastard?" They both said in unison.

"Fuck this!" The President said, then he left and went down to the oval office. He reached for the remote, started scanning though the channels. All of them were blank, until he got to Fox news.

"...Trying to take our entire way of life and change it to socialism, spending money we don't have like water!" The man on the screen leaned into the camera lens with an intense expression.

Just then his secretary came in.

"What's this?" He asked her.

"Oh, Fox news stayed on the air the whole time." She said.

"Swell. Say, I was thinking..." He looked her up and down. She blushed shyly at his gaze.

"Sir? I should tell you, I am a Republican."

"Really? Perfect! Come over here, please." He told her, unzipping his pants.

Later, as he sat back finished with her, he was quite pleased. He loved to fuck Republicans.

Just then there was a knock on the door. It was the Chief of Staff.

"What?" He demanded.

"Virginia, sir. They just seceded from the Union."

"What? They can't do that!"

"It seems they did, sir. And Texas? Mexico invaded it."

"Well, kick them back out!"

"We can't. There isn't anybody but Mexicans in Texas."

"Great. Anything else?"

"Well, we are trying to get them to take California too but they say they don't want it."

"Oh. Well, I will come and deal with it in a few minutes. What's going on in the mid east?"

"There is no mid east, sir."

"OK. That solves that." He eyed the cute intern, thinking that she might be up for a rerun.

"Things sure are a mess, at least the world isn't going to end."

"Oh, on that, sir? There is another little problem. You need to turn on the TV, the Fox weather channel has a report."

"...strike in 3 days, according to reports. The Comet will pass around the Sun, and collide with the Earth as it comes back by." The voice on Fox news said.

"Now what in the hell do we do?" The Chief of Staff asked.

"Got any smokes?"

The chief of Staff handed him one, glanced at the cute intern that was sitting there with a wide eyed expression on her face.

"Say, boss, do you mind if I....?"

"Naw, go ahead. She is a Republican anyway."

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