Bill & Claudia Ch. 04

Bill returns to his old life...well, not quite.

After returning home he was called to the operating room. One of his patients, a young man in his care had suddenly worsened making surgery necessary. The operation was more than successful. The onlookers recognized his fore-to-be-seen skill and expertise in the delicate procedure. It was almost as though he was on automatic pilot; receiving instructions from some unforeseen source with each step he took without the need for reflection. It was "eerie" one of his assistants said to someone after the operation. He himself seemed surprised with what he'd done, as though he had been in some hypnotic trance during the procedure.

Of course no one knew the young man he saved would produce a line of progeny that one day would give birth to a scientist who was instrumental in combining anti-matter with matter when flight and space travel would be revolutionized to match the capabilities that had been reported with the countless number of UFO reports that were being made for thousands of years.

The following day he had a specialists examine his ear. With a grimace of pain a small unknown object was extracted from his auditory canal. He heard the sound it made when the physician dropped it into the pan. When the physician poured water on it to rinse the blood away, it vaporized and dissolved as though the water was acid.

Bill found himself becoming depressed noting the only thing keeping him going was his interaction with Claudia. He knew he had to do something and when we are put under the gun in life, we sometimes consider suicide as being a choice. Sometimes it seems like the easy way out of a situation we find ourselves in. Still he felt the need to live each day as he had done for so long; putting one foot ahead of the other each day.

There wasn't a day that passed when he'd call Claudia, or she'd call him. They exchanged emails when she told him how scared she was when she found him on the beach and hoped he would never do that to her again. It was clear to both of them they missed each other. She related the following about her childhood in one of her emails to him.

Email from Claudia:

Dear Bill,

I was an only child. I told you I had an anal fixation I believe. I don't know where or when I got my Raggedy-Ann doll but it seemed I always carried it around with me. I even slept with it.

My mother knew I was different very early on since I smiled so much. She told me I had a girl's smile and when she would change me she knew there was a contradiction in how I looked and smiled and with my body parts. She knew something didn't belong or go together. She said it was like seeing a milking cow, a dairymaid and a stein of beer when one of those things just didn't belong, unlike the others.

My parents used to go out on Saturday nights when Evelyn babysat with me. One of my fondest memories was in seeing my mother put on her makeup. I made it a point to always watch her. I stood by her side noting exactly how she did it. I thought it was the neatest thing imaginable; seeing her face becoming prettier than it already was.

When she was done I'd ask if she would make me look pretty too. She told me little boys don't wear makeup. I cried telling her I wanted to look pretty like her. I thought women were the superior of the sexes and looked far better than men; the way I wanted to look because it was how I thought of myself.

"Please," I begged her to put makeup on me. The first time she put a little lipstick on me. I looked at myself in her mirror before smiling at her. She smiled too and somehow I thought it was her way of accepting me. I hugged her feeling a deeper love in thinking she acknowledged who I was on the inside.

"Go show your father," she giggled encouraging me to do so. I did but he was not pleased. He teased me about it; hurting my feelings. Sometimes he'd come home from work and ask,

"Have you been a good boy or a bad girl today?"

I knew he was trying to get me to say I'd been a good boy but I'd just get angry with him; not answering him. He did this all the time until one day I stuck out my tongue at him and told him I'd been a good girl feeling there was nothing wrong with it and wanted to see what he was going to say about my declaration. I guess I challenged him and he looked upset.

I remember hearing my parents talking and arguing about me when they didn't know I could hear them. My mother kept defending me when I could tell he was unhappy with me and my behavior. He went as far as to blame her for my having a gender crisis. I began to dislike him wishing he was dead. I avoided him perhaps clinging to my mother too frequently. She was my chosen mentor, guardian and role model. No doubt I had bonded to her quite a bit.

They began to see how I behaved around other children my age and how I related to them. They could see I was friendly with the girls and identified with them more like a girl would. I related to boys as a girl would too. Once we had a birthday party for one of the boys in the neighborhood and after he had blown out the candles; I kissed him on the cheek. I didn't understand why everyone was looking at me the way they were; as though I'd done something wrong.

My hair was getting longer and I began to do what the other girls were doing with their hair when one Saturday my father took me to the mall to get a haircut. I didn't know we were going there for that reason; he surprised me. I began to resist, even crying when he sat me in the chair. When I heard the barber turn on his trimmer, I jumped out of the chair screaming "no" as I pulled off the apron angrily throwing it to the floor. I ran from the shop when my father grabbed me by the arm. In a fit of rage I kicked him and told him I hated him.

I ran away crying when a female security guard stopped me. She asked if I was lost and I told her I was running away from my father. When he caught up to me the security guard scolded him saying I was traumatized and that my hair looked fine as it was. He seemed ashamed of himself, looking embarrassed.

Once during a family get-together my Uncle Charles was visiting when he wanted to talk to me. He asked me a lot of questions about myself. His questions seemed strange making me uncomfortable as I wondered why he wanted to know certain things about me and how I felt.

Uncle Charlie is a psychiatrist and though I didn't know it at the time, my father asked him to talk to me and give him his opinion on whether or not I was having gender identity problems. I found out later he told my father I wasn't having them since they were already embedded, or enmeshed in me. He told my father I was fine and it was probably he who had the problem in accepting the obvious. They stood watching me while I was talking to my cousin when Uncle Charlie said something like,

"Look at the mannerisms as he places one hand on his hip while the other is opened with the palm pointing up. This is not imitation; it's how he expresses himself naturally. Some males are naturally effeminate in their behavior revealing how they feel and think about themselves on the inside. No one knows what triggers this phenomenon. It happens to girls too when their behavior is naturally more masculine. "

The following week he came home with a present for me. He had me sit on his lap handing it to me to open. He smiled at me when he saw my expression. It was the most beautiful doll ever. Guess what her name was, as it was written on the box – Claudia.

When I hugged him and he saw the smile on my face, I think it was when he finally accepted me. From that day forward he was my friend.

Compared to other transgenders, I started hormones very early which resulted in them having the maximum impact and effect on me. My mother is a doctor and she co-ordinated my treatments.

It might surprise you to know I avoided showcasing my femininity...

I wore thick rimmed black glasses and drab clothes; mostly army fatigue pants and tee-shirts along with dog-tags. My tee-shirts were either white, army green or light tan. I didn't wear a bra though and I began to get a lot of attention. If I live to be a hundred I will never understand the magnetic appeal associated with breasts. I was a female version of Clark Kent and perhaps one of the intellectual nerds in school. I assumed an obscure presence in an otherwise uncaring school which thankfully allowed me the privacy I needed to concentrate on my studies. To those taking notice of me, I remained an enigma I'm sure.

There's so much more to tell you but it will have to wait for another time.

Love,

Claudia

Closing the door to his den, he decided to call her to tell her he had just read her email. He asked her about her finishing med-school and starting an internship thinking he could help her.

"Will you come live with me so we can do it together; be together," she asked hopefully.

He told her he might be able to work something out but not yet. She was thrilled in hearing he was sincere about her and in hopes of their being together. Still she was uncertain anything would develop given the circumstances of their meeting. Yet she hoped...

"You know I could always come up there and take an apartment until we find out if there's a chance for us; to learn more about each other. At least we could see each other, if you'd like that."

He did like it but he felt he was in a trap of his own making, not knowing how to escape. He felt helpless when he said,

"Let me think on that awhile okay?"

They said their goodnights and he began to feel sorry for him self, something he didn't like doing since it always led to depression.

Later he found himself looking through the newspaper turning to the entertainment section when he saw an announcement for a beauty contest taking place at a club in the downtown area next weekend. He knew the bar was for gay and lesbian clientele. Though he'd always been curious about such places he never had the nerve to go, fearing he might see or be seen by someone he knew.

The following week wore on him...

He remembered the beauty contest was Saturday night and since Charmaine had plans, he wanted to know if anyone could compare to Claudia. He was taking a nap when Charmaine told him she was leaving. He remembered her kissing him on the forehead before leaving when he heard her going out the door, starting her car to leave.

He pulled himself up and out of his recliner feeling a sense of futility in life. It seemed a part of him still lie resting behind him wondering what he was doing. The sensation stayed with him even as he turned the key in the ignition. He'd heard of out-of-body experiences before wondering if this was what he was experiencing. Dismissing the notion he drove downtown thinking what he was doing seemed too real to be a dream.

He had no trouble in finding the place. He entered the club uncertainly, feeling conspicuous as though he didn't belong. After seeing a diverse group of patrons sitting around the bar he recalled one of the Star Wars movies. He knew he had something in common with them, yet uncertain what their similarities were.

There were those knowing looks, smiles and the tipping of glasses towards him in the form of greeting. He smiled thinking it was the polite thing to do. When it occurred to him someone from the hospital might be there, he lowered his head avoiding further eye contact with anyone.

There was a mixed crowd, perhaps male and female he guessed chuckling to himself. He ordered a drink before sitting at a secluded table. He sipped his drink looking around seeing who he thought were the real females and who the imposters were. A daunting task no doubt made even more difficult since he could've been in a different star system. Then it occurred to him he was being granted a futuristic glimpse of what earth might be like when women were men and men were women and everyone else were the weirdo's.

Someone came to his table asking him if he'd like a refill when he realized he'd left his cell-phone in the car. Since the contest hadn't begun he thought it best if he got it.

♪ Devil or angel, dear whichever you are; I love you...

When he left to get his cell-phone he saw the weather was changing. He hurried across the street to his car taking his cell-phone and putting it in his pocket. He even considered not going back inside but dismissed the idea wanting to see if any of the contestants could compare to Claudia.

It was becoming windy and the rain was mixed with sleet hitting him in the face. He was momentarily blinded when he dangerously stopped in the middle of the street raising his arm to protect himself from the sleet and wind. He turned away in an attempt to recover when it occurred to him he could be hit by a car. All he had to do was just stand where he was and to wait awhile...

It was then he saw a young man as he huddled shivering in the shadows of a doorway beside the club. He saw he wasn't dressed for the weather, wearing only a long-sleeved T-shirt under his outer short-sleeved shirt.

The young man's worry showed in his face as he paced blowing into his hands to keep them warm. He looked cold, needing help. When he saw Bill looking at him he had the presence of mind to offer a smile. His ability to do so in adverse circumstances impressed Bill prompting him to step up onto the curb and out of harms way before asking,

"Is everything okay?"

"I was waiting for someone...I have something to give him but they won't let me in to see if he's there...they don't believe I'm 18...I don't have my ID with me," he said shivering rubbing his arms.

"Well, you can come in with me and point him out if you'd like?"

His appreciation showed in his face making Bill feel good about his decision in helping him. He grabbed his army-fatigue backpack nodding at Bill as he stepped towards the door expecting him to open it. Bill didn't do so right away thinking an introduction of some sort was probably in order. Bill told him his name waiting for him to do the same...

"Jesse...like the James brothers," he smiled. Bill nodded, finding himself holding the door open for him, wondering if he knew his name meant he was, "a gift from above".

Once inside Jesse shook the water out of his hair and then off his sleeves before comically shaking his whole body as though he were a dog trying to dry off. Bill noted he was built more like a girl in that his weight was mostly in his hips and his legs. In fact he was very slight of built from the waist up.

The bartender looked at them about to raise his objection when seeing Jesse. Bill told him they were together. He pressed a $20 bill in his hand saying,

"I'll keep an on eye on him for you."

Fascinated and amused by Jesse, Bill watched him as he looked about the room animatedly standing on tiptoes as he moved his head first to the left and then the right to accommodate his eager search. His mannerisms combined with the music made him look as though he was dancing.

Eventually Jesse stopped scanning the room saying,

"Nope, he's not here. Maybe he'll be here later. I have no place to stay tonight and was supposed to stay with him."

It never occurred to Bill to abandon him. He ordered another drink and a coke. Jesse thanked him for his kindness. Their conversation was cut short when the contestants formed a line before going on stage. When one of the homeliest was introduced Jesse said, "Sheesh, you could hang 3 sets of tits on that boy and he'd still look bad." Bill laughed wondering aloud,

"Whatever happened to the good ole days when feminine boys simply accepted they were gay?"

"You mean like me?" Jesse smiled in a way Bill hadn't seen before. It surprised him when he saw him batting his eyelashes saying, "I think you like the girly-boys; the ones that are close to being women but with something extra."

Bill couldn't help thinking about Claudia as he rubbed a finger around the rim of his glass. Jesse saw he was lost in thought. Perhaps he was experiencing some pleasant memories that were too intimate to share. Bill felt Jesse's eyes on him when he said,

"Yeah, I guess I do but I think you look nice too. I'm sure you'd look as good as any of them on the stage with a little effort; if you wanted to of course."

Jesse smiled at the compliment when Bill thought he resembled the girl he had a crush on in high school. The one he later found out was a lesbian...the one that broke his heart when she laughed at him when he tried to kiss her.

They actually had fun in watching the contest and when it was over, there was still no sign of Jesse's friend. They both knew he wouldn't be allowed to stay when Bill left.

"Well, you can come with me and maybe we can figure something out together."

Again Jesse smiled in gratitude as they felt they'd found a purpose in their meeting.

The rain, sleet and an occasional snowflake were coming down hard now as Jesse shivered rubbing his arms to keep warm as he began to jog in place. They looked at each daringly, not sure whether they wanted to test their resolve in crossing the street in the downpour.

Jesse said he could stay dry if he ran between the sleet and the raindrops making Bill laugh. Comically he watched Jesse zigzagging his way across the street until he jumped, clicking his heels together with a surprising show of athleticism. In spite of his claim, he was drenched just the same.

Shortly after the engine was started, Jesse felt the heat rising up from his seat and then the warm fresh air coming from the blower. He smelled the scent of leather which he loved and in his growing sense of comfort he said,

"You must be my guardian angel or something. What would I've done if you hadn't come along?"

Bill heard him but he was distracted in thought as to what to do next when he said,

"Are you hungry?"

"Starved," he said smiling the smile which lit up his face making his eyes twinkle. Though Bill thought there was a sexual innuendo in Jesse's facial expression, he didn't like reading too much into things. Still, he thought his behavior seemed inviting as he thought Jesse was flirting with him at times.

Jesse told him where an all night diner was and after they were seated he excused him self to use the bathroom. When he returned his hair was dry as were his sleeves. Bill assumed he used the hand-dryer to his advantage. He slid into the booth opposite Bill placing his arms on the table to read the menu when Bill saw his charm bracelet. It was of all the things we associate with music, math, science, nature and astronomy. The charms were made out of what he thought was crystal. It triggered something but he wasn't aware of what it was at the time.

The waitress looked pissed at the world as she took their orders excusing her self as she collected the menus in her apparent disgust with life in general.

"So what about your folks; do you still live at home," Bill said noting Jesse was lost in thought.

His question went unanswered when Jesse asked, "Bill, do you believe time travel is possible?"

Bill thought it was a strange question but he could tell Jesse was sincere nonetheless.

"I don't think its possible now but perhaps it will be sometime in the future."

He seemed to agree with Bill as his hand went to his neck pulling out his necklace showing it to Bill. He asked if he'd ever seen one like it before. His dream came rushing back to him thinking Jesse was like the angel. Though they weren't exactly alike he could see their likeness. In his dream he thought the angel's necklace was a bell but Jesse's was a pyramid. He had no idea why he hadn't made the comparison before as their resemblance was striking.

The food came and Jesse ate voraciously as though he wasn't kidding when he said he was starved. He wasn't about to let their conversation stop him, as though nothing else mattered any longer. He shook his head as he looked at Bill knowing what he was thinking; processing it as he continued to eat all the while.