Black Sheep Pt. 04

"We can't do this, Linc."

She was breathless at that point, barely able to even stand on her own. So I wrapped my other hand around her waist to pull her closer to me. Both our heartrates were ridiculously high, and my cock was aching to be freed and slid into her. But in the meantime, my fingers (which were still teasing her by tracing small circles, occasionally slipping deeper and thrusting gently in and out of her sweet cunt) had to be enough. She slightly moved up and down in rhythm with my ministrations, subtly fucking herself on my fingers.

I kissed her. "We can. We both want to."

"But I'm marrying your brother. I love him. Please stop." My hand stilled inside her. Then slowly, when she didn't fuck herself on my fingers anymore, I removed them completely and stepped back to look at her.

"You don't even believe in marriage."

"How would you know that? You know, you think you know me but you don't." Suddenly, it was like I'd previously cast a spell on her and it was lifting. She stepped out of my embrace and moved to the other side of the room, making sure the bed separated us. "You never knew me, just like I never knew you."

"That broken record again?"

"Yes, that broken record again. See that's the problem, Linc, you and I can't even have a simple conversation without you trying to feed me some kind of lie. Did it ever occur to you that maybe what we had was just sexual and it ended there?"

"Oh really, now? Look at me and tell me you haven't constantly thought about me in the past seven years, tell me you haven't missed me, that you haven't dreamed about me and woken up wishing my arm was draped over your waist." I walked around the bed and stood right against her again. "Tell me you haven't thought about me when he was fucking you, that you haven't wanted to fuck me every chance you could get because you liked it, that you craved it. That you still think about it even now, when you fuck him. That you want more."

She didn't flinch or say anything. She looked at me defiantly and for the slightest moment, I actually feared that she would deny all of it. But the she shrugged and said: "None of it matters. I love your brother and I'm going to marry him."

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'why?' I just told you."

"Can I remind you of something you once told me?"

She scoffed. "I have a feeling it won't matter whether I want you to do it or not; you're going to tell me either way."

"Well, it will please you to know you're right. 'Marriage doesn't work because it essentially reinforces gender roles, with women being subjected to demanding duties that require sacrifices not expected of men, with the duties being societally accepted and somewhat promoted, like child rearing and household chores. There are men who assume these tasks, but they are the exception and not the rule. Then there are the compromises, like the woman having to change her last name. After all of that he'll still find time to leave you for a sixteen year old model.' These are your words, Ishtar. You said a lot more but this was the core of it. You didn't just despise the idea of marriage, you feared it. You saw it as a cage—"

"I was a child then. I'm not anymore and I've changed, I've grown. You should try it too."

"Christopher isn't the guy for you."

"And I suppose you are?"

"The answer to that should also be 'no' since you fucked my friend."

"You're a real piece of shit. I don't think I can ever hate anyone as much as I hate you."

"And honestly, I don't think I can ever love anyone as much as I love you."

I don't know why I told her like that. The thing with us, even way back when, was that one moment we were completely lost in each other, fulfilling every sexual desire we'd ever had, then in the next we would be arguing about something inconsequential. We couldn't just exist like normal people and have coolheaded conversations that weren't either laced with sexual innuendo or insults. So with that neat declaration, I managed to shock the both of us.

"No," she finally said.

"What do you mean no?"

"You can't...you can't just say that to me and expect me to believe you."

"Why not?"

"Because I forbid you."

"Well, I forbid you from forbidding me. Because I do love you. Fuck!" I turned around to walk away from her. I really needed to clear my head. I closed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair. "Fuck! How did we get here? How the fuck did I end up as the asshole that was in love with his brother's fiancé?"

After a while I heard her voice say: "I won't tell him about...about what you're saying right now. But I have to tell him about before. I'm sorry if that seems selfish to you but I have to tell him. He might end up hating both of us but I love him too much to keep on lying to him. And I really do want to marry him. I know you don't believe me but I love him, I love him, Linc."

I realised I was crying and my voice was shaky when I spoke. "So you choose him?"

Her answer came so fast that I felt like my head was spinning. "Yes," she said, like it was nothing. "I really am sorry." I hadn't heard her approaching me but I felt her lips softly kiss me. That was going to be the last time so I held on for as long as I could.

"Please stay with me for a little while. Just a little while, please." I didn't know how else to keep her. We could fuck all the way to heaven and back but I knew that wouldn't help me keep her. She was too damn stubborn to 'let me win.' That was the way she would see it, she would think she was letting me win.

Yet surprisingly, she gave into my plea. She nodded, took my hand and led me to the bed. We lay there with our limbs entwined and her head resting on my chest, and mine rested slightly on her hair. I knew I was losing her, right there, right then in that moment, I knew I was losing her and there was nothing I could do about it. There was so much I wanted to say yet at the same time, nothing I could say.

So we stayed in that silence for what felt like forever. When I felt sleep starting to overtake me I blinked my eyes several times to keep them open. I really wanted to stretch that moment forever but I guess I couldn't because without intending to do so, I must have fallen asleep. And when I woke up she was gone.

CHAPTER 4.5: ISHTAR

Linc knocked on my door around midday. He had his backpack with him, which didn't look big enough to carry any grown man's possessions when crossing an ocean, hopping from one continent to another without any indication of when he would return home. He had chopped off some of his hair, and he was back in his familiar jeans and t-shirt. He smiled a little. "Hi."

I smiled back. "Hi." You could cut the tension between us with a knife. I didn't know whether I should invite him inside or not. In the end it wasn't necessary since he subtly shook his head to show I shouldn't bother. I don't know why but the sad look on his face made me feel guilty.

"I'm leaving," he announced. "I thought I'd give you this today." He produced a small box wrapped in silver paper and topped off with a golden bow. "It's in case I don't make it to the wedding."

"You have to be there, you're Chrissy's best man."

"I'm the last person who should be there—"

"You're his brother. He wants you there."

"I doubt he'll want me there once you tell him about...about our past."

"So you're running away?"

"Hey, would you look at that, you and I finally have something in common—running away from our problems."

We stood in uncomfortable silence, during which I strongly felt that I needed to say something, but also feeling too stubborn to validate his bruised ego. So he was the one who finally said something. "I guess this is it then." He handed me the gift again and I took it. "Goodbye, Ishtar."

"Can I ask you something?" I blurted out.

"Sure."

"What really happened between you and Kim?"

He didn't answer me immediately. He leaned against the entrance and folded his arms. "Remember that you and Lexi were supposed to meet us at the club for Mike's birthday?"

"Of course, I remember. When we showed up you guys were already gone."

"We weren't gone. Kim sent you the wrong address. Whether she did it intentionally or not," he shrugged, "I don't know and quite frankly didn't care for the most part. She was also the one who kept stepping away from all the noise to check on you but apparently you didn't answer. We got worried so we went to check on you."

He shrugged again. "I'm not trying to make excuses because what happened shouldn't have happened; we were pretty drunk at that point, I know how bad it sounds but she threw herself at me. But I swear, Ishtar, nothing happened."

"You couldn't fight off a girl who weighed a hundred pounds yet somehow she managed to wrestle you into a naked stupor?"

"She didn't wrestle me into it—"

"So you admit that you wanted it, that you wanted her?"

"The whole time we were together I never once looked at another woman. But yeah, I tried to sabotage what we had. I knew I would lose you, anyway. I was already lying about who I was—"

"Hallelujah! At least now you admit you were lying to me."

Without acknowledging my interruption, he continued, "and the minute I brought you to my family I'd lose you. I was an idiot and a coward, but never a cheater, not with you. Standing here right now I realise how stupid it all was but I guess...I guess...I don't know. I didn't fight for you because I was going to lose you, anyway."

"That's all you have to say about it?"

"That's all I have to say about it." He swallowed with what I perceived to be considerable difficulty, and then: "Again, for the last time this time—goodbye, Ishtar."

I knew that I had to let him go but for some stupid reason I just couldn't do it. There was a draft blowing in from an open window somewhere in the building; it carried his aftershave to my nostrils so strongly. That was one the things I'd missed the most about him—his masculine scent. I wanted so badly to bury my nose into his neck and inhale it for as long as I could, to feel his arms around me, to listen to the rhythm of his heart the way I did in the hotel.

I'd watched him sleeping for at least forty-five minutes, trying to memorise every curve of his face and pore of his body. I even imagined that he was mine—mine and only mine, then I silently cursed every woman who was ever lucky enough to be touched by him. I didn't want to imagine those women, I wanted to pretend that they didn't exist.

Snapping out of my reverie, I asked him: "Don't you care about what happened between me and Troy?"

"I've already forgiven you." With that, he kissed me on the forehead and finally left. I was supposed to feel relief but instead there was this huge gaping hole in my heart I couldn't close. My body got hot and I felt like I was sweating all over, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe. My heart was breaking, I knew, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the tears from falling from my eyes. I lost him...I lost him. I would never get him back. Linc was gone.