Blasted

You should probably just say no.

*

Author's Note

Before you go gettin' your panties all in a bunch, you should know this is not a serious lesbian sex story. It is simply a whimsical tale of an inter-species hook-up, after a misunderstanding brought about by some heavy recreational drug use. It should certainly not be construed that the author is condoning the use of drugs. Drugs are bad. Don't do drugs.

The events and characters in this story are fictitious. If you think you recognize anyone, you're probably more stoned than they are.

*

Recalculating. -- In one-quarter light year, turn back.

Recalculating. -- Take the next hyperspace exit, then turn back.

Excrement! Stupid Galactic Positioning System! I was lost again.

Probably didn't help that I did so many lines of nyborg this morning. Ah, who cares! Breakfast of champions. I'm on vacation, so what if I'm a little blasted. And it's not like I'm going to get myself busted way out here in the primitive western arm.

"Stupid GPS!" I muttered as I dug out a star chart and tried to get my bearings.

Let's see, that last exit was ... Excrement! I had no idea where I was.

Focus.

OK, I think I'm here. If so, that planet over there should be Theia. Theia's a nice place, I should be able to get something to eat there. Hmm, looks a little big to be Theia. What's the date on this chart? Oh, no wonder!

Must be Earth. What a dump.

I would have passed it by, except I was majorly blasted and had a serious case of the munchies. I was hoping maybe I could find some small rodents or something. I wasn't too picky at this point. Oh, why didn't I pack any snacks?

As I exited hyperspace, I let the ship's computer choose a suitable camouflage for the exterior. Looks like this really is a primitive dump, the ship had reconfigured itself to have wheels. I'm starving and I have to rely on millennias-old technology to get around. Highway 183, the sign read. Hmm.

Excrement!

Got to focus, I almost ran it over.

Roadkill is not my thing, I prefer my meals live and still squirming. From the look of it, I was really going to need to unhinge my jaw for this one, but hey, I had a serious case of the munchies going on here.

"Can I give you a ride somewhere?" I asked.

"Well hello, darlin'! I'd be much obliged if y'all did!" it answered. Well thank the creator for small miracles! -- at least the universal translator was functioning. Though I had a tough time making out what it was saying. Must be the nyborg.

"Where are you headed?"

"Well, sugar," it said, "I just dropped out of college, so I guess I'm headed back to the trailer park. Nowhere else to go really."

"College," I said. "Is that anything like hyperspace?"

It giggled. "I s'pose so."

Ah, the computer was finally catching up on its analysis of speech patterns. "Human female, approximately nineteen Earth years of age," the display read. That was fortunate, she should still be quite tender and easy to digest.

"Hop in."

"Wow! This sure is a fancy RV you got here!"

"You have no idea."

"Love your mohawk, darlin'!"

"It is a crest," I corrected. She frowned a bit.

"Hey, there's a 7-Eleven coming up. You hungry at all?"

"Yes, very," I answered looking her up and down.

"You like what you see, sugar?" she responded, running her hands over her body.

"Yes. You look delicious."

"Well hold your horses, darlin' We can get to that later," she grinned. "First, take a right at this next crossroad."

Interesting. I'd never encountered prey that actually seemed happy about being consumed. Maybe Earth was not so bad after all.

"Be right back!" she said as I pulled to a stop.

"I cannot wait."

The Earth girl came back with her arms full. "I didn't know what y'all wanted, so I got a little of everything. Candy bars, tater chips, beef sticks, and a couple a Big Gulps. Any of that sound good?"

"Yes," I said and shot my tongue out to grab what she had called a beef stick. Normally I would be a little less conspicuous, but I had some serious munchies, and it's not like it was going to be that long until the main course, I thought as I pulled back onto the main road.

"That's some tongue y'all got there sugar!" she exclaimed. "I bet you never have any trouble gettin' a girlfriend!"

"No, I have never had any trouble attracting a mate. But I think you are confused. I am the female of my species."

She looked at me kind of sideways for a minute. "Huh," she said. "Sorry, it's just that you ain't got much for tits, and there's the mohawk, so I just figured ..."

"I have no need to nurse my young. I bury my eggs in the sand." I explained. "And it is not a mohawk, it is a crest. It helps to regulate my body temperature."

"Hmm," was all she said, sounding slightly hurt.

"This brown liquid is amazing, what did you say it was?"

"Coke."

"I think I like Coke. Have you ever tried nyborg?"

"Can't say I have. Is it good?"

"It is out of this world," I said.

"Do you drink it like Coke?"

"No, you snort it -- like coke. Want to try? I need another blast myself."

"Sure, honey, I'll try anything once," she giggled.

I got up and went to the back to find my stash. I took a beef stick with me. Those things were amazing!

"Hey sugar, who's gonna drive the RV while y'all are back there?"

"Auto-pilot."

"Fancy!"

"You have no idea."

Found it! I clutched my stash lovingly in my hand as I made my way back to the cockpit. I had never gotten my prey blasted before. Well, I had to admit, she was kind of fun, and I'd love to see what she was like after a few lines.

I proudly held up the bag. "Let the good times roll!" I exclaimed and laid out six lines. I didn't know if she could handle three, but if not, I'd be more than happy to take care of them for her. I exhaled and laid my nostrils against the glass.

Snorrrt! One down.

"Your turn," I said.

Snorrrt! She did amazingly well -- for a mammal.

"Have you done this before?" I asked.

"Why do you think I got kicked out of college?"

"I do not know. Why?"

"You sure are funny, darlin'!" she said. "Too much of this!"

"You have nyborg in college?"

"Nah, but somethin' like it. -- Whoa, shit! -- This is strong stuff!"

"You have no idea."

"I think I better wait a while before the next one," she giggled.

"Good idea. Hey, you got any more of those beef sticks?"

"Come and get it, sugar," she said and slid the beef stick between the large, fleshy lumps on her chest.

My tongue darted out and seized the beef stick in its grasp.

"Holy shit, darlin'! That tongue of y'all's is amazing!"

"You have no idea."

"Don't you wanna play a little?" she asked, opening her shirt. I'm not really up on my Earth girl facial expressions, but I think she was displaying what's called a pout. I think it's part of their mating ritual.

"To be honest, I really just want to eat you."

"Well OK, darlin'," she responded and started to shed her outer protective layer. How considerate of her. That would certainly make her easier to digest. "You want a taste?" she asked, spreading her legs and pushing a finger into herself.

I've never had prey so willing to be consumed! I might have to come back to this planet! My tongue darted out and landed right between the Earth girl's legs with a wet, squishy slap. This was much better than beef sticks!

"You like it, sugar?"

"You have no idea," I responded and forced my tongue in farther to find more of this delicious nectar.

"Whoa, darlin'! Y'all are ticklin' my lungs there."

"Is it not enjoyable for you? You seemed so eager."

"It's good, sugar, just take it slow. Maybe I should do another one of them lines of -- what did you call it?"

"Nyborg."

"Yeah, that's good shit!"

"You have no idea."

The Earth girl finished off the last of what was laid out on the glass. When I pulled out the stash to lay down a few more, she stopped me.

"How 'bout right here instead, darlin'," she said, placing her hands on the two lumps that protruded from her chest.

"What are those?"

"Them's my tits, sugar!"

"For nursing your young?"

"Well, mostly for fun," she said, as she began running her hands over them.

I laid the next line of nyborg right between her -- tits.

Snorrrt!

"Was it good, darlin'?"

"You have no idea," I said, as my tongue darted out to clean up the remaining dust.

"Ooh, honey! That tongue sure feels nice. I think maybe if you give me another line, I'll be ready for y'all to eat me again."

"My pleasure," I said and laid out another line of nyborg on the glass.

The Earth girl leaned forward, and Snorrrt! I watched the nyborg disappear.

"Woo, darlin'! That is some good shit! You ready to eat me now?"

"You have no idea."

My tongue landed with a wet, squishy slap, and I began pressing into her in a search for more of the glorious nectar she held within. I pressed farther, and harder. She began to writhe and moan under me.

"Y'all are ticklin' my lungs again, sugar!"

"Is that good or bad?"

"Well, both, I guess. Maybe y'all could slow down a bit and let me get used to it."

"Sure." I withdrew my tongue slightly and coiled the remaining length inside her, flicking it back and forth every so often.

"Oh, now that is nice!" she responded. "Keep doin' that and I'll love you forever."

"I only require a mate long enough to fertilize my eggs before they are buried in the sand. I have no need for a lifetime commitment."

"I wasn't bein' serious, darlin', it's just an expression."

"Of course. Is there any more Big Gulp?"

"Nah, we ran out a while back."

"I see a 7-Eleven coming up, will you go inside and procure another?"

"Sure, darlin', but I'm afraid you're gonna have to take your tongue outta my coochie if I'm gonna do that."

"Very well."

"Aw, I feel so empty now. Y'all wanna stick it back in there when I get back?"

"You have no idea."

Normally I don't play with my food for this long, but I have to admit, she was fun. So as long as the nyborg holds out and there are 7-Elevens around, I will probably keep my jaw hinged and survive on Big Gulps, beef sticks, and the sweet nectar from between the Earth girl's legs.

After that, who knows.