Blind Date

This is my first attempt in the humor rubric. I would love to hear your comments, either at the end of the story or by email.

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A Blind Date

"It's okay, Sally. We'll go out, get drunk, have a good time," Mary Ann said. She was a good friend, consoling me after that SOB boyfriend had dumped me last week. "We're all dressed up and frankly, girl, you look hot. Sizzling. Like a firecracker."

I knew what Mary Ann was doing, and I appreciated it, even if I was not buying it. I probably did look hot, though. I was wearing my best push-up bra and a dress that hugged my figure almost as much as it hugged my ass, ending just where my ass ended, giving my legs plenty of room to reach the ground.

It's just that I constantly felt like crying. It's not propitious to go clubbing when you're in such a mood. Mary Ann had just attributed my attitude to PMS. In her life, she never gets dumped. Always the dumper, never the dumpee, that's Mary Ann.

My phone rang. "If it's him, don't you dare answer!" Mary Ann screamed.

"Chill. It's my Mom. She has her own ring tone," I said.

I should not have answered, however. It was a Mom emergency. It was a long story involving her friends, favors owed, special circumstances and all that shit. Bottom line: I had a blind date that very night, set up by my Mom. Jesus H. Christ. I did not need this!

What I needed was to go out with Mary Ann, get shit faced drunk, maybe pick up a couple of guys, and get laid. Repeatedly. I needed meaningless, no names please, sex. I did not need a blind date orchestrated by my mother. Nope. Not needed. Definitely not needed.

You couldn't have anonymous sex on a blind date your mother set up. What if he were to be a tell-all and your wanton and slutty behavior got back to your mother? This was totally, exactly, what I did not need! I was doomed.

"You don't need this," Mary Ann said. One of the things I loved about Mary Ann was her incessant ability to state the obvious. My brother called her 'Little Miss Obvious."

Mary Ann did however have the boobs a girl needs to become a guy magnet, and she was great for the planned evening ahead. We'd have two studs eating out of our hands within the first half-hour, with Mary Ann there. She reeked of sex and availability. I typically did not, even if I could dress the part. Damn it to hell and back.

"I'm going with you. We'll go to a club or something, and I'll be right there next to you," Mary Ann said.

"Yeah. For around thirty seconds until some stud hits on you and does you in the men's room," I said.

May Ann giggled. "Are you ever going to forget that, already?" she asked.

"Mary Ann, you did that only last week. You still have traces of your hickey on your right boob, for Pete's sake. I can see it from here."

"I guess I'm a bit of a slut. With big boobs," she said. Yep, I thought. The girl is the master of the obvious. Or is it the mistress of the obvious? Maybe just use my brother's phrase, Little Miss Obvious.

My Mom called again. "He has a strange name. It's something like Urgynoth. I think it must be Slavic or something. He'll be there in two minutes."

"What?" I said. "Two minutes??! You only asked me a minute ago!"

"Yes, well Urgynoth is very fast, apparently. Hey, see where he's from, okay? I can't figure it out," Mom said. Mom is a bit of a linguist. She speaks all the Romance languages, even Romansch, the obscure Swiss one; the Germanic languages; Russian; Hungarian and Finnish; and her specialties are Pushto, Chinese and Japanese. She even speaks Swahili. She's a professor at Columbia University, and that gives her access to a supply of strange people on an ad infinitum basis. Urgynoth, however, seemed like he was going to be one of her strangest.

As I clicked off with Mom, the doorbell rang. I still had to pee and to apply lipstick and perfume, so I asked Mary Ann to get the door. It was Urgynoth. When I made my grand entrance five minutes later, Mary Ann was lost in lust. I could always tell. To say Urgynoth was a hunk would be to flatter hunks. I had never seen before a man who could combine both being handsome and being sexy the way old Urgy could.

I said hello and we exchanged names. Urgynoth as it turns out has a guttural sound and it comes from the back of the throat. It's kind of like that sound your brother makes when he's preparing to spit. Great. I was going to spend the evening sounding like I was about to spit.

"Do you have a nickname?" I asked. "Urgynoth is a bit of a mouthful for a New Yorker, you know," I said, trying to be polite. Spoken properly, it sounds like "uuurrrrrgynaw," which was not something I wanted to try to say too often.

"My friends have been calling me Stud," Urgynoth said. "I don't know why. It's not even close to Urgynoth in sound."

"I know why," Little Miss Obvious said.

I ignored her and said, "How about we call you Stude? It's close to Stud, but it sounds sweeter."

"I like it," Ugynoth said. "Stude it is."

"I like Stud," Mary Ann said. If she were in a cartoon, there would be stars and hearts in her eyes. I was tempted to give Stude (or Stud, or Urgynoth) to her for the evening and simply go to my bedroom and play with my vibrator for a few hours, but my mother would never have forgiven me.

"I thought this was a date just with you, Sally. Why is Mary Ann here, too?" Stude asked.

"It's a long story," I said. "Would you mind taking us both out? We'll probably lose Mary Ann to the first good lucking guy who hits on her at the club, anyway. Okay?"

"She's that kind of girl, is she?" Stude asked.

"She was full of a man's cum after a half hour last week," I said.

"Hey!" Mary Ann yelled. "I'm right here, you know. And I was not full of his cum. I had lots of room left for more cum, as events later proved."

"You're not helping yourself," I said.

"Harumph!" Mary Ann said.

"Do you speak Bgghkrpph?" Stude asked.

"Huh?" Mary Ann said.

"Well you just said, "Harumph," which means "Kiss me" in Bgghrpph. That's my language. Did you mean it? I'd love to kiss you," Stude said.

"Well, that's an original line. Sure, Stud. Go for it," Mary Ann said.

Stude took Mary Ann in his arms, pulled her body flush to his, and gently pressed his lips to hers. I could see Mary Ann melting with that kiss. Stude took off her top and her bra while they were kissing, and then pulled her again into him, her bare breasts grazing against his chest hair. Somehow his shirt was gone, too. They continued to kiss. Mary Ann seemed to be in some sort of a happy daze.

Stude's hands moved south and Mary Ann's skirt and panties fell to the floor. She was now naked except for her heels. Stude stepped back to drink in the sight of her nude body, which already had a clearly moist snatch.

"I think you're ready," Stude said while Mary Ann just stood there, seemingly mesmerized in some sort of hypnotic state. Stude's pants and briefs disappeared. I saw his cock. It was not a normal cock.

For one thing Stude's cock was striped, like a candy cane. For another it had little sections, each section being around an inch or so long. There were at least twelve sections. Stude's candy cane cock was humongous.

"I like the way you decorated your cock," I said, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears as said cock entered Mary Ann who seemed to be floating a little above the ground. I was beginning to wonder about the weed we had smoked earlier. What had it been laced with? I was definitely hallucinating.

Mary Ann was making strange noises as Stude fucked her. This blind date my Mom set up had certainly taken a strange turn. Mary Ann had set a new record for letting a man enter her. We had not even left the apartment yet! What had it been, five minutes? Ten at the outside? She was already naked and fucking up a storm.

Suddenly I realized the noises Mary Ann was making, "Arghmph! Grrharumph! Bbghkooopq!" were nonsensical.

"Are you speaking Bgghrpph?" I asked her.

"Yes, she is," Stude answered, while he thrust into her repeatedly. Mary Ann was sweating, screaming, and on the verge of fainting, I was sure. She had already had at least three orgasms, and they had been fucking only for around ten to twelve minutes.

"Can you translate?" I asked.

Stude translated. "She said, 'I'm dying here. This is too intense. I can't handle it.'" Then she climaxed again. "This is typical. She'll recover in a couple of days, maybe three, no worries."

Stude then thrust deeply into her and let loose an explosion of his cum. I know because candy cane cum was leaking out of Mary Ann's pussy for hours afterwards.

"A couple of days?" I asked.

"Maybe three. Four at the outside. She needs rest. I gave her only a level one fuck, but it's still hard on a human woman," Stude said. "Can we put her in your bed?"

"Sure. I like having humans in my bed. Usually I prefer human men in my bed and from time to time inside me. But hey, Mary Ann is my best friend," I replied.

"Uhh, Stude, are you crazy? You sound a little crazy. And why is your cock a candy cane?" I had a thousand questions for him. What kind of jerk thinks it takes a woman a few days to recover from his fuck? And especially everyone's favorite slut like Mary Ann? She'll be up and about in no time.

"While Mary Ann sleeps I can take you to the club, okay? I'd like to experience a club," Stude said.

"What? Oh, never mind. Sure, let's go. Just one thing. I don't know how you undressed Mary Ann so quickly. I mean it's a nice trick and all, but just don't do it to me at the club, okay? Oh yeah, and don't try to fuck me without asking first." I knew that didn't cover it all, but I was rattled something fierce.

"So, Stude, how do you know my Mom?" I asked. It was time for some lighter conversation.

"Oh, I don't know her. Harriett Martin knows her," he said. "She set this up for me, with your Mom's help, of course. Now I've got you. You are the one, Sally."

"I don't understand," I said, as the Uber drove us to the club. "You've never even met my Mom? She thinks she's pimping me out to do Harriett a favor? And you set this up? Why? Why me?"

"You've been selected by the council," Stude said.

"Oh. Well, then," I said.

"Glad you understand," Stude said.

"Jesus, Stude, don't you understand sarcasm? I don't understand any of this!" I exclaimed. We arrived at the club.

"Okay we're here. Have a good time, Stude. I know you're my date, but I just watched you fuck my best friend, and if you do not mind I think I'm going to find another man to hook up with. I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding the girl of your dreams here."

"I understand. You want to have fun with a human before," Stude said. "Maybe several, right?"

"Before what?" I stupidly asked. Was he still planning on having sex with me? The way he looked at me...

"Before the rapture, of course," Stude said.

"The rapture?" I asked. Now I understood. He was one of those end-of-the-world Christian types. That still did not explain what he did to Mary Ann, or his candy cane cock, or his strange candy cane cum that looked like striped toothpaste, and how much of it there was, and how he seemed effortlessly to hypnotize Mary Ann into letting him fuck her within minutes of meeting her.

Okay, seducing Mary Ann is not a high bar, I admit it. And Mary Ann was infatuated with him from the get-go; but, still! I stuck to my end-of-the-world Christian explanation because, dammit, it was something I could process. It was something I could understand. Truth be told, though, I understood none of this!

"Yes, the rapture. By the way, thank you for bringing us here. This is a great place. I can fuck nine more of these lovely women, and then the chosen one (that's you) and then we can have the rapture," Stude said.

"You plan to fuck nine more women tonight and then me?" I said.

"Why do you humans always repeat what I say?" Stude asked.

"A charming habit we humans have is that when someone says something that is batshit crazy, we tend to repeat it, just to make sure we heard right," I said.

"Okay, Sally, go mingle and enjoy your human men while you can. How many do you plan to fuck tonight?" Stude asked.

"Stude, that's another one of those questions that is not polite," I said. "I'll answer it, though, because you seem not to know obvious things. I plan to have sex with no men at all, unless a miracle happens, and then with one and only one." Stude was not listening to me. He was casing the scene.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me, Sally, I see my first sex partner at the end of the bar. You said Mary Ann likes to use the bathrooms?" and off he went. I watched.

Stude made a beeline for the prettiest, sexiest girl in the club. She must have been barely eighteen years old but judging by the way she was dressed, and the way she stood draping her body against the bar, she was definitely on the make. She was looking for some hot action. He talked to her for around two minutes, probably making sure she was not jail bait. Her eyes glazed over and he led her to the men's room. Ten minutes later he emerged alone, smiling.

Five more minutes passed and someone came out of the bathroom shouting that there was a naked girl passed out in the bathroom dribbling cum from her pussy! I felt like telling him she'll be fine in a few days, four at the outside, but of course I did not. Instead I watched Stude with growing alarm.

Stude was looking for victim number two, or number three if you count Mary Ann. I counted her. Should I call the police, I wondered? Is it a crime to fuck a girl so well she passes out? Probably not. Suddenly the most handsome man in the club was trying to talk me up. His eyes were a bit glazed, just as Mary Ann's and victim number two's eyes had been.

I turned to face him and damn if I did not also become instantly mesmerized! I knew that this was Stude's doing as I watched this hunk remove my clothes one piece after the next. I felt incapable even to speak let alone to stop him.

I heard applause. Everyone was applauding and looking at the hunk and me. I suddenly realized they were applauding because I was naked, with my clothes scattered about my feet. I felt no embarrassment, no humiliation, and no shame, even though everyone could see my boobs and my pussy. At the time it felt natural. The back of my brain was screaming bloody murder, but it seemed to have no effect on me.

My hunk was also naked, and he was leading me to a table. Two men were sitting at it drinking beer from a huge pitcher. The hunk bent me over the table. My boobs were almost in their beers. A thought passed through my brain about how kinky it would be if one boob had fallen into each stein of beer. Probably it was a good thing that had not happened! Apparently, I was good and wet because his cock slipped right in. I gasped when it entered me.

As the hunk fucked me I was moaning away. Usually I don't moan much, being a private person, but just then I was moaning louder than the live music of the band. The hunk repositioned me on my hands and knees and one of the beer drinking men sunk to the floor in front of me and presented his cock to my mouth. I was spit roasted right there, on the filthy floor in the middle of the club. The weirdest part was that I knew how horrific it was to be doing this, but just then it felt completely natural, even normal.

The men surprised me by switching places. The man who was fucking me presented his cock to my mouth, and the man I was blowing began fucking my pussy. Okay, this was a new low for me. I had never been even remotely this slutty before! Yet, at the time, knowing all this, it still seemed normal and eminently reasonable. The guy fucking me came at the same time as the guy I was blowing. I don't mean approximately. The two men came at exactly the same time. How often does that happen?

After they both unloaded and I swallowed, I drank some beer from the glass of the guy who had just fucked me, and I got up, still naked, and sauntered over to the bar. I put my elbow on the bar and leaned up against it, my legs spread, my boobs facing out towards the dance floor of the club. I asked the stunned bartender for a mojito, as if my behavior were normal. Two more men, both humans, came up on either side and engaged me in conversation. Their eyes were all over me, focusing on my bare boobs.

I looked around for Stude. I need not have worried. Someone came into the club saying there was a naked woman leaking cum and in a daze on the sidewalk in front of the club. I joined the crowd and went outside to see and she was another barely eighteen-year-old beauty. Stude must like them young.

"Stude, you have to stop this. You'll be arrested for rape. You can't be leaving naked girls all around, leaking your candy cane colored cum," I said.

Stude ignored me and asked if I had enjoyed my human sex?

"I can take care of myself, Stude. I don't need your hypnosis to help me get laid." I had forgotten I was still naked, but it was brought home when a man standing behind me reached around me and cupped my right boob. I was about to turn around and slap him when my brain tingled and instead I turned around and kissed him passionately. I wanted to yell at Stude to stop hypnotizing me, but it was too late. I could not speak again. I became a sexual animal.

The man I was kissing led me back into the club into a dark corner. He had two friends waiting there and the three of them took turns with me. They each fucked me twice and one of them fucked me three times. I had no choice but to constantly put out. I'd still be there fucking them if they had not all run out of cum.

It was late by the time they were done with me. I emerged from the corner having trouble walking and saw the floor of the club littered with naked women lying on the floor in a daze. All of their pussies were oozing out candy cane cum. I counted them. There were nine naked and luscious female bodies littering the floor. Nine. Stude was done. He was now going to come after me. Shit. I found my clothes and quickly got dressed. I took one last look behind at the poor girls Stude had fucked, and they were all nine floating, just like Mary Ann.

Someone had called 911 and I heard sirens. Thank God, I thought. They were getting louder as the cops and the ambulances approached. I was still in a daze, wandering around naked, and I too was taken to the hospital to be treated for shock. They put us women in five ambulances; we were doubled up. I was the only one who was not floating.

After the hospital I went home. This had been a date from hell. I did not even know the names of any of the five men who had fucked me in my hypnotic state. They did not know mine either, thank goodness. I came in, looked in on Mary Ann, and noticed she was floating in air around six inches above the bed. Well, that's not normal, I thought. This was one of the weirdest trips I had ever been on. Where did we get that weed, anyway? Who knew it was this powerful!

I left the bedroom and entered the living room and almost had a heart attack. "How did you get in here? How did you get through the locked door?" I asked, in my sweet, totally upset voice.

"I need to fuck you for the rapture. I have already fucked the ten preliminary girls," Stude said,

"Sorry Stude, that's not going to happen. I'm all fucked out tonight. Besides, I'm allergic to candy cane cum."

"I have to fuck you, Sally. Otherwise the rapture won't come," Stude said. "We'll have to take a chance with your allergy." He really was batshit crazy.

"I'm okay with the rapture not coming tonight, Stude. I don't want to fuck you, and don't try any of that hypnosis stuff like you did with Mary Ann and the nine others," I said. "If you do, it's rape. I just want you out of here, and to go to sleep."