Blindsided Ch. 02

(There is no sex in this chapter. It didn't seem to fit.)

The entire drive home was made in complete silence. I huddled in the passenger's seat and stared out the windshield. I had no idea what I could possibly say.

He finally broke the silence after we pulled into our garage. He didn't break it much.

"Come on." I remained frozen in the car.

"I said, COME ON! Get in the damn house."

I fought back my tears. Ivan had never spoken to me like that, but I had never given him cause before. I followed him into the house and to the den. The den that in a happier time we had talked about renaming the "Family Room". Now I wondered if that would ever happen.

He pointed at the couch. "Sit."

I sat, with my knees drawn up under my chin and my arms wrapped around them. I couldn't take my eyes off Ivan. He looked so angry and at the same time so very sad. God, what had I done to him?

He sat in his chair and stared at me. Long minutes passed.

"For God's sake, Ivan, say something," I finally burst out.

"What the hell do you want me to say?" He almost snarled as he came to his feet. He towered over me and I shrank back into a tight ball on the couch.

"Do you want me to tell you about waking up this morning in David's guest room and finding you not with me? Do you want me to tell you that I realized I hadn't seen you since we danced together the night before? How about looking around for my loving, faithful wife and finally looking in the one place I would have never dreamed of seeing her? Maybe you'd like to know what I felt when you finally ran out of the house and I saw you standing there with another man's cum running down your thighs? Maybe you would like to know how it feels to have your heart ripped from your chest?"

By now he was almost screaming. I was crying now, great sobs that took the breath from me.

He dropped onto the couch next to me. "Marie, for God's sake YOU say something. Tell me why. Tell me what went wrong so that you sought love in my best friend's arms."

I tried to explain. The thing was I had no explanation. I couldn't recall anything much more than a wild coupling. I didn't even realize it was David.

As if that was believable. I remembered another couple we had known once. She would get drunk every now and then and act like the worst bitch in the world. The next morning she not only couldn't recall what had happened, she denied anything untoward took place. She didn't remember, it didn't happen.

Well I knew damn well it had happened. But I didn't remember much of it, and sure as hell didn't remember going to bed with David, or doing anything at all with him. Would Ivan accept that?

From the look on his face as I stammered out my confusion and sorrow, he didn't believe me. Shit, I wouldn't have believed me either. It sounded so lame, but it was the truth.

Through my tears I did manage to tell him I was so sorry. Sorry about everything, about hurting him, betraying his trust, sorry about the events that had led us to this. Finally he had enough and turned away.

"I don't know what's going to happen. I can't stay here." He headed for the door. "I'll be back, sometime." The door slammed behind him and I heard the car leave.

I simply sat there. I watched the shadows lengthen and nightfall arrive. I switched on the lamp beside the couch, afraid that the darkness would claim me.

It was the next afternoon before I heard the door open. I was still sitting on the couch. I was afraid to go most anywhere else in the house. Definitely not our bedroom. I had used the shower by the utility room to clean up, scrubbing myself as I had never done before. I had subsisted on coffee and very little else. Every time I tried to eat I could see a montage of David's back and Ivan's face and I would throw up. I slept fitfully on the couch

When Ivan walked back in I wanted to rush to him, to throw my arms around him, but I couldn't. I knew that it would be a gesture that I would have to earn from him. I just sat as I had been sitting, curled up in a ball on the couch and watched his face for some sign.

He sat back in his easy chair. He sighed and ran his hand over his face. He didn't look like he had slept much either. Finally he looked at me, for a moment. His eyes slid away from mine as though he couldn't stand to look at my face. How could I blame him?

"I'm not going to divorce you, Marie."

I wanted to spring from the couch and rush to him. God, I was ready to crawl to him for telling me that. I don't know that I ever loved him more than I did in that moment. But all I could do was whisper, "Thank you."

"But things are going to be different around here, I can tell you that. You will never be in the same house as David. If he comes into a restaurant you are eating at, you will get up and leave." He looked at me with one eyebrow raised in question.

I nodded assent.

"Speaking of that, you will not go anywhere without letting me know where you are going and with whom you are going. You will not be alone with any guy, even in a social situation unless I know about it and okay it." He looked around the house. "I wish we could afford to live on my salary but right now we can't. Besides," and now he looked at me, "I feel safer knowing you are in the same building as me during the day. Unless, of course, you're fucking someone there."

"NO, God Ivan, never." I wanted to tell him I would never cheat on him at work but the words stuck in my throat. Until last night I would have thought I would never have cheated on him anywhere.

"There's more." He got up and began to pace, with his hands clasped behind his back. He looked at me and took a deep breath. "I may, or may not, decide to have my own affair." I started to protest and shut my mouth. He must have caught my flinching though. He raised his hand and pointed at me. "You have given up any right to protest that decision, if I decide to make it."

He stood before me. "Anytime you feel that you cannot deal with this, well, I'm going to give you one more option. Tomorrow we are going to the lawyer's office. He's drawn up divorce papers and will be holding a certified check for ten thousand dollars. I've already signed the papers. Tomorrow you will. If you find you can't deal with the consequences of your actions, just drive down there any day, sign them and pick up your check. The rest of our community property you will forfeit."

I jerked my head up and down.

"You will not discuss this with anyone. Not even Evelyn, or maybe I should say, especially her. She's never liked me and she would spread it all over the company , hell, the whole town. Right now nobody but you and I, and of course David, know about this . Somehow I will talk to David and convince him to be quiet. Shit," he went on bitterly, "He owes me that at least."

"Oh, and I was planning on sleeping in the guest room. But that was a silly notion." I looked at him, apparently with some hope in my eyes, because he hastened to add, "You will sleep in the guest room." He looked away from me again. "At least you didn't fuck him in our bed."

I buried my face in my hands, but I was all cried out.

"Needless to say, I will not be having sex with you for a minimum of six months. After we see the lawyer, I want you to make a doctor's appointment and get checked for any and all of the things you might have picked up. David is quite a swordsman and there's no telling where his cock has been besides your pussy."

He rose and started up the stairs.

"I'm going to take a shower. By the time I get out, I expect you to have moved whatever you want to take into the other bedroom. I don't want you back in there until I say so."

When I heard the water running, I went upstairs to our bedroom. Mechanically I packed up my clothing and moved across the hall. I cleaned my personal items from the dresser, removing my presence from the room. I wondered briefly about my stuff in the bathroom. I decided to leave it. I could always buy more toothpaste and feminine products. I was not going to contravene his decision by going in there after them.

As it turned out, I didn't have to. Later, when he came to eat supper, he gruffly informed me that he had packed my "doodads" up and moved them to the other bathroom.

The next day we went to the lawyer's office and signed papers that could mark the end of our marriage. When we were finished, the only thing that kept me from being divorced was my signature on the last page. Ivan dropped me off at the doctor's office and I underwent a battery of tests. Everything came back negative but, as I already knew, it could take up to 6 months for HIV to show up.

Life went on. It always does. I fixed meals, I cleaned the house, I went to work and came right home. When I needed to go to the store I phoned Ivan and told him where I was going and I called him the moment I got home. I always used the phone in the house, never my cell phone so he would know for certain that I was really at the house.

I never saw David. I heard through the grapevine that Ivan had gone to see him and that there had been a lot of yelling behind the door of David's office and sounds that indicated that they may have come to blows. I didn't try to find out anything else.

Evie knew something was wrong from the very first morning back at work. It upset her that I refused to tell her. I knew that hurt, we had always confided in each other, but I had made a promise to Ivan. I had broken one promise to him and I was determined I would not give him cause to think I would break another. Finally she stopped asking, simply reassuring me that we would always be friends no matter what. I almost cried at that, but even weeks after that night I was still too drained to cry.

Ivan treated me civilly and correctly, but also kept me at arms reach. There were no words of affection, no touches, no hints that reconciliation was any closer as the days passed.

Once he slipped. I had made his favorite Sunday dinner and he had eaten two helpings of pot roast and was nibbling on a third when he finally pushed the plate away. He groaned in happiness.

"Thank you, honey. That was great."

I don't know if he even heard himself. But I did and I clutched those words to my heart.

Ivan continued to travel for his job. He continued his Friday nights out. I knew he wasn't playing poker with David but he apparently found another game to attend. He would come home late at night with the smell of cigar smoke on his clothes and the occasional chip in his pocket.

I once had to call him when I discovered I had forgotten several things at the grocery store that afternoon. He gave me permission and curtly told me not to disturb him again when I got home. I hoped that it meant he was beginning to trust me again, at least a little.

Then the bottom fell out one week just when I was starting to think that maybe we were going to be able to overcome this.

Ivan came home right on time. He often worked late, while I closed up my computer and books right at 4:30. I had made arrangements for a bit of "swing" hours so that I could avoid the traffic and be right on schedule arriving either at home or work.

He walked to the sideboard in the dining room and splashed whiskey into a glass. He came into the kitchen where I was cooking, added a touch of water and a single ice cube to his drink. He stood beside me and took several swallows before speaking.

He was abrupt. "I'm going to Chicago for a conference next week. For no reason other than sheer whim, I'm going to leave tomorrow and make a vacation out of the whole thing. I've cleared it with Mr. Jaxxon, the Vice-President, to take some time off. I'll be gone for two weeks, perhaps more."

He turned and looked out the window. Twice he started to speak and then fell silent. The third time he cleared his throat and spoke.

"I'm not going alone."

"Not going alone." Those words seemed to echo through the house.

Now it was my turn to find words failing me. I was pretty sure that he didn't mean me, but I waited for him to say it.

"I see."

"I'm taking Lynn Richardson with me."

Lynn Richardson. I knew her. A sharp featured blonde with a large chest and longer legs, neither of which she made any effort to conceal. Divorced twice, she was a good risk analyst but was never going to progress too much farther at Whitaker and Company because of that. Still tightly controlled by the founder and his sons, they were big on "family togetherness". She had a reputation for enjoying the guys and for them enjoying her. I knew that Ivan being married was no bar to her.

I searched Ivan's face. There was determination there, and perhaps, just a hint of unease, embarrassment even. He knew I was well aware of what he was intending to do while on that conference and vacation.

"Do you," I swallowed heavily and tried to keep my voice steady. "Do you want me to drive you to the airport?"

"No. I've made other arrangements."

"I see."

"I warned you this could happen."

"I know, Ivan." I turned to face him. "But Ivan, two weeks? Two weeks with her? Aren't you punishing me too much? I know you are still hurt but this is going to hurt me even worse. You're going away with someone, deliberately and leaving me behind. This is no accidental slip from too much to drink. This is calculated."

"Maybe it is. But its going to happen. I want my self-respect back. If you don't like it, go to the lawyer's office."

The rest of the evening was in silence. Ivan packed while I cleaned up from supper. When I started up the stairs to bed his voice came from behind me.

"Marie? Maybe when this is over, it will all be over. Maybe we can get back to where we started. A clean slate."

I looked at him and nodded. "I hope so." I climbed the stairs. At the top I whispered, "I hope the woman you married can still be found under the shell I've become."

I laid in bed and listened to Ivan leave the next morning. Getting up finally, I got dressed and nibbled some toast and black coffee before leaving for work. At 9 AM I called to make a lunchtime appointment at a clinic nearby. It was not the same one I had visited before for my tests. This time I needed only one test and I was pretty sure I knew the answer already.

I sat in the waiting room, unable to comprehend what I damn well knew what was going on. The nurse came and escorted me to an examining room. The test took only minutes. The doctor came in with a broad smile on her face.

"Congratulations!"

"I'm pregnant aren't I?" I answered her quietly.

"Why, yes you are," She seemed taken aback. "Is that wrong?"

"No, no, not at all." I smiled at her, stretching my mouth into an artificial grimace with no laughter or happiness behind it. I nodded and mumbled things like "Yes" and "I'll do that" to the barrage of instructions that followed on what to do and what not to do. I left with a copy of "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and a card with my next appointment scribbled on it.

That was an appointment I had no intention of ever going to. I sat in the car and collapsed into tears. Was there the slightest chance the baby was Ivan's? No. The time frame meant that David was the father, that the baby had been conceived on that night, unless of course I had been pregnant for three months prior to that night and hadn't noticed it.

I shook my head sadly. All the work, the effort, down the damn drain. I had no hope of concealing this from Ivan. Just when the possibility loomed that we could get our marriage back on track came this. This would shatter it forever. Ivan was not about to raise some other man's biracial child. And I didn't know if I could either.

For an instant I thought about an abortion. No, I dismissed the thought instantly. Regardless of my stupidity, the life growing inside me had done nothing wrong. I would not presume to dictate to other women, but I could not terminate the pregnancy.

I drove slowly home. Well, not home now and never to be again. I carefully packed everything I could into my car. Regardless of the agreement, I felt I deserved the car. I had brought it into the marriage, I was going to take it back out. The same for the contents of the savings account I had started when I first went to work. I had never closed it but my faithful pre-marriage contributions would give me a nest egg.

One last thing to do. I drove to the lawyer's office. He wasn't there, but his bored clerk found the file and brought me the papers to sign. She notarized my signature and handed me the check. She told me she would carry the papers to the courthouse and file them that afternoon. Because it was uncontested the final decree would be issued in 30 days.

I tucked that certified check in the trunk where I had put the cashier's check that represented the bulk of my savings account. I had left my credit cards in the dresser at my former home. I had one remaining, the one in my name that I never used but kept open because a financial advisor has told us it was important to keep credit in my name in case something ever happened to Ivan. Well, something had. I had lost him.

I stood by my car and took one last look around the town I had called home for so long. I pulled an old Kennedy Half Dollar from my jeans and spun it in the air. Heads I went north, tails I went South.

I caught the coin and looked. Tails. Climbing into my overloaded car, I started the engine and took the highway south.

(To be continued)