tagHumor & SatireBob the Knob

Bob the Knob


"C'mon Cat, please?"


"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease . . . . "


"Thanks Cat, I really appreciate it."

"So what's your cousin's name again?"

"Bob. He lives in San Francisco. He's only coming for the weekend . . . . . a long weekend . . . . . five days tops . . . . . definitely no more than a week."

"Oh for chrissakes Michele, I have to entertain your nerdy cousin for a week?? Isn't he married?"

"Nope, never been. He's a very independent person, like you! Just a little shy is all."

"Yeah right. How old is he?"

"He's 38, a lot younger than you of course, but not a problem right?"

"Watch it 'Chele, or I'll have to bitch slap you into next week. You know I'm only 44. So your cousin Bob is a shy thirty eight year old single guy living in San Francisco. Gosh, I'm sure he couldn't possibly be gay huh?"

"He's not gay, he's just very sensitive and sweet. I'll bet you ten dollars you're gonna like him. He's an engineer too. He does something with cell phones and Blackberries or computers or something. You two have a lot in common."

It was a standing joke between Cat and her friend Michele that they were always making bets with each other. They were both very competitive and neither one liked to lose.

"Uh, no offense 'Chele, but a guy that works with cell phones is not an engineer. At the Cape, we call them technicians. They solder wire and replace batteries; not exactly the same thing as an environmental and life support systems engineer for the space shuttle program. I doubt we have very much in common."

"Well excuse me Miss My-Shit-Don't-Stink blonde rocket scientist best friend of mine. I didn't realize you were too important to socialize with mere mortals. I'll just tell cousin Bob the Knob not to even bother coming to Tennessee; I'll just take my last few remaining vacation days and go visit him out in California. I'll bet you couldn't even get him to kiss you goodnight anyway."

"Bob the Knob? What the hell does that mean? Where did he get a nickname like that? And I'll bet I'll be using his face as a seat cushion by the second day."

"I don't know, it was back in high school. I remember hearing some of his friends call him that, but he would never tell me where it came from. It's probably a reference to his nose. I'll bet YOU can't get him to tell you where the nickname came from."

"So he has a big nose too? Does he have any hair left? Has his acne cleared up yet? How much does he weigh?"

"He's a very solid 300 lbs, all muscle I believe. He has a lot of hair, he's not balding like his father."

"Ah, a solid 300 lbs, he must have been a defensive tackle in college right? God, what am I getting myself into here."

"You'll like him, really. He's really witty, and very intelligent, just the way you like your men. I'm sure he won't find you too hideous."

"Uh huh, a jolly fat guy with a big nose. He's either Santa Claus or the number one pivot man in all the popular San Francisco circle jerks. I'll bet I can get him to propose to me before the week's out."

"Come on Cat, just be nice to him. He was always very good to me when we were kids, like an older brother. You know how awkward it is to be the only one without a date. I don't want him to feel weird when we all go out as couples and he's all alone. Who knows, I'll bet you two will even hit it off! You'll be doing me and Tim a big favor. Do it for me, please? I'll let you explore your bi-curious tendencies with me. Anything you want. Deal?"

"Okay deal. But I'm not a lesbian dammit!"

"Thanks Cat, you're the best. Oh, and one more thing. Please don't hurt Bob."

"Why, does he have emotional problems too? Hey, has he ever been a mental patient?"

"No silly, I mean don't hurt him physically. You know, don't tie him up and paddle him or put handcuffs on him, or sit on his face until he can't breathe or anything like that. And for god's sake, don't use that crazy kung fu shit on him."

"Only in self-defense 'Chele, only in self-defense. Hell, for all I know, your cousin Bob could be the next Ted Bundy!"

As Michele lay back on the bed, she slipped her tube top off over her head, and then pulled off her tight little shorts, revealing the prettiest little pussy Cat had ever seen. 'Chele had small firm breasts, almost like a young teenager's, with perky pink nipples. Michele was only 33, and she kept her body as tight as a twenty year old's, running and working out at the same gym Cat used. As Cat placed her head between Michele's tan thighs, she thought to herself, "I'm not gay, just curious. Nothing will ever take the place of a nice hard cock pumping in and out of my pussy, or pounding away in my ass." And Cat loved the taste of semen, she couldn't get enough of it. But a woman knows how to eat pussy better than any man, and she loved tasting a nice healthy young twat every now and then. She dove in face first, and began licking and sucking Michele's cunt lips, seeking out her clit, bringing the young woman to orgasm within minutes. Soon Cat's face was all slick and shiny, coated with Michele's copious pussy cream.

A few days later . . . .

Bob was sitting in his cousin Michele's living room, feeling very uncomfortable. Her friend Katerina, or Katrina, or was it Catalina or Cantina (no, that's Spanish for restaurant or kitchen I think) or maybe Katmandu, god he hated when he forgot people's names. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Now I'm gonna look like an idiot when everyone figures out I don't know her name he thought. Why would she agree to go out with me she must be desperate no way Jose look at her! She's a shuttle engineer I'd love to be on the space shuttle she must be super smart and can have any guy she wants I wonder if she likes big men . . . . . .


And she's so pretty! Long blonde hair, nice smile, slim and trim, she must work out damn I need to start losing weight she must think I'm a fat slob I wonder if she likes ice cream stop it Bob no ice cream she probably eats healthy no meat well maybe some meat hehehe look at those legs damn she's hot and no way she's 44 maybe 34 and those tits holy shit I'd like to put a lip lock on those babies Got Milk? yummy for Bob's tummy . . . . .

"Did you hear what I said Bob?"

Uh oh, Michele's talking to me. What the fuck did she say?

"I'm sorry Michele, I was admiring the beautiful surroundings, present company included."

"Aw isn't that sweet Cat, Bob thinks we're beautiful!"

Catcatcatcatcatcatcat its cat don't forget it this time remember kitty cat pussy cat maybe just pussy hehehehehehe . . . . .

"Thanks Bob," Cat said.

"You're very welcome Cat."

"Come on guys, lets go get something to eat," said Tim, Michele's husband.

The conversation during dinner flowed easily and smoothly. Cat and Bob the Knob got along great. Bob was beside himself; he had never met such a fascinating woman before. She was so smart, she knew all kinds of things, and was quite well versed in quantum physics, which was one of Bob's hobbies. And she had been on an actual space shuttle!! A bunch of times!!! She went to parties with real live astronauts! And she'd been on TV too; well, her voice had, not her face, but it was only a matter of time. And she ran three miles every day, and had a black belt in karate, and best of all, she loved Star Trek! Even the original show, just like he did. Bob realized he was falling madly, deeply, irreparably in love with this woman he had just met. I sure hope she likes the Crusher, he thought to himself.

Bob was getting turned on, not a good thing while he was out in public. His dick was getting hard, and the Crusher was growing larger. Even soft, the Crusher made a distinctive bulge in Bob the Knob's pants. But when it got hard, it looked like he was hiding a snake that just swallowed a Chihuahua in there. This could get embarrassing, he rightly thought.

Cat thought Bob was a really nice guy, just like 'Chele had said. He didn't appear to be shy at all; in fact, he seemed very forward and uninhibited. Cat wondered if he knew they were drinking Long Island iced teas, and not the standard non-alcoholic version. After awhile, Cat noticed Bob was squirming around in his seat, like someone who needed to go to the bathroom. He seemed reluctant to get up from his chair.

When dinner was over, they all drove back to Tim and Michele's house. Michele insisted Cat stay the night, mainly because she knew her friend was too drunk to drive herself through the mountains to get home. Cat was taken to the guest room on the second floor, where she immediately collapsed onto the bed, sound asleep. Bob insisted on sleeping on the pull out bed in the finished basement. It was quite nice down there actually, with a home theater system and sound proofed walls so that the rest of the house occupants wouldn't be disturbed when someone was watching the huge LCD TV with surround sound.

Bob discovered Tim's secret stash of porno DVD's, and began watching a 3D animation about a beautiful and fearless princess from a solar system far far away, who, in order to rule the entire galaxy, must first defeat a slew of strange looking aliens by fucking them to death. He imagined Cat as the space princess (how appropriate!), her strong, athletic body stripped nude, standing in the middle of a huge arena as millions of beings watch her do battle against ugly, giant creatures with massive sex organs. One by one, she subdues her adversaries, taking impossibly large alien penises and thrusting them into all her human-sized orifices, sucking and fucking her way to an inevitable victory.

By now Bob the Knob had a huge hard-on, which he was unconsciously rubbing along the outside of his boxers. Just then the real Cat stumbled into the basement, her eyes half shut from alcohol and sleepiness. She was wearing nothing more than a pair of yellow bikini panties and a white men's undershirt, probably borrowed from their host. Bob could see Cat's very prominent nipples poking out the front of the shirt, her areolas clearly visible through the thin cotton material. The undershirt was bunched up at her waist, exposing her belly button and the low-rise panties further down. Bob's dick got even harder, and he quickly grabbed a pillow and put it across his lap.

Glancing at the TV screen, Cat said to Bob, "Ah, that must be the Discovery channel huh? Or maybe a long lost episode of Star Trek I never saw."

Fumbling with the remote, Bob the Knob was trying to shut the damn thing off. Fuck, he thought, now she thinks I'm a pervert too. Ohmygod ohmygod she's coming over here she's gonna sit down look at those nippies god I'd like to tweak them what do you mean tweak them you idiot you mean suck them don't you yes I know what I mean don't talk to me like that who me yes you but I am you you moron oh shit I can see her pussy lips oh god look at that camel toe what does that mean anyway I don't know I guess camel toes look like pussies how can they look like pussies do camels have toes I thought they had hooves its just an expression you dumbass . . . . . .

"Hello? Bob? You okay?"

"Whaaa . . . . . Uh no, not really. I mean I'm okay, I meant the movie was just something I found laying around. It's pretty stupid actually, I don't think you'd like it. I'll just turn it to something else . . . "

"No way! Leave it on, I wanna see if she can fit that thing into her pussy."

Oooh she said pussy that turns me on oh no the crusher the crusher its growing oh no not again . . . . . .

"Holy shit! I guess she can. Amazing what they can do with animation nowadays, huh Bob?"

"Yeah its amazing alright. So you're a rocket scientist?"

"No, I'm an engineer. Now I work as something called a CILO, Confidential Information Liaison Officer. I brief dignitaries on the shuttle, mission details, stuff like that. Hey give me one of those pillows so I can lay down and watch the movie with you."

"You mean here on the bed?"

"Uh, yeah Bob. Give me that one that's in your lap."


"My, my, aren't we possessive? Okay, then I'll just lay my head there."

Cat lay down on the bed next to Bob the Knob and placed her head on the pillow in Bob's lap. It seemed lumpy and bumpy for some reason, so Cat started pounding it with her open palm, trying to flatten it down. Cat's shirt rose even higher, exposing more of her flat tummy while at the same time her panties slid lower, exposing the crack of her ass. Even as he grimaced from the pain in his crotch as Cat pummeled the Crusher, Bob the Knob wanted to lick her butt, he wanted to run his tongue up and down her ass crack, he wanted to dig deep, pull her fleshy orbs apart, jam the tip of his tongue into her poop shoot, ream her good, lickety lick.

Bob the Knob loved butts, he loved buttholes, he loved Cat's butthole, he loved saying butthole. In the meantime, Cat was trying to figure out why the pillow was still lumpy bumpy. Bob the Knob looked like he was in a daze, so she grabbed the pillow and pulled it away from his lap. Ah there's the problem, Bob the Knob has a lumpy bump in his shorts. I wonder what that could be, she wickedly thought to herself.

With an evil grin on her face, Cat said to Bob the Knob, "What have we here? Looks like someone is really enjoying this movie after all. Let's see what Bob the Knob is really made of."

On the TV screen, the space princess had a giant cucumber-looking thingy in her mouth, and a spikey giant baseball bat thingy in her twat, and a long, thin python-like thingy in her ass, and she was doing her best to destroy these three aliens at one time. All of a sudden, the three aliens simultaneously ejaculated their alien sperm, filling the space princess orifices to overflowing. Alien jizz was everywhere, coating the princess from head to toe.

Before Bob could react, Cat had managed to pull his shorts completely off, leaving him naked as the day he was born. The Crusher reared its massive head, staring at the pretty blonde woman with its one eye, sizing her up, ready to spit, waiting to inject its hot sticky venom into an innocent, unsuspecting victim.

"What the fuck is that?" Cat exclaimed.

Bob calmly replied, "Oh that's the Crusher."

"The Crusher? Jesus H. Christ, don't tell me that's attached to your dick!"

"That is the tip of my penis."

Cat was staring at the largest cock helmet she had ever seen. And she had seen quite a few. That was the king of all mushroom caps, easily the size of cantaloupe. The shaft itself was of a normal size and length, but that tip . . . . .

"No wonder they called you Bob the Knob! It doesn't have anything to do with your nose. Holy crap, have you ever managed penetration with it?"

"No never. No woman has ever, um, been able to accommodate the Crusher. I don't think its physically possible actually.

"Hmm, sounds like a challenge. I love a good challenge. Mind if I try?"

"No, not at all, be my guest."

Grabbing Bob's shaft with both hands, Cat brought the Crusher to her lips, licking it up and down and all around, completely coating it with her saliva. When she tried to get it into her mouth, it just wouldn't go. Even as big as her mouth is, Cat could not get the Crusher past her lips.

"Wait a minute, I have an idea," said Cat.

She ran upstairs to the kitchen and began looking for something, anything . . . .

"Ah HAH! This should help."

Cat grabbed a bottle of canola oil, a couple of sticks of butter (no margarine for this girl), and a can of whipped cream, and ran back down to the basement. Bob the Knob was holding his dick, his fist completely obscured by the Crusher.

"Okay, lay flat on the bed."

With Bob on his back, Cat straddled his legs, and then took the sticks of butter and coated his dick from top to bottom, stem to stern, fore and aft, port and starboard. The Crusher got a whole stick of butter all to himself, a thick layer which completely covered up any traces of the flesh beneath. Cat jumped off the bed and stood on the floor quickly stripping off her flimsy sleepwear. Bob the Knob stared at her boobs, her crotch, back to the boobs. He wished she would turn around so he could see her naked butt.

Butthole butthole butthole I wish I could see Cat's butthole I like saying butthole hehehehehehe let me lick her butthole I want to suck her butthole the Crusher loves her butthole you can't have her butthole because you're too fat no you're too fat Cat won't marry you anyway yes she will I'll kidnap her and make her marry me mmm mmm good mmm mmm good that's what Cat's butthole is mmm mmm good.

Laying back down on the bed, Cat brought her knees up and, taking the bottle of canola oil, poured a generous amount of the liquid into her snatch. When she felt filled up, she held her pussy lips closed to keep the oil from leaking out, and then climbed atop Bob the Knob, straddling the Crusher. She then squirted whipped cream into her mouth and down her throat, then applied a generous amount all over the Crusher. As she placed her twat against the huge protuberance, she slowly tried to force her pelvis down. Oil was leaking out of her cunt, dripping all over the whipped cream/butter coated Crusher.

As Cat forced her hips down, she said, "So why . . . . . .ugh . . . . . do you . . . . . ooof . . . . . call it the Crusher?"

Bob replied, "Because it tends to crush a woman's . . . . . . . sex parts. Its too much, no one can take it. I'll never get to penetrate a real live puss."

"We'll see about that. There's no prick this little puss can't take. A woman can pass a baby through there, she can certainly pass a watermelon sized cock head. Just gimme a minute here."

Cat flipped and flopped, she squirmed and squealed, she gyrated and pumped, and finally, something gave. Part of the spongy head went in. With renewed vigor, Cat bounced hard, up and down, her legs splayed out to the sides. It hurt a little, and even Bob was stifling a groan or two, but Cat was determined. She rocked front and back, side to side, and it went in a little more.

"Come on, come on . . . . . . . uh gawd that thing is fucking killing me . . . . . . ouch, ouch, ouch . . . . . . . get in there dammit!"

"Uh maybe we should wait awhile Cat, I don't think . . . . . . . YEOW!!"

As Cat pushed down, she urged Bob to thrust up, and it moved again. More than half the Crusher was in, and now Cat knew why Bob the Knob called it that. It was crushing her clit, squeezing it like its never been squeezed before. Without warning, Cat had her first orgasm. Her vaginal muscles went into spasms, twisting and clenching, and the Crusher started to slip back out, but her internal lubricant helped a little, and the Crusher went back in, more and more, further and further. With one final plunge, Cat used all her weight and seated that bad boy completely within the confines of her cervix.

"OW, OW, OW . . . . . . It's in! It's in! Hah, I told you! It's . . . . . . Oh my, I'm . . . . . . oh god . . . . . . I'm cu . . . cu . . . CUMMING!!!"

The Crusher was fully inside Cat, the giant mushroom head pushing her organs this way and that. A huge bulge showed prominently in Cat's pelvis, her pussy lips clenched over the shaft of Bob's penis, the edges of the Crusher were wrapped tightly, sealing it firmly inside. Living up to its name, the Crusher kept a constant pressure on Cat's clit, pushing, squeezing, mashing, CRUSHING! Cat was experiencing one orgasm after another, they wouldn't stop. The stimulation was relentless, it just kept coming, crashing, pounding, sending wave after wave of pleasure through Cat's body. It was wonderful, it was strange, it was driving her mad with lust. There was no break, no pause, it just wouldn't stop. Cat couldn't see, couldn't hear, couldn't think, couldn't . . . . . . . . .

Bob was in heaven, he couldn't believe she got it in. No woman had ever done that before. It felt so good, so right, so goddamn tight! Jeez what a fucking squeeze holy shit wowow yeah baby alright you go girl who's your daddy? oh man that feels good I want this all the time I gotta get me some of this I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs this chick is mine she must be stretched like the grand canyon I'm keeping her all to myself damn fuck shit on a stick . . . . . Mmpfh . . . . . uh oh here it comes . . . . .

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