Book 03: A Match Made - Ch. 01

Kara did a fantabulous Jello imitation as she convulsed in laughter.

"Our barbarians had no trouble finding or storming each other's gates, baby girl." One more totes hot kiss was followed up with, "Go, you; I'll call you later after I'm home." Hot grays watered. "I love you. Thank you so much."

I choked out the words. "I love you. Don't mention it. It's what you do when you love someone like I do you."

Driving home wasn't easy with tears – even on a Saturday afternoon. It's probably a good thing the seasons had changed back to construction. I kid. I think they call it literary license. I don't have one. Wink!

** April 5th, 2014**

Kara

I emptied the two drawer dresser that stood opposite the single bed and caddy corner from my desk. The bottom drawer caught when I got it half way out, I kick the side and jiggle it the rest of the way. It was Colleen, my orderly, who showed me that trick. I was cussing loud enough for her to hear me down the hall and she came running in, obviously expecting something else. When she saw me jerking the hell out of the drawer, she laughed. I didn't even realize she walked in until she shouted over my swearing, "What did that drawer do to you?" I remember the fire shooting out of my eyes as I looked up. When I saw the mirth in hers, I relaxed. She walked over and demonstrated the 'kick and jiggle' technique. My eyes narrowed and she winked at me and walked out. Brat! Since moving from detox, Colleen had become somewhat of a confidant. Now, I even consider her a friend.

Smiling, I pull the three stacks of clothes out and lay everything out on my bed. There wasn't much, although definitely more than when I started. That seems like so long ago... I'm a different person. Don't get ahead of yourself – Shut Up! Laughing to myself, I begin the process of refolding my clothes so I can fit them in my small suitcase. Thinking back to the day I was admitted, I remember them taking away the clothes I was wearing and replacing them with navy blue sweatpants and gray t-shirt. Better than an orange jumpsuit I suppose, but I can't say it didn't feel a bit like prison. Who volunteers for prison?

That was all I wore during detox and the next couple of weeks. Well, not those exact ones but the same, only varying shades of the blue and gray. I had to earn the right to wear my own clothes. In fact, some of my clothes were things Lissy brought with her during that first visit. I shiver at the memory and my eyes fill. Shake it off, you're going home.

My mind jumped to the session I had this morning with Claudette, my therapist. We had talked almost every day since detox and after today, we may never speak again. I mean, I guess she'll check in or maybe I'll call her, but then again maybe not. That's what this morning was about: my next step. She and I had spoken many times about what type of N.A. sponsor I'd prefer, personality wise mostly. In the end, it was Claudette's decision and she chose Britta.

Although she is in her early thirties, she, Britta, looks considerably older. A result of her life choices I'd guess. She's a shorty like me, blonde hair and piercing green eyes. They remind me of Destiny but haunted. Destiny... I miss her terribly. I'd maybe had half a dozen conversations with her in the last ninety days, but they were always focused on me and how I was doing. I'm anxious to have some time with her, to just 'chillax' as she'd say. I smile as her face flashes in my mind and that smirk of hers. That will have to wait though, my priority is finishing what I started. I need to stay focused on my health, and of course any free time will be spent with my baby. Goosebumps incoming! It doesn't surprise me that I have this reaction to the mere thought of Lissy; it's just how deeply it affects me every time.

What was I talking about? - Oh yeah, my N.A. sponsor. Britta is waiting in Claudette's office when I walk in. We lock eyes, her demeanor is rigid but her eyes are soft. If I didn't know better, I'd say she's nervous. Claudette motioned to the chair opposite the pretty blonde, saying, "Kara, please come in and join us. We need to talk about what happens after you leave today." I should have looked where I was walking, I nearly fall into her lap as I trip on an imaginary thing on the floor. Regaining my footing just in time, I find my chair. Klutz! I look down, feeling awkward.

Britta bursts out laughing. At least I broke the tension. "It's okay, Kara, I can see why Claudette chose me. Forget two left feet; it's more like four with me." I meet her gaze and giggle. She's being sincere, what a refreshing quality. Her hand stretches between our chairs. "Britta. Nice to meet you, Kara." We shake hands; I like her already.

"Great! I can tell this is going to work splendidly. Now, let's get down to business." I looked up at Claudette, who's thumbing through a stack of papers as she talks, "Getting the formalities out of the way first. Kara, a sponsor is just a piece to the puzzle. You will need to go to as many meetings as possible for at least the first month after leaving here." She lifts her eyes; we both nod. "Okay, good. Now, Britta is your point of contact from here on out. Whether you're having an easy time of it or you feel as if you're on the brink of relapse, you need to communicate with her regularly. I won't speak to the details of her experience with drugs, she'll do that, but I will say I picked her because I truly feel she gives you a greater chance of success. You'll find that you need her more than you thought and in a way, she needs you too." I fidget in my seat. I'm not sure I like the thought of leaning on someone besides Lissy.

Claudette took a sip of her water then continued. "Now you may think that Lissy is your confidant, but I'd advise you to avoid using her as your ear or shoulder when it comes to your addiction." Is she a fucking mind reader? I suppose she's done that frequently since we began. Hush and listen! I nod and tune into her words again. "When it comes to you and Lissy, you have plenty to deal with outside of this. You may feel it revolves around your addiction, but your energy should be spent on repairing your relationship. Let Britta be the one to help you bear the weight of this process. I can tell by your face you're not convinced and that's understandable. All I can say is... give it some thought." It seems foreign for her to be giving me the option to think and make decisions. Our sessions have been, for the most part, controlled by her; the steps dictated to me. I sat up and straightened my shoulders. This feels good... I'm ready.

I realize that the talking had stopped. Are they waiting for me to say something? I look back and forth between them. Dammit, I told you to pay attention. Be quiet! I can't think with you here. "Kara? Do you understand what I'm saying?" Shit, I hope I caught the last of what she said.

Only one way to find out. "Yes, I understand perfectly. Go to meetings, a lot of them. Talk to Britta as much as possible and lean on her, not Lissy." That sounds weird coming out of my mouth. "I'll admit I'm not sure how I feel about keeping things from her, but I'll do my best." Was that convincing?

Claudette grinned knowingly. She has learned more than a few things about me these last few months. I can't bullshit her anymore. Not sure I ever could. She stood and came around her desk to stand between me and Britta, but looked just at me as she said, "I know you will, Kara. I wouldn't be releasing you if I thought you weren't ready. You're one of the most fascinating patients I've had the pleasure of treating. I'll..." Her voice cracked, she swallowed hard and her eyes filled. "I'll miss you. Please call me if you ever need anything... or nothing." Her kindness washes over me. I'll miss her too. I can't believe I'm saying that, after how much I fought her in the beginning. I took a step and pulled her into a hug. She's stiff at first, taken by surprise, but then relaxed and hugged me back. We held on to each other for a few moments, both realizing that this is goodbye.

I let go and leaned back to look into her eyes. "I'll miss you too. Claudette..." The words threaten to get stuck in my throat; this is tougher than I expected. "If it wasn't for you, for your insistence on my reflection of what and how I got here... not just into rehab, but how I found my way to the bottom, I never would have found my way back up. It's been a painful climb, but I can see clearer now. I see myself differently; I like me again. It's been longer than I can remember since I've truly felt that way." She looked like she wanted to respond but I raised my hand slightly, "Wait, let me finish." She smiles and nods. I grab her hand; I know what she wants to say. I've learned a bit about her too. "I take credit for my role. I do. But I also know that I could have been assigned to any number of therapists, and at that place deep inside people refer to as their gut, I know I was meant to find you. You've shown me the way and I promise to do the work to make it the rest of the way. I'm determined." Yeah, that felt right. The tears are falling freely. They are tears of joy. She grabbed me this time and hugged me tight. Enough with words; the embrace said the rest of what needed said.

With that out of the way, Claudette says her final goodbyes and leaves Britta and I alone in her office. Britta speaks first. "Here's my number and address." I take the folded piece of paper and stuff it in the pocket of my jeans. "Your release forms will include a listing of local meeting places. Choose one and let me know. I want to be with you for at least the first few." That's a relief. "Claudette gave me all of your info. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow I'll call you, but I hope you contact me before then." Straight down to business. That's what I'm talking about!

"I will, Britta. I'm feeling positive and don't want to get off track, even just a little. I'll find a place tonight and call you in the morning." I hope.

"Look, I know you have to be excited to see Lissy, but take it slow. You may not realize how being here has offered you a feeling of safety. If you get out there and anxiety hits, or even depression, don't let it get to you. It's a thousand percent normal and expected." What?! I thought Claudette said I was ready? She must have seen the confusion on my face. "Damn, I shouldn't have said anything. I just want you to have everything you need. No one told me when I left and I felt like I was failing from the get go. It would have been nice to get a heads up. After talking to my sponsor and other addicts, I realized they all had gone through much the same." Wow, I think I need to be cautious of this confidence I feel. I don't want to lie to myself. Those days are over, only truth. No excuses! I will make myself face things instead of hiding.

I blink away the haze and finally reply, "Thank you, Britta. I do think I understand. I appreciate you saying something. If I'm going to get the most out of our partnership, I have to be ready to hear the good and the bad. Please don't ever hold back, I want to know it all. I need to know it all." The confidence in my voice is no longer feigned. Watch out world, I'm back!

That was pretty much how it went. I'm so thankful for all that I've been given to ensure my success. Claudette gave me the tools I need to be honest with myself and continue to push and realize my strength. Now Britta will be my ally. Do you see me beaming? I put the last few things in my suitcase and zip it up. Colleen knocks on the half open door and pokes her head in. "Lissy is here, hon.". Zero to a million miles an hour is my heart at this moment. It's time to start the rest of my life.

** April 9th , 2014 **

Kara

Who decided metal folding chairs were comfortable? Or maybe it's just that I'm feeling anxious. Since I was released from the hospital, I've been hyper focused on continuing my treatment with the NA meetings. At first, I'll be honest, they made me want hit my head against the wall. Thankfully, Britta was there to give me perspective.

It was my second meeting and based on how I was slumped as I walked and from the look on my face, you'd think I was headed to my execution. With my eyes down, I didn't notice Britta until she was standing in front of me. She's wearing Converse tennies... my kinda girl.

"Hey you! What's on the floor that's so interesting?" Her tone is sarcastic as ever.

I look up and smile. "Hi! It's good to see you!" I pull her into a tight hug. Over excited? Ya think?! Embarrassed, I let go and got myself in check. "Did I make this awkward? Sorry, I'm just ..." I let it hang, expecting her to say something but she doesn't. She's quiet, observing me, her green eyes probing mine. What does she see? I guess this answers my awkward question. "Just... I don't know. Shit. I sound like an idiot."

She smirks, "Kara, give yourself a break would you? It's wonderful that you're here. Now you just need to commit yourself to the process like you did in the hospital. Think back. Until you made the decision to go all in, it made you crazy. Same with these meetings. You get out what you put in." Of course she's right.

I stand up straight and say, "You're so right. Thank you! Why didn't I think of that myself?" I roll my eyes at my silliness.

"Maybe it's because you went from a structured routine to the whirlwind that is finally being back with Lissy and working on getting your job back. Hell, probably just trying to figure out how to get your life back." I swallow hard as the tears begin to creep up. Nothing like hearing something you know already but realizing for the first time. Does that make sense? She pauses while I compose myself then continues. "Let's put this on hold until after the meeting, okay?" I nod. My words are being held hostage.

She takes my hand and pulls me towards the chairs. It's already almost filled but we find two seats in the back row. I'd rather be back here, truth be told. I know, all in. I'm working on it. The meeting starts, we stand and say our prayer. The rest is a blur. A few people get up and tell their stories, share their fears and their success. I try to pay attention but find myself drifting. Britta's words are replaying in my head. I had been so committed to my therapy with Claudette. Yes, I resisted at first but it didn't take long for me to give in and get on board. What's different now? Is it Lissy, or is it the chaos that has been my life since leaving? It doesn't matter; now is now. I'm going to make the effort... for me!!

***

That was a few weeks ago. I've gone to a meeting almost every day since. With my priorities set straight, the experience has done a complete three sixty. As a matter of fact, today I'm getting up to speak. Now you know why I feel anxious. Where is Britta? I wiggle in my chair and it squeaks loud enough for the two women in front of me to turn and look. Great. I force a smile and go over what I want to say again in my head, for the zillionth time.

"Kara?" I blink away the haze and notice one of my new friends, Sharon, waving at me a few rows up. She doesn't even have to stand for me to see her. I think she has to be at least five eleven. Her wave says 'get your ass over here.' I get up and walk over.

Dark brown, almost black, eyes stare giddily into mine. "Hey Sharon, how are you?" We do the customary quick embrace and squeeze.

"I'm doing just peachy! And you?"

"Actually, I'm a little nervous. It's my day to get up and spill." She laughs softly and places her hand on my arm.

"I remember my first time. It is nerve wracking, but I was so proud of myself for doing it. All of these people let me into one of the darkest parts of their lives; the reciprocation felt invigorating. Like being welcomed into the family of sorts."

Grinning, "Thanks, really. That helps." It did. At least someone is here to help. Just as that thought ends, two hands grab my shoulders. I know without looking - Britta. I whirl around, "Bout time, slacker!" Again, the customary squeezing. Ours, a few beats longer.

"Have you gone? Or has the meeting even started yet?" Smart ass.

"Not the point. I'm melting down over here." She does a dramatic look up and down my body, then pokes my shoulder.

"Look okay to me." Bitch!

"Whatever!" She giggles and we sit down next to Sharon.

With a friend on either side, they both scoot a bit towards me. A quiet hug of encouragement. It amazes me how our addictions create such a close, unassuming bond. It's finally my turn; my legs have become leaden. "Kara, I'm right here." I look down at her as I stand up. I need Lissy!! No! You don't. Not for this. Britta's hand moves to the small of my back, gently urging. Putting my head up, I walk towards the podium.

You don't have to stand up in front; I could have stayed in my seat and spoken. May sound strange but I felt as if I might chicken out if I didn't come up here. I've always operated better by throwing myself in the deep end.

"Hello everyone." I clear my throat and force my eyes up, not really looking at anyone in particular. It's really just a blur of faces. "My name is Kara and I'm an addict." I knew what the group probably said in response, but it's just noise. I close my eyes for a few seconds and then continue. "I'm addicted to... to pain, self-destruction, numbness, avoidance, humiliation." Where is this coming from? That isn't what I planned to say. The tears are clouding my vision even more. I let them fall. I need to finish. "I crave the unknowing, the risk of exposing my deepest desires, but I fear being exposed. I fear that what they find, what I find, will be so... so terrible..." Tears now running freely, dripping onto the podium. "I'm ugly. I mean... I'll find that I'm ugly, disgusting. What if the real me is someone she'll hate?" They have no clue what I'm talking about; not sure I do. Just keep pushing. "I'm not making sense. The truth is - I'm not afraid anymore. Whoever she is, I am, I'm ready to meet her. I refuse to let my fear control me another day. I refuse to let that fear stop me from living, from... loving. Lissy is the love of my life and I almost lost her, twice." I use my sleeves to wipe my eyes. Chin up, girl! I grin and focus on Britta's face. She's crying too. Her greens warm, proud.

Shoulders back, "Not again. Not ever again. I will do what needs to be done. I will admit that I need help and get help from those who can give it. I will be strong, even when I'm feeling my lowest. I will no longer look to pain, to drugs. I will love myself no matter what I find." New tears, happy tears. Something about saying it out loud that makes it real. "Okay, wow. I have no idea what all I've just said, but I know it feels damn good!" Cheers and laughter funnel around the room. Do I say anything else? I bow my head and feel a huge smile cover my face as I make my way back to my seat.

Holy shit do I feel wonderful! Britta pulls me into her arms and holds me close. The whisper in my ear is just for me. "Welcome back, Kara." Goosebumps deluge my entire body.

Afterwards, we skip the coffee and donuts and decide on finding some real food. Outside would be nice. It's a beautiful day, and I'm not just talking about the weather. Walking arm and arm down the sidewalk to the cafe around the corner, there's most definitely a spring in my step.

The restaurant had started to fill up for lunch but there are still plenty of tables on the patio. We take one in the back for some privacy. I can't seem to get the smile off my face. After we order, I take out my phone and text Lissy. 'I love you, baby.'