Book 03: A Match Made - Ch. 01

Britta clears her throat and I look up. "Kara, you were absolutely brilliant today." I was, wasn't I? "I think everyone felt the raw emotion pouring out of your words." My lap vibrated. Yes, I have my phone between my legs. Duh.

Slanting my eyes down I read Lissy's reply: 'I'm so yours.' .I blush, of course.

"Let me guess... from Lissy?"

"Mm hmm, sorry. I just, well I just wanted to..."

"Kara, you don't need to explain. You two are adorable." I know. "It's actually what I need to talk to you about." Uh oh, that doesn't sound good. I raise my eyebrows and tentatively wait for the rest. "Everyone is different. There isn't some magic formula. What I'm getting at is it's customary at this stage of recovery to limit intimacy. As in, to keep your visits with Lissy to minimum." What?! Fuck that!! My face scrunches up and eyes narrow. "Just listen." Make it fast. "This is where the different part comes into play. After meeting Lissy, seeing you two together and all you've told me; I don't think that's necessary. In fact, I'd say your relationship is critical to your recovery." I can't say I really care why, but I am curious.

Relaxing my body, "Why do you say that? I don't want to be away from Lissy and I'm relieved you feel that way, but I guess I'd like to know more of the why."

Britta took a sip of her iced tea, contemplating her answer. "I don't have a textbook answer for you. I'm just your sponsor, but I have my own experience to draw on. Some relationships can hinder your recovery, shifting your focus to them and away from yourself." I can see that. "I don't see that in you and Lissy. She is as committed to your well being as you and has a good grasp on what that means." I don't think I know any more than I did a couple minutes ago, but I get what she means. Pretty much, anyway.

She adds one last bit before our food came, "I would have given my left pussy lip for someone like her when I was where you are." Nothing could stop the water from spraying out of my mouth and all over the table and her. Our laughter burst out, leaving the waiter lost as he tried to help clean up and serve our food. Each time we thought we had it under control, it would come back worse than before.

They say laughter is good medicine. Yeah it is!

** February 6th, 2014**

Lissy

I didn't tell Kara about my first visit to the woman I chose as my shrink. Amy Stuart is a pretty blonde, married it seems, with copies of her certification and diplomas on the wall.. She blanched when I first told her about the other one.

"That's beyond disgusting, Lissy. Have you filed a complaint with the state?" I nodded.

"I did it last October and again last month after Kara had gone into rehab." I shrugged. "I haven't heard anything yet. No one's called or written. I'll just let the process play out." She was still for a bit, taking in what I'd said, I suppose.

"We've met once. What are your goals in therapy?"

I smiled. "First would be building some kind of trust with you." We both laughed. I squirmed a little in the chair that was comfortable but not too much so. "I have a lot of guilt about how things worked out with Kara. I feel like I'm partly responsible for her falling apart so completely. I responded badly last August when she tried to tell me about what happened. And then after Shade helped rescue Kara from those morons, I left her again to go see my daughter."

"When was that?"

"Just after Christmas. Jenna and her family moved to Minnesota late last summer. She was lonesome for her family and invited me to spend some time with them. All that happened when Kara was gone." It was brutal having to go through all this again but that's what I had to do with Amy. "Kara assured me she would be okay. Besides, she would be spending the time at Shade and Destiny's condo. It seemed like it would be fine. I suppose there was no way any of us could know how much it would bother her that I'd left her again."

"I don't understand, Lissy. Left her again? Hadn't Kara given her approval of it?"

"I know! It seemed like she'd be okay. There was no real way to know she had fallen so deeply into darkness. We had some trouble connecting. It turns out she'd broken her phone and finally borrowed Destiny's." I had to move on. "We talked the night before New Years Eve. When I woke up the next morning I just knew I had to get home as soon as possible. I just had a bad feeling about how she was doing." I shifted again in the chair before looking at Amy again.

"I got home of course. When I got to the restaurant where the party was I knew right away something was wrong with Kara. It all fell apart, or at least it seemed it did, when Destiny asked me to get something to eat. She needed to find a way to let me know about Kara's condition." Amy nodded.

"I get that part. Why would that have caused a problem?"

"Kara wanted to be with me. I'd only been gone a few days, several fewer than we'd first planned. She was overjoyed that I'd surprised her by coming home early. How did I respond? I basically pushed her away... again... and spent time with Destiny." I shook my head. "That's when she took the Oxy and tried to hurt herself."

Amy was quiet for a while. It seemed she was processing what I'd told her. Have I mentioned I hate that word?

"Lissy, there's probably more I need to know about this and I'm sure you'll get into it in the weeks to come. I'm not so sure, based on what you've told me here, that you need to carry much guilt about this. My early reaction is that you may be feeling responsible for something that wasn't your responsibility."

"Oh I know that. Kara didn't understand how badly she'd fallen. I might have seen it if I'd been here. She and Destiny had become fast friends in the time they'd spent together but that wasn't over much time." I looked at my hands before saying, "I'll do my best not to hold on to too much responsibility. I promise."

There was more of course. At the end of that session Amy had asked, "Are Thursdays usually available for you?"

I had laughed. She was taken aback. "I'm sorry, Amy. I'm not laughing at your question. Thursdays are when I met with the other one. I think I'd prefer not to do that again." Amy shook her head and chuckled.

"I can't say as how I blame you one bit. Let me check my book and find another time slot that works."

That's how I wound up seeing her on Mondays at 4:30 for a not quite hour long session.

** June 14th, 2014 **

Lissy

Frustration. I'm frustrated. I'm glad I didn't pay anyone a ton of money to come to that conclusion. Anyway, that's the word I'm using to describe what's happening. I know I'm not a 'writer' but I write. It's how I process life. Not sure how I even started, except, after I did, it made me happy. I was addicted and here we are, a couple books later. I'm drifting, which is at the core of the problem. Lately, I think about what I want to write, I sit down, some words come out and then... nothing. My mind wanders and once that starts I can't seem to get back on track. No, I have no idea why. That's not true; I do have my suspicions. Part of it is Kara.

I have, or we have, been on such an emotional rollercoaster it's sometimes difficult to find which way is up. I won't bring up how our amazing life hit a wall, fell into an abyss, how we clawed our way back to each other, only to get kicked back down again. Read the first two books. I want to talk about now, today. At this moment... I'm terrified. God, I said it. I haven't even admitted that to Amy, my therapist. Hell, I don't think I've really said it to myself. I'm so fucking afraid, in fact, I expend all my energy pretending I'm okay. Kara needs me to be strong. I can fall apart later. No you can't. You're right. The fact is I'm afraid that if I keep pushing these feelings down I'll either melt down or come to the realization that I'm forcing something that's not meant to be. Don't say that! Contrary to my heart's belief, Kara and I have had more than a few clues that maybe we're not good for each other. I need a minute...

Maybe this is why I haven't been writing.

Is this how I really feel?

No, you idiot!

What the hell do you know?

Are you serious?

Yes! I mean... what if?

LISTEN TO ME!

I'm right here, you don't need to yell.

SHUT UP and LISTEN! Your 'what ifs' and 'how comes' are the reason you're in this mess. There isn't an explanation for everything. Sometimes things are just the way they are and you and Kara BELONG TOGETHER! Stop this shit, stop your whining and for god sake STOP second guessing. If you're afraid of hurting her, that's how you'll do it. So go all in or get the fuck out!

You're right... I mean, I'm right.

I know what I want to write about! It may help me process why I'm feeling afraid.

************

Let's talk about the first time I met Kara's N.A. sponsor, Britta. They were at a meeting together and Kara asked me to come to lunch with them afterwards. When I walked in the restaurant, my stomach turned over. She's pretty, closer to Kara's age and my lover was smiling at her with 'that' smile. As I approached the table, they were laughing but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

I noticed Britta's eyes lift to meet mine. She smiled; so did I. Kara turned and said, "There you are, baby." She stood and gave me a kiss. Yummy! "Britta Slade, meet the love of my life, Lissy Stone." We shook hands.

"It's very nice to meet you, Lissy. Kara speaks highly of you. You've stood by her through all of her struggles. There's no way to downplay the importance of that in her recovery." She smiled. "How are the two of you doing these days?

Kara and I took our seats as Britta was talking. It was warm enough that I didn't need a coat.

"Well, Kara started at the bank again earlier this month." Kara smiled, blushed, and hunched her shoulders. I leaned in and gave her a quick peck. "She seems at peace, works out several times a week, and she's going to meetings every day." Kara and Britta both nodded. "So overall I'd say she's doing quite well. You're her sponsor; what do you think?"

"I think that's a fair and accurate summary."

** June 16th, 2014 **

Lissy

"How did that go?" I had just described meeting Britta to Amy.

"It was fine; no biggie." She lifted an eyebrow. I shrugged. We were both silent for a minute or so.

"Was there something else?" I was quiet again as I squirmed in my chair.

"She's young like Kara and very pretty." I shook my head. "I know it's silly but I have always worried that Kara might find someone her age." I was uncomfortable and feeling very silly. Amy waited patiently. "You think I'm silly." No reaction. "It's okay if you do; Kara thinks I'm ridiculous."

"I've never met Kara, Lissy, so I don't know what she thinks or feels. You're my patient. I'm still learning about you. The two of you have been together a while. Have you always had these feelings?" I nodded.

"Pretty much, yeah. Barb Romano is about Kara's age."

"That's the woman Kara was involved with before she met you."

"Yup. Destiny is too. I've mentioned her before." Amy nodded. "The two of them call each other sisters. I guess Kara found out they're born about a year apart. Right around Christmas, just after Kara was 'rescued,' the two of them spent a lot of time together while I was at work and in Minnesota. They hit it off immediately. I've never had any thoughts of jealousy. She and Shade, her honey, are getting married later this summer. Kara and I are standing up for them."

"So why do you feel differently about this Britta?"

"Well, they spend time together most every day at their meetings. I suppose that's pretty normal, especially early in Kara's recovery. It's more a feeling I think." I better just fess up. "When I walked into the restaurant I saw Kara flash her "it" smile, the one that's usually reserved for me. I'm not proud to admit it but I was jealous."

"Is it okay for you to be jealous?" I stopped in my tracks at that.

"Um, well, I don't know exactly. Is it?"

"It's a human emotion. As such, give it its due. You're in love with Kara. Seeing her give that smile to a woman you hadn't met yet would unsettle you a bit. I'm none too happy when a pretty woman smiles seductively at my husband."

"So it's okay for me to worry about Kara and other women?" Amy smiled.

"I didn't say that. We'll get to that next time. I'm saying the feelings you felt last Saturday were legitimate. There's no reason at all to feel badly about that." All righty then.

** May 17th, 2015 **

Kara

My honey and I are spending lots and lots of time doing things we never dreamed of. Well, um, for Lissy, things she never dreamed of after raising her kids. Hmm. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure her grandkids are all that much different than Mick, except, of course, for the fact that we're responsible for him. Our kid. Get it?

So we take him to the park near the house... each of our houses to be precise. Anyways, he giggles madly when we push him sky high on the swing. He loves the slide; Lissy told me it's because he gets to do it all by himself. Okay, whatever. He digs it the mostest and that all I care about. Course my heart was in my throat when he giggled himself over the edge down near the end of the slide. But damn if the kid didn't get up, look at us, laugh, and brush himself off.

As far as shopping for clothes for the little guy, I have no clue whatsoever. I leave that to my sweetie, though I do tag along when the three of us shop. Sometimes, to be honest, Lissy goes on her own after work or after a workout. It's all good to me. I guess I'll probably get the hang of it just about the time he wants to pick out his own stuff.

It's okay though. He's been such a blessing in my life... our lives... and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

But I have to tell ya... I'm still pretty pissed off that Britta went back on that junk and let it get hold of her to the extent that she died. Not only was that a really shitty thing to do to little Mick, but it threw a gigantic monkey wrench into our lives. And let's not forget about her parents, Mick's grandparents. Losing a child, however it happens, is just about the worst thing I can imagine. If anything happened to our little guy... I have to stop talking about this. Right now!!

** July 5th, 2014 **

Lissy & Kara

July 4th fell on a Friday in 2014; we'd left the city Thursday right from work and headed out of town. Cedar Point Resort is a gigantic complex located on the lake in Sandusky, Ohio. We'd made reservations for rooms and tickets online. It's a pretty easy five hour drive, though we stopped for dinner along the way at one of the restaurants on the Indiana Toll Road.

I'd say things were pretty good for us. We still weren't living together full time but we'd started alternating for long weekends at each others home. In addition, we'd started talking again about not just living together but me (Lissy) putting my place on the market and beginning the process of looking for "our home."

The subject of Barb had come up.

"How do you feel," Kara had asked, "about me using Barb as a realtor?"

"I think the more pertinent question might be how do you feel? I ask in light of how things went down for the two of you that snowy December night." We were on the patio at the house in the fading sunlight of a warmish Saturday evening.

***

JR, Andi and Dylan had joined us for dinner. Andi had a surprise... of sorts.

"I'm pregnant, Mom." It didn't surprise me a bit. She wasn't showing yet but she had "that look."

"That's fabulous, honey," Kara said. "Do you know when you're due?"

I looked from Andi to my son, who had the cat that ate the canary look on his face. Men!

"We think the baby will be born mid-January." I got up out of my chair, walked to Andi, kissed her, walked to my son and kissed him as well.

"That's wonderful news; I'm thrilled and I'm sure you are as well. It's kind of a coincidence that Dylan and your new child will both have January birthdays and both may be middle of the month babies."

Dylan laughed and said, "Save everybody from coming twice to birthday parties." Andi's red hair flew as her head whipped around to look at her husband. "What? I'm just making an obvious observation. It's nothing negative."

Andi looked back at me, rolled her eyes and said, "Men! Honestly, Mom, what do we do with them?"

Leave it to Kara. "Well, since this is your second, I think it's pretty clear you both know just what you're doing."

***

Okay, so that bit of family news is on the record. Back to Barb and the subject of... Barb.

"Well, I had to call her and go get my clothes. But you knew that."

"Yeah, and it was icky. Carole made a stink and it turned out Barb brought the clothes to your condo."

"Whatever, baby; they're in their deal and we're in ours. Anyway, we threw the clothes on the bed and I invited her to sit and have coffee with me. I wanted to bring her up to date on all that was going on."

"Did I know you'd done that? And how did it go?"

"I don't think so actually. Anyway, it went surprisingly well I thought. Barb was pretty reserved early on; I think some of that was her and some of it came from Carole. It seems Carole is still holding on to her resentment about what happened long ago. I told Barb about New Years Eve, recovery, and what had happened since I'd gotten home. She seemed pretty shocked that I'd fallen so badly and equally surprised that I'd gone through 90 days of treatment."

"She treated you pretty badly that night. How did you approach her about that?" Blondie shook her head.

"I'm a recovering addict. Step Nine talks about making amends. Britta and I had talked about it. She was worried I was jumping the gun with Barb; that it was too soon for me. But I was firm. I wanted to make things right with her... Barb, that is. Carol too for that matter." She smiled in the dim light that remained. "You were the only one I'd made amends to at that point."

"Was it hard?"

"No, not really. I was grateful that they'd given me a place to stay after what happened. I was a pain in the ass and I know it was hard for both of them. When things got out of hand it only made things worse. Barb was pretty gracious about it all."

"Okay, so how does that factor into the decision to use her as your realtor."

"Do you still... I mean, are you okay with me using her to help sell my place?"

"I don't have anything to say in the matter. I'm not going to be there when she is. This is a business transaction between the two of you. She's your friend. You trust her... at least to sell your property. We can talk about our realtor when that time comes."

***

So that was settled. Back to our weekend getaway/

"This was your idea, lover," I said as we waited for our food. "I'd heard of Cedar Point. Have you been here before?"

"No; like you, I'd heard of it. I'd seen ads on TV as well. I don't know; we both wanted to get away. Neither of us wanted to fly and we didn't want to go too far. This seemed like fun. Why? Are you having second thoughts?"

"No, not at all." I smirked. "Mostly it's just killing time until the food comes." Blondie pouted. "Oh stop it you. It gives me an extra ten minutes to stare at the woman I love." Blue eyes looked down; Kara blushed deeply. She looked up again when the server brought our meals.

After setting everything down, she asked, "Can I get you anything else? More drinks perhaps?" We agreed to a 2nd round.

Blondie's blue never left me. I squirmed, having a feeling what was coming. Floodgates opened in anticipation.

"You are so mine tonight, baby." Kitty fumbled for her goggles. There were those little jelly things on the table. Kara reached for several of them, held them in her hand and said, "I'm going to have an early breakfast tonight."