Brain Stew

I knew Jason would be home this evening. I wasn't sure when since he often worked late but he hadn't mentioned any trips so I was confident we could enjoy and nice evening together. I had stopped on my way home to pick-up some things for dinner and found myself humming as I drove the last couple of miles.

I was surprised to see Jason's car in the driveway as I pulled up. I tried to remember the last time he beat me home and couldn't. Well, more time to relax together and reconnect.

I parked next to Jason, gathered up the groceries and headed to the front door. As I stepped into the foyer, I called out to Jason but was met with silence. Odd, I thought as I put the grocery bags on the island in the kitchen calling out his name again as I did so.

Still no response.

I headed toward our bedroom thinking that perhaps he was in the shower. His suit jacket was on the bed but Jason was not there.

I wandered down the hall to his home office, opened the door and at that moment my whole world ended!

###

Speech and physical therapy were helping immensely; just three short months since my stroke and I was able to walk and talk again.

Sure I sounded like that Diane lady on NPR but I could make myself understood, if haltingly.
John had been a constant source of strength and encouragement and helped me push my physical limits. He was unhappy though and I knew we needed to finally talk about it.

Time for me to be there for my son. To help him work through this.

"John, have you spoken with your Mother lately?"

There was a long pause.

I loved his mind and never rushed his responses as I knew they were all well considered. He wouldn't open his mouth till he knew what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. It had always driven Cathy a little crazy but I thought it was strength of character to be admired and encouraged.

"No, Dad. I haven't. She has emailed me but I haven't responded. I don't know if I can. I mean, I want to know what happened but I'm not sure I can forgive her so..."

"She's your mother, John. She loves you. Maybe if you speak with her you'll be able to find a way to have her in your life in a way you can live with. Maybe not, but avoiding it will only leave you with anger and doubt."

"There's the kettle calling the pot black. Jesus Dad what if I said that to you?"

"John, she married me. She gave birth to you. Those are vastly different animals. Besides, I'm not avoiding her. She knows where I live. For your own sake, try to resolve those issues with her. Let her know how she hurt you so at least you'll feel better. Bottling it up will only hurt YOU more."

"I don't know, Dad."

"Okay, John. Let's you and I talk about it more over lunch. Tell me what's on your mind, ask me questions, pitch a fit. Let's kick this fucking elephant out of the room!"

I let him stew for a while as I left the room to prepare lunch for us. As I mentioned, I loathed cooking so meals these days were always pretty simple but my new diet required a little work. I prepared a nice salad and sliced some apples and pears to go on the side along with some grapes and nuts.

Sometime later John wondered into the kitchen and sat opposite me at the table eying his salad suspiciously. After several moments of careful inspection of his plate he picked up a slice of pear and took a bite.

"I'm proud of you Dad. You're really sticking to this diet."

Another pause and another slow bite of his pear.

And then, just barely above a whisper, "What happened, Dad?"

I sighed. This was going to be hard but it had to happen.

"Well, I was in my home office when I suffered my stroke. Thankfully, your Mother found me unconscious shortly after it happened and called 9-1-1..." I trailed off looking out into the back yard

"I know that Dad but...she was gone before the ambulance arrived, she never went to the hospital. She never came home Dad. For fuck's sake, her husband had just suffered a stroke and she bailed on him. When you needed her the most she abandoned you Dad. What kind of a person does that?"

"John, she did the right thing at that moment. She was the last person I needed then or need now. She has never handled conflict well so her response doesn't surprise me."

"Shit Dad you having a stroke and needing medical attention is hardly a crises she should run from..."

"Conflict, John, not crisis. Your Mom couldn't handle the conflict that was coming. When she found me slumped over my desk, lying unconscious in my own vomit she knew the biggest conflict of our lives had just cut me off at the knees and was heading for her. She couldn't face that fact. She couldn't face what she had done – it nearly killed me and she couldn't face it."

"Couldn't face what Dad? What did she do that could possibly be worse than abandoning you like that."

I stared into his earnest, pleading face, sighed deeply and then...I told him.

###

I opened the door to Jason's home office and stared uncomprehendingly at the scene that greeted me.

Oh my God. Jason was slumped over his desk, lying in a pool of vomit, unconscious. I rushed over to him and noticed that thankfully he was still breathing though it seemed a little labored.

I was crying uncontrollably now, screaming at him to wake up.

"JASON!" I shook him but he refused to wake up.
I moved his head so he wasn't lying in his own mess all the while sobbing and screaming and beginning to hyperventilate.

"JASON!" I kept shaking him.

I fucking knew the stress, his smoking and drinking would be his undoing.

I was so mad at him!

"GOD DAMN YOU, JASON! WAKE UP!" I punched the back of his shoulder as I screamed and cried.

I hugged him then. "Jason, please..." then I looked up at his laptop and froze.

No, it couldn't be.

Jason. My Jason. My rock, the man I love, had collapsed watching a video of me rutting like an animal in a cheap motel room with my co-worker, Chris Peters.

I did this to him.

My head was spinning as a loud buzzing battered my ears; I stood there, frozen, watching and listening to my betrayal. My selfish, stupid betrayal.

A betrayal that looked like it nearly killed my husband.

I am not certain how long I stood there. I do know that I am more ashamed at what I did next than anything else.

Instead of dialing 9-1-1 to get help for my husband, who could quite possibly be dying, I ejected the DVD from his laptop and searched his office for any further evidence. I found the Investigators report from a Mr. Sellers and took both the report and DVD out of the room as I hurried down the hall.

I ran into our bedroom and hurriedly packed a suitcase, tossing in the DVD and PI's report. After taking the suitcase downstairs and
putting it in the trunk of my car, I went into the kitchen and retrieved the bags of groceries and put those in my car. I can't explain why.

I returned to the house and poured myself a drink to calm my nerves. Only when I finished the drink did I finally call 9-1-1 to seek help for my husband.

Who does that?!

I gave them my name and address, answered a few questions about his condition, then disconnected the call, rushed out to my car leaving the front door wide open and drove away.

I couldn't face this.

###

When I first arrived home from the hospital after my stroke it was clear that Cathy had been in and taken her things. It looked like she has spent a considerable amount of time going through everything; taking pictures, DVD's, Cd's, art, kitchen utensils, her cookbooks etc. Even some of the furniture was gone.

It was clear she had moved out.

John was apoplectic. I was indifferent.

John wanted to wring her neck. I wanted to lie down.

Over the next several months, as I went through the agony and humiliation of physical and speech therapy, I reflected on what had brought me, us here.

I hadn't heard from Cathy. John and I never talked about her and I didn't know if he was in touch with her or not. I hoped so for his sake but beyond that I didn't really care.

I found that unlike what people say, you absolutely can simply stop loving someone. Well, to be more accurate, I knew without reservation and immediately, that I was not in love with the woman I was currently married to. I still loved the woman I married 25 years ago but she went away and what took her place was someone I didn't know.

I didn't hate her; how could I? I didn't even know her. No, I was simply and utterly indifferent toward her. She was simply John's mother.

I was glad she didn't hang around afterward, that her inability to face conflict, or the consequences of her actions made her flee. It would have been tough otherwise. I mean who wants to have to deal with a complete stranger while they are recuperating from a major medical issue? Certainly not me. No, this was for the best.

I hadn't decided when I was going to deal with my marriage yet. When Mr. Sellers first contacted me to tell me that she was indeed cheating on me I had taken appropriate steps, certain in my course of action and the necessity of acting immediately. I had already contacted an attorney who coached me on the appropriate actions required and or allowed prior to filing and I had begun that process.

I requested Mr. Sellers send copies of his report, DVD's etc. to my attorney, began separating out our finances as much as I quickly could and had started to have Cathy removed as my beneficiary on everything I could think of.

In the meantime my attorney was preparing the necessary paperwork to begin divorce proceedings.

Of course, it all fell to shit before the papers were filed and Cathy was served. I met with Sellers, picked up my copy of his report and the attendant photos and DVD's and went home to review it all. Knowing your wife is cheating and seeing your wife cheat has significantly different repercussions to your well-being.

We all know children die in war zones and that deeply affects us. But seeing children die in a war zone will have a vastly different impact – few people survive that intact.

Seeing Cathy's betrayal nearly killed me and left me...diminished.

Yes, I would divorce Cathy. Of that I was certain.

Reconciliation seemed absolutely ridiculous.

I mean no one would ever consciously decide to marry someone they KNOW will cheat on them? So why stay married to the same? The only thing I KNEW about this Cathy was that she was a cheat and a coward. Oh, and John's mother. Beyond that she was a complete stranger. Nope, I was not going to DECIDE to grow old with a cheating coward.

Divorce was my only option but at the moment I had bigger fish to fry. I had to get well and I had to decide what I was going to do for me moving forward.

I still had some physical progress to make and I had to determine if I was going to return to my stress-filled corporate life or choose another direction.

I had hoped to work another 4 or 5 years and then retire; perhaps I could afford to retire now albeit in a little less comfort than I had hoped. Perhaps I could start a new career or redefine my position at my company to reduce my stress and travel.

I still didn't know. I was eating better and had quit smoking and drinking, though the doctor told me a glass or two every now and again would be fine if and when I was able to come off my current medications. I didn't miss drinking or smoking. A near death experience will do that for you. My physical therapy was good exercise and I was also walking quite a bit now too.

No, the only thing I knew for certain was that I would not allow Cathy's infidelity to define or destroy me. Instead I determined that I would use it and its aftermath as the motivation I needed to get healthy and be happy.

###

It has been three years since that day; the day I found my husband Jason near death because of my selfish stupidity.

I have not spoken to either Jason or John since then. John refuses to speak with me and I am too ashamed to try to contact Jason.

He eventually filed for divorce and had me served at work. I didn't fight the divorce and we mostly split things evenly, if a little in Jason's favor. What did I care really?

Jason eventually threatened the organization I worked for with very bad publicity if they didn't take certain actions. There was a prolonged negotiation and eventually Chris Peters was fired and the Executive Director, my boss, was reprimanded. My career with them stalled.

During that process it was discovered that is was Chris that alerted Jason to our affair.

Chris and his wife had an open marriage that had caused them to drift apart over the years.

He and I used to joke that we were work spouses; he was my work husband and I was his work wife. I never considered this little game dangerous and failed to maintain the appropriate boundaries. Shortly after our physical affair began, my boss caught us together in my office and we were officially reprimanded.

In a subsequent email to me she indicated that inter-office romances, particularly between married staff was strictly against our code of ethics and as my boss she was required to reprimand us and counsel us to stop our affair; as my friend, while she didn't understand why I would want to cheat on Jason with Chris she understood the allure of an affair and if I wanted to continue please keep it out of the office.

And so we did. It should have been enough to jolt me back to my senses but it wasn't.

I didn't love Chris but I did like him - the thing I really liked was the sex. He wasn't better than Jason just smaller.

Yes, smaller.

Ever since John was born sex with Jason involves a certain amount of pain. He isn't porn star big, maybe the high end of average. If I had to guess, I'd say maybe 7 inches long and 5 inches around. Chris on the other hand was really quite small and thin which meant for the first time in years, I could experience sex without any pain.

And that was the end for me.

Chris began to fall in love with me and often talked about leaving our spouses to be together. I shut that down immediately; I would never leave Jason. I loved him. I told Chris that while I was very fond of him, I didn't love him. I really tried not to mention that what I really liked was his small penis but he pressed me to the point I finally confessed.

He was not happy, not happy at all and so he hoped exposing me to Jason would result in my divorce and hurt me a little for insulting his manhood. He mailed copies of our reprimand and the email my boss sent me to Jason. That led Jason to hiring a private investigator and well, here we are.

Of course after I found Jason near death and fled I couldn't bring myself to continue my affair with Chris and when I found out that he had exposed our affair to Jason, I slapped him hard and have not spoken to him since.

I have tried to reconnect with my son, John but he refuses to have anything to do with me. He was married about 4 months ago and I was devastated to discover that only after the fact. Not only did he not invite me, he didn't even tell me!

I know my abandoning Jason really hurt John. I think if it was just the infidelity he and I would still have a relationship. It would have been strained and certainly not as close as it once had been but we would nonetheless be on speaking terms. Abandoning Jason meant there was no forgiveness for me from John. I knew he would never be able to get past that and that is my greatest regret.

Sure, I wish I hadn't cheated and I really dodged a bullet when Jason lived. I still can't believe I waited all that time to call 9-11! I still have sleepless nights when I think about that!

No, my inability to face what I had done and what that had done to Jason was the death of my relationship with my son.

Jason, probably expected no less. He knew me well. As well as I knew him. I knew that my infidelity would end our marriage. I knew Jason would not, could not tolerate it. Oh, he's not an ass; if it had been a drunken one night stand, he would probably have gotten over it. It would have seriously damaged his faith and trust in me but it would not have killed our marriage. But a 14 month long affair? No, there was no coming back from that. Jason knew it, I knew it. We were done.

And not only had I killed our marriage, those same actions also almost killed the man I loved. If that wasn't enough, my delay in calling 9-1-1 could have finished the job my infidelity hadn't quite accomplished.

There was simply no way for me to face Jason after that and I never tried.

I keep tabs on him. Well, as well as I can. He seems to have mostly recovered from his stroke (thank you God!) and quit his job.

Apparently after he sold our house he bought an RV and spends his time traveling between State and National parks working as a sort of park ambassador in exchange for a little cash and housing (a spot and hook-up for his RV).
I guess he's finally quit smoking and drinking, his stressful job is gone and he's traveling the country experiencing all of the great outdoors this country has to offer.

God, I wish I were with him.

I am happy for Jason. I miss him and my son John terribly. I still hold out hope that John and I will one day reconnect but I pray Jason never has to see me again.

I owe him at least that.