tagHumor & SatireBrand New Girlfriend

Brand New Girlfriend


Author's note:

After my last story I wanted something a bit lighter. This is based on Steve Holy's great song. Words and music copyrighted by Shane Minor, Bart Allmand and Jefferey Steele.

A bit of fluff - best read with tongue firmly in cheek!

Thanks to techsan for his timely edits.

This story is a special request from my sister.


"She said, "I need some time to find myself,
I need a little space to think."

Candy, my girlfriend of the last two years, had just put a twist in my world I neither wanted nor needed. I looked down at my glass of bourbon - looking for answers. Maybe it worked like tea leaves: I stirred the ice with my finger watching the swirls with rapt fascination, looking for answers. Hell, I thought, as I walked over to the bar wondering if more whiskey would give better swirls, even one answer would be great.

I'd been sitting in my den, half watching the Broncos trying to make a comeback. What I was really thinking about was the appointment with the jeweler this afternoon. I was ready to pop the question to Candy and I knew - I mean I really knew - she was ready to settle down with me. Shows how much I knew.

"I need some time to find myself."

Damn, an interception!

"Joe! Did you hear me?"

"I'm sorry honey. Did you see that runback? What was it you wanted?"

"I really need some time for myself."

"Well, that's fine honey. We don't have to go to my folks this weekend."

"Joe, you aren't listening to me - I need some space."

"Candy, things are a bit tight right now but maybe after the first of the year we can remodel the baseme ... "

"Dammit, Joe! Listen to me. I need lots of time. I need lots of space ... personal space. Is that clear enough for you? I don't even have enough space to think!"

"Well, Honey, I guess I'm a little slow. Just what did you have in mind?"

"Maybe we should start seeing other people.
Baby, things are moving way too fast for me."

"Well, Joe, things are just moving too fast for me."

"Geez, Candy. We've been living together for two years. Just how slow do you want to go?"

"Joe, baby, it's not just the speed. I think, well, maybe we should start seeing others."

Wow, look at that sack! I bet the quarterback thinks he has three fullbacks on the next play.

"Ummm, what did you say honey?"

"Joe, dammit. Pay attention. I said maybe we should see other people."

"Candy, we see people all the time. We just had Steve and Ellie over for dinner a couple months ago."

"Joe, you fool! We should start dating."

"But, honeybun, we have been dating for three years now."

"Damn you, Joe, listen to me. I mean we should date other people."

"But, baby, I don't want to date anyone but you."

Whining a little now, she went on, "Well, I do. I want to date someone else."

"You mean, like, you want to date other guys?"

"There is a God! You are finally listening."

The QB must have picked the right fullback - he was sure running lickety-split for the end zone.


"Joe, I've got a date tonight and it's not with you. Now get the hell out of here so I can get ready."

Now if this fool can make the extra point I can win twenty bucks.

"Say what?"


I picked up the shattered pieces of my pride and walked down to the corner bar. I got my beer just in time to see the Seahawk guy take the kickoff on the fly and squirt 81 yards as time ran out. Guess it wasn't my day.

I wasn't too sure what Candy was up to but she sure seemed set on doing it. I was proud of myself - I was taking the high road and giving Candy a little space. She was probably just confused ... maybe it was some female problem.

I went outside to get some fresh air and say goodbye to my twenty bucks. I was thinking I was doing the right thing with Candy. You know, doing what any gentleman would do.

I, um ...

Was that Candy that just flew by in that yellow 'Vette?

I, um ...

"Joey, is that you?"

A bundle of curves was flying at me and it was catch her or fall down. I caught her.

I, um ...

It was Dora, my Latin lover that had moved to the coast three years ago to make commercials. Actually, now that I thought about it, Candy was my second choice.

I, um ...

"Baby, it's so good to see you. I'm back in town visiting my mom. Come on over. She goes to bed at nine and we can make up for lost time. I'm never letting you out of my sight again!"

I, um ...

"I got a brand new girlfriend!"
We went and jumped off the deep end"

Oh, hell! I've got a brand new girlfriend! She was hotter than I remembered. I sure didn't see how her mom could sleep with all the noise we were making.

The next day we headed out to L. A. for the weekend to see if I liked it. I liked it a lot.

Spent the whole day, lyin' on the beach,
wearin' nothin' but a smile.

She knew of this nude beach that was wild. At least she said it was. What she was wearing - nothing! - kept me so engrossed I didn't get a chance to look around. We did all the stuff you do on a nude beach, like playing kissy-kissy and smoochy-smoochy all day long.

On the plane going back that Sunday night I had to think I was on to something. Man, I felt like a kid again. I did spend a few minutes thinking about Candy ... or was it Candie. Who cares? I've got a brand new girlfriend.

The flight back was a redeye so I got to the house just as Candy was waking up for work.

"Whereinthehell were you all weekend. I wanted to go out to dinner Saturday night."

"Well, Candy, why didn't you go with that flash guy with the ugly yellow Corvette?"

"Oh, baby, he's nothing to me. He was just a date, you know that you're my man."

"Well, actually I don't know that. You wanted some space so I gave you some."

"But, Joe. You can go on a date too."

"Well, actually I did, Candy. I went out to L. A. for the weekend."

"But, baby ... "

"You'll never guess who I ran into right after I saw you running around in the 'Vette."

"Who, baby?"

"Remember Dora?"

"Oh, no! Not Dora."

"Oh, yeah, Candy, and you know what else?"

"What, Baby?"

"Well, Candy, you wanted some space. You wanted some time. You wanted to date. You can have all the space and time you want and date anyone you want to - even someone that would buy a yellow car."

"What are you saying, baby?"

"The way it is, Candy, I've got a brand new girlfriend - even if she is recycled - and I'm moving out to the coast to live with her."

"But, baby ... "

"Oh, you can have the house."

"But, baby ... "

"Goodbye, Candy. Do you know I almost brought you a ring Friday? Isn't that funny?"

"But, baby ... "

Candy wailing "But, Baby" over and over again was the last I ever heard from her.


"I love it when she calls me butter cup,
laughs and says I left the toilet seat up."

I don't know how long it's going to last. We go out to that nude beach on weekends and she likes to write our names in the sand.

I'd come home from my new job as a driver for a limo company that caters to the stars and she'd pop a beer for me and tell me my buddies were always welcome. When I'd get hungry she'd take me out to some fancy restaurant and introduce me to famous movie stars she knew - she was way past commercials now.

She seems to be making plans for a wedding so I guess she'll be sticking around. Damn, she hasn't even said she loves me yet!

I did get a Christmas card from Candy. I didn't even open it, I just wrote:

Return to sender - this guy has a brand new girlfriend!

I feel like a kid again!

Author's note: A bit of fun - you'll get more out of it if you know the song.

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by Anonymous

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by Anonymous11/20/17

Hard to follow, good start but.......

Hard to follow, good start but lost me 1/2 way through!

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by SomeOneTwoThree07/11/17

Lots of fun.

I love the song!
The music video is fun too.
I really like how the lyric is
put into a story here!
It will take some time to vipe
the grin off my face.
Top rating from me.

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