Brash and the Schrodinger Snare Ch. 10

With that, the music switched.

And on came Freddy Mercury.

Brash!

Brash sprang up. His gravity-blades slammed into the side of Brunt the Beholder, sinking into flesh and giving him purchase.

Ahaaaaaaah! Savior of the Universe!

Brash swung himself onto the top of the Beholder, who started to rock and roar, shaking himself from side to side. But Brash had gotten onto his back and had grabbed the two eye-stalks that had been hurt. Gore spurted onto his hand but he kept his grip tight, not letting the eyeless stalk go. Then he shoved forward, pushing on the stalks like he was gripping the controls of a starfighter. He kicked his feet into Brunt's back and Brunt roared in fury and pain and shot forward, trying to shake Brash off.

Brash! Ahaaah! He'll save every one of us!

Brunt shot out in the open air, straight towards Cheesehole's open maw.

Brash! Ahaaaah! He's a miracle!

Cheesehole swung one of his massive, clawed fingers. Brash felt a paralyzing roar of fear shoot through his whole body - but he forced it down. He only had ears for Queen right now. And with Queen and Freddy Mercury...one can do anything. He grinned and yanked back hard. The beholder veered upwards, skimmed along the snout of Cheesehole, and shot straight towards the rectangular hole in the center of the Lord of Pain's forehead.

Brash! Ahaaaaah! King of the Impossible!

Brunt tried to scrape Brash off using the corner of the rectangular hole. Brash kinda wanted to do that, so he simply kicked off the beholder. The force of his legs and the impact of Brunt against the edge of the primordial evil's forehead-hole sent Brunt spinning into the air. He roared in fury. Then Cheesehole slammed his palm against the wall - squishing Brunt like a big, ugly grape made entirely out of eyeballs. Then his dripping, blood smeared hand reached for Brash.

But Brash was already sprinting deep into the brain of the Lord of Fear.

***

Brash ran, his feet sinking deeper and deeper into a bony-red goop that was just the grossest thing ever. Like, imagine if someone had put a gallon of blood and a chunk of bone into a magical blender that made things grosser, and that was basically what I was walking through. I surged forward, my thighs sinking deeper into the goop, and blinked, feeling a jarring shunt in my brains. It was a bit like when someone flicks your brain and your entire perception of reality shifts around.

Oh!

First person again! Whoa!

"I am Brash!" I said, then snickered. "Right! Right!" I looked around, trying to figure out exactly where I was. Beyond being in the brain of Cheesehole. And, well...where I was was a dark circular room with thigh high brain-blood goop, and in the center of the room was a small dais. The dais had a chair on it. An empty chair. My brain furrowed and my brow started to ask questions like: Who puts chairs in the ancient embodiment of pain and terror? Pff, silly people. It's not even a comfortable chair.

Then a think came to me.

You put chairs for sitting.

I sighed, then walked over towards the dais. Well, sloshed. "I guess this place is all empty and there isn't AHAH!" I leaped up and landed on the edge of the dais, peeking over top of the chair. There was a scrawny, skinny looking greenish-black thing with wide, wide eyes. It was crouched low, shivering and nervous. As he looked at me, I grinned fiercely. "Cheesehole, I presume?"

"I am fear! I am terror-" he squeaked, even as his knees trembled.

"Blah blah, obvious metaphor about fear," I said, reaching over and grabbing him by the scruff of his bony neck. Then I turned and slosh-stomped through the bone-blood goop. Once I was out of the hole, I found that the Cheesehole had become just a wall again. Gone was the gripping hands. Gone was the protruding face. He was trapped. The demons were still there, and they were still punching each others faces.

"Hey, Cheesehole!" I said, cheerfully. "Are you scared?"

"N-N-N-" He started.

I made as if to throw him to the demons. He squalled and jerked his legs up, covering his face with his hands. I sighed, then tugged him back. "I'm not gonna throw you. I don't kill anyone if I can help it." I grinned. "So, firstly, bring all those demons I killed back to life."

"W-What?" he asked, blinking at me.

"Doooooo it!" I shook him. "This is your realm! You can do whatever the flip!"

The demons flared with light and their bits flew back together. I felt a bunch of Paragon points filling my soul. Yummy yummy Paragon points. My alignment meter was blue as a blue dragon's balls after joining a monastery. One of the un-fun monasteries without indiscriminate nunfuckery. I smiled, then looked at Cheesehole.

"Next, promise Trilbs over there that you'll never try to break out of your dimension again."

"I-I-I promise!" Cheesehole squeaked.

"Okay, I think that's everything. Send us home," I said, nodding.

"Wa-" Lady Darkeye started. She was cut off by Cheesehole snapping his finger as hard as he could. A bright flash filled my vision. When it had cleared, I was once more in the tube. It slowly rotated around and opened up, to reveal Lady Darkeye sprawled in the throne of her shuttle. She glared at me, her hair draped over her chest and cascading along the overly large, sphere shaped command throne.

I leaped up, pumping my fist into the air. "Woooooo! Go Brash! Go Brash!"

"You asshole," Lady Darkeye snarled.

"What?" I asked.

Which was when the thermite finished cutting through the door and about fifty UNN marines came tumbling in with taser guns and shock-nets. Lady Darkeye threw up her hands and yelped as the marines swung their guns around, aiming at everything, looking around for bads. I waved at them.

"Sup!" I said, cheerfully. "Which ship are we on?"

"The Von Braun," the leader of the marines said, taking off their helmet with a click. "Mr. Miles, you're okay."

"Totally fruity!" I said, cheerfully. "And ready to get my harem de-stoned and into a big old post mission, defeated bad guy celebration orgy!"

The marines glanced at one another.

"Uh, Mr. Miles," the leader of the marines said, gruffly. "You're forgetting something."

"Pff, like what?" I asked.

***

Captain Ryan of the UNN Von Braun and Dr. Polito and me all stood on the bridge of the Von Braun and looked out the window through realspace. Thin wisps of white light were flicking past the windows - tiny bits of particulate matter floating in the vastness of space, streaking by as we sailed through space at a few million miles an hour. At the very edge of my ability to peep, I could see two tiny gleams of orange light.

"So," I said. "The Beast infected the Beholder Doomship, then infected the Rickenbacker."

"Correct," Captain Ryan said.

"And now they're slowly gaining on us as we desperately run away," I said.

"Correct," Captain Ryan said.

"And the only way we're going to survive if every single fleet you sent to for reinforcements arrives at the rendezvous point before the Beast catches up with us. And even then, it's going to be the most desperate space battle in the galaxy to try and smash the Beast before it starts to spread at a geometric rate to consume the galaxy!" I said, nodding.

"Correct," Captain Ryan said.

I cocked my head, thinking. "So, um, how long until the Beast catches up with us?"

"Twenty four hours," Dr. Polito said.

"Okay!" I said, cheerfully. "So, in twenty four hours, I'll be ready to punch face and fight the Beast. Just tell me where to go and what snoot to boot!" I made finger-guns at the two girls. Captain Ryan looked less than pleased. She looked at Dr. Polito.

"Can you crack the control programs suppressing Brash's programming?" she asked. "And maybe work on some counter-spells?"

"If I had a week," Dr. Polito said.

"You have twelve hours," Captain Ryan said.

"By gods, woman!" I exclaimed. "Twelve hours!? Are you a madman! She's a doctor, not a bricklayer!" I flung my arms up. Dr. Polito narrowed her already narrow face at me. You may ask how someone narrows their face. It involves lots of eye narrowing and forehead scrunching and lips pursing. Seeing her expression, I grinned. "I'm helping! When a captain asks you to do something super fast, you need to be all like, extravagantly Scottish!"

Dr. Polito reached into her pocket, then pulled out a thin vial of greenish goop. "This is some de-petrification goop."

"Vrooom!" I turned and ran off.

***

I rubbed my chin, thinking. On the one hand, I should de-petrify everyone at once, right? But on the other hand, if I de-petrify everyone, then I'd need to deal with G282, since she'd be unpetrified and able to yell at me. Then I realized that G282 was not only not petrified, she was also stepping into my quarters. The Von Braun had tiny rooms, and so that meant that this place was basically a bed and a bunch of statues of pretty girls and me and a golden golem built to handle etiquette and protocol. G282 scowled at me, thrusting her finger at me like a dragon killing weapon.

"You were supposed to keep her safe!" she hissed.

"I did!" I exclaimed.

"She ignored my orders, strapped her ship to the back of a destroyer, then flew her ship through the window of a bridge into a beholder!" G282 exclaimed. "And then got PETRIFIED!"

"Yes, but she's not dead!" I said, cheerfully.

"Petrification is explicitly covered under the umbrella of DEAD!" G282 shouted, throwing up her arms.

"It is?" I asked, then cocked my head, accessing my head computer. "Well, that's presumptive." Then I quickly jerked my vial of greenish goop at Kira. It hit her in the face, sank into the stony skin, and shimmered faintly. A moment later, she was de-stoned, and instead standing in the room in the same position she had been on Lord Darkeye's ship. She sagged, blinked, looked around, then flung her arms around me. She squeezed me tightly.

"Brash!" she said.

"Ahem!" G282 coughed. "Princess-"

"Oh STOP!" Kira shouted, pushing me away. Suddenly, she was furious. "I don't give a flying flip what my father wants or any future betrothals or what's right and proper! I want to hug my friend because I'm glad we're alive, it's NOT like I'm going fuck him again right here!"

G282 gaped at the princess. Then her eyes narrowed. "Wait, again?"

"She didn't say again!" I said, quickly. "She said...again." I narrowed my eyes. "I was trying to think of a word that sounds like again but isn't it, and couldn't think of one."

G282 was literally steaming with fury. Her hands clenched and she spluttered. The internal gears of her brains were clicking and creaking. I looked at Kira. Kira looked at me, her cheeks flushing. Then I exclaimed.

"G282, this is okay!" I said, quickly. "What does Kira's betrothal need to be? Prosperous for the Diamond Asteroids. So, what if I can tell you that she can get something way more useful to the DA than a huge dowry or even an alliance and it's predicated on me tapping her cute rumpus for all its worth."

G282 closed her mouth. The grinding sound faded and she nodded, curtly. There was a definitely unspoken thing hanging in the air: This better be fucking good. Except G282 wouldn't use the F-word. She'd use some other vocabulary thing. She was a protocol golem, after all. I crossed my arms over my chest, thinking furiously. Since, uh, I didn't actually have an idea. I just wanted a chance to snuggle Kira's cute butt again.

Make a porno movie?

Brash the Dragon and the Dwarven Princess did have a nice ring to it! And I bet we'd get turbo much views on all the fun porn sites! But that wouldn't make nearly as much moolah as, like, a princessly dowry. Okay, scratch that.

Oh! We could...um...make a porno movie with G282 too!

No, Brash, that wasn't going to work. No matter how much I wanted to, this wasn't going to be solved with porn.

"Well?" G282 snarled. "What exactly could possibly be worth threatening the legitimacy of the next heir to the Diamond Asteroids?"

"That's it!" I exclaimed. "I can give her an egg!"

Kira and G282 blinked.

"What?" G282 asked.

"What?" Kira asked.

"Think about it!" I said. "I'm the best dragon ever. Genetic engineering, cybernetics, awesome as a possum combined with a raccoon. Like, five different kinds of cool. So, I can make an egg with Kira!" I leaned over and bumped her cheek with my nose. "And that way, she'll have an heir that's 100% totally hers. I won't stick around to boss her around or try and run things, and she won't need to pay off a big dowry or nothing!" I nodded. "Or however it is dowries work. And the heir, once it hatches, will be crazy powerful and awesome!"

Kira's cheeks had turned ruby red and sun hot. She ducked herself forward, stammering. "T-That's...uh...that's really sudden."

G282, though, was considering. "Hm, if you are unwed, then any heir you sire with a concubine would be eligible for the throne. It isn't usually handled that way with princesses, but that's because proper dwarven women don't have the same sex drive as dwarven men."

Kira looked at me to catch my eyes. Then she rolled those eyes as hard as she could. My brow furrowed slightly. What could she possibly be trying to signal to me? I cocked my head. She mouthed the words 'total bullshit.' What could she mean!? But before I could puzzle it out, G282 nodded and reached out with one hand to hook on one of the folding up chairs that were mounted against the walls of most rooms in the Von Braun. With a yank, the chair was unfolded and locked into position. G282 sat on it, putting her hands on her hips.

"Well," she said. "Get to it, then."

I blinked. "Get to...making an egg?"

Kira squeaked. "W-What!?" She looked at me, then at Kira, then at me again. "I...I don't know, Brash. I don't know if I'm ready to be a Mom."

"Well, I mean, it'll take fifty years for my egg to be ready to hatch," I said, cheerfully.

"Oh!" Kira said, then threw herself into my arms. Her breasts mashed against my legs and her legs wrapped around my thighs. Her shorter stature meant that I was able to hold her whole body against me and kiss her so hard that she wouldn't be able to walk for a week. My tongue thrust into her mouth and my hands explored her back, finding her ass. The last time I had slept with Kira, I had been tricked by her exceptional cleverness into thinking that she was actually a shapeshifted Alex. So, it was kind of nice to explore her now that I knew it was a dwarven princess I was groping up. Somehow, knowing she was a Princess set all of my draconian instincts from a comfortable 8 out of Brash to full Brash. I squeezed her ass and kissed her harder and deeper and Kira moaned into my mouth with a throaty, eager noise. I drew my lips back, just enough to start tugging her shirt up and over her head. She kept her ankles hooked over one another and started to buck her hips slightly, grinding her eager sex against my belly muscles. I could feel her heat through her shorts, and it was driving me absolutely wild.

But man...

In the firm light of the Von Braun's stateroom, the difference between a dwarf's breasts and a vampire's was quite remarkable. Alex, basically, was perkier and tighter. But Kira's breasts were larger and seemed bigger still thanks to her being shorter and more stocky. End result? I had to get my mouth around one of her nipples. I kissed and sucked on her nipple as my other hand caressed her back, holding her to me. But her legs and her arms did a great job of keeping her fine self rooted to me - her arms were wrapped around my neck, pushing my head to her breast as she arched her back to give me better suckling.

"Oh Brash..." she moaned.

"Ahem!" G282 said. "Less playing and more practicality."

I drew back. "Making an egg requires at least five orgasms in my partner."

"It does not," G282 said, frowning.

"Gee!" Kira snapped, her voice edged with real anger. "Shut the fuuuuck!" She groaned, her eyes closing. Because I had just gone back to sucking on her nipple, lathering up her breast liberally with my tongue as my free hand crooked around to rub at the joining of her thighs through her short. G282 frowned, but subsided as I finally gave up on the awkwardness of trying to kiss, caress and strip a girl all while she was wrapped up against me. I grabbed Kira's legs, tugged her off me, then set her down on the bed. It was hard and grumpy for a mattress, so I quickly rolled myself around.

Kira straddled my belly, looking down at me, her glistening breasts heaving as she panted heavily. "Brash..." she whispered.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Fill me up..." she crooned, hooking her thumbs on her shorts. She started to skim them down past her curvy hips. I licked my lips, watching as her completely hairless pussy was exposed - glistening and hot and oh so fuckable.

"Now, I just need to shapeshift to be fe..." I stopped.

"What?" G282 and Kira asked.

"...ertile!" I said. "Done! Super fertile!"

Kira narrowed her eyes. Then, slowly, she smiled at me. "Good."

"Mr. Miles."

I jerked up so fast that I slammed my head into the extremely maliciously placed pipe that seemed to exist entirely to smash poor United Nations Navy personal in the face brains. I rubbed my forehead, whimpering slightly. "Yes, Dr. Polito?" I asked, looking around at the room. Her voice had come from the ship's communicators built onto the walls.

"You might as well call me a bricklayer, because I have sussed out the administrator password used by Dr. Palladium," she said, her voice dry. "I can activate your powers now."

"Swaaaaaaaag!" I said. "You can hack computers?"

"I have hidden depths," she said, dryly. "Hit the accept button and the program will upload."

I picked up Kira and set her down. "Sorry, K-dawg!" I said.

"Don't call me that," Kira said, snickering.

I leaned over and tapped the accept button, which provoked an angry frown from G282. "So, you couldn't shapeshift before? So, you were going to just bang the princess without-"

The program hit my brain. A few seconds later, my brain exploded. Okay, they didn't actually explode. They did boil a little, though. I clutched my head, gritting my teeth as a bunch of pressure pressed against my head and a throbbing ouchache hit my entire of my all of me. I trembled and felt, faintly, Kira shaking me, crying out. "Brash! Brash!" but then I blinked away tears and saw Kira and G282 leaning over me, looking nervous.

"Ow..." I groaned. "Wait...wait!"

I saw a glittering HUD. It showed a diagnostic as my braincase started to get used to being unlocked. Then, slowly, a series of dots started to line up. Green text blooped across the screen.

• Flight Systems: ONLINE

• Regeneration: ONLINE

• Mega-Strength [5]: ONLINE

• Mega-Dexterity [5]: ONLINE

• Shapeshifting [5]: ONLINE

• ISP: 1190/1190

• PPE: 2590/2590

• Spell Slots: 0/52 Memorized

I thrust my arms up and over my head. "Yessssssssssss!"

"G282!" Kira exclaimed. "Go, go, uh, get a bunch of metals and radioactive material! Brash can eat it and get his weaponry back!" She nodded and G282 nodded, then stood and ran off. As she ran off, I cricked my neck, cracked my knuckles, then smirked. I could feel my every cell tingling and buzzing with eagerness. I could do anything I wanted. I felt an almost paralyzing grip of choice. Like, have you ever been at a full fridge and been thinking about how could make a sammitch or some turkey leftovers or maybe throw together some mac and cheese and then before you know it, it's five in the morning and you've fallen to your knees before the fridge, screaming: WHAT DO I EAT!? It's like that, but for shapeshifting. So, I decided to fob off the choice!