Brash and the Schrodinger Snare

So, I put on the most romantic song ever: I Love My Computer by Bad Religion.

"I love my Computer!" I sang, weaving past two huge trucks carrying rocket components to the San Francisco space port. "She's always in the mood!"

***

With a smell of burning rubber and a hiss of wheel on brake on streets, I skidded past Princeton Prep's front gates, onto the lawn, past the trees and through the rose bushes before finally plowing into the hedges that ringed the building. I grinned as I kicked my way out of the scramble of green and twigs. "Hah! Perfect landing!"

"Mr. Miles, I see you are late. Again."

I flinched, then hopped off my bike and turned to face Principal Celeste. She was one of the first elven immigrants who had come to the Bay Area, and she still managed to look like she didn't quite fit in. I wasn't sure if it was the chalk white skin or the fifteen feet of shimmering, nebula colored hair made of arcane energy that flowed from her scalp to the ground and then to the space behind her. Being a Star Elf, this was normal for her. Being a principal for a human style high school, this was very odd and no matter how normal her clothing was, that didn't make it more normal. Actually, it kinda made it more weirder-er. Weirdester? Weirdification was occurring!

"I was having this super weird dream!" I said. "Like, there was this guy with this super posh accent and a mansion and he was wearing a fedora!"

"Ahem," Principal Celeste said, coughing ominously.

"R-Right." I blushed. "It was a trilby."

"Detention!"

I slouched into my first class - math - grumbling to myself. I sat down in the only open chair and screamed as I realized I was sitting right next to Cindi Fong. She had been scribbling a few notes on her grid paper, frowning slightly, and my scream made her leap almost out of her chair. Cindi Fong was blond. Well, not actually, since I could see the black roots. But she had dyed her hair blond, which was super brave. She was also a cheerleader, which made her even more brave, since humans were super fragile, but she still got tossed around in the air! And not even for money! She just did it to help the sportsballs players!

That bravery was why Cindi was the prettiest girl in school.

...also, her boobs.

And her butt.

Like, um, she had the cutest butt ever. And it was usually visible, cause the school uniform was this weird paradox. It was designed to not distract boys, apparently, but it also included skirts? And skirts were basically the fastest way to induce buttology into your eyeball peppers? I didn't get Earth sometimes. But I did like skirts. And I did like Cindi. She was super brave, and pretty, and she didn't freak out because I was a cybernetic genetically engineered draconic superweapon who had kinda sorta saved the world a little bit. I mean, if any old human had been in the same position I'd have been in, he or she or they would have done the same thing! Humans were cool and brave like that!

But they did sometimes did dumb things like forget how neato they were and get all like 'oooh!' and 'awwwha!' at you. I remembered all those weird people who had wanted to worship me and Lisa had sent them all kicking by shouting at them and waving her fist. Lisa was kinda short and super muscly and she had the meanest glare ever. Like, she had never gotten a chance to glare at the Chromatic Emperor, but if she had, he'd have scrapped the whole 'destroy humanity' thing and gone home and hidden underneath a chair.

"Hey Brash," Cindi said, shaking her head. "You startled me."

I squeaked like a modem.

Cindi made a slow furrowing brow face. "You, uh, okay?"

"Good be. I am. Uh..." I coughed. "Cindi do you, uh, I...did you know...that tapirs have huge dongs?"

Cindi's wrinkly brow got even more intense. "O-Okay. Uh...I gotta...check my homework."

She went back to looking at her papers.

I almost smashed my head into my desk, but the last time that happened, the school security system thought it was a bomb going off and all the intruder alert alarms had gone off. Also, the desk had been broken and I had gotten soooo much freaking detention. But I was still mentally kicking myself. Every single time I tried to be all brave and ask Cindi out, I instead panic Googled. Okay, so, you may not know this, but humans had invented this super cool thing called Google. You could ask Google anything and she'd usually be able to tell you something about it! Either by sending you to Wikipedia or to Youtube. Though, sadly, sometimes Google got confused and said dumb and wrong things by proxy. Like, once, I had googled "how many immigrants are in the Earth?" because I was curious and I got this youtube video where a bald guy shouted about how evil elves were using cultural marxism to destroy the West?

Which...was kind of dumb, since, like, elves were sexy and cool and only the evil ones were evil. Most elves were neutral! Or neutral good. Also, like, elves were on each part of the Earth? Also, how could you decide which part was west if it kept spinning, huh? So, basically, each part of the Earth was west at some point. Hah! Checkmate, bald guy.

Then I had asked Auntie Lisa about it and she had ranted for two hours about how much of a jerk the bald guy was, and then told me to never ever ever watch another video like that or else The Algorithm would "radicalize me" into "being an alt-right wanna be fascist." So, I had instead watched all of a bunch of other shows. Like one was about cooking and another one was about how awesome movies were and a third one was about video games and then there was just this one where this guy, like, took things out of boxes and that one was the super best because you always knew something neat was in the box, because humans had also invented the magic and awesomeness of transparent treasure. So you could see into the treasure, then got excited, because not all of the treasure was visible, so then when the box opened and there was even more treasure, you could do a little excited dance!

Also, ProJared was pretty awesome!

None of this, unfortunately, gave me any ideas on how to not panic google when I was trying to ask out Cindi. And so the rest of class followed. The teacher took all the papers to grade, then started to teach us about algebra, which was cool. In about an hour, the class was done and as I stood up, Cindi started to walk off. She talked with her friends and didn't look back my way. I sighed as I walked out of class. When I had been on space adventures, it was way easier to not be scared of girls. See, when you are regularly shot at by laser beams, asking girls to smootch was easy as pie. But when the laser beams were absent...

Well...

You started to think about that time where someone had taken the interview footage that you had done with CNN and then recut it to music and at first, you think that everyone is laughing at all your funny jokes, but then you learn by listening to other people at the locker room that they're actually laughing at you because you're a dummy and you start to feel like gross ugly tin. I shuddered and shook my head. No one ever wanted to feel like tin. The only thing worse would be being...aluminum. I shuddered again, even more dramatically.

"Hey, Brash!"

I looked over and saw my friend, Paul. Paul was cool! He was another one of those humans who didn't freak out about the whole 'dragon' thing. He was this gangly kid with dark skin, frizzy hair, and huge glasses. Some people called him black! Some people called him colored. I called him Paul!

"Hey Paul," I said, trying to sound cheerful. Since I was the master of deception and the best at trickery and clever plans, Paul bought it hook line and sinker.

"Cindi still giving you problems?" he asked.

Dang it. I sighed. "I just don't know how to ask out a girl when someone isn't aiming an ion cannon at my head." I said, shaking my head slightly. "This didn't give Dad any trouble. He banged my Mom after she kidnapped him. And he banged the engineer. And this sexy orc girl! And-"

"Please stop," Paul said. It was hard to tell, but I think he was blushing.

"Sorry," I said, shaking my head.

"Just..." Paul paused. "You're not a virgin, I have no idea how this would be so hard for you."

I grinned. "That's what she said." I wiggled my eyebrows. "Cause, uh, when you have sex, your dong's all hard."

Paul slapped his palm over his face.

***

Two periods later, I was in the locker room and shimmying out of my shirt when I heard the most ominous sound in the world. The thump thump thump of Brian Murry's feet. Brian Murry was the biggest freaking jerk in school. He had been the one who had shared the youtube video that had made fun of me - which meant that everyone laughed at me because of it! But what was worse was that he was the kind of jerk where he'd say something and you'd think he was just being super nice! Then five hours later, you'd wake up inside of your room inside of your Auntie's kitty carrier (Auntie Lisa didn't have any spare rooms and I didn't want to sleep on her sofa, and besides, kitty carriers are super comfy if you're super tiny! See! Shapeshifting solves all problems except for the problems it doesn't solve) and you'd realize that he'd actually said something cutting and mean and then you'd wonder if he actually meant it like that, then the next day, his friends would be sneering at you and you'd be soooo freaking sure, but then you'd confront him and he'd be like, "Whaaat? Brash, we're buddies! Come on, lets hang out after school!"

Then he wouldn't be there to hang out and you'd be alone in the quad, wondering where he was until your Aunt calls you and asks where the heck you are.

Ugh!

And you can't just boop such a bully on the snoot.

I mean, I can't do it because I'm a super-strong genetically engineered dragon designed for deep space combat operations. But I also can't do it because that'd be being just as bad as he was. Also, I'd get in detention.

"Hey Brash," Brian said, grinning at me. "I hear you're trying to ask Cindi Fong out for Mika's party, huh?"

Oh no...

Well, fortunately, I knew his deal. I could use my tricky brain to out think Brian Murry and have him be the one who would stay up late at night, worrying about what I had said! I turned to face him and saw his big fake smile.

"Yeah, and, your face!" I said, grinning. Hah! Got him!

Brian looked faintly confused - just as I had planned - then shook his head. "Listen, you're new here, so you don't know that Cindi loves muscly dudes."

I blinked. Wait, what?

"Like, huge muscles," he said.

"Like Jack Slater?" I asked.

"Who?" Brian looked confused. I rummaged in my pockets for my phone and used my head-computer to tell the phone to google up a picture of Jack Slater. I showed it to him. Brian blinked. "You mean Arnold Schwarzenegger? Also what the fuck is The Last Action Hero?"

I pffted. "Whatever!" I blinked. "Oh! Also, the Last Action Hero is, like, the best movie! It's so funny and it has this super cool magical ticket in it and-"

"Whatever!" Brian waved his hand. "But yeah. She'd totally dig Arnie. In fact, look exactly like him! I bet she'd go gag-ga for you." He grinned.

I narrowed my eyes. Something about that might be a trap. But...Brian did raise a point. Muscles were good, right? So the most muscles would be even better than less muscles? Right? I tried to find a flaw in the logic, but I couldn't. It was just science! But as Brian walked off, I realized the flaw in his logic. Arnie was a real person! So, if I looked like him, everyone would think I was Arnie! And he was like, five million years old. A five million year old man trying to ask out an eighteen year old teenager was, like, super icky and gross! Then everyone would shout at me and throw rocks and then Arnie would be sad when people asked him: "So, Mr. Arnie, why did you try and mack on that teenager?"

He'd sit in his house and cry and say: "Why does everyone think I was gross? How could this have happened to me, beloved action star?"

"No!" I whispered, horrified.

Then an idea sparked in my brain.

I grinned and rubbed my palms together, then focused. I built up more and more muscle slowly as the other boys in the locker room shoved and laughed and chattered. I remained crouched behind the lockers and grew more and more bigger and muscular. My shoulders expanded outwards and my neck grew so thick with muscle that I was pretty sure I couldn't bend my neck. But it'd make me so much sexier. Once I was completely muscled, I dragged my PE shirt on. It strained and tore and I grinned, flexing my chest-mucles with quiet twitch noises.

"Noice!" I whispered. I waited until all the other boys had headed out to the track and field, then swaggered towards the door. My head almost bumped the ceiling and I grinned. In my mind's eye, I could see everyone gasping in shock as I swaggered out, all big and muscly. Though, I had had to keep my hips kinda tiny to make sure I didn't rip my PE shorts either. I rubbed my palms together, about to step out...when my head-computer ruined everything.

Alert! Alert! The hissing, sibilant voice that had been programmed into my head-computer by my designer started to speak. KKV detected. KKV detected.

For a few seconds, I was confused.

Then I yelped. "Kinetic Kill Vehicle!?"

I sprinted out the door, shifting as I did so, turning into my fastest shape - a quadrupedal dragon, with broad wings that could add the pressure of the air my natural flight. I shot forward and managed, just barely, to head-but the kinetic kill vehicle that was tearing through the atmosphere several times faster than the speed of sound. We both smashed together and I altered its trajectory just enough that it smashed the empty bleachers rather than the middle of my PE class. The impact roared in my ears and the chunks of debris that were kicked up by the impact smashed into my scales and I yelped and cried out. Smoke roiled outwards and I swung my head around, switching to all my non-visual peeping visions.

Terahertz showed about fifteen feet of twisted, smoldering rebar arcing towards the PE class.

I sprang from the rubble, shifting and landing in my standard form. "Spinfusor!" I shouted and one of the eleven cybernetic weapon systems worked into my body unfolded. A disk of coherent plasma shot outwards, slammed into the rebar, and knocked it off course with a blue-white explosion. The rebar smashed into the roof of the locker room and sent up more dust. I grinned and retracted my spinfusor, blowing at my still smoking knuckles, then shouted: "Everyone okay!?"

The PE class looked stunned. Brian was peeing himself.

Hah!

I won!

Then behind me I heard a loud churr hiss. I spun around. Since most of my implanted weapons made kinda big explosions, and also weren't as good as this one, I instead focused on my awesome psychic powers and created a psi-sword. A psi-sword is almost exactly like a lightsaber except it's not copyrighted by George Lucas so I could show it off whenever I get interviewed by the news! I held up my psi-sword, which was a brilliant ruby red. It crackled as I walked slowly towards the fog and smoke choked crater impact site.

The smoke faded.

The kinetic kill vehicle was super weirdly designed.

Like, who made a kinetic kill vehicle with a door? Those were made to basically fly super close to the speed of light, then smash into something crazy hard. Also, it had a subspace engine built into the butt. KKVs were supposed to go super fast, then smash! And subspace engines were expensive as nuts. Also, it had a deceleration shield. But it looked like someone had shot the shield up! Which was why it had come in fast enough to trigger my passive scanner's alerts. I licked my lips slowly.

"What is it!?" The P.E teacher, Mr Tyrell, a guy who looked like he was always faintly surprised that the world was the way it was and not like some other way.

"It's an escape pod!" I said. "Maybe it has a space princess inside!"

"Isn't that a bit unlikely?" Mr. Tyrell shouted.

I stepped up to the door. The pod was still crazy hot. Fortunately, I was crazy hot resistant. Except for when it was girls. So, I just enjoyed the temperature as I put my hands on the door, then put my nose up against the glass. I peered inside. "Hello?" I shouted through the door. I could see nothing inside the pod save for a thick, cloying smoke. The smoke roiled and I saw, for a fraction of a second, a leg rushing towards the door. This gave me just enough time to realize that someone was about to kick the door. I was about to teleport...when the impact smashed home.

The whole door hit me and scooped me upwards. I flipped through the air and smashed on the end zone of the sportsball field, which I'm pretty sure meant I had scored a home run and two loves! I would have enjoyed this more if I didn't have a very heavy dwarven tasting door smashing against my face and crushing me into the astroturf. I groaned and licked the door again. Yup. Definitely a dwarven made door.

Screams rang out from the PE class. Oh! I should make sure they knew I was fine. I shoved at the door and it slid off me then whumped into the turf, making a door shaped impression in the fake ground. I sprang to my feet and saw that the person who had kicked the door open was definitely not a princess. For one thing, princesses normally had crowns and stuff. And this girl did not. Also, she was made of what looked like bubblegum. It had the same pinkish tone as bubblegum. Her shoulders were protected by thick metal plates and she wore a chest piece that was curved to deflect swords and gunfire. She was not bulked up like Arnie, but she definitely had muscles. Like, Korra from Legend of Korra level muscles.

I.E, the hot kind of muscles.

My HUD targeted her and identified her as a Candy golem.

So it was bubblegum!

The candy golem pulled out a heavy duty looking pistol and glared about herself while another golem stepped from the pod. This one was shorter and...

Gold.

My eyes widened and time slowed and the song I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner started to play in my head. Time slowed as I gaped at the gold golem. She was short like a goblin, with long ears like a goblin. She had the huge boobs that most goblins had (see, goblins actually had the same level of boobage as humans, but what was medium on a girl who was five feet tall looked freaking stacked by gobbo standards.) But she was bright gold, and there were two clear spots on her temples, so you could see the whirring gears inside of her head. Her hair was silver and corded like dreadlocks. Steam hissed around her shoulders as she held up a small abacus, starting to flick at it.

"P90-B8," she said, frowning. "I believe this is Earth."

"Suuuuure it is, G282," Bubblekorra said, scowling at the P.E students who were fleeing for the locker room. "That's why a freaking spinfusor shot us down!"

"I don't think that spinfusor was aimed at us!" Goldiegobbo said, frowning.

"Hi!" I waved at the two golems.

Bubblekorra reacted...well...a bit like Korra from Legend of Korra.

With lots of shooting. It turned out her gun was majorly magical, because it started shooting fireballs at me. The small beads of ruby red light roared outwards and exploded with spherical blasts of raw heat. I teleported away in a stuttering jumps, keeping just ahead of the fireballs by a tiny little bit. The field was now smoldering with craters and I could hear the wailing sounds of Princeton Prep's school shooter alarms going off. I stood my ground once I realized that the next shot would hit the gym locker room.