Brash and the Schrodinger Snare

It was at this moment that I was really annoyed at my butt for what I had chosen to memorize last night.

All magic from the arcane to the divine requires you to jam it into your brain. The only problem was that, even with cybernetic augmentations and genetically engineered arcanic brain-parts, there was a limit on how many spells you could stick into your attic. Which was a slang term for brain! And, uh...I had kind of memorized summon fluffy creature, like, ten times.

...I liked petting things, okay?

Which meant I had no fireball reflection spells, no magical dampening spells, no sleep spells. I didn't even have glitter dust! Which wouldn't have helped, since glitterdust was not exactly useful in this situation. But at least it'd make the golem girls even prettier! Fortunately, while magic was kind of a jerk and forced you to play by its rules, psychic powers were more flexible. That stuff was allllllllllll me, baby. I focused and the Bubblekorra pulled the trigger on her fireball pistol.

I swung my psi-sword like I was a Serena Williams on first base, ready to score a touchdown!

The fireball hit my sword, then rebounded. It soared up into the air and exploded like a pretty firework. I laughed at Bubblekorra's shocked expression. "Hah! You're outta-"

Bubblekorra started to fire as fast as her trigger finger could pull the trigger. I yelped and started swinging like Serena Williams in a game where every single other player was armed with machine guns and the refs weren't saying anything because they had been bribed by her archnemesis. I didn't know if Serena Williams had an archnemesis, but if she did, they'd totally not be above bribing the refs to overlook football machine guns.

Fireballs exploded in the ruined bleachers, overhead, in the AstroTurf between me and the two golems. Goldengobbo was shouting something, but no one could hear her over the roaring explosions. My arms started to ache, then burn with the tension of swinging my sword this fast. Finally, and I do mean finally, the fireball pistol ran out of charges. According to my HUD, it had fired ninety eight freaking gosh dang fireballs! Who makes a gun that fires ninety eight freaking gosh dang fireballs?! What kind of jerk does that? I was panting and gasping and I let my psi-sword fizzle out.

The remaining bits of bleacher that hadn't been smashed by the escape pod's landing were now bubbling piles of slag. The sky was thick with smoke. The ground was peppered with smoldering craters. DO you know how freaking stanky burned AstroTurf is?

I grew a second mouth so I could breathe out of the back of my neck while speaking out of my face hole. "So, are you done?"

Bubblekorra pulled out a new gun, tugging it from a hidden slot on her armor.

"Awww come ON!" I groaned.

"P90-B8..." A weak voice wheezed out of the pod. "G282...what's going...on out there?"

"We're under attack!" Bubblekorra snarled.

"We are not!" Goldiegobbo shouted back. "Princess Kira, we have landed on Earth. Like I've been trying to tell you, P90-B8!" She glared at Bubblekorra. Bubblekorra looked at me, then at Goldiegobbo, then at her gun, then at me, then back at the escape pod, then at the gun, then at me again. I waved at her, cheerfully.

"...that's Brash the Dragon, isn't it?" Bubblekorra asked.

"Yup!" I said. "I'm also super good at soccer."

Slowly, a golden brown hand grabbed onto the edge of the escape pod's door. The two golems moved, looking exactly like nervous parents who were scared to see their child play in traffic even if he was a megadamage capacity creature who could tank getting hit by a truck going sixty MPH like it was a love tap. Just saying, parents were weird and over cautious. Then, just as slowly, a figure stood from the escape pod. I gaped and this time when time slowed and the whole world looked like it was smeared in vaseline, the song that played in my head was Dream Weaver by Gary Wright.

The girl who stood was short as a goblin, but not quite as curvy. Her breasts were small and firm and perky. She wore a sleek white dress that had a frilly, geometric pattern around the hem and the wrists. Her cheeks were slender and her nose was juuust big enough to be super characterful. Also, she had russet brown hair, which spilled around her shoulders and dusted against her smooth cheeks. She looked strong, like Auntie Lisa, but not quite as wide. She blinked as she looked around herself at the wreckage she had left behind.

"I-I'm sorry!" she said. "I can pay for all of this! My name is Princess Kira, I, uh, I have a lot of money..." She bit her lip. "A-Also, I'm looking for Brash the Dragon?"

"He's right there," Bubblekorra said.

I whimpered.

Princess Kira walked over. Every step, she got more and more pretty.

"Brash the Dragon," she said, clutching my hands, squeezing them. "I need your help!"

"Did you know a tapir penis is, like, huge?" I screamed.

TO BE CONTINUED