Breaking Barriers Ch. 03

3: Prototype

Looking at himself in the mirror, he started to regret every decision leading up to this one, including this tie. Kip tossed it onto the bed and looked accusingly at his reflection.

"You did this," he breathed, almost a whisper. "You just wanted this so bad, didn't you?" He unbuttoned his dress shirt and flung it across his briefcase, which was open on his bed, almost emptied after a long day at work. Another day at work that Kip hadn't been able to process without thinking about Vale. They had had another night of texting, and it had gotten quite playful, with Vale's lead. He kept replaying it in his head, reliving every vibration that caused that dopamine rush as another message came in from Vale.

Vale: I'm looking forward to our date tonight.

Kip: So, it is a date, then? A bonafide date?

Vale: Yep, haha. Does that bother you?

Kip remembered what he had almost replied, but erased at the last minute. It exhilarates me, he wanted to text. Then he remembered he couldn't get too comfortable. He remembered the look on his past dates' faces as they saw him, or came out to them. He remembered the disappointment clouding their eyes. How much would it hurt when he saw it on Vale's face and realized that their short stint was over?

Kip: Not at all. I'm just making sure that you're sure.

Vale: If I weren't sure, I wouldn't have asked. :) Now, get some work done, and remember to be cute for tonight. Casual dress.

Another shirt joined the growing pile of rejects on the bed. Although erring on the side of formality seemed to be a good, general rule, Vale might undermine the effort with his laid-back attitude. Kip finally settled on a black tank top that hugged his chest, showing off the subtle muscles, but still hiding the ridged scars that ran underneath both pecs. He smoothed the shirt before putting on a pin-striped dressy shirt, leaving the buttons open in front and rolling up the sleeves, buttoning them at the elbows. He admired the shirt in the mirror, feeling like he'd finally found a winner. During his pre-T days, he had buttoned the shirt, and found solace that the jagged stripes hid something he was desperate to hide. Two somethings.

Now, he felt absolutely blessed that he had had his top surgery. He ran his hands over his smooth chest, reveling in the gratitude, and the cessation of nightmares. His body wasn't perfect, but at least he could tolerate it now. With the help of that and testosterone, he was feeling more at home in his own skin. More than he ever thought he would.

He glanced at his phone's screen to check the time. Luckily he had showered right away after work, and he was almost ready to head out the door. He cleaned up what he could, although he didn't expect this date would lead back to his apartment just yet. He checked for his wallet and his phone and then headed for the door, bumping into his dresser and knocking a shoe box to the floor. He cursed under his breath as he leaned down to right the box and fold the cardboard back into its rightful position. Some of the contents had spilled and he scooped them up alongside his bed. He tossed the photos back into the shoe box and put it back on his dresser, this time farther from the edge as he rubbed the bruise forming on his hip.

One of the photos on top of the pile caught his eye, and he tilted it up to look at it in the fading light of his bedroom. In it was a little girl with his soft features and a flower print dress. She cast the camera a melancholy look as she clutched a journal to her chest. He turned the photo over to read the tight, flowing scrawl across the back.

Katherine Patterson, age 7

At least, that's who the world thought it was, although even at this point, Kip had known that things weren't right. He remembered all that he had written in that journal, all of the things he couldn't explain to himself, and all of the things he had hidden for so long. He tucked the photo away with the rest of his childhood photos, some of the last remnants from his old life, and closed the box. This time, he dutifully left the house, more wary of the furniture, and set his mind on his date. Even if it wasn't meant to be for long, it made him happy right now, and he needed that tiny glimmer of happiness.

* * *

Vale tapped nervously on his phone while he sat in the booth. He had arrived early, both out of anticipation and anxiety. He wasn't used to this - the raw sense of excitement. He hadn't felt it in a while. Kent had remarked on it earlier in the day, quizzically raising an eyebrow after swallowing his excessive bite of pizza. His words echoed in Vale's mind.

"What's so special about this kid?" Kent had asked. What, indeed?

Perhaps it had been the shy, modest demeanor that was so rare in the gay population these days. Perhaps it had been his dry wit that had caught Vale off-guard in their texts. Perhaps it had been the way his wet shirt had hugged his chest as he pulled the small lad out of the water fountain. Vale's smile thinned into a somber one. Perhaps it had been the pained look that flashed across his face, interrupting any happiness or budding flirtation between them. At least he had agreed to this date, although he still felt a hint of hesitation.

Who hurt you? The question lingered on the tip of his tongue during their texting marathons that lasted longer and longer into each night, but it never materialized. His eyes lingered on the doors to the restaurant, scanning for his date while his thoughts wandered. A few minutes early, he saw the short stature of the deaf boy heading in, looking like a lost and frightened puppy. Vale couldn't contain his smile as he stood and waved. Kip caught his eye and hurried over.

"Hello," Kip said, breathing hard as if he had run. Vale stood as he neared and before Kip could process it, he offered a quick hug as a greeting. Kip's breath caught in his throat as Vale's strong arms closed around his smaller frame, and he soaked up all the warmth in the brief second he could. He seated himself quickly afterwards, trying to hide his blush. Vale sat gracefully across from him in the booth with a small smile playing at his lips.

"I'm so glad you could make it. I know it might seem silly in this day and age, but I brought you a gift," Vale said, fumbling in the booth beside him. He pulled up a modest bouquet and handed it across the table. Kip took it gingerly, raising his eyebrows as he gazed at the green roses. "Green is your favorite color, right?"

"Yeah, I'm surprised you remembered. I'm even more surprised that roses come in green," Kip said as he held the roses against himself, smelling the fresh scent. He looked up at Vale's pleased look. "If you think this is silly, by all means, please continue." They both laughed as Kip tucked the bouquet lovingly into the booth next to him.

As the waitress came by to take their orders, they fell into an easy conversation, even if it became a struggle as the din of the restaurant picked up with dinner time. Kip had to ask Vale to repeat his words a few times when he ducked behind the menu or followed his statement with a drink of water.

"Sorry," Vale said as he lowered his glass. A grimace flashed in front of his face. "I keep forgetting. You just seem so..." Don't say normal. "Functional, regarding your hearing loss. Even without hearing aids. When can you get them replaced?"

"Thank you, I guess," Kip said, shifting in his seat. "It's not easy, I have to admit. I haven't had many face-to-face friendships in my life, but the rest of my family is Hearing, and I was mainstreamed. I got used to having to lip read and strain. Some environments are easier than others. It's a bit of a challenge in a public place like this, but I don't mind so much right now. It might have to do with the company." The pair shared a small smile as Kip continued. "I have an appointment later in the month - it's as soon as they could get me in. The hearing aids have to be fitted and programmed to match my hearing loss. Like a puzzle piece."

"Really?" Vale said, punctuating it with a low whistle. Kip's heart skipped a beat at seeing his full lips purse like that. "I didn't realize so much went into that. What do you mean by 'mainstreamed', though?"

"It means I didn't grow up learning sign language, and I went to a public school with classes tailored around Hearing students. Not a Deaf-oriented school," Kip explained as the appetizers arrived. He plucked a mozzarella stick from the platter and dipped it into the ranch, savoring the taste, and Vale followed suit, pausing with it at his lips.

"Do you regret that?" he asked before he took a bite, letting the mozzarella stretch before he bit it off. Kip's eyes followed it before lowering to his own food.

"A little. I missed out on a lot of culture, and a lot of ease as I've had to conform to Hearing standards. But I don't blame my parents. They did their best, and they didn't know what else to do. They had their own concerns to deal with."

"Their only concern should have been you," Vale said with an edge in his voice. His fingers tightened against the tray, and Kip met the intensity in his eyes. "Any child deserves that," he added, as if to explain his sudden stiffness.

"Thank you," Kip said, not sure what else to say. What had he said to trigger Vale in such a way? "It wasn't that bad. As you can see, I'm fine." The silent question hung on Vale's lips, (But are you?), just as much as something hung on Kip's mind. He looked at the bouquet and something came over his eyes and Vale felt a sudden urge to reach for him to brush away that haunted look. Kip met his eyes again before his hand made it there.

"There's something I have to tell you. I like you so much, but -" Kip sputtered as Vale leaned in, looking like he was struggling to hear, but Kip's words were interrupted as the entrees arrived. In a flash, they had to struggle to rearrange the table so that everything fit. The meals were bigger than Kip had anticipated and he felt a pang of guilt, thinking he had ordered too much, especially since he had a sinking feeling that Vale would try to cover the bill. With polite smiles and nods, they ended the exchange with the waitress and she hurried off to the next table that needed her. Kip's earlier confession died in his throat as they both started to eat their meal.

It's all too much, Kip thought. The flowers, the food. It was perfect, but it wouldn't last. Vale's smiles that lit up his soul and sent that tingly warmth throughout his nervous system - it pained him to keep reminding himself how easily it would fade away. How it always did. He sat there, thinking that he was taking advantage of his poor man, accepting his gifts, only to ultimately disappoint him. He had to confess, but there wasn't any point in ruining a good night, right? He would tell him, but just not yet.

"So, are you learning sign language now?" Vale asked between bites of his Caesar salad. Kip wiped his hands on the folded cloth napkin after squirting his piece of lemon over his pieces of Alaskan cod. "Should I learn it?" Vale's bright eyes flicked upwards, searching for a cue. Kip smiled. No, he wouldn't put that burden on him.

"I am learning now, yes, and I quite enjoy it. I don't know how to explain it. While I'm not fluent yet, when I do see a word I recognize, the meaning transfer is instantaneous. I don't have to struggle and piece together a communicative puzzle in my head, trying to fit the shape of dull words into something meaningful, and then never fully knowing if I had it right. Sign language is easy, and fast, if only I had a stronger vocabulary, and got the grammar down as easily as English," Kip said, cutting a piece of the fish with the edge of his fork. "But no, I certainly wouldn't insist you learn it." Not yet, anyways.

Vale paused, wiping his mouth politely. "So, sign language isn't English?"

"Well, it's English words, more or less, but American Sign Language is its own language. It has vocab, syntax, grammar, etymology - all the fixings. And it's not just ASL. There's also PSE, which is Pidgin Signed English, which is like ASL in terms of vocab, but it uses English word order. I started stupidly with SEE though. That's Signing Exact English, because I thought it was more proper. It turns out it's just a waste of time. No one uses it, and it's the hardest to learn," Kip said with a grimace, reminiscing about his early faux pas that had caused him a delay in relearning.

"So, why does it exist in the first place?" Vale asked.

"Fair question," Kip admitted. "It's mostly for young children that need to learn English, like reading and conjugating. If you talk to someone who wasn't mainstreamed like I was, or a bookworm like I was, and who only had an ASL influence, you would notice that their actual English isn't very strong. They might use weird words, or less words than makes sense, or in a strange order. It takes a lot of practice for them to be articulate in English like Hearing people, you know, for emails, letters, or anything."

"I never would have guessed that it was so complex. I'm a little ashamed that I never put much thought into it," Vale said, turning some of the lettuce leaves with his fork. "It must have been so hard for you, caught between two worlds." Kip considered his words, and his tone, which stretched into his entire being. He was being genuine, in a way that Kip hadn't seen. At all.

"I got by," was all he could think to say. They ate in silence for a few beats, with unsaid things hanging between them. Kip wanted so desperately to tell him. If he waited, he could only imagine how it would turn out. Probably like it had before, with the guy feeling disgusted and betrayed that he hadn't disclosed right away. But if he made that habit, how would he ever just get his foot in the door? Maybe Vale would even be offended.

He remembered what one guy had told him. Gay men had fought so long and hard to love men, that no one was going to throw it away just to go back into the closest to date a transman. It was unthinkable. It was unfair of him to even assume that a gay man would date him. Why not just try for bi guys and hope for the best? Then he remembered why.

Vale watched the smaller boy out of the corner of his eye, how meticulously he used his utensils, and how timid he seemed to be. Noises collided all around the restaurants, with forks on plates, glasses clinking together, the waitress nearby stacking things onto a tray, the tap at the bar filling up tankards of ale - all that cacophony of sounds that everyone took for granted, and he wondered just how little of it fell on Kip's strained hearing.

He remembered how the young man had described his hearing experience, and how frustrated he had seemed in constructing his answer. Vale understood almost immediately, and mentally slapped himself, but it was too late. Of course, Kip had wanted to answer his questions, but what other experience did he have to compare it to? How could he describe his hearing, like a blind man trying to describe colors?

"I've talked enough about myself," Kip declared, tossing his napkin down next to his plate. His timid demeanor cracked a bit as he looked Vale in the eyes, and folded his hands underneath his chin. Vale noticed for the first time how slim and dainty his hands seemed, yet how masterful. It took all his strength to beat down some burgeoning impure thoughts. "So, you never did tell me how you got into illustrative work, especially at...what age are you?" A mischievous twinkle played across his eyes, and Vale brightened considerably.

"I'm twenty-four, actually, so I've been working for a few years. I went to college for graphic design, and then landed in a job doing illustrations for children's books. But only the good ones." He winked. "It's actually a lot better than I thought it would be. Some of the books border on fantasy, and I get to do amazing illustrations."

"I'll have to see some of your work sometime," Kip said, before he realized it. He tried to look away, but his eyes lingered on Vale's to carefully gauge his reaction. Luckily, it brightened as Vale leaned forward.

"I would like that," he said in almost a whisper. Kip wasn't able to hear it properly, but he did read every word as it dripped off this incredibly hot guy's lips. Since when did guys like this show interest in guys like him?

"I hope so," Kip said, faltering. "Why did you ask me for dinner? Not that I don't appreciate it, but this isn't exactly a common occurrence in my life."

"It should be," Vale said, leaning back, unfazed. He laced his long fingers together. "I haven't had a chance to ask out a cute boy in a while." Kip took a minute to process his words, but his first thought was, He doesn't mean it. To distract from the conversation, he reached for the salt even though he usually detested using salt, but Vale reached for a napkin at the same time. When their hands brushed together, Kip thought, But I want him to mean it. He couldn't help it. He already felt his heart spiraling, as it did in the past. He didn't think he could physically overcome it now.

"Thank you," Kip finally said, meeting his eyes. "Thank you for replacing my hearing aids, and thank you for the dinner." The waitress had been back to fill up their drinks a time or two, and now each man's plate was growing emptier as they progressed through the meal. When it came time to pay for the check, Vale rose to meet Kip in another hug.

"Will I get to see you again?" he asked, his breath whispering against the smaller boy's neck. Kip struggled to keep in a moan, feeling the rumble of Vale's voice against his chest.

"I think I can manage that. Text me," Kip said, and he hoped his eyes didn't scream what he really wanted to, which was a resounding yes, a whoop, and to jump into Vale's arms. But he controlled himself, chiding himself for feeling so childish. They parted, and Vale paid for the check, insisting that Kip didn't have to split it although he offered numerous times.

They walked out to the parking lot together, the sides of their hands so close to touching, but they stopped when they reached Kip's beat up old car first. He cringed, a little embarrassed at the state of the classified antique, but he felt that there was another question on Vale's tongue as he stared at the vehicle.

"Um..." he said, and Kip waited in the cool air of the night. At least out here, it was easier to hear with less distraction, but it still wasn't perfect. It would never be, and he had learned to live with that. "That's a nice car."

"Liar," Kip quipped. "But I appreciate the thought. She gets me from A to B, and that's all that matters to me."

"Right," Vale said, smiling sheepishly. "So, do you drive often?"

"When I have to, although I prefer not to," Kip said, casting a side glance at his date. "But that's a me-thing, not a Deaf-thing. Deaf people can drive perfectly safely. Actually, probably even safer than Hearing people." Kip couldn't hide the small smile that erupted over Vale's indignant inquisitiveness.

"Oh, really? Why's that?" His hands went to his hips in mock anger.

"No distractions, like a cute guy talking." Kip laughed, and Vale shook his head.

"Can't argue with that," he said. They stood in silence for a moment, looking at the car, and then Kip moved to get inside it, quickly saying goodnight. Vale caught his arm gently at the door before he got in. "Would you mind if I trouble you for a goodnight kiss?" Kip's heart began to pound in his ears. He had almost escaped that question. He had almost forgotten about it, since it hadn't been an issue in recent years. Well, not completely forgotten, but at least didn't expect it.

"I-maybe...I-" Kip struggled for the right words. Of course he wanted to kiss him, but he knew that once he came out, Vale might regret him doubly for it. No, he definitely couldn't have that on his conscience. "Next time, I promise." He managed a small smile, and Vale nodded understandingly, backing away.