Broken

Two years. Two years had already passed since my life took a complete turn into the unknown. Had it really been that long? I started thinking back on everything. Replaying it through my mind trying once again to finally figure out how I had missed such an obvious thing. It all seemed perfect to me; perfect that my life has shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't fix it. Perfect.

I looked down at my scarred hip and felt a sense of shame but also peace. I continued to stare as I took the knife to it, yet again. As soon as I felt the sharp blade on my skin I felt the release coming. The more I bled the more peace I found. I was in a state of almost pure bliss as I watched the blood pour out of my new wound. I could finally breathe again.

I started cutting about two and half years ago. I did it at first just to feel something, anything. It was six months before my wedding to my fiancé who had started to ignore me, not talk to me, and not touch me. I never felt more ugly, unloved, and unworthy in my whole life. Though at the time, I was too busy planning my wedding to actually realize this. I thought it was just stress and pre-marriage jitters. The feelings kept up and I finally realized them when he tookher, his ex girlfriend whom he knew I hated, on vacation with him. He didn't bother to tell me this, mind you. His brother did. Asshole. God, I was so oblivious to the whole thing. So caught up in my wedding planning to see what was right under my nose. I called off the wedding, five weeks before the day. It was so humiliating to call the venue, the caterer, the florist, and all my friends and family and tell them that it was cancelled. All the questions and poking and prodding was enough to make me go insane. And the final straw was my dress. My perfect, beautiful dress. I still had one more fitting. I had to go and try it on one last time, they wouldn't give it to me otherwise. So here I am, recently ex-bride, in the fitting room with my dress on, sobbing. Thank God my best friend was there or I would have had a full fledged panic attack right then and there. The months following my break up, I cut every single day. My left hip and thigh for the most part. The scars grew and my pain subsided. Now cutting is the only way I can find emotional release. It frees my mind.

After the break up, I was a changed person. I withdrew from my friends and my family and took comfort in my own solace. I had a job as a bartender in some swanky hotel, which meant working nights and sleeping during the day. It was the perfect job for someone who wanted to avoid facing people I know and who just wanted to hide. Which I did.

I have given up on meeting someone. I don't want anyone to know about me, my past, or my scars. So I date around, but never anything serious. I flee before that can happen again. I never want to experience those feelings again. I don't put myself in the position to ever be hurt again. I built so many walls and completely hardened my heart. I shut everyone out. My friends eventually gave up on me; except for a few, whom I love dearly. They try to get me back into the world but I think their patience is running out. I know they are just trying to help me, but I don't want to be helped. I'm not meant to be happy. Plus even if I did meet someone, how would I explain the scars? They would call me a freak or be disgusted that I could do that to myself. The scars are ugly and remind me of my failures, but they are also beautiful and bring me peace. But how could anyone else see that? They wouldn't.

"Jace! Jace man I know you're home! Open up!"

I groaned as I rolled of my couch. Was it too much to ask to sleep in? It was finally the weekend and I came home from work yesterday and just crashed. It had been such a long day yesterday. I had a tough client come in and complain about pretty much everything I had done, so I had to redo the entire blueprint. I'm an architect for one of the largest firms in the city, Jameson & Breck. My current client is Amanda Breck, the bitch wife of the CEO. I had been hand selected for the project by Mr. Breck himself because I had the most skill; and he thought I could "handle" his wife's attitude.

My internal ranting was cut off by the sound of my front door being pounded on and the familiar voice of my best mate Bentley.

"Hey Ben, what's up?"

"Did you forget? Tonight is the big race! How could you have forgotten?! I have been planning this ever since I heard about it..." He kept talking as I internally berated myself for forgetting and for saying I would go. Bentley was a huge race fan and there was going to be a big international race this whole weekend at the track just outside the city. Apparently it was a once in a lifetime thing and he would never get this opportunity to witness such an event again. I hated racing. I liked the cars sure, but I am more of a football guy.

"Jace. Seriously. Go pack, we need to go soon."

We were staying at a resort just a few miles down the road from the tracks. The resort was apparently home to one of the best vineyards and golf course in the state. I had never been, so it seemed like fun. There were two bars and seven different restaurants on the property, as well as a nature trail, and spa. If all else failed, I could get in a nice run and massage. Or maybe just get drunk for three days.

Bentley loaded up the car and was pumped about our "man weekend". I was just as excited to get away from work for three days and spend time with my friend.

Bentley and I had been best friends since high school. We played on the football team together, dated cheerleaders, and hung out with the same group of people. When the time for college came, we both went to the same school, where I studied architecture and he studied engineering. Now we lived about twenty minutes apart but hardy saw each other due to our demanding jobs and his equally demanding girlfriend. We hung out when we could; grab a beer here, catch a game there, but nothing major. This weekend was going to be just us guys, some fast cars, and lots of alcohol.

"Ben, man, I just want to say home excited I am for this weekend. We really need to do this more often."

"I'm excited too J! But don't get all mushy on me!"

"Shut up, dipshit."

This weekend was going to be awful. I had to come into work extra early Saturday through Monday at the bar because some dumb race was taking place down the street and our hotel was the prime spot for both the racers and guests to stay. Sure the money would be crazy, but I'm not so sure I could deal with drunk mostly older men for three days straight. Being a young female bartender has its perks, but it also has its downsides. Being harassed and come on to all the time are just a few examples.

"I don't even see the appeal." I said out loud while looking in a mirror getting dressed. Our uniforms were hideous and it did nothing for me. As I was staring at my reflection, seriously considering burning the uniform, my phone started to ring. Scott. The one person at work I loved. He had quickly become a close friend. Well as close as I let him get.

"Sutton! What's up? You ready for tonight? I bet we are going to make bank!"

"Yeah, probably. Too bad we have to deal with the people though, right?" I chuckled.

"Drunks. Gotta love 'em! Hey, imma pick up some pizza for me and you before the shift starts. Cheese right?"

"Right. Thanks Scott, you're a peach."

"Yeah yeah, hippie. See you soon."

Being from the south, Scott was a big fan of meat. Barbeque, steaks, burgers, bacon, bacon, and did I mention bacon? He thought it was an absolute sin and morally wrong that I was a vegetarian. Being a girl born and raised in the south, it was almost sac religious that I didn't eat meat.

When I got to work, Scott and a delicious looking cheese pizza were waiting for me. We had about an hour and a half before we opened, so we ate as we set up.

"Hey Sutton, a bunch of us are going to Seppy's boat after this weekend to hang out and relax after this clusterfuck is over. Wanna come?"

"Nah. I think I'm just gonna sleep. And my mom is coming into town, so I have to play house.", I lied. Wearing a bathing suit was absolutely out of the picture. I can't hide anything wearing a bikini. Also, I had some history with Sep. He was one of the guys I dated for a few weeks, slept with, then ran away from. Sep was a great guy, super attractive, didn't ask why I needed the lights off when we had sex, and treated me well. I felt bad for running, but I couldn't make myself stay. Sep was a chef at one of the restaurants here, and I avoided him to the best of my abilities.

"Alright. You never hang out with us. I can count on one hand how many times I have hung out with you outside of work."

"I'm busy! You know that just as much as I do! This place works us to death. On my days off, I just want to rest and have some alone time to try and work up the strength to come back to work and deal with annoying people like you!" Another lie. I didn't want to even crawl out of bed on my days off. I just wanted to stay in my room and be left alone. Some days even required a lengthy cutting session for me to feel better. Some days though, I felt good. Those days I would hang out with my friends who still hung around. Or go for a run outside. Or even go see a movie. I hated crowds, I felt so claustrophobic.

"Ouch! Well one of these days, you will hang out with us. Ready?"

Deep breath. "Yes." Lie.

As much as I hate to admit it, the races today were pretty awesome. They had all sorts of cars out in the lot for people to look at. Because it was an international race, there were a lot of foreign and exotic cars. My dream car, the Aston Martin Vanquish, was there. Just for viewing. No racing this bad boy. I was like a kid in a candy shop getting to look at all these amazing beauties.

Ben and I headed back to the hotel that night after the races were done, around 10:00. We had been at the track for almost seven hours. It's a good thing they had food, or I would have died. Good old southern barbeque.

"Hey J, wanna go head to one of the bars? I'm feeling like we need a good drink, or ten."

" Ha, alright. Let's get the party started!"

We chose to go to the bar in the hotel, so we didn't have to try and find our way back if we got too drunk. This bar was huge, to say the least. It had a stage, with a live jazz artist, six pool tables, at least six televisions, tons of tables, and a few balconies. The actual bar itself was pretty big as well. The liquor set up was awesome. They seemed to have pretty much every bottle of rum, scotch, bourbon, vodka, tequila, and any other alcohol you could think of. There were also five beer fridges, and about 10 beers on tap. I was in heaven.

"Ben, we are going to make lots of poor decisions in here. I can feel it."

"Hell yeah man! Go grab a pool table. We can take turns buying rounds. I'll get the first one."

It wasn't too busy at the bar yet, so I was able to grab a table easily. I had just finished racking up the balls when Bentley came back, drinks in hand.

"Jack and coke for you my friend and a Macallan for me. Let's make this game interesting." he said as he slapped a fifty on the table and raised an eyebrow at me.

"You're on my friend. Prepare to lose." I put my money in and prepared to kick ass.

We had just gotten through our pre-dinner rush. We only offer bar snacks, so people need to go elsewhere to actually eat. It was around 10:00 when things finally slowed down. There were maybe 20 people in the bar at the time.

"Scott, can you look after the bar for a minute? I need to pee. And breathe." Scott worked the floor and I worked the bar. Because we had tables as well, someone need to make sure people got their orders taken. I hated working the floor, plus I had bartended in college, so I always worked behind the bar and Scott was on the floor.

"Sure thing. Take your time, we probably won't get busy for another hour or so."

"I love you. I really do. You are amazing." I headed to the bathroom to hide out and be alone for a bit.

The rushes were always hard. Being the only bartender, it can get overwhelming at times. But the more I worked, the faster I was at making the drinks. And sneaking in a few myself. No way in hell you can pull off that job completely sober. After locking myself in a stall for about 10 minutes, I decided to head back in and clean some dishes just to make sure we had enough cups. Plus I felt bad leaving Scott alone.

When I walked back in, Scott seemed to be spaced out.

"Earth to Scott. Anyone home?"

"What? Oh. Sorry. There was this guy. So hot. Ordered drinks." Oh Scott is gay by the way. You would never guess it by looking at him, though.

"Well, yes. That's what people do at bars. They order drinks."

"Bitch."

"Where is this guy that has you drooling? I have to see for myself."

"There. At the second pool table. He is the guy in the blue shirt."

I looked over to the pool table. Blue shirt guy was pretty attractive. Tall, blonde hair, muscular. But my eyes were focused on the guy with him. In the black shirt. Black shirt guy was taller, darker, and more handsome. He looked to be about 6'4". He had dark brown hair that was almost black. He was incredibly graceful in the way he moved, and when he leaned down to shoot, the way his muscles moved in his arms and back made me almost moan out loud.

"Uhh Sutton?" I guess it was my turn to be spacey.

All I could say was "Black shirt."

I looked at him one more time. Then I mentally scolded myself. Why would he be interested in you? What could someone like you possibly have to offer him? You don't want to get hurt again. Give it up. I sighed and headed to the back room.

" 8-ball, right hand corner pocket."

"Shit! Man, when did you get so good at pool J?"

"I'm not good, you just suck!" I laughed as I collected my winnings.

"Bullshit. Beginners luck. Go buy another round, I'll re-rack the balls."

I smirked as I headed towards the bar. So far this evening has been a blast. I am so glad to be away from all my work shit for right now. I needed a break, or else I might have murdered Mrs. Breck. Just as I reached the bar, a group of 15 or so men came in. I recognized some of them from the tracks. The guy behind the bar looked rather unhappy as they walked in and mumbled something to himself. He started to walk out from behind the bar but stopped and popped his head into a room in the back.

"Hey S! Here we go!" he said as he grabbed some bar naps and headed towards the group of men, who had settled themselves in the back of the room. A few seconds later, the most gorgeous women I have ever seen came walking out of the back room. She had beautiful red hair pulled into a messy bun on the top of her head. Her skin was pale, cream colored. She looked tiny. 5'2" at most and she looked to be in great shape. Her breasts fit her body size perfectly, I couldn't help but think about what kind of bra she was wearing. And her ass. Dear Lord. I had never seen such a perfect, fit, round ass in my life. She had her eyes closed. I saw her take a few deep breaths and then head my way. She looked down until she was right in front of me. When she finally looked at me, it took my breath away. To say her eyes were beautiful would be a huge injustice. They were bright blue. Almost the color of cobalt. Then there was a starburst of jade green around the pupil. She had on minimal eye make-up, some black on the lids and mascara, while only made her eyes brighter. I had never seen more enchanting eyes. I blinked and tried to focus. But her eyes were almost haunting. Holding some sort of sadness and pain. I immediately wanted to fix that. She squinted at me.

"What would you like to drink?"

"Oh uh. A Jack and coke and a Macallan."

"Straight up?" I straight up wanted to strip her naked and try to make the pain in her eyes go away. Another squint.

"On the rocks."

"Wanna start a tab? I need a card to hold onto if you do."

I handed her my credit card and watched as she turned away to make the drinks. She moved in one fluid motion. Even her walk was beautiful. She came back and set the drinks in front on me. Her eyes still holding that same sadness. I needed to know about her. Her life. Who had made her that sad. I got angry thinking about some asshole treating her badly. I needed to make her happy. Eyebrow raise.

"Oh. Thanks. I'm Jace, by the way. Jace Andrews."

She looked at me a few beats. Almost like she was debating on talking to me. "Sutton Daniels."

As she said this, a loose strand of hair fell in front of her eyes. It took all my will power not to reach out and tuck it behind her ear. She took care of it instead. We were still looking at each other when she smiled. She wore bright red lipstick that showed off her perfectly straight and white teeth. Another loss of breath. But the smile didn't seem to reach her eyes. Not fully. Then her eyes moved off of me and found someone else. The other server. I grabbed my drinks and stepped back a bit.

"Babe, have I got a drink order for you!" the male smirked as he typed in the order.

"Are you kidding me? 8 Old Fashioneds? I hate making those. Asshole."

"Yeah. Sorry about that."

"Yeah, yeah. You can make it up to me later. I still love you."

"Love you too S!"

So this bastard is her boyfriend. Great. Just my luck. How can he take her for granted? She deserved to be treated like a gift from God. He must be seriously messed up not to be grateful for her.

I was sulking when I made my way back to Ben.

"Hey man. Took long enough. Saw you eyeing the barkeep. She's smokin'! Hey? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I snapped. "Sorry man, nothing, just thinking about that bitch Mrs. Breck."

"No. No thinking about work this weekend. Let's play another game. I'll break."

As I watched Jace walk off, my mind swirled with confusion and about a thousand different emotions. When I walked over to take his order, I was taken completely off guard by how handsome this man truly was. His face was defined by a square jaw, perfect cheekbones, and the most amazing green eyes. They sparkled like emeralds. He had a few days worth of stubble on his face, which only added to the allure. I gathered myself and asked his order. He just looked at me. Studying me. I felt insecure. He knew. He could tell what I did to myself. Of course that was silly, but the way he stared completely unnerved me. Then he told me his name. Jace Andrews. All I could do was take in his beauty. I met his eyes. My blue looking into his green. Scott arrived at the perfect moment, saving me from becoming awkward. I smiled at the thought of Scott yet again rescuing me. Jace didn't leave yet, just backed up. Still looking. Finally he scowled, shot Scott a look, and headed back towards his friend. More confusion.

"Oh my God, S, he was totally checking you out!"

"I don't think so. He's way out of my league. I probably have something on my face. Do I?"

"Uh, no. He was looking at you, love. You are beautiful. Accept it. Embrace it. Use it."

I just rolled my eyes at him and set off to complete the bullshit order he just put in. But I couldn't shake the way Jace looked at me. I hoped it was attraction. I hoped with all my heart. I sighed and took a deep breath. Told myself to get it together. I'd never see him after today anyway. Move on. He probably has some drop dead beautiful girlfriend at home. I was just wasting my time even looking. But goodness, looking wasnice.

After that, the evening picked up and we got slammed. People came pouring in and the drinks kept flowing. The next few hours flew by. Then it was closing time. Finally. I was done with my social quota for the day. All I wanted to do was go home and shower to get the smell of the bar off of me. After last call was announced, the crowd slowly left. I glanced around to see if Jace was still here. He wasn't. Neither was his card. Scott must have closed him out at some point during the rush. I laughed at myself. Even if he was still here, what would I do? Talk to him? He would dismiss me.