Broomstick

Prior to her appointment Rita our new accountant informed the partners she was the woman rumored to have placed a broomstick up the posterior of her former husband.

The partners heard Rita's total rebuttal of that claim and interestingly we found no complaint had been made to the police about that alleged incident. We also confirmed that Rita had an impeccable personal record throughout her life in this city including at university.

The twelve partners including myself agreed the rumor against Rita of physical assault was an utter fabrication and a mindless defamatory attack and agreed to hire Rita Riley as a valued acquisition to our business.

DAVID GILL Managing Partner

Throughout her ordeal Rita had acted tough but with restraint. Therefore it was understandable when she arrived back in her office from a meeting mid-morning on the day that newspaper advertisement was published and found a huge bouquet of flowers on her desk with the card, 'From the Females at Lambton Accounting', she burst into tears. Wiping her eyes Rita believed that feeling of being a victim had been exorcised.

Two business woman called Rita that day to make appointments to discuss their accounting requirement and three more made appointments the following day. The next day the president of the Lambton Professional and Businesswoman's Fellowship invited Rita to lunch were she asked Rita to be guest speaker at the group's next monthly luncheon.

Rita accepted and assumed these developments meant her name had been cleared as far as possible. She was so grateful about the level of support she'd received.

An hour later she received a call from a voice she recognized.

"Hi Tweedie."

"I'd hoped you'd left town for good."

"Why should I?"

Tweedie said her presence could interfere with his election prospects.

Aware that he'd already announced his intention to contest the mayoral election Rita feigned curiosity and asked, "What election is that?"

"The mayoralty you stupid bitch."

"Oh my apologies. It was my impression candidates were expected to be moral, intelligent and upstanding citizens with business acumen and displaying leadership qualities."

"God you have a sharp tongue. Well I'm advising you to hold your tongue and say nothing more about that alleged rumor about you sticking a broom into me. I was appalled when I first heard it but of course we are all powerless against rumor."

"I see no reason to continue to repair my reputation by denying that incident. It's gone as far as I can take it. Are you calling wanting to hire me as your accountant?"

"Get fucked," Tweedie said, cutting the call.

That rude goodbye reminded Rita she was neglecting that part of her life. At a nearby bar on Friday with other accountants from the office a fresh-faced young accountant called Henry Poole asked would she go to dinner with him that evening.

Rita whispered, "Only if it's your policy to try to have sex on first dates."

Henry looked close to panic.

"Come on Henry be upfront."

"Yes," he croaked. "Oh Rita please be careful with me. I'm not all that experienced as mom made me promise I'd keep away from women while I went through college and I gave away most of my good chances."

"Most?"

Blushing Henry admitted one or two female students had broken down his resistance.

Rita was beginning to regret this but actually Henry turned out to be okay.

He took a room in the hotel where they dinned and later almost whined and said, "If you ever meet my mother please never tell her the sex was your idea. She'll half-kill me and accuse me of being a wimp."

Rita sighed and decided it would be wrong to suggest to Henry he ought to stay away from his mother.

In the room Rita said after they'd messed around a bit, "Pull it out and let me see what you've got Henry."

"What with the lights on?"

Rita sighed and turned out all the lights while Henry struggled to unknot his tie. She left a reading lamp on.

She was gentle with Henry, allowing him to do all the banging. He was well-equipped and they bypassed fellatio and cunnilingus simply because he didn't press for those activities and when Henry inserted and said, "Please tell me what you like; I don't mind following a woman's instructions,"

Rita worked happily at teaching Henry how to stop pussyfooting and to fuck robustly to give any woman what she really wants when offering her pussy.

She went home with the right attitude, feeling that she had been fucked. But that would be the last of Henry. He really was too much of a bedroom gentleman for her. The next week a Leo Watson contacted the office looking for a new accountant and was put through to Rita and they arranged to meet over lunch.

It was a hot day and Rita was wearing a tight black leather skirt, a white shirt with ruffled shawl collar and black high heels. As the maitre d' took her to the table and Leo stood Rita felt his eyes rake her... well she perhaps she was aware he was taking just a little more than a glance. Instinctively she pulled in her tummy and took a deep breath but unfortunately tripped over a chair leg and went sprawling against the maitre d' who managed to keep both of them on their feet.

Rita felt strong arms around her and one hand cupping her right breast and heard Leo say in quite a deep voice, "I have her. Thanks for saving my guest from falling."

The maitre d' checked that Rita was okay and left and Rita whispered to Leo did he want her breast or could she have it back.

"Oh sorry," he grinned, letting go of her. "It's a while since I've had a good handful."

Rita blushed and he swallowed and pulled out a chair for her.

"I think this is an auspicious start to a good working relationship," he smiled.

"I think so too," she said with a bit of a flutter of eyelashes but hers were so short she didn't think he would notice but then she was sure he murmured, "Very sexy."

She wondered if he ever committed adultery.

She later received indisputable confirmation that he did.

CHAPTER 2

The race for the mayoralty reduced down to three prime candidates, the incumbent Mayor Arch Lauder, Tweedie and Felicity Brandt, owner of three very popular fitness centers. In interviews published in the Herald, Mayor Lauder claimed he deserved re-election based on his proud record. Mrs Brandt said the city was under-governed and was well overdue to have a community minded businesswoman at the helm. Mr Tweed was reported as saying the city needed a new generation businessman to lead it forward and he had the ideas and the passion to do just that.

The first public event the three candidates attended was a luncheon sponsored by Lambton United Women's League. The majority of people packing the hall were female.

League president Mrs Moira Fleming welcomed the three candidates and introduced them. She said that could each speak for ten minutes and then answer questions. All went smoothly and she called for questions after Tweedie had given his short address but she said, "I'll ask the first question. Mr Tweed is it true you had a broomstick or similar object inserted into your person?"

"God no, certainly not. I can't understand why anyone would start such a foul rumor," Tweedie said, wiping his forehead with a handkerchief.

"Well that clears up that despicable rumor," Moira smile. "Thank you for your honesty. The press is present and I hope your denial is noted."

"Mrs Thelma Smith," Moira called, although no one had a hand raised.

"Mr Tweed, my husband Trevor is prepared to sign an affidavit that he and two friends who are prepared to sign affidavits were told by you in the Anchor Bar that your wife had shoved a broomstick up your ass and you were divorcing her. What have you say to that? Be honest now."

"I deny those allegations and have nothing further to say about that. Next questions please."

Moira called Stefani Crosetti.

"I trust you will have appropriate success in this election."

Tweedie smiled. "Thanks for that kind remark. I look forward to your question."

"Perhaps you won't like my question Tweedie. I have searched court records and found your wife lodged the application for dissolution of your marriage. What have you to say to that? Apparently you have been publicly claiming you divorced your wife."

Tweedie reacted angrily.

"This is a deliberate set-up to attempt to run my campaign off the rails. I'm leaving."

Tweedie walked out to the humiliating sound of slow hand-clapping.

"Oh this is very distressing for us, exposing a candidate who can't stand the heat in the kitchen when it goes against him and his veracity is in question," said Moira. "We now give the two remaining candidates five minutes each for their wind-up speech."

The report of mayoral candidate Sylvester Tweed walking out of a public meeting after his veracity was questioned about his divorce and rumors made against his ex-wife made front page of the Herald next morning. Tweedie was ordered to attend an emergency meeting of the executive of the city's Professional and Business Association at noon that same day. The association had placed $10,000 into his campaign fund.

Tweedie spoke desperately to keep his backers onside and the executive agreed to stick with him but urged him to ensure none of the other two meetings was stacked with detractors.

"I guarantee that this smear campaign had ended," Tweedie said and got away with that, no one asking how did he propose to prevent further public outbursts.

Tweedie went to the Herald and was interviewed about what he called 'An orchestrated feminists campaign against him simply because he was a divorcee'.

Part of the interview published next morning read:

Reporter: But the Mayor is also a divorcee although since remarried.

Mr Tweed: Well then I guess those female activists are guilty of discriminating behavior because the third candidate is also a divorcee.

Reporter: Do you deny hating your former wife?

Mr Tweed: Yes I deny it absolutely. I still love my ex-wife and call her most days.

A panel within that article stated: The Herald contacted the former Mrs Tweed, Miss Rita Riley, to ask did Mr Tweed call her most days.

"I deny that absolutely," said the attractive, pleasant and very articulate Miss Riley. "The last thing I really remember my ex husband saying to me was making love to me was like making love to a dead coyote. I was outraged and perhaps it was fortunate no broom was in reach."

That article was published next morning and immediate radio and TV news and commentators were into the act.

Rita appeared on breakfast TV and the interviewer Mary-Anne Bell frowned and said they'd invited mayoral candidate Sylvester Tweed to appear for this interview with his former wife. "Here is what he had to say when I called him."

The recorded voice said, "Stick your program. I'm not going near that bitch. If she were a coyote I'd really take care of her."

"How would you do that Mr Tweed?"

"You dumb bitch. Use your imagination if you have one."

"Wow, that was mayoral candidate Sylvester Tweed all riled after reading this morning's Herald that published the interview he requested with its award-winning political writer Samuel Stead.

"Miss Riley can we clear up this issue. Did you ever take to your ex-husband with a broomstick?"

"No never. I'm not a violet person even when mad."

"Was Mr Tweed ever violent to you?"

"Very rarely."

"Please describe those incidents."

"No because I don't wish to jeopardize his election prospects."

"Will you vote for him?"

"No my vote will go to Mayor Lauder. As Mayor he's not been as progressive as some would wish and no conservative enough as some would wish. Therefore that balance he's achieved in taking the city forward as leader of local government is probably about right."

"Do you still love your former husband?"

"No."

"Why not."

"I rather not say."

"Who spread the rumor about you sticking a broomstick in the direction of your husband?"

"I suggest you ask him that question."

"Are you implying something?"

"Oh good guess."

"My impression is you don't sound bitter about your husband."

"Correct, after my initial unhappiness I told myself to restart my adult life and reestablished myself as a public accountant and I'm doing that. As for my ex-husband I'm completely over him."

"Well finally do you wish your ex-husband who is known widely as Tweedie, well in his election bid?"

"No. That's the answer my legal adviser gave me, expecting you to ask that question. You have been very pleasant in conducting this interview and I thank you for your courtesy and no my legal adviser didn't suggest I thank you like that."

"Wow. Thank you Miss Rita Riley now works in our city as a public accountant in the practice of Lambton Accountancy Services Partnership. Isn't she lovely? Our next news bulletin follows."

As the interview finished Tweedie sighed and called the director of the Professional and Business Association.

"Hi Phil did you see my ex-wife's interview?"

"Yeah Tweedie."

"I'll officially withdraw from the election this morning. I've only spent $4000 from the fund so will refund you $6000."

"We want our full ten grand back."

"Sorry Phil, bad line. Bye."

After placing his business for sale with a business broker Tweedie set off to formerly withdraw from the election. It was rather humiliating with several people calling out, "Where's your broom Tweedie" but he'd expected that.

The business broker called David Gill and reported he had the listing.

"Tell your client our partnership is offering fifty grand under his asking price with an immediate settlement and the only condition is that the business be left as a going concern."

"Right I'm on to it David."

The broker called back an hour later to report a done deal.

David said he'd on-sell the wet-weather and industrial clothing company fairly soon and would expect to make a tidy profit.

"You will David. Properly financed it's a cash cow."

* * *

After that breakfast TV interview, Rita thought it was time to be proactive about her sex life that she thought was little more than a dribble. She had an idea and called the David of her one-night stand, David Faulkner who was director of sales for a pharmaceutical company.

When he answered she said brightly, "Hi it's the Broomstick Lady reporting to you on my rehabilitation in this community. It's going well."

"Hi Rita. Surprised I remembered your name so easily?"

"No because you remember your good fucks."

He stalled slightly and then laughed easily. "You caught me there. I was expecting you to say that being in sales it was my business to recall names?"

"Well yes and I decided to deliver something unexpected to shake your from your lethargy. I had been hoping to have had a call or even a visit from you."

"Well I am married and there was the question of you working for reinstatement. Those two negatives were sufficient for me to place my passion for you on the back-burner."

"Oh come on David, I can't have made that great an impact on you."

"For three days or so after I was with you I thought about you a great deal, even when I was having sex with my wife."

"Oooh."

He laughed and said he'd been smitten by her.

"Rita you are the easiest woman to talk to and to relax with that I've ever met. You will understand that the passing days at the apparent hopelessness of the situation deflated my passion?"

"Oooh I hope that's all that has been left deflated."

"It is hardening as we speak," he chuckled. "I must go as I have a sales meeting to chair. I'll call in a day or two when I work out my scheduled. I'm thinking of swinging your way to say hi face to face. Oh my wife is divorcing me, amicably I must say. Her complaint is I spend far too much time away from home. Everything has been settled so perhaps in four months I will free of my biggest critic."

"Oh David, I'm sorry about that. It must bring unhappiness to your both."

"Actually we both see it as a solution, but thank you for expressing your concern so beautifully. That's one of the things I love about you Rita. Now I really must go. Bye."

Rita felt giddy. God David's marriage was in the process of being dissolved. She'd love it if he hooked up with her, even on an irregular basis. But the thing that had really stirred her was his use of just one word: he'd said 'one of the things I love about you' whereas most people would have said 'one of the things I really like about you'. Was that intentional and therefore very significant or had she misread it? She decided to regard it as significant although he'd not made any attempt to contact her and that was a bit of a worry.

The other David called Rita and invited her to lunch. An hour later they met at a nearby restaurant.

David chose a light beer and she a dry French white wine she liked as an aperitif.

"I must say you have settled in so well as so very quickly," he smiled. "Yet I should have expected that because you always were a classy person."

"Thank you David. So kind."

He grinned.

They chatted until their drinks arrived and David then said he had something important to tell he.

"My partners and I possess an unconditional sales agreement with Tweedie to buy his business as a going concern."

That quite stunned Rita. "Omigod does that mean he'll leave town?"

"I believe so. He's been under financial pressure since his divorce and so we have purchased at fifty grand below the average value reached in two independent appraisals. Tweedie told me he was eager to leave the city because he'd been absolutely humiliated."

"Oh poor Tweedie," Rita giggled.

David smiled and said, "That's my girl. I relished this opportunity to shaft him for him. In our boardroom we called it the broomstick purchase. I hope you don't mind that?"

"Not at all. Good thinking because none of you will have to think now what property was that?"

"So we are in agreement that deal is good for us?"

"Yes absolutely. It actually is a damn good company as brand loyalty is holding despite the inroads into the market by foreign suppliers. I am also thrilled that this purchase probably represents the permanent exit from the city of my wretched ex-husband. Thank you David."

He smiled and nodded and then said he wanted Rita to accept the position of chairman of the reorganized structure of the company to apply from the date the partnership took control of its asset. He proposed initially Rita would need to spend four hours a day over at the company's offices, using Tweedie's office.

"This arrangement would continue until we quit the purchase and that could be as early as three to four months. Part of your responsibility will be to find a new buyer."

"Well I suppose I have the advantage over other accountants here is that I've already partly managed the company," Rita said modestly.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes and thank you for your confidence in me. Managing assets through transition is something accountants do."

Back in her office Rita called the pharmaceutical company and left a message for David Faulkner to call her and he called twenty minutes later.

"Hi again," she said brightly.

"Hi Rita. I was thinking of calling you anyway. I've decided we should get something going between us."

"Yes but let me ask, what academic qualification do you possess?"

"An MBA and a bachelor's in sales and marketing."

"Oh excellent. An opportunity has come up here that may well interest you and if you have any money left after your divorce you might wish to invest in the company as well as run it as managing-director and CEO. The company makes wet-weather and industrial clothing and its continuing success against increasing foreign competition rests on product quality, brandings and sales and marketing, exactly the areas pharmaceutical companies must excel at because they too face strong competition."