tagHumor & SatireBuild Your Harem in Ten Easy Steps

Build Your Harem in Ten Easy Steps


NOTE: The following essay was sent to the author via OuijaMail, a new mobile app that promises to be the next Instagram. Its proprietary technology allows correspondence between contemporary authors and historical figures. The sender of this essay claims to be Samson, a legendary barbarian warrior from the Middle Ages. According to an unpublished essay by Joseph Campbell, Samson appears in numerous medieval folktales that focus on the erotic hero's gigantic phallus and enviable success with the fair sex.

The following text was transcribed without any edits:

Harems are a universal fantasy. Men throughout the ages have dreamed of having unlimited sex with a writhing horde of gorgeous bombshells in the same bed at the same time. Unfortunately, most males are physiologically incapable of satisfying three or more women. Some cannot even pleasure their wives as they deserve. Further, most females don't display much interest in having a ménage a trois, let alone joining of a harem.

Nonetheless, the Internet is rife with "pick up artists" that will teach you how to assemble a harem through purchasing a $19.95 e-book. I can't vouch for the effectiveness of these instructional guides. Samson can only speak from personal experience.

I have assembled dozens of harems in the course of my love life. Building a voluptuous menagerie of hot-blooded strumpets is the single most rewarding and challenging quest I have undertaken and you are speaking to a man that has crushed armies with his bare hands as a diversion from seeking the Holy Grail.

However, harems are not for the faint of heart or weak of loins.

Below are several easy steps so aspiring sybarites of future times may enjoy the most unique and gratifying lifestyle known to mankind.

Step One: Become a legend.

Women pine for heroes.

Warcraft, athletics, music and poetry are all good professions for the legendary.

After slaying a dragon that made a nuisance of itself in a local village, I can retire the nearest tavern and expect more than casual attention from the buxom wenches who serve my mead. They will compete for my favor, which is fine because I have a two-girl minimum after a cherished victory.

Fortune favors the bold. With a little charm and a lot of braggadocio, I can walk into any tavern and leave with half of the barmaids on staff. Some men visit strip clubs to ogle women. I go there to fuck them. And if you go to the shop for groceries, you certainly wouldn't leave with just a single item.

Of course, I was lucky in that I became a legend for something more pertinent to fucking. That would be...fucking. Causing a female to black out after an intense orgasm will make you attractive to the opposite sex. You needn't brag about it either. Ladies speak among themselves and your gifts will be solicited from curious admirers. Word-of-mouth is compelling, especially when that mouth is shrieking your name in breathless ecstasy.

Step Two: Recruit four to six members for your harem.

Unlike King David, I am not greedy. You do not need to collect hundreds of women for your harem. At that point, you will need to purchase a fortress as well as hire a troop of eunuchs and servants to maintain order. Such expenses are beyond the means of a 12th Century barbarian stud and (probably) the reader.

I have found harems grow organically yet quite rapidly with practice.

For instance, let's say I just arrived in Constantinople after a glorious military campaign. I will seduce one girl a night from Monday to Thursday. That adds up to four girls in four nights. I could seduce four girls in a single day but let's not digress. The fifth day is Friday and they all desperately want another fuckdate. With my schedule now overbooked, I propose a double date with Miss Monday and Miss Tuesday conquests. After all, I am an accommodating and gregarious lover.

After an overnight lay with them on Friday, I arrange a Saturday threesome with Misses Wednesday and Thursday. Now that all of the women have grown comfortable sharing with others, expanding a ménage a trois into a ménage a quatre should be fairly smooth sailing.

If you have followed this process of seduction and combination successfully over the last six days, you will have your harem by the Sabbath. I feel like a self-help guru: Build Your Harem In One Week!

Of course, that does not mean you must restrict yourself to your core membership. Orgies with the same group of four concubines would bore me within a week. Instead, your lovers should be hospitable to guests in the boudoir. If you are a harem-league playboy, they should be delighted to share your exceptional prowess with their friends.

Step Three: Grow an enormous cock

I knew we would have to address this issue sooner or later even though I am sensitive about it.

It's not easy having a thirteen-and-a-half-inch cock. Thousands of women have recklessly impaled themselves upon me without even a passing interest in my feelings or hobbies like fencing and backgammon. Nonetheless, a legendary tool elevates the stature of a legendary lover. In my case, an enterprising sculptress cast my erection in plaster and earned a tidy sum by selling dildos of my manhood throughout the Holy Roman Empire. I fueled the fantasies of countless medieval vixens as they wanked themselves to sleep with my likeness.

In regards to a harem, a huge cock is not only a calling card for unlimited poontang. Sexologists of your time have already explained how it stimulates remote erogenous zones that remain untouched by lesser males. Further, it denotes a primal masculine superiority that we deny but still captivates us. Running a harem requires respect from your lovers. In order to offer themselves to you outside the bounds of monogamy, they must feel you are truly special. Possessing an endowment larger than 99.9999% of the male species is a clear and compelling sign of your exceptionalism.

From a purely physical standpoint, I could not experience many delights of the harem without a stallion-sized endowment. For instance, you must be very large to enjoy quadruple fellatio. Otherwise, there is not enough headroom among your harem girls to share your gift. While your lovers could take turns, nothing beats the sensation of having four sets of lips and tongues worshipping your phallus at the very same time.

Most importantly, however, a large tool bonds you to a female. I have encountered a wide range of reactions when I disrobe for the first time. However, they all can be reduced to a combination of fear, awe, and panty-staining excitement. There is the risk of pain as well as the potential reward of pleasures many have dreamed about all their lives. Pleasure invariably prevails but it only happens through trust. She will offer you her body but you must handle it with the greatest love and care.

When penetrating a lover, I will go places where no man has gone before. And the depth of my tool establishes an intimacy that she will experience with no other. Having a woman burst into tears of joy when she climaxes is one the most satisfying experiences I have ever known. Though people dismiss me as a cad, I am merely using my gift in the service of womankind.

Step Four: Acquire Enormous Strength

Having hours of intercourse every night with multiple women simultaneously is not easy. Pornography makes exotic sex positions look effortless but they are accomplished through the illusion of editing. I didn't acquire a set of granite eight-pack abs in a gym. They are the product of thrusting my gigantic phallus in and out of lust-crazed strumpets several hours a day.

Also, you are going to be naked a lot in a harem so you will need to look like a complete hunk to keep your bedmates moist and ready for penetration at all times.

Women say I am a bit on the muscular side. If I did not live in the Middle Ages, my most likely career options would be bodybuilder or porn star. My physique is not just for show. The Gods blessed me with miraculous strength. Otherwise, wouldn't it be a bit presumptuous to call myself Samson? Being able to lift a half-ton boulder above my head comes in handy, especially when you are cornered by a phalanx of Teutonic knights. My deific might also allows me to enjoy a much wider and exotic variety of sex positions.

For instance, "standing missionary" requires me to fuck a girl in mid-air. I must support all her weight, bend backwards and -- in order to enable thrusting -- flex my knees while bouncing her flailing frame up and down my pole. Performing this position for more than a thirty seconds will exhaust even athletic men. Sustaining it for thirty minutes is beyond the abilities of anyone besides a legendary harem stud like myself.

"Standing missionary" is probably the most requested position in my harem and I am obligated to perform it with several girls in a single fuck session. You also will need to assume all sorts of contorted positions in order to pleasure five or six partners at the same time. The easy part of harem sex involves having so many lovers eager to indulge your whims and desires. The hard part is indulging their whims and desires.

Step Five: Cultivate the bisexuality of your lovers.

Only a small percentage of females openly identify as bisexual. Others have been conditioned by society to ignore their desires. Still more simply never encounter suitable opportunities. Given the choice between a man or a woman, many will choose the conventional route.

A harem is an excellent laboratory for women to experiment with their sexuality. It provides the ideal scenario for the budding bi-femme to come out of her stuffy closet and embrace her inner jezebel. She will not need to deal with the potential awkwardness and unfamiliarity of a liaison with a lone lesbian. Instead, she will be in bed with several highly attractive females who will be eager to guide her through the Sapphic rites of passage.

My experience has found that situational bisexuality is delightfully common. When naked women are crowding your bed, they will gravitate toward each other even if a dashing rogue was their original motivation for an encounter. Assuming you are a legendary lover, your partners will remain in a perpetual state of clit-tingling arousal during your group love sessions. While waiting their turn to mount your sceptred throne of love, the suspense and anticipation will drive them mad with lust. Naturally, they will turn to their sister concubines for comfort and relief.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of this step. If you want a consensual harem in which the members stay with you voluntarily, all of them must be uninhibited bi-babes. A priggish apple will spoil the whole bunch. So how can you be sure your lover swings both ways? Don't rush your harem. Enjoy some quality time with prospective candidates beforehand. Have lots of threesomes with them to make sure they play nice (or naughty) with other girls.

The obvious reason for this precaution is envy. Harems can become (literal) hotbeds of intrigue. However, if your partners are just as attracted to the ladies as you should be, there will be many fewer arguments. Otherwise, you can expect a nightly debate about whose turn it is to launder the linens after an orgy.

Though it probably will be self-evident to most readers, a bisexual harem also assures an infinite variety of girl-girl loveplay to titillate the voyeur in all of us. As a general rule, you should be willing to join the party but don't worry about pleasuring your harem every night. Once in a while, I may be away on a military campaign or seducing a princess. Your girls should be able to take care of themselves.

Step Six: Find a suitable space for your harem.

Harems can become expensive. If you're a barbarian on a budget, don't count on finding a cheap seraglio for rent. Cohabitating also engenders a sense of cabin fever sooner or later. That is what you people of future times call "drama."

It's generally easier for everyone to live apart. As they say, absence makes the twat grow moister. Nonetheless, you still will need to find a location for your orgies. Hotels often charge exorbitant fees for a well-appointed suite so don't bother.

I favor a small anonymous location with a bedroom, kitchen, and two bathrooms. Personally, I wish there were more 1BR/3BA apartments. Otherwise, there will always be a line for the shower.

The bed is usually the hardest part. A decent harem-bed measures at least twelve by fourteen feet. The behemoth mattress must be assembled inside the room where it will be used since you can't load one of these on a moving truck. Further, the workmen that build your bed will ask you a lot of intrusive questions. Is your harem really that interesting to the average male? Sigh...

It's much easier simply to get four king-size mattresses and lay them out on the floor of the bedroom. Buy lots of satin sheets and pillows. Pillows look good in a harem and don't cost very much at all. The makeshift bed will occupy most of the room but be sure to have a dresser for sex toys. And be sure each of your lovers gets her own drawer. Otherwise, you will never hear the end of disputes about lost or unreturned dildos.

Step Seven: Acquire inexhaustible stamina.

You probably will not make it to this step without astounding virility but it still deserves a few remarks. Only ambitious lovers should seek harems. The daily grind of perpetual intercourse can be very tiring for civilians.

Not everyone needs to devour a filet mignon seven days a week. I do. I personally enjoy an overamped pornographic lifestyle. Nonetheless, I admit to having bit off more than I can screw on several occasions. When a sexual icon dines at an all-you-can-fuck buffet of buxom wenches and dancing girls, he naturally loads more on his plate than can be enjoyed. Be sure to know your limitations. Any man who attempts to bed more than twelve women at the same time is a vulgarian.

The problem is not stamina. A qualified harem stud should be thoroughly schooled in the Eastern sex practices of the Tao or Tantra so that he can perform intercourse for hours without interruption. However, you have to make your lovers feel special. That means at least an hour of vaginal sex with each member every day. You also will be getting her off with your tongue and fingers while studding with her bedmates but don't underestimate the importance of the phallus. She wants you inside of her.

I digress. If you are not an erotic superhero, then at least be sure that you are able to handle the fuckload of a harem. Loving sex is not enough. You must feel that the carnal satisfaction of womankind is a divine mission that must be fulfilled several times a day. Remember, the more time you spend fucking a girl, the less time you will be arguing with her.

Step Eight: Become a natural leader.

I don't mean this in a chauvinistic way. A single female with a harem of men also would need to lead them. Such are the nature of social hierarchies. Harems are not democracies. As the default alpha male, your women will look upon you for guidance and inspiration. You will humbly reciprocate by fucking them into cross-eyed oblivion.

Let me emphasize that leading is distinct from domination or oppression. Your harem should respect you out of lust, not fear. A commanding presence will prove essential in group sex encounters. However, that does not mean you must order your lovers about the bed like a choreographer.

Your role is appropriately summed up by the term cockswain. In naval terminology, the cockswain was an officer in charge of a boat. He oversaw its navigation and steering. The cockswain also was responsible for motivating the crew and ensuring their safety. Accordingly, an orgy involves so many sensual events occurring so quickly that you will be unable to keep track of everything, let alone control it.

Instead, you can help influence the direction of your sexual congress and keep its energy level at a fever pitch. If you detect a lowering of morale in one of your members, nip it in the bud. I mean that literally. A few well-placed flicks of the tongue against her clit always seems to help.

Everyone in your harem shares the common goal of sexual bliss. However, you must be mindful of how emotions may interfere with a healthy expression of carnal desire. For instance, a concubine may resent another because her colleague has larger breasts or can deep throat you silly. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Praise the special qualities of every girl every day.

More importantly, encourage your lovers to help each other. Let's imagine you are fucking one girl on all fours from behind. Sensual courtesy dictates a companion should slide headfirst underneath her prone body and tongue her swollen clit. You will make her come anyway but compassionate gestures deserve admiration.

Step Ten: Assemble Additional Harems

Since you're not committing to a single woman, why commit to a single harem? Playing the field is the nature of courtship. Relationships are complex and do not always end happily. By following the previous nine steps, you should be able to build two or three harems and find out which one is most compatible with your tastes.

Yes, this sort of behavior can be a delicate matter. You don't want your harems to grow envious of each other. However, I assure you this rivalry is quite a bit milder than intra-harem jealousy. In fact, a little competition helps instill a sense of solidarity between members. Remember, harems are all about teamwork. Concubines that unite in the face of losing their man often prove the most dedicated lovers.

In conclusion, don't get discouraged if you have trouble following these steps. Sometimes your harem just isn't that much in to you...

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by Samson_6905/28/17


Thanks for posting my mini-guide to harem management.

Having transitioned from a 12th Century barbarian gigolo to a 21st Century celebrity porn star (due to literary reincarnation), I canmore...

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