Bumblefuck Cat Toss

This is an elongated version of the winning flash fiction piece from the first unofficial Quick n' Dirty AH competition. It also happens to be my first attempt at writing humour. I hope you all enjoy it as much as my fellow AHers seemed to.

Nothing is true and no one is innocent.

*

The last time I worked in a restaurant, it was a dingy truck stop in Bumblefuck, Ohio. They sold a lot of hamburgers. And I do mean a lot - part of my job as prep cook was to take twenty pound blocks of ground beef and turn them into piles of quarter pound patties. I had to do this damn near daily, and I had to do it quickly. There were other tasks to be accomplished, ya know? So I'd often make quite a mess of things and end up leaving at the end of the day, worn out and conquered by the food, with scraps of greasy raw meat clinging to the tread of my boots. My roommate's kittens loved me. They'd curl themselves around my boots, kicking and fighting to pick out the tiny bits of beef. Thinking back, that was pretty disgusting. But the cats were happy.

One night, I'd just gotten home from work. I was beat and needed a drink before I hopped in the shower. I plopped down at the computer to check my email while I sucked on a beer and tossed back a shot of whiskey. As luck would have it, that's when the phone rang. My girlfriend was still saving cash to move out to Bumblefuck and had her final semester of school to finish. We hadn't had a chance to talk in a few days, so I answered the phone hoping it would be her.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby, how was work?"

"The usual. I'm tired and smell a bit like a slaughterhouse."

She giggled.

"And how's school going?"

"Exams are over. We're going to the bar tonight."

"Oh yeah? What are you wearing?"

I couldn't help myself. We didn't usually resort to phone sex, but somehow it seemed appropriate as I sat there, beer in hand and a kitten suckling the sole of each boot.

"Well... Right now, my red corset. The one with the lace."

"Yum. Your tits look great in that."

"And my little leather skirt..."

"Your ass is so spankable in that!"

"And my boots..."

"Oh god, the thigh highs?"

"Yeah." And she giggled again, the tease.

I'd seen her wear all of them, so it was easy to picture what she looked like just then. I told her how I was touching myself, and it sounded like she was getting into it. Before long, most of her side of the conversation had been whittled down to grunts and moans.

"Come on, baby. Come for me."

"So close... goddamn..."

Apparently, one of the kittens got excited about my hand moving around in my lap. It jumped up, latching onto my fingers with its pointy little claws.

"Oh, fuck! Get off of me!"

I flung around wildly, trying to disengage the tiny terrorist from my hand. Meanwhile, its sibling had decided to join in the fun and scrambled up my leg for a better vantage point of the Bumblefuck Cat Toss. My girlfriend had snapped out of sexy mode and was trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"What the hell is going on!?"

Kitten number two thought it would be fun to alternate between swatting at my quickly diminishing anatomy and taking swings at kitten number one when my flailing brought it close enough. Oh hell, I'll just call them Adolf and Eva - I swear they'd planned the attack, furry nazis camouflaged in cuteness.

So, Eva took aim; the way my night was going, I'm sure you can guess her target.

I'll admit it, I screamed like a girl; a little girl who'd just had the itsy bitsy spider climb up and bite her where the sun don't shine.

"Cat claws. Oh shit!"

"Cat claws? What? Calm down."

Just my luck, that's when my roommate walked into the room. I was mortified, with my equipment exposed and a kitten in my lap.

"What the fuck are you doing with my cats? Dude, that's just wrong."

"Wait, I can exp... Owww! A little help here?"

He gathered the furry little bioweapons and left the room, shaking his head.

I ended up having to find a new roommate, and there were no longer any cute but evil kittens to fight over the leftovers in my boots.

My girl went out to celebrate, confused and annoyed with me. From what I hear, she ended up drunk and went home with some freaky goth chick. She won't answer my calls anymore; I never did get a chance to explain what had actually happened, since she hung up as soon as the roommate walked in and put the wrong idea in her head.

Oh well. The cat scratches eventually healed, and at least I still had a job.