Burning Bridges

I lost him because of one stupid mistake. A mistake he can't forgive me for.

To understand us, you need to know our past. Doug and I started dating in high school. He was a sophomore and I was just a freshman. I knew I loved him from the moment we first kissed.

We went all through high school together and I knew we would end up getting married. Three months after I graduated, we had our wedding. I'm sure my parents were thrilled. First, they were glad I was out of their house and second, because we didn't have to get married. As good little Southern Baptists, I think they were afraid I was gonna get knocked up.

My parents and I were always arguing. They loved Doug but didn't like my lifestyle. The sex and drinking was too much for them. Of course they knew I'd never do that with anyone but Doug.

He was all I'd ever wanted. He's always been who I thought was my soul mate. Even when I messed up, it had nothing to do with my love for him. Although he doesn't see it that way. All he sees is the betrayal. He doesn't understand that when I see how bad he hurts, I die too.

Doug has always been my rock. Whenever I would lose control, he was always there, until now. Most people think he's shy and quiet but I know better. What he really is...is a volcano! He's always calm on the outside but inside it can just build and build until he explodes! I've seen it happen several times but rarely ever in public.

One time it happened in front of a bunch of our classmates. We'd gone to a keg party and had been drinking when this jerk, Jerry Whitmore, grabbed my ass. I turned around and slapped him. Then the drunk asshole grabbed me and tried to feel me up.

He must've had a death wish to do that in front of Doug. Even though Doug ain't the biggest guy, he's strong and in real good shape. Jerry didn't even get a punch in before Doug had him on the ground, sitting on him and pounding his face. It took three guys to pull Doug off him and when they did there was blood everywhere.

Doug messed him up pretty bad and there was talk of charging Doug. But, then I threatened to file sexual assault charges against Jerry and everything was dropped. Needless to say, I never had a problem with any other guy after that.

Like I said earlier, Doug and I got married right after I graduated. It was the happiest time that I can remember. He was already working as a mechanic in one of his father's garages and I went to beauty school.

Soon, we had enough money saved to buy our first house. It wasn't much, just a little two bedroom, matchbox house... but it was ours.

The first two years were tight since we didn't have much money. But we had each other and it was more than enough! I was so happy it seemed I was living in some fairytale.

Doug and I didn't have a perfect marriage but it sure seemed that way sometimes. We'd argue but then I'd pout or cry and he would give in most of the time. I didn't do that very often. I didn't want to take advantage of my Doug.

Our love was like a protective wall around us, keeping us safe from the outside world. I guess that's why I never saw the danger until it was too late

When Billy was evicted from his trailer our problems started. He had no place to stay since, at the time, he was arguing with his and Doug's parents. Even though they didn't want him staying with them again so soon after the last time, they didn't want him on the street either. They asked us if he could stay with us for a few weeks until they could get him into another rehab center.

I said okay, but Doug said no. I knew Doug had lots of issues with his family, most of them he had a right to be pissed about.

Doug's parents, Tom and Paula, are pretty decent folk. They were just unlucky enough to have a son that was a mess. That mess tore their family apart and then killed mine as well.

Billy was always the loud one, the one who'd do almost anything on a dare. While Doug, on the other hand, was that quiet force always standing in the background but you always knew was there. Together they were a team. That lasted until Doug went to high school.

In high school, Doug started hanging around his friends and football teammates more. Billy reacted by being even more an attention hound. Soon, it was obvious Billy was gonna try to be a 'bad boy' or some kinda rebel.

It ain't a surprise Billy started hanging around the druggies. Doug and I were dating by then and I knew it tore Doug up watching Billy fall down that hole.

Billy was a full-fledged addict by the time he was a freshman. He'd already torn the family up pretty good by then. He dropped out the same year Doug graduated.

Doug's parents tried everything but didn't know what to do with Billy. They tried sweet-talking, bribing, threatening, and finally, they tried some 'tough love.' Billy simply used it as an excuse to drop out of school. After that, Tom and Paula ended up caving into him on just about everything.

While I understood their problem, it then became all about Billy. They did everything for him and basically left Doug to fend for himself most of the time. I know that really hurt Doug.

Billy was just hell-bent on destroying his life. It was too bad because he could've been something special. My Doug's a good looking guy but everyone agrees Billy would've been better looking when he grew up. Unfortunately, with the drug addiction, no one will ever know.

Doug tried a bunch of times to reach out to Billy. Billy's response was to steal from his brother and their parents then buy more drugs. When Billy turned eighteen Doug stopped trying.

We'd been married about two-and-a-half-years when Billy got evicted. I'll admit Tom, Paula, and I were pretty relentless on trying to get Doug to change his mind.

I think Tom and Paula felt they were out of options and I think they needed to ease their guilt. They didn't want Billy to come back to live with them again. They had just thrown him out several months earlier after he'd stolen a bunch of money from them. I wanted Doug to change his mind because you can't just turn your back on family, also, it was getting close to Christmas and it would've been a horrible holiday with Billy living on the street.

It was just a few days after Christmas, when I let my fairytale marriage come crashing down.

Doug had called and told me he was trying to fix the transmission for a middle-aged, single mother of three there in town. It was her only car, so he and one of the other guys were gonna work through the night to get it fixed for her. Damn, I love him.

I got home late from the beauty salon that night. When I walked into the house I almost gagged. The smoke from Billy's weed was like a fog. I walked over and pounded on the bedroom door but he didn't answer me. Pissed off, I opened up some windows and then went to take a shower.

After my shower, I got ready for bed. The smell of smoke still reeked, but I needed to shut the windows because it was cold outside. After shutting the windows, I went and banged on Billy's door again. This time he answered.

The way he looked scared me. His eyes were bright red and I couldn't tell if it was from the smoke or if he'd been crying. He had such a look of despair and gloom I really started worrying about him.

He turned around, walked back over by the bed, and sat on the floor next to his bong. I stepped in and immediately felt a rush from the smoke. I'd smoked pot on occasion so I was familiar with what it was doing to me.

I went and got a fan and brought it back into the room. I opened a window and set the fan to start blowing the smoke out. Billy just sat there mumbling. When I was done, I sat down next to him. Even though that night is fuzzy, I'm sure I remember the way things happened. I remember I started in on him.

"Dammit Billy!" I said. "If Doug smells this when he gets home, he'll kick your ass out."

"Maybe that would be for the best," he mumbled.

When I looked at him I saw such sadness. It was like he'd given up.

"Hell, it don't matter anyway," he sighed, while tilting his head back and looking at the ceiling. "I'm dyin' anyway."

I was shocked. It took me a few seconds to respond.

"Oh shit Billy, do you got AIDS?"

He snorted and shook his head.

"Nah, I hate needles. But it's the other way of gettin' it that's proof I'm dyin'."

He looked at me and must've seen my confusion. With a deep sad sigh he answered my unspoken question.

"I... I... ah shit," he started. "Even with some of the skanks I hang around, I couldn't catch AIDS that way, even if I tried."

He sat there watching me as it finally dawned on me what he meant. When it did, I couldn't believe it. I mean hell, he'd just turned 19!

"Did... did you like, go to a doctor?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "He said it was the drugs. Hell, I checked out clean for STDs and AIDS but it don't make a whole lot of difference now does it? I can't usually get it up and when I do, I can't keep it hard for very long. I can barely scrape enough money together to feed my habit so buying some little blue pills ain't likely. Hell, if I can't be much of a man, I might as well end it. So getting thrown out by my lucky big brother really doesn't mean shit."

We sat quietly for a few minutes. I'm ashamed that I began to think of ways to help and most of them I knew Doug wouldn't approve of.

"Doug's not really lucky, he just works hard," I said.

"That ain't what I was talking about," he mumbled. Billy looked at me with tears in his eyes.

"Then what?" I asked softly.

"I was talking about you," he whispered.

I know I blushed. I turned my head so he couldn't see it.

"Doug's always been lucky because of you. You give him the strength to do what he needs to do. If it wasn't for you, he'd be just as big of a fuck-up as I am. So yeah, he's lucky. If I'd found someone like you, things would've been different."

He buried his head in his hands and sighed.

I know he was stroking my ego. At least I do now. Then... well things are hazy. I think it was the smoke, since it was still pretty heavy in the room. If I could do it all over, I would've got up and left right there... but I didn't. What I did was open the door to the end of my marriage.

I looked over at him and I saw a broken kid, someone who didn't have a reason to live. My heart broke as I saw his pain. I reached over and put my arms around him and hugged him.

He put his head on my shoulder and I gently stroked his hair. After a few minutes, he reached up and gently touched my cheek, and then he kissed me, softly.

"Billy," I whispered. "You shouldn't..."

"Please Teresa," he begged softly. "I've never kissed a good woman before. Please."

I know I should've stopped it right there, but I froze. I didn't kiss him back but I didn't stop him either.

He kissed me again and reached around me and pulled me tight. I didn't respond. I guess he thought my lack of response was a green light.

His kisses grew in passion while his hands caressed me underneath my t-shirt. When one hand slipped down between my legs, I flinched.

"Billy," I whispered.

"Please Teresa, I need a reason to live."

Was that a line? Of course it was! But I actually believed he was on the edge of despair. Whether I was stoned or just stunned by the moment, I didn't get up, I didn't scream, I didn't kick, or do the things I should've if I wanted to fight for my marriage. Instead, I just sat there confused, torn on what I should do.

After he stroked me for a minute, he slowly pushed me back onto the floor. He spread my legs and pushed my panties to the side. I'm not sure when he undid his jeans but I felt him push into me.

I wasn't completely ready for him and his entry was uncomfortable. He slid into me fully as my body slowly responded. As he began pumping into me, I almost laughed. With me just lying there, I thought of the image of a dog dry humping someone's leg.

I could feel him having trouble maintaining an erection. Soon it was obvious he wasn't gonna be able to finish the job.

He sat back and I remember that I'd never seen a face before in so much torment. He actually began to cry. It was then I made my decision.

I remember thinking that the damage had already been done, I'd allowed Billy to cross a line that Doug would never forgive. Even though I hadn't made love to Billy, I hadn't stopped him from having sex with me either. Since I was already lost, I knew some good had to come out of this. I reached out and gently touched Billy.

"Come here," I said softly.

I took his hand as we stood up and pushed him onto the bed. I stripped off my panties and t-shirt and removed the rest of his clothes.

He just lay on his back, staring at me quietly.

I got his attention when I began to revive his erection with my mouth and tongue and soon he was moaning his pleasure. I crawled up on the bed and allowed him to touch and caress me as I continued to stroke him.

Soon, I had him strong enough for me to take him. I straddled him like a horse and guided him into me. Slowly, I began to grind myself into him creating a rhythm.

It wasn't 'making love.' There were no tender words or touches. Those were saved for my husband, this was just... sex.

As I rode him, I felt him begin to lose some of his hardness, so I increased the speed. I won't tell you I wasn't enjoying it, but it wasn't the incredible sex I usually had with my Doug. And when I felt one of his fingers begin to play with my ass, I felt I needed to make yet another decision.

Doug and I had tried anal sex a couple of times. I hated it. The second time I tried, it was a gift to my Doug on his birthday. He knew I didn't like it, so he never asked for it after that.

"Concentrate," I whispered as I brushed his hand away from my ass.

Doug had always told me, the more excited I got when we made love, the better it was for him. He said when I lost myself in our passion, it made him more excited and the more excited he was, the harder he got.

With a final conviction, I threw myself into what I was doing. I used every trick I'd learned from having sex with Doug those past five years. Everything I knew that turned my husband on, I tried on Billy. I even used the thought of having sex with someone I shouldn't, just to get me more excited.

As I ground myself into him, I felt his response immediately. He became hard as a rock as he drove himself up into me. I realized then that Billy was longer than my Doug but not as thick. Even with the extra length, he was no match for my husband.

Doug had the ability to drive me to an orgasm within minutes. He knew what I liked, what I wanted, and what I needed. He had something no other man will ever have... my love.

I began to whimper and say some of the things I said to Doug when we had sex. I begged Billy to do it harder and faster. As he obeyed, I began moaning as I felt myself race towards my climax. Then with a surprise, Billy exploded inside me. His action pushed me over the edge and I screamed out my release.

As I lay on top of him panting, I could hear him breathlessly whispering.

"Thank you, thank you... oh gawd thank you."

I lay there, knowing I accomplished something. I'd given hope to someone who didn't have any. Do you know how that feels? It feels incredible!

I rolled off Billy and stood up. It was at that point I came back to reality. I felt Billy's watery deposit escape and run down my leg. Then the magnitude of my betrayal hit me square in the face.

I quickly grabbed my clothes and started for the bedroom door. Billy called out to me.

"Teresa?"

I turned and stared at him as the tears began to fill my eyes.

"Never again Billy," I said softly. "This will never happen again and Doug can't ever know. You understand me? He can't know... ever!"

Billy nodded and lay back on the bed. He covered his face with his arms and I think I heard him begin to cry.

I went and took another shower. I tried to scrub myself clean on the outside. On the inside, I tried to justify my actions, but I couldn't. I hadn't set out to cheat on Doug but that's the way he'd see it. The fact it was with his brother would kill him.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I knew I'd changed us forever.

The next morning, Doug was furious. The smell of pot was still noticeable. He about threw Billy out right then and there. Why he didn't, I'm not really sure. I was a mess, still trying to get my emotions under control so Doug wouldn't think something was wrong.

That night, I made love to my Doug like there would be no tomorrow. In a way, I was scared there might not be. When he asked, I told him I'd had a nightmare that he'd left me. He was so kind and gentle with me that night I lost count of the orgasms. My Doug was mine and I was his again. I would never again, be so stupid.

Over the next few weeks I noticed Billy watching me but he never tried to talk to me alone. He moved out three weeks later.

Two weeks after he'd moved out, I discovered I was pregnant. Doug and I were thrilled. I honestly never believed the child wasn't Doug's. I mean, we'd had a very active sex life since we got married and probably did the nasty several times each week. So, I figured we'd done it at least twenty-five times since I'd been with Billy.

Not until Billy asked me if he might be the father did I start getting concerned. I learned much to my anger and embarrassment that Billy had already confessed to Tom and Paula what had happened. They weren't happy but they didn't throw me to the wolves either. After talking with them, we decided to let our secret die and pray Doug would never find out.

I was sick. I'd never kept anything from Doug before but I knew this would destroy him. Every night I prayed the child was his and he'd never find out. The day that doctor said there was a problem with the baby, I knew my prayers weren't answered.

He said it could be fixed with surgery. But, depending on how bad it was, they might have to do surgery right after it was born.

When he said that kinda birth defect had been linked to coke abuse, my heart stopped beating. He asked me if I did drugs and I told him absolutely not! Then, he asked Doug the same thing and said they had studies showing if the father was a drug user it could cause defects too. I almost died right there.

Doug started to come unglued until the doctor told him that when it came to birth defects they didn't know anything for sure. But I knew right then the seed of doubt had been planted.

Over the next few months, I tried to assure Doug that it was his without letting him know there was a possibility it wasn't. He never came right out and asked. I knew I was holding onto just a glimmer of hope the baby really was Doug's, but there weren't any other options.

After the baby was born, all hell broke loose. Doug got a DNA test and found out that Billy was the daddy. He threw my stuff out of the house that day. Not surprisingly, my parents disowned me and I ended up moving in with Doug's parents.

Doug wouldn't even talk to me for two weeks. He finally agreed to meet with me after his parents had been after him daily for almost a week. I know our 'talk' was one-sided but I had to get my husband to listen to me. He had to see how sorry I was and how much I needed him.

I pleaded and begged, pouted and shouted, screamed and cried. I would've stood on my head if I would've thought it would make Doug listen and understand. He really is my life, my love, my soul mate. I tried everything I could think of but my husband just wasn't listening.

I begged him to forgive me and told him that it was just a bad mistake. I explained it was just a 'mercy fuck' and didn't mean anything. I even told him the God's-honest truth that it wasn't near as good as when we did it. Still, I got almost no response. All he would say to me was 'you slept with my brother and had his kid.'