Business & Pleasure Ch. 05bygiffmatt©
As the last of the police officers left her town house, Julie watched with tears in her eyes. Her husband of just under five years had left twenty minutes earlier for his brother's apartment several city blocks away. She knew that he would not be returning, ever. Julie had been genuinely frightened by the depth of Matt's rage when he discovered her sleeping naked with her equally naked black lover, Jason. She had been awakened by Matt's screams as he yanked an unsuspecting Jason from the bed and began pummeling him with his fists. It was like waking up to a nightmare. Julie had thought her husband was on his way across the country and that there was no chance of him interrupting the sexual tryst she had planned with Jason. Instead, a glitch at the last moment caused him to return home late into the night where he discovered the spent lovers asleep after they had exhausted one another.
Jason, who was at once very muscular and athletic, did his best to fend off the fury of Matt's attack. Julie later learned that Jason had left her and went directly to the hospital where x-rays revealed a broken nose and shattered cheekbone. He had called her from the hospital to see if she was okay, and he then apologized to her for what had happened. He told her that he should never have broken his own rule about fooling around with a married woman. Julie thanked him and told him it was probably not a good idea for him to return to check on her; and, he agreed that it wasn't. She assured him that she would be okay, that her sister was on her way over as they spoke. Jason told her that she could call him anytime, but that he wouldn't see her again unless he knew she and Matt had separated for good.
Julie knew from the instant Matt had left her for his brother's that she had to have family help to get her through this crisis. She also knew that Matt would never return to her, but she feared that her family would disown her if she told them the truth about her infidelity, about her being caught naked in bed with her black lover. The fact that Jason was black would make things even more difficult for her family to understand. So even before her sister arrived, Julie had concocted the first of many lies that placed the blame for what had transpired squarely on Matt's shoulders, and off her own.
For example, she told her sister, Megan, that Matt had been having a secret affair with another lawyer in his office for months, and that he used Jason's presence at their place as an excuse to end the marriage. Julie told her sister that Matt himself had invited Jason to stop in whenever he was in town, and that he also knew Jason would probably spend the night that very night. According to Julie, Matt had said he was disappointed that he would not be able to see Jason due to his business trip. Julie told her sister and her family and friends that Matt had come home while she and Jason were sitting in the living room having a drink, as Jason's flight from New York had arrived at the airport later than expected. She said that they were both fully clothed, and that Matt had clearly had had too much to drink before he got home. She said that when Matt arrived home he was argumentative, and insulting, and eventually combative with Jason. Things spiraled downward as Jason took exception to Matt's manner of behavior toward Julie and then to Jason himself.
Julie compounded these lies with others in her attempt to portray what had happened as Matt's fault. Her family bought everything she said, but expressed surprise that Matt would have been having a secret affair, since he always seemed so devoted to Julie. However, they also knew that Matt was an extremely handsome guy who was frequently hit on by members of the opposite sex. Thus, Julie's stories seemed believable.
During the first few weeks after Matt had left, Julie had tried repeatedly to contact him to apologize, to try to somehow work things out. When these ongoing attempts to speak with Matt failed, Julie told family and friends that it was not she who was throwing in the towel on the marriage, but rather Matt. She said he was not willing even to talk with her, and she said that she had heard that he was still seeing his girlfriend, and was considering moving in with her.
Julie's family and friends were very supportive during this time, and she got a great deal of sympathy from them. But the inner reality for Julie was that she was devastated by the break up of her marriage. She truly loved Matt; she missed him incredibly. She could not think of any sane reason why she had risked such a wonderful marriage to such an incredibly handsome and successful guy, whom she knew loved her so much. She cried easily and often. And, she longed for a chance to meet with Matt so she could explain how foolish she had been, and how sorry she was. She thought if he would just agree to talk with her, she might be able to convince him to give her another chance.
Frequently, Julie would wake up at night and experience the depression that accompanied the realization that Matt was gone from their bed. She often thought of how nice it would be to feel his wonderfully sculpted body lying atop of hers, making love to her. She missed Matt emotionally, and she missed him physically. He always slept naked, and Julie would love to feel his tightly muscled body next to hers. Often she would take his cock into her hands and it would swell instantly. Then they would play.
And, she recalled what a great cock he had. It fit his wonderful body perfectly, and as an added bonus, it had a very thick mushroom head which she loved sucking. She desperately wanted to make love to him. She thought if only she could do this, she might tempt him back home. At times like these, she remembered how he had kissed her and how wonderful it felt to have him fuck her. She had no idea why she had done what she did with Jason, but she hated herself for it. And she also secretly hated herself for lying about Matt to family and friends. She was terrified that the truth of how awful she had been would come out.
In the months following their break up, Julie hated it as word spread that she was single once again. Lots of guys tried to hit on her and wanted to date her. But she realized then what a great husband she had had, not only from the perspective of being a loving husband, but also from the perspective of his totally hot body and handsome face. Looking back on her affair with Jason, she realized that physically Jason and Matt were very much alike, but sexually Matt was really much more fulfilling for her because he was at once very aggressive sexually, but at the same time he was very loving and gentle with her.
Sex with Jason was a taboo that at first excited her, but she sensed that he was ultimately into humiliating her. In their final meeting, she felt very much like an object of pleasure for him, and he was not as tender as he had been. As she looked back on it, he no longer held any interest for her at all. No one even tempted her, and her depression deepened. What truly sent her into the deepest depths of depression was the afternoon she received notification from Matt's attorney that divorce papers had been filed. This, more than anything else, stunned Julie. She cried for hours. She just couldn't believe it had come to this.
As time wore on, it began to become clear to Julie's family and friends that indeed Matt did not have another woman in his life. Everyone who had seen or talked to him realized that he too was devastated by what had happened. And he was very angry about what he said were Julie's lies about what had really happened. In fact, some of Julie and Matt's mutual friends said he seemed as depressed about the whole break up as she did. Her family and friends started to say that there had to be pieces of the story that Julie had left out.
In fact, her sister visited the police precinct in Boston, which had responded to Julie's hysterical call for help on the night Matt had found Julie and Jason together. None of the several officers who were present that night would tell Megan anything, but she suspected that their silence meant that there was more to tell. She waited for the female officer who had been present to come out of the station, and then she pleaded with the woman to tell her anything that she could. The officer looked Julie's sister in the eyes and said simply, "Matt is telling the truth." Then she turned and walked away.
When Megan confronted Julie with what the officer had told her, Julie burst into tears. This was the second horrible piece of news Julie had received that day. Hours earlier at her doctor's office she had also learned that indeed her period was not late due to tension, but rather she was in fact about six weeks pregnant. Her mind was on overload, and now the truth about what had happened would be out and compounded by the news of her pregnancy. Julie spilled everything to Megan. Megan listened in silent horror to what her sister was telling her.
Megan agreed to keep silent about all of this for the time being. But, she made Julie swear that she would form a plan to tell the truth to everyone at some point in the near future. The pregnancy was a new complication that would be a secret that Megan and Julie would hold in common as long as they could. Julie knew in her heart that the baby was Jason's, not Matt's.
For his part, Matt was incredibly depressed for months following his discovery of Julie and Jason. The sense of betrayal he felt was overwhelming. He had loved Julie so much, and every time he thought about that night and finding her naked in bed with Jason, Matt felt sick to his stomach. It was the most hurtful thing he had ever experienced. But, he knew that he had made the right decision to leave her and to have nothing to do with her, especially when he learned of her lies about him. For Matt, her lies made the sense of betrayal worse and the depression even deeper. How could he have married someone like her. She didn't seem like the same person he had loved so completely.
His depression was mixed with deep anger, and he found himself on the verge of tears and rage often. He missed Julie and what they had had together so much. Fortunately, his brother Seth kept Matt very busy with going to the gym and with hitting the local bars on weekends. But his heart was not where his body was. The workouts he could do, and he was glad in a way because going to the gym for a couple of hours each day took his mind off his situation. However, going to bars and dealing with women coming on to him did not interest him at all. Nevertheless, gradually, over a period of months, he began to move on. And as he did, his anger and scorn for Julie's behavior and lies intensified. He told himself that she had somehow changed, and that she was not worth any further thought on his part.
His parents were so concerned that they made him promise to keep three appointments with a therapist. They had been very fearful, they told Matt later, that he would kill himself. At first, Matt acquiesced just to get his parents off his back. But after two sessions, he decided to continue. The counseling did help a lot, and he kept it up for about six months, and then tapered his sessions down to about once per month.
Into the seventh month away from Julie, Matt began to date various women he had known. It was strange to do this after so many years, but it was a start for him. Eventually, he started having sex again, but he found it somewhat disappointing. None of the women he went out with could compare with Julie, and he had not yet found anyone with whom he even thought he could ever come close to loving the way he had loved Julie. Sex with Julie had always been an intensely pleasurable experience for Matt. She was so hot, and she seemed so into doing it with him. He thought she felt the same way about sex with him. Somehow, after finding her with Jason, he felt as though he was inadequate in some way. He had never, ever felt that way in high school or college. But she had shaken his confidence in himself.
Gradually, he realized that he was more than adequate, and his self-confidence returned. And, once word got out that he was dating, the number of women who were after him was incredible. Little by little, he adjusted to the changes in his life. He found himself fearful of getting too close to anyone however. He knew this was Julie's fault, and he thought that maybe this would change with time as well.
Meanwhile, because of all of the stress that had been introduced into Julie's life, she finished the semester at law school, but did not return for the second semester of her second year. Instead, she began work in a law firm as a paralegal, and she hoped that she could finish her law studies in a year or so. She no longer had money to pay for school, and since Matt's family owned the town house that they had shared, she finally moved from there five months after the separation.
While Julie had lots of interest from guys who wanted to date her, she did no dating at all. She was plagued by problems associated with her secret pregnancy; she was still totally depressed by the mess she had made of her life, and she was hoping against hope that Matt would someday come around. As the months passed, she realized that this was not a realistic hope, and this realization brought on a new wave of depression. Fortunately for Julie, her sister Megan was a great help to her. In fact, it was Megan who arranged for Julie to see a therapist in the hopes that she could begin to work out some of her many issues.
Two weeks after Julie moved from the town house, she delivered her baby three months prematurely. She had told no one but Megan about the pregnancy. She did not know whose child she was carrying, but she had determined that she would do her best by that child no matter who was the father. Her innermost desire was that the child would be Matt's, and she hoped that the baby would be her link to him forever. The baby died within hours of birth due to complications associated with its lungs. The baby was clearly biracial. A week later, Julie called Jason to share the news. He was sensitive and kind. He was very interested in getting together with Julie since it was clear she and Matt had split. However, Julie told him she just had no interest in doing so.
Staying in counseling for the next seven months helped Julie immensely. Things did not change between her and Matt, but she had achieved a much better understanding of herself, especially after her pregnancy ended. During this time, Julie realized that Megan was right about making a clean start, and telling everyone the truth about what had really happened, and about how none of it was Matt's fault. Fourteen months after the breakup of their marriage, Julie and Matt were officially divorced. It had cost her nothing financially, but emotionally it was perhaps her lowest point since the death of her baby.
Little by little, Julie was getting back on track with her life. She had managed to start law school once again and was about to finally finish that journey. In addition, she had even gone on a couple of dates, but she felt empty inside still because she continued to miss Matt and what they had. But, she also knew that she had to move on because it was over. She was making progress, but sometimes she had setbacks.
Once, while eating lunch with Megan, Julie spied Matt enter the restaurant with an incredibly hot looking young woman who seemed as though she was completely taken with him. Julie was sure Matt had seen her, but he totally ignored her presence. It might very well have been a business lunch, but in Julie's mind all she could imagine was Matt naked in bed with this remarkably beautiful lady. This was the first time she had seen him in over a year, and she simply could not believe how good he looked. He had clearly been working out seriously, and if it was possible, Matt looked even hotter now than he had two years ago. He had let his hair get quite a bit longer, and he looked so sexy she thought. Seeing him looking so good, and seeing him with such a beautiful woman, was too much for Julie. She broke down sobbing, and had to leave before finishing.
It was after this that Julie decided that it was time for her to be honest about things. She admitted to herself that her predicament was totally her fault, and that the only thing she had left was her integrity. She decided to repair that as best as she could. So, just shy of the two year point after their break up, Julie wrote her letter.
Spending hours on the composition of her letter, Julie finally felt comfortable with the end product. She addressed it to Matt's family, to her own family, and to some close friends whom Matt and she had shared in common two years earlier. Essentially, she prefaced what she said with a note indicating that she was writing to everyone for two important reasons. First, she needed very much to set the record straight about things she had said about Matt immediately after the two of them separated nearly two years earlier. She also indicated that it was time for her to apologize not only to Matt but to his family, to her own family, and to their friends for her lack of sincerity.
So, without going into the sordid details of her infidelity, Julie finally confirmed that everything that Matt had said about finding her with Jason was factual and truthful. She went on to explain that her lies about Matt were founded in her own incredible embarrassment for her behavior in the matter, and in her fear that family and friends would disown her for her horrible actions. Julie further described briefly how wonderful her marriage to Matt had been, how incredible he had been to have as a husband, and how sorry she was for what she had done to him. She also noted that she realized that her apology was very much overdue, and that it could not undo the damage she had done. But, she said she hoped that at the very least it would serve to clear any doubts on the part of anyone regarding what a terrific guy Matt had been.
Megan looked over her sister's letter and responded by hugging her. "Julie, I'm so sorry any of this happened. This had to be tough for you to do. And, you're right, it won't undo anything, but I think everyone will have to respect you more for it. I'm not sure what Matt will think, but I have to believe that even if he never talks to you again, he will know that the Julie he used to know is finally back again."
Julie did not send the same letter to Matt. The one she wrote to him was much more difficult. She had started and restarted her letter to him at least fifty times. But when she was done with it, she felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Julie did not really believe that Matt would ever read her letter. She hoped he would because she really yearned for him to sense the depth of her sorrow for how cruel she had been. Nevertheless, she sealed it and sent it, sensing that this really was like the final chapter in their relationship.
Julie began her letter by simply asking Matt to bear with her one final time and to read what she had to say. She opened with a thank you to Matt for having been such a loving and devoted husband and boyfriend before that. She told Matt that she could not explain what ever possessed her to be unfaithful to him and to have sex with Jason. But for this too, she took responsibility. She told Matt that it was she who had started with Jason, and not the other way around. She told Matt that it was only when he left her that she began to appreciate what she had had and what she had lost.
Apologizing for her many lies immediately after their separation, Julie explained that she was at once desperately embarrassed by what she had done as well as very afraid of the scorn she knew people would have for her if the truth were out. For these lies, she said she was especially sorry because they further added to the hurt she had caused Matt. She said that while she knew she could never undo what she had done, she told Matt that her deepest regret in her entire life would always be how horribly she had treated him. She also told him that she would always love him, and that she knew she could never be in love anyone as much as she had been in love with him.