...But Your Enemies Closer

I never let anyone in though. The scars of my past, and the people that had laid them into my soul, never just disappeared. So even though I had friends, none of them really knew me. I couldn't ever let them get too close.

It wasn't until my second year of college that I finally let someone into the steel walls that surrounded my heart without even being aware of the fact -- and her name was Hayley.

Generally, you met new people in one of two ways during the college experience. There's classes that always led to longer, stronger friendships because of the mutual interests or there's the old 'a friend of a friend whose second cousin was my old roommate' routine. I met Hayley through the first avenue thankfully.

I had finally narrowed down my career options away from the 'traditional' art route to focus on advertising instead. I had always found that I was quite business savvy when I put my mind to it and figured I could kill two birds with one stone by going down this way instead of trying to sell my work in a gallery and living out the whole starving artist thing. It didn't stop me from taking way more classes for art in general than was necessary though -- I did still love the rush I got from drawing after all.

Hayley and I became acquainted in one of the advanced classes I was taking. She was an incredible artist that specialized in paintings and unlike me, she was more than happy to live the lifestyle of starving artist -- in fact, she embraced it like it was her destiny. The whole concept was very romantic to her. It was as if her soul was stuck in the bohemian revolution or something.

That was perhaps what I found very appealing about her however. She wasn't like most of the people I had met in my college experience. She wasn't in it for the money or the prestige, she simply wanted to create great work and reinvent the way people looked at art in general. A lofty goal, but one that was worth stretching for in my opinion.

Of course, it wasn't only her spirit that attracted me to Hayley. She had the most soulful hazel eyes, brown with flecks of green and gold that seemed to sparkle when she was in a particularly good mood. Her chestnut hair was like spun silk and the softest that I had ever touched in my life. And her smile, my God, it was the most vibrant and appealing smile ever to grace someone's face.

In short, Hayley was perfect. Which was exactly why I was so cautious in getting to know her -- let alone, allow her anywhere near my heart. Unfortunately -- or fortunately depending on the way you looked at the situation -- for me, Hayley had completely different ideas.

After a few weeks of smiles and simple greetings, Hayley turned to me and asked if I wanted to go out for coffee after class. I was sure that she just wanted to discuss the current project we had or perhaps exchange ideas for recreational compositions. There wasn't any other reason I could see her asking.

When I brought this up however, she just laughed lightly and put a hand on my arm, "No, no, no. I meant would you like to go out for coffee, as in would you like to go out with me?"

"Oh." I said quite lamely.

This was a first for me so I was hoping my pathetic behavior would be excused. Never in my life had I been asked out and especially not by someone with the caliber of looks that Hayley possessed -- and especially not by someone of my own sex. It made me wonder if she was batting in the dark or if she had known of my preferences from the get go.

"Not interested?" Hayley asked with a raise of her brow and a small smile. She didn't seem affected in the least by my idiotic response to her question.

"No!" I quickly backpedaled, "I mean, yes, I'm interested!"

Hayley's smile grew and her features morphed into that of authentic amusement at my behavior. Maybe she was into the whole bumbling idiot thing. I could be so lucky.

"Wonderful." She said simply.

I had no idea what to expect about going out with Hayley. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do or say and so I ended up quiet and a bit detached to the whole situation. The beautiful brunette didn't take this as a sign of me being uninterested thankfully. She just prodded gently at me and eventually got me talking about my love of art -- the one thing she knew we both had in common -- and I was pretty much gone after that.

Hayley was very aware I was damaged goods just by the way I held myself. The way that I walked and talked and did just about anything. I think she found that endearing about me though. I was no different from her ideals about being a starving artist -- perhaps not what society would normally accept, but still beautiful and romantic in her eyes.

She never asked me about the things in my past that made it hard for me to open up and I was happy about that at the time. As I got older, I wished she would have pried just a tad more but in the throes of young love, all I cared about was her acceptance of who I was. It was all I had desired throughout my life and finally I was getting a taste of that happiness I had been told that I would never achieve.

To hell with Becca Knox and her opinions.

Despite not knowing or discussing what my internal scars were Hayley had an idea on how to cover them up. We had been dating for about six months or so when she brought the proposal up to me -- a makeover. A new look for the new life I was living essentially. However, I was not very receptive to the idea at first.

"A makeover? Really? What's wrong with how I look now?" I asked her with a slight edge to my voice. Already my defenses were going up at the thought.

"Nothing at all. I just thought it might give you a new outlook on things, maybe even a new attitude toward your life." Hayley explained.

I drew aimless patterns on her naked skin and laid my head back on her chest as I mulled this over. She was clever to bring this up right after we had made love. If there were ever a time that my defenses were down it would definitely be right now.

"What did you have in mind?" I mumbled and felt her shrug underneath me.

"I didn't really have a plan, but I can think of a few things that would do the trick." Hayley twirled a lock of my blonde hair in her fingers, "Maybe we could start with a haircut. I was thinking something shorter than what you have now."

I lifted my chin and set her with a pointed look, "I'm not butch you know."

"Oh no, not that short." She closed one eye and brought two fingers through my hair as if she was measuring it out for a cut, stopping when it was just under my chin, "About there I think."

"Okay." I replied slowly. It didn't seem that bad. At least if it was done right. "Anything else?"

Hayley smiled now that I was getting into this idea, "We could get you to start dressing more professionally."

"Now there's something wrong with how I dress?"

My brunette girlfriend kissed the tip of my nose and giggled, "Always so defensive about new ideas aren't you baby? I didn't mean it like that at all. It was more like...planning for the future. Do you really think they'll let you wear jeans and a t-shirt in all those meetings you'll have to attend someday?"

I grumbled about her logic and hid my face against her skin once more. Hayley chuckled at my defeat and ran her hands through my hair. "I will miss doing this though, but I'm sure I'll get used to it."

"Mmm." I hummed and settled against her more comfortably. Her hands were working magic and softly lulling me into a very content sleep against her warm skin.

Within the coming weeks, Hayley helped me transition my look into the grand plan she had. I could tell she was painting my new look like I was one of her blank canvases during the makeover. She had an idea in her head on how to turn me into a beautiful picture and I'll be damned if she didn't do a hell of a job. After it was all said and done, I actually felt pretty for the first time in my life. It was a strange concept for me to grasp.

Unfortunately, the happiness I felt with the lively brunette wouldn't be one that lasted through the ages, as I once believed. The longer we were together the more we seemed to drift apart. She had certain dreams that began to seem less appealing and more ridiculous to me, while her own opinions about my future were just as unpleasant. I was nothing more than a corporate puppet in the making to Hayley.

By the time that the ink dried on my diploma, Hayley and I were nothing but a memory. I didn't let it deter me from the course I had set for myself at all. I was still determined to be successful and make something of myself despite all of the people in my life that had told me otherwise, I just wasn't going to have her at my side when I did it anymore.

The only real repercussion of our relationship was the walls I built around my heart again. It was nice while it lasted, but I realized that relationships just weren't something that fit me. I was much better off keeping the world at arm's length and focusing solely on what I could do for myself. That way nothing could really get under my skin and hurt me in the end. All in all, it was a damn good plan that took me quite far.

Despite being wet behind the ears in my field of choice, I found a company that was just as green as I -- Zendex Media. We hit it off spectacularly and before I knew it, I was living my dream. I was doing something that was meaningful and I was doing it well.

Everything was working out for me exactly how I wanted it too. All the pieces were finally fitting into place after so many years of disasters and torment. Everything was right.

That was until a tall statuesque brunette walked into my office one day in search of a job and just happened to come knocking on my door -- motherfucking Becca Knox.

Chapter Seven: Emily

"You're kidding me right?" Emily asked with a blank stare.

Rebecca had to be joking. There was no way she was being honest. However, by the red flush creeping up her neck to fill out her cheeks in a healthy pink shade, Emily concluded that she was not kidding.

"Winifred." Emily repeated back to the brunette. "Your middle name is Winifred." Rebecca nodded. "Why do your parents hate you?"

Rebecca looked away and rubbed the back of her neck, "It's not that bad." She mumbled out, quite unconvincingly. "And it's a family name. My great grandmother's name was Winifred."

"And I'm sure it fit with her and the time she was living in. I don't see it with you though." Emily shrugged, trying her best not to just burst out laughing like she wanted so badly to. She didn't want to slight the brunette's feelings though, especially after sharing something personal.

"Okay what's your middle name then?" Rebecca asked and lifted her chin with an air of defiance. "I'm sure it just fits you perfectly, right?"

Emily shrugged, "It's Alexis."

It wasn't a big deal to tell Rebecca about her own name. Whether it fit or not was completely irrelevant really. It wasn't embarrassing and that was all that mattered. Besides, Emily was sure that her parents hadn't spent more than twenty minutes naming her. They probably just picked a name a piece out of a book and then played rock, paper, scissors to see who got the first and middle slots.

Rebecca's haughty nature fell before she uttered a single disappointed sigh. "Dammit."

"What?"

"That sounds good actually." Rebecca admitted and said the blonde's name aloud, "Emily Alexis Frazier. There's a nice ring to it."

I wonder if it would have the same ring if her surname were different. Emily Alexis Knox. Hmm...

"Space case?" Emily asked and snapped a finger in front of Rebecca's face.

"What?" She said and abruptly pulled away from her wild fantasy. "Yeah, sorry. I'm here."

"Where were you though?" Emily asked with a smile, canting her head to the side to observe the brunette thoughtfully.

Rebecca darkened to an even deeper shade red and shook her head. There was no way she was going to share what she had just been considering. Emily already wanted to pin her pride to a wall with the stupid name her parents graced her with, no point in making it even worse.

"Nowhere. Just thinking...about names." Rebecca covered quickly. At least it wasn't a complete lie.

"Like what you're going to legally change yours to as soon as you can?" Emily asked, not even trying to suppress the chuckle this time. "I'm sorry Becca, it was just too easy."

Rebecca regarded Emily with a contemplative look. She had completely ignored the blonde's jab at her and considered something altogether different. It was funny how things always seemed to bubble to the surface around Emily.

"You wanna hear a story?"

Emily nodded, "Sure"

"Around my nineteenth birthday or so I stopped going by Becca. Not everyone listened to me at first -- especially not my parents since they had called me by the nickname my whole life -- but there was just something about it that I wanted to get away from." Rebecca turned her gaze from Emily and furrowed her brows in thought. "When I stopped talking to my family I stripped the name from my life completely. I would meet new people and always introduce myself as Rebecca and refuse to let them call me anything else. The only exception has been my closest friends who call me Bec every now and again, but somehow that's different."

"I'm sorry." Emily muttered looking decidedly shameful now.

Rebecca quirked a brow. "For what?"

"I've only been calling you Becca to be a pain in the ass. Okay, if I'm being really honest I can't see you as anything besides Becca, but I think you understand what I'm saying." Emily shrugged, "I don't want to be a bitch anymore -- at least not to you -- so I'll call you Rebecca if you prefer."

"It's really weird, but I would actually prefer if you didn't." Rebecca laughed in a self-deprecating kind of way and shook her head as if she couldn't understand her own motives. "For some reason, I can't even fathom hearing you call me Rebecca. It just sounds wrong coming from your mouth."

"Perhaps it's the history we have?" Emily suggested.

Rebecca shrugged. "Perhaps. Or it might be that I never wanted anyone to call me Becca once you weren't around to."

Emily grinned, "I'd like to believe that."

Rebecca toed the ground, with the smallest smile on her lips. "Yeah. Me too."

***

Despite the intensity of Rebecca's schedule, trying to balance a part time job and a few classes every quarter for school -- not to mention the increasing amount of time that she had been spending with a certain someone again -- she still found time to continue her Friday afternoon tradition with Amanda. Rebecca really liked something about the odd and detached girl. She wasn't opinionated or passionate like Evie and she definitely wasn't overprotective like Celia. Amanda was just Amanda, and the change of pace was like a breath of fresh air.

To Rebecca's great surprise, Amanda wasn't in her laptop or phone for once when the brunette made her way into the coffee shop. Instead, Amanda gazed out of the window with a lazy and uninterested expression, every now and again bringing the cup in front of her to her lips without ever tearing her eyes away from the outside. Rebecca rolled her eyes at the change in Amanda's usual routine -- though there was no change to her demeanor judging by that face -- before walking up to the table and taking a seat across from the blonde.

"Afternoon." Rebecca said cheerfully. For some reason the brunette had been in a spectacular mood lately and she hadn't been afraid to show it at all.

"Hey." Amanda replied and turned to look at Rebecca.

Rebecca's brows rose in surprise, "Did you really just acknowledge my existence? Really?"

Amanda scowled, "Don't I always?"

"Not with eye contact." Rebecca shrugged.

Amanda rolled her eyes and turned away with a scoff, "Better?"

"Oh, come on. I was just messing around." Rebecca said and shoved the blonde's shoulder lightly. "Don't be a grump."

"Remind me why I let you hang around me again?"

"Hmmm." Rebecca hummed and tapped her chin thoughtfully, "Because no one else knows how to talk to you without feeling extremely awkward?"

Amanda shook her head and laughed lightly. Getting the stoic blonde to laugh was something of an accomplishment to Rebecca. It was harder than getting a non-bitchy response from Emily in her time at Zendex.

"Well that's their problem not mine." Amanda replied and turned in her seat again to look at Rebecca.

"Everything going all right?" Rebecca asked, seemingly out of nowhere. There wasn't any real change in the blonde's behavior necessarily, but there was still something slightly off from the usual aloofness that Amanda exhibited.

"Fine." She said quickly, "Why do you ask?"

Rebecca shrugged, "No real reason, you just seem off today. Well, more off than normal I suppose."

"Shots fired." Amanda grunted under her breath, before shaking her head. "It's nothing really, just been doing some thinking lately."

"About?"

"What's with the third degree?" Amanda snapped back.

"I just want to make sure you're okay is all. I would do it for any of my friends." Rebecca hesitated and really searched the face of the girl across from her, "We are friends, aren't we?"

It was Amanda's turn to shrug, "Yeah, I guess we are." She mumbled.

Rebecca backed off a bit to give the blonde some space. She knew how much she hated it when Evie came in interrogating every little thing and she didn't want to come across like that at all. Especially because Amanda seemed like the kind of person that would just go off if you touched the wrong button. It was like disarming a landmine or something.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life anymore." Amanda said very quietly. So quiet in fact that Rebecca had to lean in to catch the next bit that left the girl's mouth, "Like maybe I've just been going through all the motions but I'm not exactly sure where I'm trying to end up."

Rebecca could relate to that. "I know how you feel. I'm just starting to head down the path that I feel like I was made for, and I still have no idea where I'm even going."

"Which is exactly why I've been thinking about this lately."

"What do you mean?" Rebecca furrowed her brows in confusion.

"You're just figuring it out now and look at how old you are. I really need to get my shit together so I don't end up in the same place." Amanda gave Rebecca an apologetic shrug, "no offense."

"None taken." Rebecca growled. Which displayed just how much offense wasn't taken by the blonde's quip.

"Look, when you came to work for Frazier you were a fucking mess, right? And that was only a few short months ago. Now you have things starting to work themselves out and there's a whole different confidence about you. I mean you're so damn peppy most of the time that I'm tempted to spill a hot drink all over your lap some days." Amanda chewed on her lower lip and spoke in an extremely small voice in comparison to her previous speech. "I want that."

Rebecca's brows flew up into her hairline, "You want to be peppy? Is this a sign of the apocalypse? I don't ever remember the preachers talking about it amongst the colored horses and shit, but I feel like it's a definite indication that the end is near."

"You're a bitch."

"Oh, thank God." Rebecca clapped a hand to her chest and heaved a great sigh, "There's the Amanda I know."

"Seriously." Amanda said with a stoic face, "You're a bitch."

Rebecca patted Amanda's arm and smiled, "its okay, I believe that it's really you. No need to convince me any further."

Amanda uttered a growl of frustration, and ran a hand through her hair. "Why do I put up with you?"