Butterfly Spirits

"Maybe we could go next year," Joel smiled, but saw her eyes cloud over and become lost for a moment before she nodded and took a spoonful of the pavlova, so that she did not have to reply to him.

"Everyone has their own way of celebrating the spirits of those they have loved and lost, I like Miriam's way, our way, it's like a physical presence almost in that predawn moment. It gets so cold like a chill falls over everything," She looked at her watch, "Only a few more hours, and I can say goodbye to Miriam properly." Her eyes welled up and she took another spoonful of dessert to distract herself from what this truly meant to her.

"I still feel her you know," she let the tears fall, "Here near the tree, in the house, I loved her and I am so sorry I wasn't there at the end." Joel went and knelt beside her chair cradling her and rocking her.

"What you had to do was far more important, and I should have known that. It's me that is sorry, truly sorry for all I did to make the last year even worse for you," his eyes had welled up also. "I love you, I always have, my own battered pride and heartache made me oblivious to what you were going through." He went to kiss her but she put her hand on his chest and pulled back from him.

"I am..." she began to protest.

"Do you think I care about scars or that you still face reconstruction surgery? Do you think I only fell in love with your breasts?" His voice was demanding and his arms refused to let her go. "Don't run away again, trust me, stay with me, please. I will not fall apart and neither will you if you just trust me."

She looked into his eyes wanting to believe that after everything that had happened and all the mistakes they had made that they could go back to the way it was, when their love for each other was all that mattered. She saw the same looked reflected back at her, confusion washed over her she wanted it so badly but she wasn't the same girl, she had faced her own mortality and had become deformed, not whole, scarred both inside and out. She closed her eyes to blot out the love shining in his.

He released his arms from her and sighed, "Perhaps it isn't the right time. Promise you will think about what I have said." She nodded and he went back to his own chair picking up his spoon again. "If you think I am going to eat this whole thing on my own you're mistaken," he smiled crookedly trying to lighten the mood.

"I've already eaten more with you tonight than I did in all of yesterday," she complained.

"Yeah I was going to mention that you were too skinny but I didn't want to break the romance of the candle lit dinner," he pointed at the half melted pumpkin candle. She gave a lopsided smile.

They ate quietly and drifted back into the party. Most of the typical Halloween revellers had crashed or were sitting subdued in small groups. The DJ had even toned down the music and the buzz of chatter and laughter was the main sound of the group as the early morning moved toward the dawn. The morning twilight was predicted as 4.46 am so at around four the people who had come to experience Bunimbirr and farewell Miriam as well as other spirits in their lives gathered in the dance circle before the eucalypt tree.

While some brought chairs most sat on the hard earth, as the elder invited both Joel and Cecilia to stand with him and tell the story of Miriam and guide her along the feathered string from Bunimbirr to the island of the spirits. As they spoke, each having their own story to add, butterflies began to fill the circle of people. They danced and swayed and were carried on the predawn breeze toward the east where the morning star glinted in a perfectly black sky.

For Cecilia it was the perfect moment, to let go of her pain and anguish at losing Miriam, she stretched out her hand and to Joel's surprise two butterflies danced around his face before landing delicately in her hand. They were the same blue and black of the lone butterfly that had done a similar thing after the death of Cecilia's father. He looked back through the low tree branches to Rod who stood beside a large aerated carton removing large leaves and palm fronds to make sure all of the butterflies were freed.

The crowd was silent in amazement as they each held out their hands to the multi-coloured insects some receiving a spirit visitor in that form and others not as lucky. As the first pale rays of the sun lightened the horizon the last of the butterflies flew eastward and the people remained waiting and watching until they could be seen no more.

Turning at a soft noise in the now silent predawn light Cecilia saw Rod lift the now empty carton back to its place in the back of Joel's Ute. He had done that for her, given her the many butterflies she always wished to see. She smiled; she knew the blue and black butterflies that visited her were not of his doing. His were for her guests who were awed by the event and she was amazed that Joel would do this for her, so many butterflies, her smile was wide.

Joel walked over and put his arm around her bending low and murmuring, "Is it just like you wanted?"

"That and much more thank you so much, how did you do it?" She whispered.

"Do what?" he feigned innocence.

"That!" she pointed at Rod who was jumping down from the tray bed of his ute.

"You weren't supposed to see that," Joel frowned.

The party had begun disbanding and Pearl had begun the supervising of a barbecue breakfast for those that needed sobering up. Looking around at the still mostly quiet group he took her hand and led her into the darkness behind the tree, showing her the label on the box, "Butterfly house". She looked at him with wide eyes.

"Well it's not like I had time to go out and catch them all for you," he laughed. Rod tried to slink out of harm's way sensing another argument about to occur when Cecilia saw him.

"I don't know what you did or how you did it but thank you, thank you," she hugged Rod tightly and kissed both his cheeks.

"See what I mean, good guys always get the girl." He wrapped his arms around Cecilia's waist and looked at Joel and laughed. "Is that breakfast I smell, you sure throw a great party, Cilly!" He let her go and wandered off in search of more food.

They began to walk back into the party when she stumbled and Joel reached out to grab her. "You're tired, why don't you rest for a few hours; everything will still be here when you wake up."

She nodded grudgingly; she wanted to stay but knew she was standing upright by sheer will power alone at this point. She ached to just lie down and close her eyes for a few minutes. She let go of his hand long enough to hug Pearl and tell her she was fine but needed to rest now. Pearl was bustling about with the breakfast and happy that Cecilia was taking care of herself and she wouldn't have to worry about her.

Joel had stood back from the exchange and headed toward the house moments before Cecilia did. He stopped to help her up the portico steps and once through the door he swept her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs two at a time. He walked along the hallway still holding her and strode into her room closing the door behind him.

"We have one more demon to put to rest before the sun fully rises on this new day," Joel said softly. "Show me, so I can make the decision myself. Let me just once show you that you can't make all the decisions in our relationship for me." His voice was insistent, "If you expect me to just walk away, show me, why."

"Fine," she said in a small voice, "She knew this was probably the only way to make him see that she wasn't the same girl anymore." She pulled the baggy shirt up over her head and turned her back to him trembling as she removed the bra and padding held within it. Closing her eyes she turned back toward him. The move made her feel dizzy and she sat back on the bed her eyes popping open. "Happy now," there was resignation in her voice.

"Oh yeah," Joel said. The truth was that aside of a small purple scar and a reasonable dimple in the roundness of her breasts she looked amazing. "You look amazing!" He knelt down in front of her and traced the small scar with an index finger. "You made me think you were hideously deformed. This is nothing." He bent his head to kiss the scar and nuzzle the warm soft flesh.

Cecilia was shocked speechless. His kisses felt so good and it had been so long but she swallowed hard and pushed him away. "There is no need to lie, I know what it is," she said louder than she had meant.

"Do you?" he said incredulously. He picked her up and stood her before the full length mirror turning on a lamp to better see. "It's a dimple, nothing more. Dimples are cute. I guess we could always walk around like this," he said cupping her breast, then even you would never have to see." He took his hands away whispering, "Don't get the reconstruction you don't need it, I like them better like this, cute like you."

"Joel be serious," frustration sounded in her voice as she sighed dramatically.

"I am deadly serious," he pressed his hips forward showing her just how serious he was about loving her new figure. "I would be more worried about being too skinny," his hands ran down her ribs lowering her skirt off her hips and moving over her flat belly. He kissed her neck and murmured in her ear, "You really should have told me everything you know, I am a much nicer guy than you give me credit for. I would have worked out a way to be there for you through everything if you had just told me. Not just this," he lifted his hands to her breasts again, "but everything and now that I have heard it all from someone else, I should be mad, I should be sad, I should be a lot of things but I love you, I want you and I need you in my life."

"Everything?" she asked the mirror version of him watching him nod as he kissed her neck and shoulder sending delightful tingles into her body. "Pearl?" she asked a little breathlessly. Again his reflection nodded. "I have been really dumb haven't I?" She turned to look up into his warm brown eyes.

"No more than me," he smiled. "Promise me no more making decisions without me or withholding something important."

Cecilia kissed him properly for the first time in a year and he carried her to the bed proceeding to tell and show her exactly how turned on he was by her new dimple, poking his finger into her other breast wondering if a matching set might be better than the reconstruction. Their love making was hurried and needful and as she lay in his arms barely keeping her eyes open, Cecilia smiled.

"Hmm, if that was an exorcism I am surprised there aren't more of them," she giggled.

"Demon gone, really?" Joel tilted up her chin to look into her sleepy eyes.

"Mmhmm," she tightened her arms around him and drifted off into sleep.