Calm Ch. 06

She rushed through street after street and turned every corner she came at. Left, right? It didn't matter. She was lost already, what did it hurt to make it worse? Only one thing mattered. Escape. But it wasn't working. He got closer with every corner she took. Each step she took was smaller than one of his. Her legs burned and stabs and shoots of pain wracked her lungs.

Panic surged inside her. Her legs were giving out! No, no, no. He's right there! Somewhere to hide! Anywhere. She looked up from the ground for the first time in what seemed like hours. Her vision widened from the tunnel vision her exhaustion had forced on her. She could hear better now too. His heavy stomping sounded behind her. A hiding spot, please! Anything would do. Anything small enough to squeeze in and crawl away.

That's when she saw it. A light so familiar that relief flooded her the moment she saw it. She knew exactly what button to push to get to safety. People who cared about her would buzz her in and rush down to help her fend off the man behind her. The relief gave her legs fresh strength. She sprinted towards the light. The stomping faded and she redoubled her effort.

Soon she made it. Her eyes searched for the button that said Tom and Ruth. It wasn't there! Oh God! What now? Press another one then. Any button would do. She pressed a random button and nothing happened. It didn't budge. Her fist slammed against it and still it didn't move.

The last of the relief she'd felt evaporated, and she punched the button over and over. Her knuckles split open and blood dripped from her hand. Tears ran down her cheeks. She couldn't run anymore. Her legs could barely move. Standing was all she could manage. This was as far as she'd go. If only she could get inside.

She grabbed the door handle and pulled on it. Nothing. She leaned her entire body weight back to give her effort more power, but still nothing. Fuck! Her hand slapped against the glass, leaving bloody smears behind. "Please! Let me in! I'm being chased! Please! Open up!"

No response came. Not a sound. That was a lie. There was a sound getting closer. Heavy footfalls drawing near. Ellie's body froze, and she balled up on the ground. The stomping slowed down from a run into a slow and steady walk. Ellie's every thought was consumed by the raging panic that paralyzed her. All she knew was that the pain would come again. He was here with her.

A hand clawed into her shoulder. "Elizabeth."

***

A scream tore Ruth from her sleep, and she shot up in the bed she shared with Ellie. She snapped on the light and tried to wrap her arms around the trembling girl. Ellie was besides herself and pushed Ruth away. Her eyes didn't see the room around her, trapped in memories and nightmares.

"He's here!" Over and over she said the same words. Ruth shook her shoulder, but she didn't respond. She curled up into a tight ball under the duvet, with her face pressed against her knees.

"Ellie! Ellie, answer me."

"No, no, no. Go away! I don't want to. Please, no!" Ellie bolted from the bed and pushed herself into the corner of the room. The walls against her back gave her some sense of safety as she balled up again. Ruth followed her out the bed and tried to shush her, but to no avail. All she said was 'no, no, no'.

The door to their room opened and Cris walked inside with a worried expression on her face. "What's wrong? I heard a scream and the light was on here so..."

Her eyes fell on Ellie sitting down with Ruth crouched in front of her. Ruth looked up at her and shook her head. Cris nodded and made her way out of the room. Before she closed the door behind her, she said "Should I bring something warm to drink?"

Ruth gave her a little smile. "Thanks, but no. She won't relax for a long time yet. We thought she wouldn't have these anymore, but we were wrong. Can you call Tom though? He always gets her through this."

After another worried glance, Cris nodded and shut the door. Ruth turned back to Elie and said, "Ellie, can you hear me? Tom's coming over. He'll be here soon. Ellie? Tom's coming. Tom."

Ellie's death grip on her legs relaxed a little when she caught Tom's name, but the moment soon faded. "He's not here! And father is. He'll hurt me and kill me! No, no, no. Please! I don't want to."

After that outburst, she sunk back into a dull drone. No was the only word past her lips. Ruth tried touching her to calm her down, but Ellie jerked away every time and after she lifted her head and stared at Ruth with unseeing, fear filled eyes, Ruth couldn't bear to try again. It hurt to see Ellie like this again, but all she could do was wait. And so she did. She gratefully accepted a mug of hot chocolate from Cris, who joined her silent watch over Ellie. "Philip's out to get Tom. Thought you might want something even if she doesn't."

"Mhm. Thanks."

"Shush, it's the least I could do."

They sat in silence for a while. Ruth knew Cris would wait until either she or Ellie mentioned the problem, but she could feel the questions emanating from Cris. She sighed and put down her mug. "Ask."

Cris glanced at Ruth and nodded her head at Ellie. "This is what you meant with things not being simple?"

"Mhm."

"What happened to her? I don't need any details, just give me an idea."

"Her father's the man who attacked Tom. He wasn't a normal man. Hated his son after his wife died giving birth to her and then tried to use Ellie to replace her. Ah... I don't want to sound so cold about it, but I just don't want to think about the things that happened in that house.

"He abused her for years, Cris. She stayed for her little brother and when he died in an accident, there was no reason for her to stay, so she ran. She wasn't used to the city at all, let alone at night. Inevitably, she got lost. Some monster raped her, and she crawled to the nearest light, the entrance to our building. God, you should've seen her. She was bleeding and barely lucid. She begged us not to bring her to the hospital, because her dad might find her. It was terrible."

Ruth bundled her legs together and hugged them. "I don't really know why, but she seemed to trust Tom after she woke up. He's important to her. I think I am as well, but it's different. She's been working so hard at getting stronger and more confident. She saw her father again a few weeks ago, and she had nightmares for days after. She seemed okay after him stabbing Tom, but she went everywhere Tom went, so he sent her here. And now this happens." She sighed. "It's difficult, Cris. We never know what's going to happen with her. You know Tom and me acted out my worst memory with Sebastian, right?"

Cris nodded. "You and Tom both told me about it."

"She found out about Tom and me when she found me crying in the couch afterwards. She was terrified Tom had done something to hurt me. I had to tell her the truth. A few days later, she asked Tom to do the same for her. Act like her father, dress like him, do to her what he did. The whole thing down to the smallest detail. Everything like it had been for years, except for the ending. And she did it, she ended it like the woman she's becoming now. That did a lot for her confidence."

Ruth rested her chin on her knees and watched the top of Ellie's head poking above her knees. "She's been through so much. That bastard's inside her head and she can't escape him. She needs to feel safe or else things turn out this way."

Cris put her hand on Ruth's head. "That's enough, Ruth. I understand. What about you, Ruth?"

"What about me?"

"Is this what you want? Do you want to help this girl? Sounds like it's not easy on you."

Ruth snorted. "Not easy? It's terrifying, but it's also one of the best things I've done in my life. I love what Tom and I have done for her even though I wish it had been easier. She knocked out and tied up her dad after he stabbed Tom. Every time I think about it, I feel so proud of her.

"In her memories he's still stronger than her, but in the real world she kicked his ass. It's only a matter of time before her mind catches up to that fact. All she needs is time and people to be there for her. Good people. Like Tom. Like you and Philip and Nicky and Jenny. Can you imagine what she'll be like when she gets to where I am?"

"Mhm. She'll be awesome."

"We'll make sure she is."

Cris wrapped her arm around Ruth. "Can Philip and me help?"

"We were hoping you would."

"We'd be happy to."

"Thanks, Cris."

"Shush, little girl. It'll be fine."

Ruth smiled as she leaned into Cris's embrace. Ellie's breathing had slowed down. She was asleep again, but that wouldn't last long. Their vigil wasn't over for a long time yet.

***

The door opened and Tom stepped into the room. His eyes found Ellie huddled up in the corner, and he went straight for her. He put the book he had in his hand down on the floor and kneeled in front of Ellie. She was awake again and muttering to herself. Tom put his hand on her arm and she shied away from the touch without looking up. He pulled back his hand and sat in silence for a long moment. He turned to Ruth and Cris and said, "I've never seen her this bad. Has she been sitting here ever since you called?"

Ruth nodded. "She doesn't respond to anything we say either. You think we should wait for her to calm down?"

He shook his head. "She doesn't have to suffer through this if I can make it go away."

After a deep breath he stood up. "Ruth, grab that book. And Cris, if you could lead the way to the nearest couch."

Ruth saw him bend forward to pick Ellie up from the floor and she grabbed his arm. "Don't. You'll hurt yourself."

Tom looked her in the eyes. There wasn't a hint of hesitation in his face. "I'll be fine. And if that was you in the corner, I'd do the same. I'll be as careful as I can be."

"Ask Philip to carry her."

"No, Ruth. She doesn't trust Philip yet. It has to be me."

She sighed and let go. "Fine, but I won't be happy if your wound tears."

"Thanks for thinking about me. Now go."

He bent down and wormed one arm under Ellie's knees and the other behind her back. She struggled, but her every move was feeble, as if her last ounce of resistance had long since been used up. "Shhh, Ellie. I'm here now. I'll read you a story and you'll see everything's fine."

Tom kept mumbling to Ellie while he tightened his grip on her and got into a position to lift her up. In a quick burst, he rolled her against his chest and stood back up. A groan of pain escaped him, and he stood still to let it ebb and soften to a dull throb. "Cris, the couch. And make it quick."

When they reached the couch, Tom carefully sat down and sighed in relief. His self-concern was short-lived though. He gestured Ruth over and said, "You can put the book on the couch."

Those were the last words he had to spare for Ruth and Cris. Ellie had his full attention now. He rocked her gently as he stroked her hair and back. She still hadn't relaxed even a tiny bit. Minutes went by as he whispered to her and tried to let her know he was there.

Cris and Ruth watched from a distance and Philip appeared behind Cris. He put his hands on her shoulders and said, "What's happening?"

"Nothing yet. We'll have to wait."

They watched Tom as he slowly pulled Ellie from the nightmare she was stuck in. She suddenly unfolded and clawed for his shoulders so she could latch on to him. Tom kept doing what he'd been doing, whispering soothing words and giving her the soft touches she craved without knowing it. Her endless mumbling transformed into loud sobs as the built up tension exploded from her body. Ellie wasn't there at that moment. Only little Elisabeth, confused about why her father would hurt her. Why had he hurt the kind man who took care of her like he never had? Why did he want to put her in a cage again? She didn't want that. All she'd ever wanted was for Jeff to laugh. For the people around her to be happy.

Every wish she'd had in those long years made itself known. I hope it doesn't hurt as much next time. I hope he forgets tomorrow. I hope he's drunk again so he can't do it and all I have to do is use my mouth. I hope Jeff smiles tomorrow when I read him his story. The list went on and on. Every new wish forced another sob from her. Was she ever going to escape her memories? What would happen when she lived by herself, with nobody to hold her? The very thought scared her to death.

Was she alone now? Where was she even? Ellie looked up from Tom's chest and saw the dark brown eyes that had greeted her the first time she didn't know where she was or what had happened to her. Eyes of a stranger, but kind. "Tom? You're here?"

He smiled and kissed her forehead. "I'm here, Ellie. It's okay now."

"You won't go away again?"

"I'm staying here tonight."

She grabbed his shirt in her small hands. "And tomorrow?"

"That'll depend on you. I'll go home if you think you can sleep alone. I desperately need to get some work done, but if you don't think you can handle it, I'll stay. And if you think you can hold your own, but it turns out you can't, then someone will call me and I'll come over for you. It doesn't matter what you decide, it'll always be fine. How does that sound?"

Ellie rubbed her cheek against Tom's chest. "That's okay, I guess."

"You want to talk about your bad dream?"

She shook her head against his chest.

"How about I read you a story?"

Ellie stilled against him and kept quiet for long moments. She didn't look up when she answered. For a reason she couldn't explain, she didn't want him to see how happy she was that he'd brought her story book with him. "Mhm."

He stroked her back again. "Give me the book and lie down with your head on my lap."

A few steps behind the couch, Ruth, Cris and Philip watched and listened in wonder as Tom read Ellie a silly story about a leprechaun and something like walking acorns. Cris frowned at Ruth and in a hushed voice, she said "It's a children's book he gave her a while ago. I don't really get it, but she loves the thing. Calms her right down. Just wait for a bit, she'll be asleep soon."

True to Ruth's word, Ellie drifted off to sleep thinking of the forest and grumpy old Paul bitching about acorn men ruining his day. Tom closed the book when he heard her slow breathing and leaned back against the couch. His sigh had too much relief in it and Ruth rushed around the couch. "Are you alright?"

"My wound hurts, but I don't think it tore. I'll be fine with some rest."

"What are we going to do with her now?"

"Nothing. She fell asleep here on my lap, and she'll wake up the same way."

"Tom, you can't stay here all night. You have to lie down."

He waved away her concern and said, "I'm staying here. I can rest tomorrow."

Ruth dropped her shoulders and said, "Fine. Cris? You have some blankets we can use?"

"I can get you some. Need anything else?"

"No, no. We'll be fine. You can go back to bed."

"We'll see you tomorrow then. Philip, see to the blankets. Give them the thick red ones, it's nippy."

Ruth watched the two of them leave and wondered how they'd look at Ellie now. She arrived this morning as a shy, beautiful girl they hadn't known existed. Now she was... what exactly? Knowing them, they'd be great about it. Her heart went out to these two people who'd been there for them before. Tom saw them more as his parents than he did his real parents. She'd accepted them as such.

She looked at the top of Tom's head peeking out over the back of the couch. He was her life. If he hadn't found her, she wouldn't be here now. She wouldn't have done the things she did. She would've been working or wearing out her couch. Now she lived for others and for herself. She smiled to herself and nestled against Tom in the couch. "I'm yours, Sir."

He kissed the top of her head and said, "Thanks for being mine, little girl."

***

Ruth, Tom and Ellie woke up to the sounds and smells of breakfast. Fresh coffee lured Ruth off the couch. The crispy sound of someone eating a chocolate roll seduced Ellie off the couch, and Tom succumbed when the sizzle of bacon in a frying pan reached his ears. He rolled his neck on his way to the kitchen and plopped down next to Ruth. She leaned against him and assembled a plate of breakfast for him. "Thanks, you're an angel."

Breakfast was delicious but quiet. The pensive mood that hung thick in the air was unusual for a morning in Cris's house, but it wasn't unpleasant. After everyone had finished, Cris gestured for Philip to clear the table. Ruth made to get up and help him, but the older woman stopped her with a gesture. "Stay, Ruth. There'll be some talk and I want you here for it."

Her eyes found Ellie's and the young girl shied away. Cris took Ellie's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Don't look away, Ellie."

Tom gave Ellie's shoulder a quick squeeze and mouthed the words 'talk to her'. Still reluctant, Ellie turned towards Cris and the older woman nodded in approval. "Last night was unexpected to say the least. I don't know you well, not yet, but I know Tom and I know Ruth. They care about you and to me that means a lot. I could go on and on about how I get angry when I think about what must've happened to you, but what good would it do you?

"This is my home, and I've always lived by one simple rule. Anyone's welcome to come here and even live here, but don't expect to be doing nothing here. Ask Tom, he lived here for six months. He remembers what this place is like." Cris cupped Ellie's hand in both of hers.

"You're welcome too, Ellie. That's how thing work here. If I like you, then you can stay as long as you want. If I don't like you, then I have Philip throw you out. Remember that when you think about slacking off. You're welcome to stay, but you're welcome to leave if you don't follow my rules too."

Tom stood up from his chair and walked around the table. He put his hand on Cris's shoulders and looked over her head at Ellie. "Thanks, Cris. I have to go soon, but I'll try and come back tonight."

"You know your way to the shower."

As Tom left, Cris turned her attention to Ruth. "Ruth, tell Ellie how difficult it's been for you to take care of her."

"Cris!"

"Now, Ruth."

"Cris, there's no need..."

"What's she talking about, Ruth?"

Ruth closed her eyes as she heard Ellie's panicked tone. She shot Cris an angry glare which bounced right off the older woman's controlled face. Ellie had torn her hand loose from Cris's and was getting up from her chair, ready to run away. Ruth stopped her and said, "Please sit down, Ellie. Cris and I talked a little last night. It's true that I told her things have been hard. It can be so difficult to understand what you're thinking and how we can get through to you. Our lives haven't gotten easier since meeting you. This is all true. But... look at me Ellie."

Ellie shook her head and Ruth cupped her face in both her hands and leaned her forehead against Ellie's. Their noses were touching and Ruth could see the tears welling up in Ellie's eyes. "It's also been... I don't even know the right word. Seeing you open up made me think so much about how I used to be. Because of you, I've found so much courage. I can honestly say that not sending you away was one of the best things I've done in my life. And it's only going to get better. Stuff like last night, it's going to fade. I just know it. You'll get stronger and you'll smile more, and I want to be there to see all that. I want to know you're alright."

Ellie had started tearing up before Ruth, but it was the elder of the two that had tears running down her cheeks first. The two girls hugged each other and cried together. Cris got up from her chair and gestured for Philip to leave with her. Those two would be just fine and there was still work to do.