Can I Love? Ch. 03

The third chapter... keep commenting and voting. There is no way I can improve if you don't let me know what I'm doing wrong.

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The next few days went by slowly. My thoughts only on the man who held me so tight, the man I longed to hold. Every time the phone rang, my heart would be leaping in my chest. All I wanted was to hear from this man, the man that made me feel so special inside. Stupid as it was, since he told me he loved me, I couldn't think about much else. It was a day long relationship. Three times I had seen him, did I really care.

The more I thought about his love for me, the more I began to hate him. Was it some kind of sick joke? Who would tell me they loved me after three meetings, how could he do this to me? Did he think I was a fool? Through his absence, I started thinking about the sick things he could do to any woman. After all, what if it wasn't me that walked by him for my appointment. Would he have tried to woo the next dumb blonde who walked through?

A ring of the telephone broke into my thoughts, this time I felt no desire for it to be Tom, if it was he would get a piece of my mind. I answered the phone gruffly, in a tone I couldn't really recognise as my own. I exchanged a few words, before hanging up. Plans had to be made now, why were birthdays so important. There the same day every year, and every year you just get another year older. What was the big deal? Big expensive meals, a night out on the town, pull some random bloke and head back home before waking up with a mad headache. It wasn't just my own birthday this was done for, it was everybody's! Talk about repetitive.

With two days to prepare, a reservation at the local haunt, The Bronze, needed to be made. VIP tickets for my few, and very select amount of friends. In the last few months, since the rape, only a few people stood by me. The rest, well, they weren't worth my friendship anyway.

Cards began to enter through the post. It was a day before the 'big day' and my doormat was already covered in these cards, never had a package arrived before my actual birthday though. Normally, packages come on the day, all at once, in a big bundle. But not this one, it didn't even arrive with the post. It was a small package in an A5 brown envelope with the address scribbled rather scruffily, in handwriting I couldn't quite place. My surname wasn't included in the address either, just 'Sarah' written on it.

After thoroughly examining the packaging, I decided to open it. Inside was a small IPod. I picked out the small gadget and turned it in my hand, noticing the yellow post-it stuck inside the envelope. "Turn it on and press play", were the words written in the same scrappy handwriting. I turned it on and pressed play but there was no sound. I read the song title on the display screen. It said, "A song from me to you to show I care", no artist, and no album, just that name. I quickly scanned the lounge for my CD player, looking for some headphones to hear the song.

I searched, and after finding no headphones. I placed the IPod down and carried on with my day, pushing all thoughts of it to the back of my mind. I had to prepare for tonight, the night I would go out and wake up feeling rough on my actual birthday.

At 9:00pm, Ellie and a few friends came round, ready for a heavy night of drinking, each bringing a bottle of something. By 10.30 we were all merry and ready for a night on the town. After glamming ourselves up, as much as possible in our drunken state, we made our way to The Bronze. On entry, we were scooped into the VIP section, watching over the rest of the club, sitting with our free glass of champagne. I downed the glass, and made a move for the dance floor. I only had an hour left of being 19, I was going to enjoy every second of it. I could think about love and mystery songs when I was 20.

All six of us made our way down the stairs, on to the dance floor, ready to strut our stuff. Before long, we had found ourselves a selection of guys, some hot, some not so, either way, the girls were enjoying themselves greatly. Every so often I would feel a clammy hand come up and grope my ass, my hips, even my breasts. I pushed all thoughts away and continued to dance, never dropping my sisters' hands. The girls were long gone, each eating a different guy's face. Looking around I couldn't help but laugh, in the morning they would all regret wearing their beer goggles tonight.

Ten minutes before the night ticked over into day, I had the sudden need to pee. Stupid alcohol I said to myself. "I'm going to the toilet", I shouted to Ellie over the din of the dance track playing. It used to be one of my favourite tracks, before it was turned into a dance track. The second I left Ellie, I saw some of the guys making a grope, she just carried on dancing. I hated how much it didn't bother her to have random guys tugging at her body.

When I came back onto the dance floor, my friends were no longer there, every single one had left. "Great," I thought to myself, "Happy birthday". As I went to leave, there was a track change, right in the middle of the song.

"Hello everybody!!!" came a roar from the speakers, looking up to the DJ I saw all five girls smiling and waving at me. A spotlight was placed on me, highlighting where I was, "We have one minute until it is this lovely lady's birthday, and I want a happy birthday to be sung by everybody." Two of the club workers came over, offering me a 'dirty pint'. I downed it as fast as I could. I was ready for my birthday! The DJ then started a ten second countdown, before everyone broke into song around me. Feeling drunk again, I made my way onto one of the empty tables, dancing round and round, clapping, screaming and shouting for my own birthday.

Soon after the song finished, I made my way off the table. Hands were all over me, touching my legs, pulling at my short shorts. One guy pulled me off the table, catching me in his arms. He leant in for a kiss. I pushed him off telling him I was in love, I had a boyfriend. Ellie was beside me, pulling me away, seeing my sudden drunken state, opted on calling it an early night.

Inside the taxi, a wave of nausea flowed through me, making me retch; the lack of dinner had a nasty effect on me. I made it home without throwing up but walking through my front door, I rushed to the bathroom and was sick. I felt arms around me, taking me into my room and tucking me into bed. I heard the door close before falling into a deep sleep.

Waking up the smell of sick surrounded me. I could taste it. I sat up in bed, recalling the events of last night. It had gone exactly to plan, get drunk, come home, wake up, feel rough. But this was my birthday, the big two-zero, was I ever going to sit in bed all day, trying to recover. I got up slowly feeling another wave of nausea, made my way to the shower and showered for a good 20 minutes cleaning my self thoroughly before brushing my teeth, wiping the taste away. I then got myself ready for the day, pulling on a pair of jeans and a low cut jumper.

Breakfast seemed like the next good way to start the day, making myself a boiled egg with toast, forcing it down my neck it made the rotten feeling of being sick disappear slightly. As I entered the lounge, I noticed again the IPod set on the coffee table. I picked it up just as there was a knock on the door, assuming it was my sister I called to come in. I heard the door open but there was silence.

"I see you like the gift then?" a voice behind me asked.

I spun round, recognising the voice instantly. "Daddy, oh my god, what are you doing here?" I ran to him and embraced him in a deep hug. As I hugged him I realised how much I missed him.

"Sweetie, I'm not here to stay. I know I haven't been around that much recently. I thought I would come and see you, someone came to see me about you." He paused, "I wish you would have told me." He sat down and I followed suit. I listened quietly and when he finished talking, he told me he had a train to catch but we could have dinner some time soon. He gave me a quick hug before heading out.

I stayed sat down, thoughts whirring through my head. Someone had told him about my loss. I hadn't thought about that in a while, too many other things to think about, talking to my Dad brought back the memories. The next thing he said to me really confused me. He told me that the IPod was a gift from Tom. Tom had gone to see him, to find out who my Dad was and had called himself my 'boyfriend'. That's when my Dad got up and rushed himself out.

Everything was so confusing. Tom had taken it too far this time. Some joke, first he tells me he loves me -- funny, but getting my family involved that is too far. I picked up the phone, and typed in the number I had memorised by now, after many attempts of ringing Tom and never going through with it, I finally had the rage, rather than bravery, to do it.

A voice answered at the other end. "You bastard, what the hell are you trying to do". I shouted at him for a few more minutes and when I was done, I hung up before he could reply. Feeling much better and finally hoping I might be able to forget about him, I took the IPod into my room ready to chuck it into a drawer and forget about it. Opening the drawer I saw my headphones, did I listen to the IPod?

As much as I wanted to leave the IPod and forget about it I just couldn't, curiosity got the better of me, as usual, I plugged the headphones in, putting them in my ears and hitting the play button I listened. Within seconds of it playing, I knew the song, my favourite song. It was 'truly madly deeply by Savage Garden'. My all time favourite song. Listening to it, the lyrics got me thinking about Tom. 'I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope; I'll be your love, be everything that you need." Those words played over and over again through my head.

Another knock at the door, which was only just heard through the volume of the headphones, brought me to my senses. I went to the door, still holding the IPod tightly in my hand. Opening the door I saw Tom stood there with a bunch of flowers and a balloon, written on it was 'Happy Birthday Sarah'. In all the excitement of the day's happenings, I had forgotten about my birthday, meaning my Dad too had forgotten. Looking up at Tom I saw the softness in his blue eyes, and then I looked to his mouth it was fixed in a straight line; he licked his lips and opened his mouth to talk.

"What do you want?" I asked gruffly, knowing that if he spoke my anger would subside. He started talking as I turned around back into the house, leaving him on the doorstep. I didn't even bother to listen as I went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea. When I entered the lounge again, Tom was still stood on the doorstep and still talking quietly.

As I looked up into his eyes, he stopped what he was saying and asked if he could come in. I agreed wearily, knowing this was going to be a long night. He entered, setting my gifts on the tabletop; he walked up to me and gently grabbed my arms. I badly wanted to step back, to tell him where to stick it. But his eyes seemed to hypnotize me; I could feel his breath on my lips, as if he was gently blowing on them. Staring into his eyes I could see the passion within him. The stare was too much so I closed my eyes having nowhere else to look.

"Please open your eyes," he said gently. Without opening them, I felt his head dipping, his breathing stopping as he leant down to place a light kiss on my lips. I opened my eyes then as he pulled away, licking my lips, tasting spearmint. As I looked into his eyes again I noticed just how blue they were. I stared and noticed that they were bluer than all the oceans and just as deep.

This time I leant in for the kiss, letting all my past experiences fall behind me. I tried to raise my hand to hold his head, to pull him into my mouth, but he held my hands down by my side and kissed me. He controlled the pace; his lips lingered on mine for a while before he slowly parted his lips and pushed his tongue lightly into my mouth. I kissed him back, trying to get him to kiss me harder, with more passion, but still he kissed me softly, never speeding up, making my legs melt with every movement he made.

He pulled away, releasing my arms staring into my eyes searching for my reaction. I stood there not saying anything, lost in the moment. He brought me close to him again and searched for my lips, already tender. His hand came up to the back of my head this time, pulling me to his mouth. One short kiss became another and this time I could feel the passion fuelled within him. Pulling me closer, holding me up against him. Finally I pulled away, breathless.

"Tom, we can't. I'm sorry, I just can't, I don't even know you."

"Sure you do," he smiled, "you know I'm a great kisser." He smiled again, flashing his perfectly formed teeth, pulling me up against himself before dipping his head again.

After enjoying his taste for a while, I pulled away. A sudden feeling of rage burst through me, I had no idea where it even came from. I just remembered what I had been thinking prior to his arrival. Had he victimised me, was he like this with every other woman? The thought to it all being a sick joke made me speak harshly to him, "Oh look, you've been here a whole five minutes, isn't it time for you to go yet?"

Instead of retaliating, as I thought he would, he spoke in a calm, controlled voice, "I don't know what has happened to you in the past. I'm not leaving; I don't want to, I don't think I could go even if I wanted to. I'm here to listen. I want to know what has happened to you and most of all ... I just want to know you."

All the demons vanished. My anger, my pain, it was all gone. As he held me there I whispered two words to myself, "Me too."