Candi & Sister Sara's Diary

The doctors are going to attempt psychic communication again. Tecla’s sisters requested that I be allowed to receive her final words. They also backed my decision to turn off the life-support. It upsets me that it has to be this way, but I hate to see her suffering like this.

1-1-17

Tecla had the dubious honor of being the first dead Mexican of the New Year. She died from massive organ failure at 12:00 am. Before she passed away, the doctors hooked up an enhanced psychic sticker on her forehead so she could speak her final wishes on the cell phone via instant message. She didn’t respond to the doctors and their stupid questions about her name, identification number and address. She responded to my tears and screams. Our last conversation crushed me. It left me without solace. Below is a cut and paste.

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: My Sara, I feel my soul detaching itself. I am so afraid.

sllamorsa: Don’t be frightened. You confessed and took communion. God is waiting for you.

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: I am not so sure if I am going to heaven my dear Sara.

sllamorsa: What are you talking about? You’re a good woman. You helped so many people.

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: Julia reminded a terrible sin that will damn me if I don't repent..

sllamorsa: Sin? What have you done lately that could possibly be construed as a sin?

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: You.

sllamorsa: I don’t understand.

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: It’s not our fault that we are Lesbians. However, our love was immoral.

sllamorsa: We got married at the courthouse for God’s sake! What the hell are you talking about?

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: Our marriage was a sin.

sllamorsa: I don’t care what anyone else thinks about our marriage. Those vows mean something to me. Don’t they mean anything to you?

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: They are everything to me. That’s why I want to break them. God should be everything to me, not the depravity that we are living in. I am sorry. Our marriage is void because I am turning over my life to him.

sllamorsa: Why are you doing this to me? I didn’t know Cipactli was going to shoot you. *Crying my eyes out.* I should’ve told you about the gang. Please don’t hurt me like this.

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: I am not angry with you Sara. I am willing to sacrifice my eternal life for you. However, I am not willing to sacrifice yours. I cannot be so selfish.

sllamorsa: We made a vow to love each other until death do us part.

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: My body is now dead and that’s why we need to end this, before my mind is gone as well.

sllamorsa: We made a vow.

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: Make a new vow and make it to God. He is the only one that you need to love. Listen to Him. I know that you will hear His call. I have.

sllamorsa: Why are you doing this to me?

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: I would rather be your guardian angel than your condemned wife. Rohjrody9yhrekhrjsiz78734yui67[[[kej??@

sllamorsa: Tecla, you’re not making any sense.

sllamorsa: Tecla, why are your thoughts garbled?

sllamorsa: Tecla?

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: [User is offline.]

sllamorsa: Oh my God.

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: [Offline user did not receive message.]

sllamorsa: Tecla?

lamaestraelemtariafeliz: [Offline user did not receive message.]

“What the fuck is this shit?” Candi whispered aloud, forgetting for a moment that she was not supposed to be where she was. This Tecla chick was the love of Sara’s life. It was a romantic, eternal, all-consuming love that you only see in tacky romance novels. “You are supposed to whisper words of endearment and tenderness and shit on your death bed, not come over all moralistic and homophobic.”

“This makes absolutely no fucking sense.” Candida was ready to shut down the computer, tearfully disgusted at what she had read. Then curiosity reasserted itself. How in hell did the Walrus get from this pit of despair to where she is now? There had to be more to it than this, and Candida had every intention of finding out what it was. She brought up the next entry, noticing that there was a four-day gap between it and the previous one.

5-1-17

I haven’t felt like writing in a while. The funeral was too much for me. After the pomp and circumstance, she was disposed of as toxic waste because of the poison. There is a gravestone, but her body isn’t even there. Even in death, the injustice continues.

I found out that my comrades wanted to bring me Cipactli’s head in a shoebox full of grass for Epiphany. I dissuaded the boys with threats of blowing their heads off if they dared to kill him. I plan to give the bastard a special Three King's gift that he will certainly not to forget. His fate is mine and mine alone.

Well let’s hear it for revenge, thought Candida. Finally, a motivation that she could understand.

6-1-17

I got my satisfaction. I tracked down Cipactli’s house. That bastard and his precious little family sat on the floor playing with their brand new Epiphany presents. I’m sure that he wasn’t expecting an homicidal bitch to point a machine gun at his wife and kids. I pointed a crossbow at his head. At my command, he sharpened a meat cleaver and brought it to the kitchen table. We both sat down. I told him to stretch out his left thumb on the table.

I put down the crossbow, but the gun was still pointed at his loved ones. I placed my thumb on top of his. I ordered him to chop. He did. His wife screeched like a dying pig. The kids cried. I threatened to kill them if that bitch-wife didn’t shut up and bandage our wounds in a hurry.

I told Cipactli, “I shot your uncle and you shot my woman. I was planning to gun down your bitch, but God had mercy on her today. You cut off my thumb and you to cut off your own. We’re even and you’re forgiven. This is the day I stop killing. Don’t do anything that will cause me to change my mind.” After his woman dressed my wound, I left him to ponder my words.

That was so lame, Candi’s first thought began, but second and third thoughts filled in right away. She lost someone she loved, and if her lover were anything like what was reflected in her writing, she probably wouldn’t have inflicted that kind of pain on anyone, not even on her worst enemy. She didn’t spare any lives there for her own sake, or even for Cipactli’s, but for Tecla’s. To take the kind of revenge that she probably really wanted to take would have betrayed the memory of the one for whom she was taking it.

Candi didn’t have any great love for Hernan, but would she go back home and blow his head off for what he did to her if she had the chance? No. Hernan was her father. He did what he believed in his sick, twisted, deranged little mind, he had to do. His motives were pure, even if his actions were far from it. He saved her from Gwubo. Candida blocked out that part of her memory before she could remember it again. Fuck mercy and forgiveness, all males deserved nothing less than castration with a meat cleaver. Except, perhaps for Carlos, the only male she cared to miss. Unfortunately, she feared it was only a matter of time until he went insane.

Candida shook herself out of her past, and got back to the business of reading. This explained the Walrus’s slow descent in to pacifism. What was the next step?

12-1-17

I kissed my mother goodbye. She needed to go back to Los Angeles so she could make some money. I told her that she would not be hearing from me for a while. She understood. She had felt the same way when father was murdered. It’s distressing to know that I am a second-generation gang window. I think I need to get out of Tijuana for a while, especially after last night.

Lalo and Chompis took me on an outing to the Zona Rosa district. We went to Taverna Adelina and my boys bought me a two sessions with the lovely and notoriously bisexual, “Delia”. She was sexy and everything. Muscular dancer’s legs, tastefully augmented tits, shaved whatnots and a slit like a kiss when you put your lips on it. She smelled good. She licked well. She fucked me with a strap-on and did stuff to me with an assortment vibrators. She tried to amuse me with interesting tricks involving ben wa balls. She did this and other jazz. Screwing her made me feel worse. Tecla waited all of her life to make love to me. I couldn’t even wait a month after her death.

My two comrades and “Delia” felt sorry for me. They bought me a personal pizza, a Jarritos soda in tamarind flavor, chicken mole with chips and a cup of flan. Chompis, being the horny bastard that he is, volunteered to take over the second session. Lalo got pissed off because he realized that “Delia” was actually Rita Medina Quintana Alfaro, his half-niece’s first cousin twice removed.

Lalo’s quote of the month: “There’s nothing worse in the world than knowing that your hot cousin is fucking your ugly best friend for a few dollars instead of being respectable and getting married to some rich gringo or chink. No wonder why my family is still broke.”

Despite the grimness of the tale, Candida laughed aloud at that. The next few entries were rather garbled and confusing. They read as if someone very drunk wrote them. It wasn’t until Valentine's Day that the entries started becoming coherent again.

14-2-17

It’s Valentine’s Day and I am still roaming in this desert trying to find myself. A coyote keeps following me around. I think that it’s waiting for me to drop dead. The turkey buzzards circling in the sky are probably thinking the same thing. As long as I keep following the instructions in my survival guides, I should be fine. I ate snake for the first time today. It didn’t taste bad.

Candida nodded to herself. She had heard about this kind of thing. There were people who went out into the desert and...

A)Did drugs

B)Starved themselves

C)Dehydrated themselves

D)Did any combination thereof, until they nearly got themselves killed.

They called it “vision quest”, or “seeking enlightenment”, and sometimes “finding yourself”. Candida couldn’t see the point of the search. She only had to look inside her head to find herself.

16-2-17

This might be my last entry in this journal. I almost got to a gas station today. I took a nap before I reached my destination. When I put my shoes back on; a scorpion stung me. The coyote seems to be amused by my pain. I feel like I’m going to die.

What she needed now was the vision.

16-2-17

I had a dream that Satan told me that he had place waiting for me in hell. I heard my wife’s ghost telling me, “don’t die now, otherwise we will never be together ever again.” God told me that he would spare my soul, if I were willing to dedicate my life to Him. I wanted to spend eternity loving Tecla in heaven, not burning in hell for killing people, chopping fingers, fucking whores and being a drunk, so I agreed. When I woke up, I was in a bed. Some nuns from a nearby convent spotted me while on their way back from the city. Fucking nuns saved my sorry ass. How Catholic is that?

I guess Tecla made it to heaven, because my angel was watching over me. I wonder if she’s trying to tell me, “I love you” from a cloud. As I read my previous journal entries, I am certain that this convent is the new vow that I need to take. I’m becoming a nun. It’s not as if I want to have sex anymore with anyone else. I really want to go to heaven so I can be with my beloved for the rest of eternity. I have heard the call. The hard part will be actually following through. But, I love her enough to not love another woman ever again.

Candi read this last entry very slowly with tears in her eyes, as if trying to puzzle out the meaning of each word. Her hope for realizing her forbidden dreams crumbled to dust. She read it a second time, just to be sure. It didn’t seem to make any more sense the second time around. She rolled the computer and put it away in its box. Thoughts were sliding around in her head. A few fought to get her attention:

“Well, I guess some get religious because they see the light and some because they feel the heat. It’s still cool, founding your life on a vision that could be written off as a heat and pain-induced hallucination.” She learned about scorpion stings from her mother. The pain involved was apparently very severe.

“I DON’T BELIEVE IT! There has to be more to her than this” No sooner, than Candida opened her mouth than Mother Carlota entered into the room.

“What are you doing snooping in Sister Sara’s room?” Candi was not able to run away in time. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you look at her.” The mean nun snagged by the arm. “This is no way for you to behave!” Mother Superior brutally flogged Candi for her transgression.