Caroline Ch. 08.03

He looked at me with his eyes full of pain, "Love can be destructive," he said, "and my love for Gianna was like that. Possessive, selfish, and destructive."

He took a deep breath and a couple of sips of wine to compose himself. This was difficult for him, I could tell. Now I knew why he was like he was. He'd been through all this and that had made him into the caring individual that he was. His love for me wasn't possessive, wasn't selfish, and it certainly wasn't destructive. His love built fantastic relationships.

I smiled at him, showing him how much I loved him and he seemed to gather strength to carry on.

"I decided that I must try and put things right. Do what I could. Of course I didn't know that my disappearing for nearly a fortnight had shown Silvio how much I cared for Gianna nor how much Patricia still cared for me. I drove to a phone box and phoned Patricia asking if I could see her and talk things over. She said yes, bless her, and arranged for the kids to stay with her mother for a few days so we could talk. I got home late that evening and we spent most of the night just talking, trying to patch up our relationship. Oh Lena, I'd been a bastard to her but she took me back. I couldn't believe it really, but she did. She seemed to understand how I felt about Gianna. We had another 12 years together. Oh it wasn't quite the same, our marriage became much more open and she had a couple of liaisons, but generally we were happy and managed to bring the kids up OK. Then she found this bloke, as I told you, and it ended. I didn't blame her at all so it was pretty friendly.

"I had to see Gianna as well. To make my peace with her and," he began to cry gently as the power of the memory overcame him, "to say goodbye to my love for her. So I spoke to Silvio. Now he realised how much his coming back had cost me, he didn't mind me speaking with Gianna alone. I told her how sorry I was for the way I treated her and I told her that I still loved her but that, now, I had to put that love behind me. I remember her holding both my hands," he looked at us both again by now having regained his control, "like you two now and telling me that she loved me still and would always love me. She asked me to forgive her for going back to Silvio, it was her duty. Of course I forgave her. I realised that my love for her was changing, I was thinking of her now, not myself. I wanted her to be happy with Silvio and I told her so. I said I would love her for always," he looked at me and smiled. "Don't worry Lena, my love for her is just a memory buried away inside my mind, I love you now, only you; totally and completely."

He turned to Jo, "I love you as well," he said smiling at her, "you know that don't you but not the same as Lena." Again he looked at us both, "You do understand don't you?"

I was sniffling by now, sad at the story he had told us. I began to realise how he had become what he was. What pain he had to endure to get where he was today.

"Don't cry," he said softly stroking my cheek, "it's all in the past now. I'm glad I've told you." He looked anxiously at me, "It doesn't change anything does it?"

"Change anything? No of course it doesn't. I love you so how could it change anything. Thank you for telling me, us. It must have cost a lot."

"It's a painful memory," he said. "Thankfully, with the help of Patricia, Silvio and Gianna, I have been able to put it behind me. My only real regret is that I can't acknowledge Guy. Gianna is firm on that. She felt that telling him who his real father is would undermine Silvio with the rest of the children. I don't know, maybe she's right. I think that Bernardo suspects something. He was a bright 10 year old when Silvio returned so he must have noticed something. I don't know."

"Will he ever know," I asked.

"I don't know. Possibly if anything happened to Silvio Gianna might consent to him knowing, I don't know. To a certain extent I think she's a bit ashamed, you know, of having an affair."

"She certainly shouldn't be," said Jo stiffly. "Silvio abandoned her didn't he?"

"Yes he did but you must understand her background. She came from a traditional Italian family, brought up religiously. Duty is all, you see and once married, always married, so she had difficulty with it all. Particularly when he returned. For these reasons I think she did feel guilty about our relationship and the fact that she still loved me. Having had a child by me as well just added to the problem. I don't think she would want to admit it to her other children."

"But it's not fair," I said tearfully. "Oh I know you were selfish but he is your son isn't he?"

He smiled his wan smile, "I learnt a long time ago, precious, that life isn't fair. At least I got to see some of his growing up. Silvio has always been considerate in that respect. I think he understood how much Guy meant to me and, in a way, he was grateful for me looking after Gianna and his children. I know he felt terribly guilty about it all. At least we remained good friends."

Jo suddenly looked at him, "That's why you had to go through everything with Maria isn't it? Because Gianna would know?"

"Yes," he smiled, "she would have realised that Maria had never seen me unless I told her."

"Hang on," I said, "she knew you had a vasectomy. How did you get round that?"

Again that sad smile, "I lied. I told her I had it reversed because Patricia and I wanted another child when we got back together. Oh I don't think she believed me for one minute but she had no other candidate did she?" He took a deep breath, "I've been very lucky," he said sadly, "the women in my life have been marvellous. I don't know where I'd be without them. Without you."

He was obviously feeling low now about himself after telling us his story and I thought he needed cheering up. "Look Mike, it might just be you, you know. Patricia might have taken you back because you were man enough to admit how wrong you were, Gianna might have loved you because you looked after her and her children. I love you because you are you, kind, honest, thoughtful and completely unselfish. Jo?"

She smiled at him, "Yes, I love you because you are a nice person and because you love Lena in the way you do. You mustn't berate yourself you know." She knelt up to his face and kissed him, holding him tightly. "You paid for what you did didn't you and you're still paying aren't you? So don't feel bad. We both love you."

He held his arms open and we both went to his embrace as he held us so tightly. His emotions were almost palpable, bringing me close to tears. Then he kissed us both. "Thank you both," he said, "for listening and for being you," and he kissed us both and everything seemed to be all right.

"Now," he said getting hold of himself, "I'm glad that's done. Perhaps I can relax now. Shall we eat out again tonight, I rather fancy that place on the corner in the town?"

We both agreed and he was back to normal!

So Friday evening went quite well and that night we all slept together. Nothing happened for several reasons. I just wanted to hold him and I think he wanted the same. Jo wanted to hold him as well and she was, of course, saving herself for Saturday. As the next few days are really Jo's story I'll hand over to her to tell you all about them.

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To be continued: