Carpe Fucking Diem

"I want to die now." Doug said and Jade shot up straight in shock.

"No." She said curtly, she was far from ready to let him go anywhere.

"Now." He repeated.

"Fuck, Doug. No!" She raised her voice.

"Help me." He started to turn to look at her, she dropped her head, she would not look in his eyes.

"No." She whispered. She knew what he was asking her to do, they had discussed it. Doug wanted to leave on his own terms, there wasn't going to be a miracle; not for him. His outcome was death, the only part of his death that he could control somewhat was the amount of suffering he was willing to accept to live. No, not live – breathe.

"Please." His voice was shaky and hoarse and filled with unimaginable pain.

"I can't. I'm sorry, I'm a coward. I don't care if the world thinks me a coward but I cannot do what you're asking. And I know... I know... I said I would help, but... but that was when you could still move and end your life yourself if I chickened out. It was easier to say yes. But you can't now, and you can't ask me to do it." There were two rivers running down her cheeks, with tears dripping off her chin, she didn't really take note of them although she knew they were there because each new tear blurred her vision anew.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." Her voice faded into a whisper, still repeating how sorry she was that she had proved to be weak, not the pillar of strength that he had thought her to be. If he thought that at all.

"I'm done my love." Doug whispered softly.

"No, please no." She begged.

"I can do it alone, you need to leave Jade." His voice sounded firmer and less shaky than it had been in months, he was determined.

"No." She whispered.

"You'll stop me if you stay, go Jade."

"I know I'll stop you, but I'm not going." He barely heard her whisper, she said it so quietly, but he did hear and the cry that came from his chest was naked in its pain and desperation. He sounded much worse than a wounded animal, he sounded like a man who was hanging from a noose, slowly strangling to death. Instinct made her want to lean over and comfort him, she had to resist.

Doug screamed in anguish again, this time she saw what was left of him, the Doug she had loved was being eaten by a darkness as helpless and hopeless as the depths of Tartarus. The glimmer of light she saw deep inside was what was left of Doug, and it was being eaten by blackness, and she was allowing it.

He screamed again and a part of her brain she didn't know she possessed took over, she didn't think, she merely acted. She pulled Doug over her and placed his head on her breast, she had an arm around his neck and she adjusted her grip so that her hand closed over his screaming mouth. She pinched his nostrils with her other hand and used the wrist to push down harder on the hand on his mouth. Doug began to struggle immediately and she cried because his struggles were so weak.

The silence as he died and she killed him was unbearable and without noticing it, she began to softly sing.

"So kiss me and smile for me..." She twisted her neck to put her head against Doug's, avoiding his bulging eyes, his struggles were even weaker now.

"Tell me that you'll wait for me..." She choked and sobbed and knew she had passed the point of no return.

"Hold me... like you'll never let me go..." She couldn't go on. She sat on the bed, hanging on to Doug's head, which suddenly felt much heavier. The silence was like something sucking the air out of the room. She sat like that until her arms ached and her eyes and mouth were dry. She looked down at him. He was gone, he slipped out of his life and she didn't even know when. He was there one second, she knew he was there – and then he wasn't. How could he go without her even feeling it? But he had, he had slipped into a moment only he was privy to, the moment where now is forever. And she had continued on to the next second that ticked by, already he was in the past and gap grew every time the clock ticked.

"Cause you're leaving... on a jet plane... don't know when I'll see you again..." She relaxed her aching arms and Doug's head tumbled down off her chest and over to the other side. She began to weep in earnest, and almost the same cry erupted from her own chest, the difference was there was life in this cry, life and immense pain, not death and only death. She cried for Doug, for herself, for their children. For all that would never be and all that had been. When she was done she got off the bed and then went around to Doug's side and pushed and pulled his body into position on his back. She gently laid his head back on the pillow and his mouth fell slightly open. She closed it, and then kissed his lips for the last time.

She went to the couch against the wall and picked up her phone.

"Mom." She said when the call connected.

END