Carson Evolved Ch. 13

As one, the Lionesses crept closer to Carson and laid hands on his body wherever they could. They stroked him and petted him, trying to give him comfort through physical connection. Mara and Mila were the closest to his head. Mara pulled his head to her chest and stroked his hair. She'd never seen Carson like this, and it frightened her. But, what could she do?

Through their bonds with Carson, Sam and Cara could feel his anguish. Their perception of his bond to each of the other women was dimming. Where once they radiated from Carson like plasma bolts too intense to view, they were thinning and weakening. It was like Carson was pulling back from them all.

In desperation, Cara forged a connection to Carson's mind. She'd done it once before by accident, but in her panicked state, she threw herself towards him mentally. She was new to this, and at first, she had trouble understanding what she was seeing. She was in the kitchen of a house. There were people milling around, grazing on hors d'oeuvres and murmuring quietly. There was a somber tone to the assembly. She realized that this was the wake following a funeral.

Her attention was drawn to a faint rhythmic sound that seemed to emanate from somewhere upstairs. Each cycle was the same: two rapid thumps, followed by a brief silence. Then it repeated. Over and over, the same sequence. Leaving the mourners, Cara followed the echoes, the sounds getting louder the closer she got to their source.

She turned a corner at the top of the stairs. The sound seemed to be coming from the closed door at the end of the hall. Feeling the same trepidation she'd feel if she were a character in a horror vid, she slowly made her way down the hall. Coming to a halt outside the door, the sound was at its loudest. Underneath it, though, underneath it she heard sniffles, and a voice quietly talking. Her hand shaking, she tested the doorknob. To her surprise, it turned easily and the door swung open without a sound.

When she saw what was behind the door, she immediately understood: She was in Carson's mind. Seated on the twin bed across the room was a younger version of Carson. He still wore the black suit and tie, the white shirt blazing in stark contrast. His eyes were bleary, swollen and red. He'd obviously been crying, and it had been going on for some time. She took a few halting steps towards him, hesitating to see if he reacted, but he took no notice. He was throwing some sort of ball against the wall. Unceasingly, it struck the floor and caromed off the wall, before returning to its point of origin. Thump, thump, pause.

Carson was sniffling, and he was murmuring to himself. "I can't believe they're gone...I'm all alone...I'll be good Dad, I swear...I have to make something of myself...I can't believe they're gone...," over and over again in a repeating cycle.

Cara's heart was breaking for him. Obviously, she was witnessing the aftermath of the death of his parents. She wanted to comfort him. Slowly, she moved to sit next to him. He stopped mid-phrase when he felt her hand on his shoulder. Like a puppet, his shell-shocked eyes turned towards hers. "They're gone," he stated sadly, before his eyes returned to the floor.

"I know, Carson. I'm so sorry," she said.

"I promised my dad that I'd be good. He always made me promise before he left. He'd say, 'Carson, I'm trusting you. Be good while I'm gone.' I'd always smile and say, 'I'll be good, Dad.' He always said to treat people the way they wanted to be treated. I always thought it was funny, because usually people say to treat others like you'd want to be treated. But Dad always said, 'If you really want to make a connection to people, Carson, you've got to try to meet them where they are. Treating them how you want to be treated doesn't mean they'll like it.' Wasn't that smart?" young Carson asked Cara.

She nodded, still struggling to grasp what it was that she was seeing. Suddenly, it dawned on her. Carson is trying to be good by being what everyone wants. He was obviously terrified of being alone because of something he said or did.

He looked at her with fresh tears in his eyes. "I'm alone and they're gone." Then he returned to tossing the ball.

Cara scrambled to think of a way to help Carson. If this was the kernel at the core of his being, his image of self, it would explain so much about his approach to life. The question was, how much could she change without changing what made Carson, Carson?

Finally, she settled on helping him cope with his anguish, rather than eliminate it. She laid her hand on his thigh and the ball stopped in his palm. "Carson? I know you're hurting, and from where you sit, it feels like the sun has gone out and you're trapped. But I need you to know that there is a brighter day coming for you. The hurt and the pain will always be with you, and those are real, valid feelings. There will come a time in your life, though, when you have the opportunity to lay down that hurt. Not because you've forgotten it, but because you have healed from the pain. It's okay to be happy and to feel love. I know this, because I love you. I love you sooo much. And I'm not the only one. There are many, many people who love and respect and admire you, Carson. And, if you let them, if you come out of your room and let them love and support you, you will be free.

"I'll be there always, Carson. Your wives, your mother-in-law, your lovers—they all want to be there with you forever. It's time to stop worrying and begin to believe in yourself." Then she leaned over and gently kissed his cheek before she made her way out his door.

Returning to the group, she softly relayed to the others what she'd witnessed. "He's terrified that he's going to do something that will make us leave." With a tear leaking from her eye, she laid her hand on his thigh. "He thinks that if he doesn't do enough for us, he'll end up alone." She looked at the others in dismay. "We couldn't possibly have chosen a worse way to approach tonight, than saying he was being selfish."

Elsa protested. "We didn't mean it that way!"

Tilda nodded in agreement, but conceded that it might have been a trigger. "We know that; how do we convince Carson?" Looking around at the blank faces in the group, it was obvious that none of them had a good answer to the question.

Mila was gently stroking Carson's hair. He seemed to be calming a bit, and before long, he drifted off to sleep. She didn't look up, didn't pause in her loving attention to her husband. Quietly, she said, "We need to marry him. For real."

The others looked at her in confusion. They couldn't all marry Carson. And Mara, Mila, and Sam were already married to him.

Helena thought she understood what her daughter was saying, but wanted her to explain it. "What do you mean, dear?"

"The only one of us that had an actual wedding with Carson was my sister. Sam and I basically just did some paperwork and we were hitched. The rest of you haven't even gotten that much."

"I already told him that I consider myself his fourth wife," stated Corinne. "I'm just waiting on my new documents to show up before my name change becomes official."

The others gasped at this. "You're changing your name for him? Why?" asked Tilda, before pointing out that they couldn't be legally married.

Corinne shrugged. "It was important to me. Maybe it's just symbolic. But I felt like I needed to show him somehow that I was serious when I said that I will be by his side for the rest of my life, if he'll have me."

Tapping her teeth with a fingernail in contemplation, Elsa said, "You made an overt statement of commitment. Hmmm." Turning to Mila. "Is that the kind of thing you're talking about?"

Mila frowned without taking her eyes off Carson. "I wasn't thinking along those lines, and I know how important your family names are to you and the project. I was thinking something more along the lines of some sort of commitment ceremony. We all wear his Pride rings, but he kind of just gave those to us."

Sam looked around the group and thought, This night has certainly turned out differently than we expected. She cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. "Mila brings up a good point about the rings, and Corinne has certainly made a commitment with her name change. I...well, the way the project usually works, it makes sense to maintain your family name. But can any of you truly envision yourself wanting to be with someone else?" she asked looking around. Her question was met with shakes of the head throughout.

She continued. "What we're building here, isn't really what the project had in mind. It's unique, and new, and it might make some hardliners cringe. But I feel like it's better than the old plan. So, why not commit to a new way of thinking, too?"

"What are you saying?" asked Cara.

"I'm saying that if we're really going to be a family, if this is really going to be Carson's house, then Mila's absolutely right. We need to make a formal, visible commitment to him, and to each other."

As her idea percolated through the group, quiet murmuring began as they discussed the implications and possibilities. The more they discussed it, the more excited the women got. The more excited the women became, the sadder Helena felt. The others were coming around to the idea of changing their last names, but she didn't think it appropriate for herself to join in that way. Despite Thurston's acceptance of her relationship with Carson, it seemed a step too far to disrespect him by taking her lover's name for her own.

"You know, he's given all of us rings. And Mila, Sam and I have wedding rings," espoused Mara. "I gave him a wedding ring when we got married. What if you each gave him a wedding ring?"

Sam chuckled. "He only has so many fingers, Mara. He's already at eight with just us. Do you really think he's not getting to at least ten? I know he has his eyes on a couple of others already."

"Big Daddy is definitely going to add at least one more to his harem," stated Elsa. "He needs to consummate the match with Orisa to ensure that his claim to the directorship is not able to be challenged. Right now, he's only technically qualified by virtue of their petition."

Sam and Helena looked at each other in concern. They hadn't thought of that, nor had they considered that someone might challenge his qualifications. That would throw quite the proverbial wrench into the works.

Looking down at her Lioness ring, Corinne couldn't help but appreciate the fine detailing. It wasn't the kind of wedding ring she'd ever have chosen, but now? She couldn't imagine cherishing any other ring more. As her eyes wandered over the intricate detailing of the ring, they were drawn time and again to the jeweled eyes. Carson's red ruby eye side-by-side with her blue moonstone. That's when it hit her. "You know what I love the most about my ring? It's that it looks like the others, except that one little part where Carson customized it just for me. He took the time to choose a stone that he thought characterized me. And he did it for all of you, too."

"Go on," encouraged Sam, immediately seeing the implications.

"What if we each gave him something that symbolized our love for him, our vision of him? I don't think a ring will work, since he's just one guy with only so much room on his fingers. But what if he had a bracelet or necklace that had custom charms or beads or something? That could be added to each time someone joined our family. Heck, we could even add little dangling human figures to symbolize children, if we wanted. My mom had a bracelet like that, with a charm for each of her four kids. She even added little rings around their necks when my siblings got married."

"That's actually a really cool idea," stated Elsa. "So, do we just find what we want and give it to him? Or do we do it together?"

Helena spoke up. "To me, if you're trying to make a statement not only about your personal commitment to Carson, but also to each other, then it needs to be done together. You should have a ceremony, and each of you can give your thoughts, your pledge—whatever—and explain the symbolism of your charm or...what about having interlocking links made? If we have a pendant made symbolizing Carson at the center of the family, you could have flat metal links made that could contain whatever symbology you wanted, but they would connect to each other, further cementing the connection between you all."

Mara was looking at her mother suspiciously. "Why are you talking like that?" she asked quietly.

Helena looked away and replied, "I don't know what you mean."

"Yes you do. You keep saying 'you' to us like you're not part of the family. Why?"

Her mother looked stricken. "You should know, these have been some of the happiest times of my life since Carson joined the project."

"But..." prompted Mila.

Sighing, Helena said, "But, I can't go as far as you can. I love Carson to death, and I'll be forever grateful for Aubrey. I'm married to Thurston, not Carson. As much as I love what I have with Carson, I do love my husband, too. He doesn't deserve to be disrespected like that. And honestly? I think Carson would have a problem with me doing it too."

"So what are you saying?" asked Mila. "Are you leaving Carson?"

Helena felt nervous with so many eyes focused on her and fixed her gaze in her lap. "I don't want to, but if I can't do what you all want to do, how can I say I'm really committed to him?"

Sam moved around to sit next to Helena and took her hand. "I think you're missing the point. If we do this, it's doing what we can to show Carson that we're committed to him, for better or for worse. You're right; Carson would be very unhappy at the thought of causing a problem between you and your husband. But you are still a part of this family. You're like a mother to us all, and we need that perspective. So, make the commitment that you can, one that you, your husband, and Carson can all live with. And things continue pretty much like they already have. It's all symbolism anyway, isn't it? The Lioness rings, our necklace or charms or whatever we decide on—they all serve the same purpose."

Helena burst into tears and immediately felt stupid for doing so. But she couldn't argue with Sam's logic, and the relief from her fears of losing Carson from her life simply overwhelmed her. She threw her arms around Sam's neck and pulled the younger woman close. "Thank you," she whispered. "I needed that."

Sam whispered back, "Isn't that what family does for each other?"

The discussion continued as plans were made, ideas evaluated, and a new course of action decided. All the while, Carson slept, oblivious to how the structure of his life was about to change yet again.

When he woke midway through the night, it took Carson a moment to get his bearings. He was lying on the cushions in the pit, and he could feel a warm body behind him. In the dim light, he could see that a de facto mattress had been formed in the open space using the rest of the cushions and pillows. Near as he could tell, his entire Pride was sleeping together. Sam and Cara were spooned together, Cara behind Sam. Corinne and Elsa had apparently fallen asleep sitting up next to each other, since each one's head was leaning against the other's. Carefully turning over to avoid disturbing his sleeping partner, he wasn't surprised to find Mila laying there. Of all his wives and lovers, she was the one who seemed to enjoy simply sleeping in his presence the most. Even in the semi-darkness, he could the hint of a contented smile on her lips.

As he studied her face, her eyes eased open and her smile grew. "Hey," she whispered quietly.

"Hey yourself," he replied, just as softly. "What's all this?"

Mila's face softened, and she reached out with a hand to stroke his cheek. "We didn't want you to wake up alone. You are never alone in this family. We're so proud of you, and you take such good care of us. It broke our hearts to see you so upset earlier. D'ya wanna talk about it?"

"Not really," he whispered with a frown. "I shouldn't have broken down like that. It's not fair for me to be so selfish. If anyone needs to leave, I'll understand."

She leaned in and kissed his forehead before resting her own against it. She looked into his eyes with a look of fierce determination. Urgently, she whispered, "Carson, I need you to listen to me very carefully. There's not a selfish bone in your body. If anything, you're too unselfish. And no one is leaving. Ever. I don't know why you believe you're not worthy of our love, or why you think, even after all this time, that you're somehow going to lose us. But you have to stop. I don't know any other way to say it, but we feel like a single unit with lots of bodies. Quinn never felt like that to any of us, and she left. But we do. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner we can all get on with the business of making this house the greatest ever."

Carson couldn't speak. He was afraid to give voice to his fears. Instead, he closed his eyes on the fresh tears pooling there, and nodded his agreement.

"Good," whispered Mila. "Now roll over so we can get some sleep. I'm exhausted."

It wasn't long before he could feel the deep rhythmic breathing that indicated that Mila was asleep. He didn't drift off again for some time. For the first time in years, he remembered the feeling of emptiness and abandonment from the day of his parents' funeral. And he wondered, having reconnected with his father however briefly, what the future held for them.

When he awoke the second time that morning, he found that only Helena remained. Somehow, his head was in her lap, and she was stroking his hair. Carson stretched a little before he playfully turned and snuggled into her belly like an overgrown child, prompting a chuckle.

Can you hear me? she thought.

Yes.

Are you feeling better? Can you talk about what brought that on last night?

Carson grimaced. He really didn't want to open that door. And yet he knew that he owed that much at least to the women who shared his life. With a sigh, he began to tell her about the shock of finding out that his father was still alive, and that there was some threat out there that he wasn't aware of. Once he got started, though, Carson caught a case of verbal—in this case, mental—diarrhea; things came out in a turbulent flow. He gave thought to the stress he'd been feeling over dealing with Eisenfaust, knowing that he was neglecting Orisa, and even the bizarre incident with Addison and her desire to be a sex slave to the family. He told her about his guilty feelings over impregnating Aria, now that Jordan had reappeared and seemed to be turning over a new leaf.

As he talked, the list of things that plagued his thoughts grew longer and longer. Helena tried to keep a straight face, but she was astonished at all the stressors that Carson was dealing with. She thought she understood a little more about how they'd arrived at his mini-breakdown as well.

You know, it's okay to be human, Carson.

From the expression on his face, she could see that he didn't really understand what she was saying. She stroked his face, the depth of her love for him evident. She began, Carson, you are the strongest, most amazing man I've ever known...

He started to roll his eyes like he usually did when he got those sorts of compliments, but when she saw it, she pinched his cheeks together through his mouth, making him look like prezki.

Don't do that, she thought at him with a scowl on her face. Don't dismiss the good things that people say about you. You are worthy of being loved. You are strong and intelligent, and courageous and kind and a million other traits that make others love and admire you. And, you...are...not...alone. You don't have to do it all by yourself.