Cause and Consequence

This was a big no but it was sweet of him. Of course what scared me was the risk of being pregnant. Thankfully two days later I began to spot and I was so relieved I actually shed a tear.

So we returned home and everything was fine for a while. Then Duncan noticed a rash and went to the doctors who after a test announced he had syphilis which of course meant so did I! We were so ashamed and it was even worse when I spoke to the doctor and he seemed to conclude that Duncan had been the guilty one not me.

Anyway we took the pills and made sure we were careful but then after about six weeks I realised I'd missed my period and went to see the doctor again and found out I was pregnant but what would having contracted Syphilis do to our unborn child?

Thankfully nothing but I was worried, very worried. Anyway things moved on for a few weeks until the hospital called me in and I was greeted with a doctor and a counsellor. After a brief chat they hit me with it; I had HIV! Christ for the sake of one brief stupid night I'd fucked up my life!

Then they told me about the various types, didn't know about these and that with the right treatment I might be AIDS free for decades but of course I might not. Then we discussed where it came from and that was confession time. We then discussed what I had to do, or not do from now on. No sharing of a lot of stuff (tooth brushes actually affects me the most), anything that might have blood on it. No unprotected sex and the big one the fact that our unborn child was likely to have it as well. Duncan was tested but thankfully he's clear of HIV.

It was then I wondered about the child's father. We'd only done it a few times since the holiday and always with condoms which made me really worried. In the end I spoke to our doctor who confirmed our fears that it might still have been conceived before my last period since the sex was so close to it.

In the end Duncan phoned the Police in Barbados to give them a retrospective account of my rape; not that it was really but he told them we went for stroll and a guy raped me when I got lost. We were too embarrassed to report it but now in the UK we'd realised our mistake.

I don't think they believed us especially when the HIV and pregnancy came out but they were given a transcript of our UK police interview and set up an investigation. Nothing ever came from it and we didn't press. Regrettably as we both feared the baby does have HIV which is really hard on him plus he is very black.

I cannot stress just how much my black baby and the HIV has torn the family and our lives apart. Stupidly Duncan blamed himself and won't allow me to carry the guilt I deserve. He was the one telling everyone I was raped in the Caribbean then claimed that due to his stupidity we'd covered it up when we should have told the authorities.

My mother hates him and can't understand why I didn't have an abortion even though she knows I'm against them. I've told her a dozen times Duncan was not to blame but what else can I do? Confess I acted like a slut and it's all my fault, which I think it really is?

This happened four years ago and the baby and I are now living with HIV although thankfully not too bad at the moment. So please, please, please read this and remember fantasies are great but never act on them because what I did has ruined so many lives.