Choices and Sacrifices Ch. 11

"Bean," Rochelle rubbed over Sabrina's back while she wept in her palms. Rochelle was holding her 'I told you so' in the back of her throat. She'd known that Sabrina going to see Keegan would be too much and had warned her before she left. But that was something Sabrina just had to see on her own.

The dental office had been closed for nearly 25 minutes and Sabrina knew she'd never make it home feeling so horribly. As soon as she'd come back from seeing Keegan, a cloud had loomed over her head for the rest of the day.

"Am I an unlovable person?" Rochelle almost hadn't heard her behind the walls of her hands. "Is no one capable of genuinely caring for me?" Sabrina asked in hysterics.

Everything fell on her full force. Quincy, her father, Keegan, her mother and sister. No one had the decency in their heart to love her the way she felt she deserved. One after another, they continued to fail and abandon her. Keegan was the tipping point of a mountain tall pile of hurt.

"Do not say that. You are an amazing woman and you are completely lovable." Rochelle hated seeing her best friend this way. She was typically an upbeat, fun and joyous person. She didn't think she'd ever seen Sabrina shed more than one tear at a time. "I love you." She laughed meekly between her friend's sobs. Sabrina chuckled a little. Rochelle sighed.

"You know you still love him, right?" Rochelle said. Sabrina knew. She'd known the day she saw him in the bar with another woman on his arm. That was the most factual thing she knew. But it didn't matter anymore. He had ruined what they had and it had to end there. She kept telling herself there was no way she could go back to him after that. "If you want to keep fighting that feeling, I'll stick with you until the day it goes away. But I'd be just as supportive of you learning to be happy with him again." Rochelle whispered.

"It isn't fair that I let everyone fuck me over and get a second chance." She sniffled roughly. "I shouldn't have to be that forgiving. Especially of people who claim they love me."

"I know, honey. But we aren't talking about your family or Quincy. We're talking about the man you fell in love with. The man who still has your heart."

Should Keegan be held to different standards—standards lower than everyone else? Or were his halfway decent intentions enough to warrant forgiveness?

*

Keegan was lying in bed when he heard a knock on his cracked door. He didn't bother to look.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Bethany ventured inside the pitched black bedroom and Keegan swallowed his annoyance. She sat on the edge of his bed and Keegan eventually slid up his headboard. It was still early in the evening so the open blinds allowed some light to shine through. She twisted her thumb in her hands.

She took an audible gulp.

"I want to apologize to you." Keegan's eyebrows pressed together in a tight line. He hadn't been expecting that. "I also want to thank you." She chuckled to herself. Bethany reached to tuck a lock behind her ear. "I got a teaching job at the elementary school around the corner." Keegan's eyes grew wide.

Bethany had worked hard for her teaching degree and certification back in Florida. When Keegan left, she had been just about ready to start teaching and quit her waitressing job. But his departure had shattered her life and she didn't have the nerve to start anymore. She hadn't had the strength to do anything knowing that he had chose to leave her behind.

"W—wow, I'm really happy for you." That was genuine. He was happy to see her doing better. Happy to see she had something in her life that gave her new purpose.

"Thanks," She looked up at him with a smile. "I know you lost something when you chose to help me." She said it sternly. Keegan looked at the wall beside them. He hadn't told Bethany much about Sabrina or his relationship with her. But she was a smart woman; he wasn't surprised she had pieced enough together by now.

"I'm thankful you sacrificed her for me; I don't—" She stopped to reflect. "I don't think I would've made it if you hadn't been willing to help." Keegan exhaled roughly. Some kind of weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he didn't know what it was or where it came from. Did that make losing Sabrina an easier pill to swallow? In some ways, it did. Knowing he had helped keep Bethany living long enough to find her passion again had made losing the love of his life just a little easier to bare.

"I'm sorry you had to but I'm thankful you did." She wiped her tear away quick enough for Keegan to second guess its existence at all. "I hope you can get her back."

"Don't thank me. I've always cared about you." Keegan stated.

And it was true. He and Bethany had a history that couldn't be forgotten. She had been there when no one else was. When his father was his enemy, she had been the one to make his heart a little lighter. He was forever thankful for his life with her back in Florida. However, he was glad she finally recognized that life had come to an end.

*

"Are you sure about this?" His publisher had asked him with a smile. Walker was of course anticipating the release of Keegan's novel but he had wanted to ask again just to make sure. "You know if—" His tone of caution had been heard too many times for Keegan's taste.

"I already know." Keegan said harshly. "I'm more than certain." His palms were slick and juxtaposed every ounce of confidence in his tone. A lot of people were counting on this book. He'd built up local expectations and he had to exceed them. He was certain his book could do it.

For the first time, his heart was in the paper. He had written from a place that had been locked and sealed away all his life. But he'd had experience to guide him. Having to scrap an entire novel more than 3/4th complete was tough. His publisher gave him hell and he spent many nights back in Florida cranking out something to soothe his worries. That book had been his escape from the world of dealing with Bethany and coping with his loss of Sabrina.

His publisher was beyond impressed and Keegan had been too. He was proud of himself and what he had managed to create.

He had someone special to thank for that.

*

Sabrina opened the dental office door. She was in a great mood; traffic was manageable, she went to be early the night before and she had a new episode of Scandal to look forward to after work. She glanced behind her to say good morning to everyone but was met with multiple pairs of wide eyes. They were all standing around the TV in the waiting room. She looked inquisitively between the staff and patients.

"What?" She asked. She closed the front door slowly, her steaming cup of tea in hand. She sat it on the corner table nearby as she tried to gauge what everyone's problem was. "Why are ya'll looking at me like that?" She tried to lighten the mood by smiling just a bit but no one returned it. Rochelle didn't even smile.

"Sabrina," Sabrina's attention snapped to the television. The TV had just said her name. Her mouth fell open wide with shock and everyone paved a walkway for her to get closer to the screen. She felt her knees grow weak.

"Oh my God," She whispered to herself, her fingers over her upper lip.

Keegan chuckled at the mention of her name. His cheeks grew hot with lustful embarrassment. The woman interviewing him smiled as he did. "Look at how adorable he is?" She asked the audience and everyone cosigned with sounds of agreement. The cameras briefly flashed on some of the women in the audience and they looked knowingly at one another.

Keegan was on WKLZ, Maryland's number one local station, at 9 in the morning saying her name. She looked around the room again—contrary to earlier, some people looked at her with a smirk of knowingness identical to the expressions of the audience members. That seemed to feel even worse than their look of blank wonder.

"So, you mention this woman in your novel, right?" Karen asked him. Keegan nodded curtly. "The first page is a very intimate proclamation of sorts to her—what can you tell us about this mystery woman?—I've heard rumors that you used her real name; you aren't worried about a lawsuit?"

Keegan laughed heftily at her tangent of questions. It was more than clear he was nervous—but he was poised when it came to answering questions about her.

"Yes, I did use her real name." Sabrina's heart sank and fluttered simultaneously. She didn't know how on Earth that was even possible. The crowd erupted into a series of promiscuous 'ooh's. "My publisher was worried about the same thing, actually. And I figured, if she sued me, I'd be happy to be in contact with her for however long the legal battle lasted. Just seeing her in court, even hating me, would be worth all the fees." He laughed toward the end. The audience let out a long 'Aw'. Someone standing behind her did too but she didn't even want to see who it was.

"But, yeah— the first page was the prologue to the story. She is the inspiration for the book so I felt it appropriate to include my love for her, personally."

"And you two aren't together right now?" Sabrina's jaw clenched. Karen was getting a little too in depth for her tastes. She tried to think of who would be watching this right now knowing he was talking about her. Her mother, father, Quincy, her church. The thought made her lightheaded.

"No, unfortunately not. I explain it all in the book, even though it is a science fiction romance, the premise is still the same." Sabrina was heading for the door.

"Well, thank you so much for being here this morning! As a gift, we have a copy of Keegan Luther's novel 'Love Nova' for all of our audience members!" Sabrina could hear Karen speaking behind her as she gathered her things. "If you don't have it already, make sure you grab a copy while you can—it is quickly reaching the top of the charts and selling off the shelv—" That was the last Sabrina heard before her feet were taking off down the street.

She was careful of her tea travel mug but still jogged down the morning streets. She jaywalked across an intersection and raised an apologetic hand while commuters honked at her. She skipped across the green-light intersection until she was safely on the next block. She saw her destination a couple stores ahead and sped up to a full blown sprint.

She walked inside completely out of breath. Still, she charged down the aisles until she saw Keegan's cut out beside a huge table that should have housed his novels. Instead, it was an empty and bare table. The book was sold out.

She needed to read what was in that book.

She looked around the store in search of someone who had it. Strangely enough, she had a few people to choose from. A man stood in line, just about to pay for his book and a sports magazine. He was dressed in slacks and a button down; likely getting ready for his day in the office. Sabrina carefully crept up to him with a smile on her face.

"Hi, good morning—I have a kind of weird question to ask." She started. The man gave her an annoyed but inquisitive look and she decided to push on. "I'll pay you 40 to have that book." It wasn't a question at all. She got straight to the point. He chuckled but made no attempt to hand it over.

"I pre-ordered this book a week ago—no way." Sabrina gritted her teeth and flared her nostrils.

"$75." He thought it over for a minute.

"I'm Sabrina." She whispered it in hopes he'd be more sympathetic. She shifted on her feet nervously. Instead of handing it over without a thought, he opened his mouth to let out a big, smiling gasp.

"The Sabrina in this book?" He had said it too loudly. People around the store were beginning to look in their direction. Sabrina grew annoyed with him.

"Are you going to give it to me or not?" She snapped. He outstretched his hand and Sabrina dug into her purse to retrieve the money. They made the exchange and he was on his way out the door. Sabrina looked around the small store for a seat. A tiny stool sat in the corner. It was obnoxiously uncomfortable but it would serve her purpose.

"To the love of my life, Sabrina: I am not a person without you. Please come back to me. Forgive me." The small segment stood alone on the first page. Before the table of contents—before anything. It had been the very first thing thousands of people around the country saw. Sabrina closed her eyes and fought tooth and nail to regain her composure. How the hell did she think she'd make it through the whole book?

*

The characters were in love—goodness, were they in love. Sabrina sat in bed, willingly allowing herself to be tortured by this fictional reenactment of her life. His words jumped off the page and wrapped their hands around her neck. It robbed her of her breath for just a moment before she decided the exhilaration was worth more than the few seconds of pain in her core. She kept reading as she'd been doing almost all day.

She called Rochelle to give her the heads up that she'd be taking the entire day off. She wouldn't have been able to think knowing that she was doing anything but reading his book. It would have haunted her the entire day. So instead, she spent the entire day reading. She had successfully got through over 100 pages.

So far, Keegan was expertly recounting their love for one another in the most beautiful arrangement of words ever. She felt as if he were there touching her and loving her just as he had been a few months ago. He had made it all feel so real.

Her own broken heart foreshadowed the agony to come for the female character. It seemed as if her love was from a foreign planet. He had failed to tell her of his life before her and now had this woman eating out of his palm. She already felt sorry for her—sorry for herself.

Her phone rang from the bedside end table. She didn't even look at who it was. She answered it while trying to finish the last sentence on the page.

"This man wrote a book about you!" Her mother Erica was screaming. Of course, this would be what it took to get a call from her. "He used your name—you need to file a suit."

"I will not." Sabrina said. While she was annoyed he had used her name, she wouldn't uproot both of their lives by suing him. He hadn't used her last name and he hadn't explicitly stated what they went through. Everything was masked by the science fiction plot of the novel. She didn't mind if those who knew her read it.

"Are you stupid? He had sold over 70,000 copies so far; sue him!" She snarled. Sabrina rolled her eyes. She didn't know if she wanted her to sue because so many people knew her name or because it meant Keegan now had money worth suing over. Either way, Sabrina didn't want to give her a chance to explain.

"Do you have anything else you need to say to me?" Sabrina asked her expectantly.

"I guess not," Sabrina hung up the phone and groaned aloud. How could her mother ruin her mood by doing so little? She turned back to her book and fought hard to immerse herself in it again.

Her phone rang again.

"Yes?" She yelped into the receiver. She put the phone over her shoulder so her hand was free to flip to the next page.

"Are you upset with me?" She slowly sat the book on her lap once again. His voice was so husky and sultry—full of a 10 o'clock exhaustion. Sabrina closed her eyes and let her head sit against the wall behind her. Her loins clenched between her legs and she swallowed her moan.

"I should be." She started with warning. "But I'm not." He chuckled sweetly on the other end.

"I'm really glad you aren't." A small pause fell between them. "Have you read it? Or heard anything about it?" She glanced at the book on her lap with the already creased binding and the dog-eared pages.

"I heard about it." She lied.

"I would love for you to read it one day." He said sweetly. "I wrote it with you in mind—from beginning to end." As if she didn't know. As if she hadn't been shedding tears while flipping pages and hoping the next sentence would tell her how to move on from her pain. Like maybe Keegan had figured it all out and the book was actually some sort of blueprint for her life.

"Maybe one day..." She said quietly. "I'm going to bed though." She didn't want this conversation to go on for more than it needed to. The silence and flirting wasn't something that would make this book any easier to read.

"Okay." He sounded disappointed he had to hang up so soon. "I love you." Sabrina groaned just as her eyes fluttered closed. "Baby—"

"Goodnight." She quickly ended the call and practically threw the phone on the other side of the bed. Her heart was racing and her palms got slick. Venice's head propped up at the sound of the phone thudding beside her.

"Sorry, honey." Sabrina whispered apologetically. She was done reading for the night.

*

Sabrina pulled up to the Dunkin Donuts drive thru ready to order. She was a little early for work so she decided to buy her coffee instead of making it at home.

"Can I get a medium dark roast with extra cream and—"

"We are lucky enough to have Keegan Luther here with us this morning. Welcome!" Someone on the radio pierced through her train of thought. She looked at the digital numbers on her dashboard to make sure that she was hearing correctly—as if looking would help her hear better.

Evidence of his existence had suddenly surrounded her every day since he published his novel. So during the period of their breakup where she was supposed to be collecting her emotions, untainted by anything outside of her own personal thoughts, he was forcing himself into her world with his own written testimony of his love.

"Thank you so much for having me. I'm happy to be here."

"Ma'am?" The person taking her order barked at her. She abruptly turned her head back to the menu and tried to gather her words again.

"Yeah—I'm sorry. Extra cream and regular sugar."

Once she got her coffee, she pulled into the parking lot to listen to the radio. Whenever she heard his voice, she entered some sort of trance like state and couldn't focus on anything else. Despite her desire to move on and let go, her subconscious always wanted to hear him. She wanted to read his work. She wanted to hear his excuses. That had been something new for her.

In her dealings with the people in her life who seemed to repeatedly let her down, she never felt overcome with the need to dive into it. She was fine with ending things and walking away at any trace of their return. Only with Keegan did she feel obligated to torture herself.

"I'm so thankful for all my readers who are supporting me as a creator—I never really had that kind of fan base starting out which I think is important for anyone investing in their art." Keegan essentially had done this by the tugs of his own bootstraps and the support of only himself. His parents had never encouraged his dreams and his piling bills didn't do much to encourage him either. "But Sabrina," Her breath hitched in her throat. "She was there with me when I came home every day just to slave over my laptop— after making 10 dollars an hour. She always believed in whatever kind of scheme I had in my head." The interviewer laughed.

"So she isn't just the muse for the book but she's the reason it ever happened at all?" Keegan answered quickly and excitedly.

"Exactly." A smile in his voice. "I actually," He chuckled. "I remember sitting in the grass with her around the time we'd first met. I was telling her how hard it was for me to write romance novels." It seemed like a funny thought in hindsight. "She told me, 'love is all perceptive'. Meaning that sometimes it isn't easily translated from person to person. We agreed that it would be almost impossible for either of us to write out our emotions. But when I wrote this story, I knew she would know what I felt if she read it. She would feel how much I loved her because I knew she felt it too."