Choices Ch. 04

{This is the last chapter, it ends at now. I have no idea if there will be more, only time can answer that. This isn't erotic, I tell you that up front so as to not disappoint.

I do say thank you to some of you, the kind emails help.

Yet as always, I am only writing this all down for me. A therapy of some kind I don't completely understand, but it helps.}

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Rape. A terrible word, it crosses the lips almost like spittle.

I found myself for weeks deep into the depths of some kind of depression, a sadness I have never known. Fear, also. A noise, the sound of a vehicle coming up the drive caused my heart to beat madly, my face breaking a sweat.

Rape. Such a terrible thing, having someone use force. I think it is true that anyone who would do something like that is expressing anger. It certainly isn't sex.

I have been with several men in my life, all willingly except the one. I am far from pure in that respect, some things I have done drag the feelings of guilt out of the very depths of my soul.

Some of the desires inside me along those lines are also shameful, so there is the internal struggle to be what I am supposed to be with what I know I am.

I pretended to be what I was not in public, I pretended to be what I was not in private with my Tom. None who thought they knew me would believe the sexual teasing creature I became at home, the things I thought and sometimes did in the privacy of my office.

I liked having someone look at me with interest. So many years of my youth and even later I knew that I was overlooked, few paid any real attention to me. I was the wallflower, the one that was just there, always buried in books.

Dumpy, mousy, chubby...efficient. Welcome but always on the outer edges of life.

Lately I have been called beautiful but I don't think that I am. I always took great effort to get my body into the best shape it could be with minor success, then riding that bicycle caused an amazing tranformation. My body snugged, tightened. I really felt attractive. I became less inhibited, much less modest. Tom liked it, so I rationalized, why not?

My Tom realized that the silly sexual teasing, the nudity, was the probable cause of my being attacked and he felt guilt. A man with feelings of insecurity, feelings of rejection, feelings of hatred had acted upon them. I was the target.

In Jonathan's world he was the wallflower, the one overlooked. I treated him, not thinking, in exactly the way I had been treated. I teased Tom and Brad, Jonathan was just there. I tried to analyze the why of it, I think that Jonathan was a male version...of me.

In my office, a male client in my power as their doctor, my control? Their exposure, often compliant yet unwilling, my touch, my feelings of self-gratification so carefully hidden behind a well learned professional manner? Is that really any different? I have to think it is to keep myself sane.

Jonathan tried to take what he knew he could not have, by force. It wasn't even sex, I know that. It was anger, power over me, I had made that mistake of using a flippant attitude towards him.

I saw that hatred in his eyes, I had dreams of his face for weeks on end. There was a vitriol there that chilled me to the bone.

Tom saw to it that I was never alone afterwards. If both Tom and Brad had to be at the jobsite, then Patty was there with me at home. Patty and I had became very close, but even at that it was weeks before I sat with her and we talked about what had happened.

I had looked at Jonathan, noticed his penis as he stood by our hot tub drying himself, naked. It was very long and very thin, curving downward to a huge bulbous head. It looked amusing to me, and I think I let that show. I remember the flash of anger in his face as I looked away. Then when he was there with Tom and Brad, both well built and strong looking men I suspect he felt inferior. Jonathan's body was slender and much less muscular.

Perhaps that was it, I am not completely sure. Could I have handled that better? I think in retrospect perhaps I could have.

Patty and I talked, I told her it wasn't really the invasion of my body that was so disturbing, it was the fear, the pain. My major, my PHD in the inner workings of the human mind should have helped me to understand. It is different dealing with the concerns of others somehow.

I had felt inside that Jonathan had more violent plans for me after his attack, so I had pretended to accept, enjoy him. When he relaxed thinking I was giving in, allowing him to make love to me, I took my chance and grasped him by the testicles, digging in my fingernails with all the strength I had. He screamed and tried to get away, that gave me my chance to roll free and run. There was blood on me, and on the floor when the police arrived. It wasn't mine.

Patty held me as I sobbed, her being right there for me was wonderful. Somehow going into detail, explaining it all lifted a cloud. It was like what I am doing now, writing it all down. Explaining all of my own weaknesses, my deepest inner feelings somehow teaches me and comforts me.

It was just a few days later when I reached for Tom, he responded gladly and we made sweet love like we had so many times before. Then he held me closely as that safe and warm feeling flooded over me.

"I think you are back, hon." Tom whispered in my ear as his hand lightly stroked my side.

"I love you, Tom." I told him. He smiled and brushed his face across my bare breasts getting a giggle from me at the tickling sensation.

Patty moved in with Brad in our spare downstairs bedroom. Tom and Brad had converted it into rather nice living quarters. Patty and I prepared meals, learning from each other in the process. Our menfolk were very well fed and content. The four of is became..a family?

One day after quite some time we were out on the deck. It was a cool Fall day, the leaves outside had those wonderful traces of color, many fluttering down in the slight breeze. I had gone outside to sweep them up, Patty came out to help, then Tom and Brad came out to sit at the outside table.

"Hey, let's fire up the hot tub." Patty said. Both Tom and Brad looked at me for a reaction but I didn't react.

"Sure, a dip would feel good." I told her with a smile. Teasing the guys would be fun, I thought. I even felt that inner tingling at the idea.

She went over and flipped the controls, leaning down to screen some leaves out of the water as the tub filled. Then she went inside, came out wearing a bikini. That surprised me a little bit, I had expected her to just strip and climb in. After all, we all had been in various stages of nudity around the house without any concerns, I think Patty was worried that getting in the hot tub might trigger memories. Actually, it did anyway but it was just a memory, the pain had left me by then. She sat on the edge of the tub and dangled her feet in the water. I walked over and sat beside her, I had on a pair of shorts and a blouse.

"Shall we get in?" She asked me.

"Sure, let's." She slipped into the water, I reached down and tugged my blouse over my head. Standing up, I stripped down my shorts, leaving myself in just a pair of panties. I sat down on the edge of the tub again.

"Is it all right?" Patty asked. I knew what she meant.

"Sure, no problem, I love both you and Brad. Let's tease them."

She grinned and tugged off her top, then stripped down the bottoms.

"Lord this feels good!" She said. I stood up and stripped off my panties, not looking over at Tom and Brad. Then I slid into the water. We splashed around some and then settled back, letting the water jets pound at us. I looked over at our guys, they were grinning but made no move to join us.

When we climbed out and reached for some towels I looked over again, they were pointedly not looking our way. I tugged on my shorts and my blouse as Patty put on her bikini. Then I walked over and sat in Tom's lap.

"Now just what is wrong with you?" I asked him, nipping his earlobe.

"What?" He asked, mildly surprised.

"Naked women in the hot tub and we get ignored." I pouted.

"You aren't being ignored." He said, running his hand up under my blouse and copping a feel.

I laughed, pushed his hands away, got up and headed inside. I stopped at the door, looked back.

"Coming?" I smiled at him. Brad had a grin ear to ear, Patty was in his lap by now. She winked at me as Tom got up and with his arm around me, we went to bed.

Patty was sitting at the kitchen table sipping coffee the next morning. I got a cup and joined her.

"That was fun last night, are you OK with it?" She asked me.

"Yes, I am fine. It was a kick, we really got Tom going!" I grinned at her.

"Brad too, I thought he was going to save me a wax job." She grinned. We both laughed hysterically at that.

"I guess we are a couple of lucky girls, good men who work hard and then come home."

"It sure could be worse, my last boyfriend was always off somewhere. Brad is solid as a rock."

"You know, I tried to seduce him once." She looked at me in surprise.

"Really? What did he do?"

"He told me to cover up, he said he couldn't because of Tom."

"Tom looks at me sometimes but he has never said or done anything."

"Tom likes it when I tease." I admitted.

"Yea, I noticed that. But he has been different lately."

"I know, it's because he feels guilty."

"There was no way for him to know..about Jonathan." She looked at me closely for a reaction. But I was beyond that, determined to get on with my life.

"I love teasing Tom!" I admitted.

"I like teasing Brad too." We grinned at each other. I got up and made some waffles, then we went to town to do the shopping. That afternoon we got on our bikes and rode together down to the little cafe in town. We were both in shorts and halters, cool weather be darned. The lady came out and hugged me, glad to see me. I introduced Patty, she gave her a hug too. The same two older men sat over at their table, they checked us out closely. Two 40ish women in halter tops and shorts when it was just 50° outside was not real common in the tiny cafe. They just grinned at us, we grinned right back.

Our lives became normal, as normal as two couples can get living close to each other. We both ran around the house in various states of undress, both of our guys seemed to get a kick out of it. I did notice that no one else ever came out to the house now. Before we had had several parties, things like that right along.

That all stopped, it was just the four of us. A few times we went out to dinner, our men seemed to be proud of having us on their arms. Patty and I dressed as nicely as we could, nothing outrageous but we both got our share of looks.

We used the hot tub a few more times but the weather was getting too cool for that so Patty and I drained the tub and covered it up for the winter.

There seemed to be some kind of agreement between us, unspoken. I saw Patty several times go out of her way to give Tom a peek, I did the same with Brad. Were we heading towards some kind of eventual sharing? I didn't really know, it was all just fun, something to do to excite our guys.

Just silly sexy stuff, I didn't mind Patty teasing, and I had managed to come to grips with the fact that I liked being looked at, noticed.

In a few short months that is what they became somehow, our guys. Brad was gentle and kind to me, Tom was the same. Brad never once tried to touch me, unsure of my reaction I suppose. I even thought about that, I know I would not have resisted if he did reach for me.

There were dreams, I never acted on any of my thoughts, though. The incident with Jonathan became a memory, like a story that happened to someone else.

Then came the phone call one morning not long after the guys had headed in to the job site. It was Brad, his voice was strange sounding. He seemed to be choked up, having trouble getting the words out.

The crew had been loading some steel beams, Tom was directing. Something broke or slipped, one of the beams swung and hit his head. Tom had his hard hat on, that saved him from instant death but he was badly hurt. Patty and I rushed down to the hospital, she drove because I was a basket case.

We had to wait at the trauma center until a social worker came out. Tom was under medication. They needed to get the swelling down, then there would be surgery. I explained who I was, asked for the medical charts they had so far. There was quite a bit of discussion but finally they handed them to me, still hand written notes. I read them, I knew at a glance at the MRI reports that Tom the way he was before very likely might not be again. Hematoma, blood that is so needed for the brain to function is also toxic when outside the brain.

I went into his room in ICU, held his hand as he lay there, the bandages hiding most of his face. His breath came in ragged gasps. It was very late before we finally left.

I managed to contain my emotions until Patty and I were back in the Van, then I let it all go. I think I swore at God, how bad could things get for us?

They got worse. We were back at the hospital the next morning just before they took Tom in. One of the doctors came out to speak to me after several hours.

Tom never came out of surgery.

I sat and looked at him in shock. Then Patty hugged me, held me until I got myself back under some semblence of control.

There were arrangements, then paperwork, the funeral. Brad and Tom had taken out a survivorship clause, both companies were dependent on each other of course. I suspected it was more likely Brad's idea rather than Tom's.

But Brad didn't have the capital to continue, and there were no such things as loans the way the economy was going.

I had the capital, so I financed the rest of it. Actually, through Tom's company I was anyway. The check from the casino win I inherited from my friend Lee came through right on time, that helped. The project stayed on time. I just let Brad deal with the details, he was managing fine, too. One day he handed me a notice of transfer, I glanced at it not caring. The profits were good, Tom and Brad had done well with the bids.

The legal trappings are so different when a person is married. Tom and I were not, we were just friends in the eyes of law. The coastal property did not fall to me as an inheritance, instead It fell to me as an unpaid contract.

For weeks I walked around in a daze, my world could never be the same. Patty knew, she tried. So did Brad, having them around was a help.

One evening as we prepared for bed, Patty took my hand and smiled.

"Come on." She said to me. I meekly went with her. The three of us spent the night in each other's arms. No, not sex, we just held each other. Patty knew what I needed, so did Brad.

I slept naked except for a thin nightdress, pressed up against him, he just held me. Safe and warm, I slept like I had not for a very long time.

I woke the next morning with my head on his chest, he was softly snoring. Patty was awake, she looked over at me and smiled.

We still sleep together often, Brad has never tried to do anything other than put his arm around me, hug me, he strokes my sides sometimes to comfort me.

I know how odd that sounds but Brad hasn't, not even once. I wouldn't stop him if he wanted me but he just doesn't, so it never comes up. I also know Patty would not be upset, she told me so.

She also told me that if that didn't work we could go out and find me a man, but I don't want to.

Sometimes they wish to be alone, I stay out in the living room. We are...friends? The three of us. Some of you emailed, not knowing where this story was heading. Well, this is where, to... nowhere. Days start, then end, that is all there is.

I will return to work soon, I think I can. I think I have to. Perhaps then my life will change, head somewhere.

Everything before this was last year, this is now.

For now, it is enough.