Chords that Bind Ch. 14: Sonata

In her husband's arms, Clara cried out her tearful goodbye. She didn't want to be selfish; she knew Abe was right, that if Cecilia wanted to put everything behind her, it would be wrong to prevent her from moving on. Clara was sorry to see her friend go. In the year they'd spent together under the same roof, Clara had gotten to know Cecilia well, or so she thought. Now that Cecilia was leaving, Clara wondered if what they'd had was friendship or if Cecilia was just surviving as best she could. "Cry it all out Clara." Abe rubbed her back. "Get it out now so you can be strong tomorrow."

***

Leaving Abe and Clara at the gate to her terminal was draining. The couple obligingly helped her check her luggage once they arrived at Heathrow. Cecilia tried to insist on taking a cab, but they refused, insisting on driving her. Finally, Clara mentioned keeping in touch and gave Cecilia her screen name on Skype. With this cliché platitude, Cecilia knew they'd reached the end of their acquaintanceship. Abe cleared his throat when Clara mentioned phoning them after she landed.

"I'm sure James will let us know. You and he should be landing at the same time. You do have his flight number, just in case he gets delayed?"

"Yes. I've got it."

"Well then. I suppose this is it." Abe gave Cecilia a one-armed hug. "Take care of yourself and send our love to James too. Best of luck to you."

"Thank you for everything. For saving me. F-for sending me home. I mean it. I owe you twice now."

"Think nothing of it. You made life a bit more interesting for awhile there." Abe cracked a smile.

Clara was strangely emotionless. "Cecilia, do be safe. I want you to know how lovely it was to have you. I'm going to miss the fun we had together. Do think about calling or messaging me? I'd love to hear how you're doing." She threw her arms around Cecilia and hugged her tightly.

"Thank you for everything. Really. I don't know how I can thank you both." Cecilia felt she should say more, tell them how much she'd miss them. Instead she glanced at her phone. "Well, it's time for me to go. They'll be boarding soon. Thanks again."

***

The air pressure in the cabin finally stabilized, and Cecilia's ears popped so violently she couldn't believe the businessman next to her couldn't hear it.

Cecilia silently wept as her plane ascended, taking her away from England. Keeping a stiff upper lip took too much energy, and she'd have to regain control of her emotions once she landed and met James. For now though, she closed her eyes and hoped no one would notice. A flight attendant tapped her on the shoulder with a knowing look and handed her an eye mask like one would wear to sleep. Perfect. Now no one else would see while she got herself back together.

It seemed so unfair. After being kidnapped, beaten, abused, and rescued you'd think that maybe there would be a happy ending. Instead she had all the baggage of her traumatic experience and some short-lived friendships that wouldn't survive the trans-Atlantic distance.

Once she blocked out the people around her, Cecilia heard a familiar voice.

See? I told you they wouldn't want anything to do with you. What? Did you think they would KEEP you? You're no better than a stray cat. Don't go getting all sentimental to see James either. In case you didn't notice, they're happy to be getting rid of you. He doesn't want an ugly slut like you. Abe and Clara are glad you won't be a burden to them anymore. It's time you face facts: You think you're owed some happily ever after? James discharged his promise, and that's more than enough where you're concerned. If there are knights in shining armour, than they won't be after you. You're an inconvenience, not a damsel in distress.

The prospect of returning home to an empty apartment and a dead-end job meant that her mother's voice got bolder and interrupted her thoughts more frequently.

It was a long flight back to Philadelphia.

At customs, Cecilia felt a wave of anxiety that her passport wouldn't be accepted. Instead, the officer stamped her passport and welcomed her home.

Home was a surreal word to use here. The poetic rhythm of posh English accents was replaced with harsher American tones in a polyglot of variants. Cecilia walked over to luggage claim and let the cacophony of the airport insulate her. She wondered if the skyline would look the same, and if she'd still be able to navigate the city with the same ease she used to. Cecilia hadn't considered not remembering how to get around anymore. She'd only thought up to this point, and now . . . She didn't pay close attention as suitcases spun their way around the carousel.

James saw Cecilia walk over to collect her things, and then stand still looking out into space. He swallowed. For the flight she'd worn comfortable leggings and an oversized sweater that emphasized her daintiness. After months away, James forgot the affect she had on him.

She didn't see him as she walked past. "Cecilia. Cecilia!"

An elegant voice cut through Cecilia's daze. Then a hand was at her shoulder making her jump. "Cecilia."

"Oh!" she cried out in surprise. "James! I didn't think you'd be here yet."

He tried to let her catch her breath. "My flight was early, so I thought I'd meet you here." He motioned to her carry-on. "Here, allow me."

Cecilia easily gave up the messenger bag with her books and music. "Thank you."

James hugged her stiffly as he took her bag. "I'm glad to see we both made it."

"Yes." They stared at the revolving parade of luggage waiting for her suitcase to appear. Conversation stalled. James' elation at seeing Cecilia simply wouldn't go away. He never was any good at small talk, but he tried. "It's not often the airlines cooperate for such a perfect international rendezvous."

"No. Oh! That's mine. And there's the other one." Cecilia grabbed her suitcase and the garment bag, but James relieved her of the unwieldy items, awkwardly handing back her messenger bag. "Is that everything?"

It all seemed very final. "Yes."

"Alright. Ready to be home?" James plastered a smile on his face. He didn't want to leave her yet.

"Of course. Thanks for coming to make sure I made it alright." Cecilia didn't know how much longer she could stand this proximity. "I'll just grab a cab."

"Don't be silly. I'll pick up my rental car and see you safely home. Like I promised."

"You don't have to, you know. I'm sure you're busy. Didn't Clara say you had a performance tonight?"

"I do, but it's a solo performance, so I don't have to meet anyone at a specific time for a rehearsal. Let me do this for you."

Cecilia was going to resist. "I'm taking you home, Cecilia." His voice came out ever so slightly clipped, and sent a shiver down her spine. He didn't wait for her; he seized her suitcase and set off down the terminal, expecting her to follow.

She walked quickly to catch up with him. He smiled when she fell into step with him. He just couldn't help himself with her. But this wasn't harmful, only gentle teasing, and he knew that once he saw her home it'd be over for good and all. Now that his penance was almost over he felt his guilt lifting. He could take pleasure in knowing he'd done the right thing. Even so, he should have thought better of the suggestion he was about to make. He turned to her and asked, "I don't suppose you'd like to come to the performance tonight? I can get you a ticket."

Cecilia blushed deeply and blinked repeatedly. " Umm... I'm... maybe... but I have so many things to sort out... not that I wouldn't like to..."

James heard her evasive let down and nodded. "Of course. I understand, naturally." It hurt that she didn't want to stay with him longer, but he wouldn't hold that against her. "I just remembered you'd mentioned coming to a concert in London, and since it doesn't look like we'll have the chance, maybe I could make it up to you tonight."

"Oh." He'd been trying to be kind too. "Yes, we did talk about that. But I don't think it's a good time."

James picked up his rental car, and opened the passenger door to let Cecilia in. "I know Britain is in the minority with left-hand drive, but it still takes getting used to." He kept smiling at her. Cecilia didn't think she could stand any more of his pity. She nodded at him.

"I've got Sat-Nav. Just tell me where to go."

Cecilia gave him the address of her South Philadelphia apartment, and he slid the German sedan into gear. Pulling out of the airport, they crossed the Delaware River, and Cecilia saw the Liberty Towers crowning the skyline. She gasped. Even the ugly Comcast building looked beautiful as it reflected the mottled blue tones of the cloudless sky back at her. It was sunny in Philadelphia today, and for a moment Cecilia did feel a sense of joy and homecoming at returning to the City of Brotherly Love.

James' heart swelled at the sound of Cecilia's excited gasp. "Missed it?" He was happy to finally be the source of some pleasure for her.

"I did." She said breathlessly. "It hasn't changed much. I wondered if it would look very different. It's like it was waiting for me." She sounded alittle sad, but James figured that after being away for so long, homecoming would be a bit tumultuous.

Small sounds of nostalgia and surprise punctuated the rest of the ride as James followed the directions to Cecilia's flat. He let her absorb everything without comment, but his grip on the steering wheel tightened. The closer they got, the more run-down the building appeared. Some were completely abandoned with shady-looking figures loitering around the derelict structures. Truants populated the parks. Trees started to disappear from the landscape, and by the time they pulled up to Cecilia's street they were in the heart of a concrete jungle. Trash and old city council campaign signs swirled in a breeze in a parody of a dust devil.

James double-checked the address. Could this be right? He knew her apartment came cheap. He'd assumed her rent so that everything would be here when he returned her to her home. But this . . . he didn't want to leave her here. She definitely wasn't safe here. The black rental BMW attracted stares and raised eyebrows from people perched on the front stoops of the row homes that populated the area.

He thought back to Cecilia's abduction. He never asked her how or where it happened, but he couldn't imagine the people around here lifting a finger to help her.

When James pulled up to her street, Cecilia was amazed that even the abandoned vehicle in the vacant lot was still where it had been before she'd been kidnapped. It was a relief and a bit creepy that nothing changed here while she'd undergone a total transformation in London. At least she'd be able to pick up where she left off. She tried to open the car door, but it was still locked. "James, let me out. We're here."

The last thing James wanted to do was unlock her door. He didn't know what to ask her. She just confirmed this was the place, but he didn't want that to be the truth. "James. Come on." Reluctantly, he pressed the button to unlock the car doors and pop open the boot.

He set his jaw and said nothing as he shouldered Cecilia's belongings and followed her. Cecilia was afraid her keys wouldn't work anymore, but they slid easily in. The hallway was crowded with junk, and they had to walk single file up the stairs. "I'm on the second floor." Cecilia wasn't sure why she was explaining this. "It looks like my downstairs neighbor is still hoarding." That was why. She didn't want James thinking she was the hoarder. The second key also eased open as if she hadn't been gone for nearly a year.

They walked in without a word. A carpet of dust coated everything, undisturbed. This was a good sign to Cecilia. She hadn't been robbed while she was away at least. James surveyed the flat. It was larger than he would have thought, but there wasn't a security system, and he thought it would only be too easy for someone to break in. "Where can I—?" he asked looking for a place to deposit her bags.

"Oh, thanks, I can handle it from here. I think I'll need to give the place a good cleaning," she said, looking around the flat. "I can't thank you enough for helping me keep it while I was in England. I don't know what I would have done otherwise."

"It's no matter." He was very close to her now. Clearly, this was where he was supposed to say goodbye.

"Are you certain you won't come to my concert tonight? It's no trouble, and this will all be here tomorrow." He wasn't happy about that part.

Cecilia moved away from him quickly, surveying her flat. "It's a bit musty in here, anyway, I have so much to do. I just don't think I should procrastinate." She wasn't looking at him. He followed her and noticed her bookshelf lined with countless titles: classics, fantasy, a hint of romance, lots of adventure, volumes of poetry. This was the only thing in the apartment that matched her personality. All the rest of the furniture was sourced from cheap Scandinavian manufacturers of the do-it-yourself variety.

Cecilia breathed deeply and steeled herself for this last hurdle. "I want to thank you James. I know you went through a lot to help me and bring me back. I'll never be able to thank you enough." She started opening her window to air the apartment out. "You saved my life. You returned me home You..." She trailed off and shook her head. "I'll never forget you. Or Clara or Abe for that matter."

She was dismissing him. Through the open windows James heard car horns and shouting. He had been though a bit to bring her back. But now that she was here, it seemed like it had been a futile venture. He hadn't regretted a minute of it until now. Seeing her here was not worth it. It could have been worth it, if James could know she'd be safe. But it seemed like he'd spent all that time fulfilling an empty promise.

Cecilia felt herself running out of time. If he didn't leave soon, she wouldn't be able to maintain her calm demeanour. Why wouldn't he just leave already? "I suspect you've got a lot to get settled yourself before tonight. Don't let me hold you up." She gave him his out.

James looked down at his feet. He ran out of things to say. "Right then. I suppose I'll leave you to it. I won't forget you either. Neither will Abe or Clara. Er, you know you can call me tonight if you need anything?"

"That's nice of you. But I'll be fine." Cecilia turned away so she wouldn't have to see his handsome face any longer. "You should go." The part of her that was still enamoured with James was angry with him for not wanting her. That part wanted to yell at him that if he was going to leave her here alone to restart her life, the least he could do was leave her in peace. But the rest of her heart was breaking, and she couldn't muster the rage.

The brief hug at the airport was the first time James touched Cecilia since they went to see Clara dance. Now, James longed to have that night back, to act on his feelings, even if it was wrong. Instead, he nodded and moved towards the door. "Take care, Cecilia." He was about to hug her goodbye, but checked the motion. She didn't want him here. He could feel it, and if he honestly cared about her, he'd heed her wish.

James closed the door behind him. A beat. Cecilia heard the door latch, and bit her lip, as tears poured. She almost hadn't made it. Her knees buckled and she crumpled on the floor, sobbing and waiting to hear the front door close the chapter on her involvement with James forever.

Below on the landing, James could hear more shouting from outside. Even though it was the middle of the day, most people didn't seem to be at work. His throat was tight. He expected the weight to lift. It was done. He'd made good on his promise. Once outside, he looked around and felt eyes on him. He couldn't leave her here. He didn't care anymore about the rightness or wrongness. He'd spent so long hating himself and trying to return Cecilia to her old life that he'd hadn't noticed there wasn't much to return her to. He stood stock-still in the doorway, reluctant to close the door and lock himself out.

She could be angry with him, but if he left her here he'd be doing her a greater harm. The truth of that thought clicked into place.

This new understanding made his resolve strong, but it also heightened his feeling of possession. He turned around, and tore back up the stairs, hoping he wasn't locked out, and certain that he'd tear the door down even if he was.

He closed his eyes in brief gratitude when the door opened. He heard her sobs before he saw her. "Cecilia? What's wrong?" She was on the floor with face in her hands, weeping.

***

He couldn't be here again. She was already hallucinating his voice saying her name. She looked up and saw his blurred figure through her tears. She chocked on a sob, terrified that someone was invading her home, but saw James standing boldly in the doorway.

"Wh-what are you still doing here?" she sharply accused him.

"Cecilia? What's the matter?"

"I told you to get out!"

Something about the tone in her voice grated on James' nerves, or perhaps it was having his words used against him still.

"No."

His response was so even, Cecilia wasn't sure she heard him properly. "Get out of here! Can't you see I don't want you here? GO!" Her tears were angry now.

"I'm not leaving Cecilia, and I'd like to see you try to make me. Get up." His voice grew firm, but he held out a hand to her. She covered her face with her hands, trying to block him out. When she refused his hand and ignored his order, he scooped her up bodily, and held her upper arms tightly. She shut her eyes tight, and tried to pull away.

"What are you doing? Let go of me!"

"No." With one hand he held the side of her face in a caress, but she turned and pushed at him weakly. "Cecilia, look at me."

The dominant part of James lay dormant after his failure with Natasha. It awakened in full force now as the object of his desire refused to comply with his wishes. His hand snaked behind her head and grabbed a fistful of her hair, tugging to direct her face to his. "Oww! Get your hands off me!" She lashed out with a fist, but before she could make a move, he caught her wrist.

"Let go!"

"No. Cecilia. Calm down and listen to me."

Despair gave way to fury. "Why should I? You're done with me now. I'm home! If you haven't noticed. Now let go of me! GET. OUT!"

James' whole being thrilled at touching her. "Cecilia, I kept my promise. I brought you home. But, I've changed my mind now. You're not staying here."

"No!" Her shout rang in James' ears. He was momentarily afraid someone would hear and misunderstand the argument. But his impression of her neighborhood was correct: no one around here was going to help her if she needed it.

"Who's going to stop me, Cecilia? I'm not leaving you here. There's no one to help you. I meant it when I promised to keep you safe."

He couldn't possibly decide to toy with her now. She'd been so close. Maybe with time she could put him behind her. But even as she struggled to assert herself, she felt his fingers in her hair, and his arm wrapped protectively around her waist. "I can't—I can't—don't do this to me. I can't take it!" Her voice was barely above a whisper and desperate. "Please, don't do this again."

Her begging tipped the scales. James tilted her head back and silenced her pleading with his mouth, taking full possession of her and biting her bottom lip. He could taste the salt from her tears, and felt all the conflict in her body: at war with the desire to deepen their contact and struggling with the urge push him away. Her breathing hitched as he swallowed her sobs and tears.

James didn't care if she was at war with her emotions. He was going to free her so she could feel what he felt. He came up for air, took hold of her wrists and pinned them behind her back. "P-p-please, please stop." James was tired of this insubordination.