Chrissy Ch. 03

3 9 7 1

My dude, I beg you, please employ a dictionary and a thesaurus and expand your vocabulary. You used the word smirk three times in chapter one, nine times on the only page that made up chapter two, seven times on the first page of chapter three, and once more on the second page which only had five sentences. Not only that, but smirk doesn't mean what you think it means. From dictionary.com: "What does smirk mean? A smirk is a kind of smile, but it's not a friendly smile—it's often a sarcastic or arrogant one or one that's intended to provoke or irritate the person who sees it. Smirk is also a verb that means to smile in such a way." It has a negative connotation, and on this site it's misused far more often than it's used correctly. It's not a catch-all for sexy smiling even though a lot of authors on this site treat it like it is. Expand your vocabulary and your writing will only improve.

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One other thing I want to point out is that when dialogue is complete but the sentence is not, the dialogue does not end in a period, and the first word after the quotation marks is not capitalized. The first word of a sentence and proper nouns are the only capitalized words. The first word after a closed quotation is a continuation of the sentence and therefore not capitalized.

Example: "I love you too." She whispered back.

That should read: "I love you too, " she whispered back.

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These are sweet characters and a nice story. However, not in my entire life do I think I've winked, smirked, or stuck my tongue out at someone as much as these characters do in four or five very brief pages. Repetition stands out in short stories. Variety is your friend. Embrace it. Keep writing!

Well, actually you did better than fine dining and a fancy hotel!!! Great story and thank you for sharing this beautiful story!

Really good story I loved all 3 chapters especially the end

It might have been better if they were lesbens. But very good over all.

this is fantastic! Please write more!