Christian College Sex Comedy Ch. 04

The craziest thing was that they let me go to Marksmanship because it wasn't like I wanted to climb up on the water tower and take pot shots with a high powered rifle at anyone; right?

"Let me bandage your knees," Hope asked me. I looked to the rest of the class who couldn't bring themselves to meet my gaze, then laughed.

"What is wrong with my knees?" I questioned. She pointed out the holes in my pants and the blood still oozing out of my torn flesh.

"Really. I hadn't noticed," I winced as I moved to get my gear.

"You could get infected," Hope insisted.

"At what point do you think I lost faith in your capacity for compassion, Hope?" I sighed. "Let's get to work. Inside this class, you are the instructor; outside of this class, you sicken me."

I actually did pretty well working wind drift and range-finding during the class and Hope gave me a mild compliment on my growing proficiency. I listened but said nothing.

When the rest of the group dispersed, Hope held me back. Heaven was waiting to make me crawl to her class.

"That was uncalled for," Hope insisted. "We are only doing what we have to do."

"The failure of your courage is only eclipsed by your lack of principles, Hope," I verbally slapped her which only made her angrier. "Maybe you can put some weights in my back pack to make yourself feel better, or would you rather sow the sidewalk with salt?" If Hope was expecting me to back down, she was sorely disappointed.

"So, are you going to get revenge on me too?" she mocked me. I looked mildly amused and insulted.

"Hope, you aren't worth my vengeance. You don't matter to me. You are a tool, an obstacle, and nothing more and I have things that actually matter and I need to concentrate on so if you would please get out of my way, I believe Heaven wants to show me what an inhuman beast she can be."

"You have to pay for that," Heaven growled at me as I struggled along on all fours to Orienteering.

"Remember this moment, Heaven, because when I break Christina, she is going to be crying out your name and you aren't going to be able to do anything to help her, and after all she's done for you," I taunted her.

That earned me two sharp kicks to the ribs to add to the one I'd already had. I picked myself up and continued on our way. Orienteering was brutal and I suffered a good deal of humiliation at Heaven's hands. I quietly took it.

As if that wasn't enough, Heaven walked me to my study period and Faith took me to the Dining Hall. Rio looked pretty brutal and Iona had been crying but at least they'd been bandaged up. Ms. Goodswell came up to me in the dinner line.

"You need to have someone look at those wounds. You could also use a fresh pair of pants."

"There is nothing wrong with my knees," I said in a bland monotone.

"You are bleeding into your socks, Zane," she informed me. I looked down and nodded.

"Yes, that seems to be the case. Can I get my dinner now?" I inquired calmly.

"No, Zane. Go to the Infirmary and get that taken care of," Ms. Goodswell insisted.

"I invoke my right to refuse medical treatment due to religious convictions," I grinned.

"Zane, you could develop permanent damage," Virginia warned me.

"No. You hypocrites can cripple me if you like but you aren't pinning this on me. I don't recall wanting to walk anywhere on my knees. I'm not going to quit though; if you want to get rid of me, you will have to become more inventive than this," I told her. When she didn't reply I went back to my place in line.

Christina tagged me heading toward the dorm. Chastity had Rio and Faith had Iona.

"What do you think we'll have for breakfast?" Rio joked.

"Keep quiet," Christina cautioned us.

"I'm hoping for corned beef hash covered in ketchup," I responded.

"I told you to be quiet," Christina ordered.

"Which one of us are you talking to?" Rio teased.

"I want milk and cereal," Iona suggested.

"Quiet," Faith told Iona with a hand on her shoulder.

They decided that we should be getting back to our rooms to study but the elevator wouldn't be necessary; we could take the stairs...on our knees. I wasn't sure Iona could make it; she was the shortest and weakest of us. But it turned out I needn't have bothered. We opened the door to the stairwell and there stood Barbie Lynn.

"I've got it from here," she told Christina and company cheerfully. The idea that Barbie Lynn was here to save me was kind of funny.

"That is not how it works," Christina informed her.

"No, Christina, read the Handbook. My dorm, my rules, and my rules say that if you don't belong in my dorm, you can leave...now," Barbie Lynn countered with determination.

"Don't do this, Barbie Lynn; they will expel you. You are hardly bulletproof," Christina warned Barbie.

"At what point did we cease being the Israelites and become the Philistines?" Barbie answered.

"If you do this I'll have to report you," Christina explained. "In thirty minutes you won't be Dorm Mother. Think about your future."

"I am," Barbie Lynn stated. "Do I really want or deserve a future if I do nothing now? I don't think so." There was a pause, then, "Get out."

Christina's gang turned and left, Chastity last of all.

"Barbie Lynn, have his legs taken care of before his pride cuts him in half," she said meaningfully. Barbie nodded, then Chastity ran to catch up with the others.

"Let's get you to your rooms before they come back," Barbie Lynn urged us.

"Can we take the elevator? I'm not sure I can take all these stairs," I groaned.

"Baby," snorted Rio, but I noted she was the first one to hobble for the elevator. Iona drew close to me, looking for some small comfort.

"What are we going to do?" she whispered to me.

"Rio and I are going to tough it out; we don't have any real options. You are going to be sick tomorrow and go to the Infirmary. After that, they should leave you alone as long as you avoid us," I told her.

"No," Iona responded. "I can't leave the two of you alone here."

"Get over yourself," mocked Rio. "You are slowing us down. Zane and I are hardcore bad-asses and you're nothing but a dweeb." That was Rio's way of saying 'I like you.' Iona began sobbing.

"I'll take care of her as long as I can," Barbie Lynn frowned as she wrapped an arm around Iona.

"Thanks for everything, Barbie Lynn. Sorry for dragging you down in all of this," I told my blonde dynamite.

"Ha," she laughed. "I've had more fun -- felt better -- in the past four days than I've felt in the past three years here."

"Man, that is so pathetic," choked Rio. "If my life was so damn boring, I'd have become a shit-faced drunk by now." I think that was Rio saying 'thank you' but I wasn't sure.

We made our way to our rooms and wisely settled in for the night. Around eight-thirty Barbie came to my room and escorted me to the bathroom for my own 'safety'.

"Thank you. What are you going to tell your family and fiancé?" I asked. Barbie Lynn shrugged.

"Can I move in with your Aunt if things don't work out?" she countered.

"Sure. Do you think it will come to that?" I answered.

"Well, I'm definitely not marrying Jerome, that's for sure," she grinned. "He's about as interesting as a box of rocks and he's got a tiny penis ta' boot. Lord above, all he wants to do is work in his Daddy's bank and play golf while I stay home and make babies."

"Ummm...Barbie Lynn, I don't see us getting married so if I..." I stammered.

"Lord Jesus," Barbie laughed, "if I married you I'd have to convert to Islam because I'd need at least three other wives to keep up with you. You are fun, Zane, and you've never lied to me about anything."

"Barbie Lynn...I've lied to you," I admitted shyly.

"What about?" she questioned.

"You know those tiny little grunting noises you make between orgasms?" Barbie Lynn blushed but nodded. "Well, I don't like them; I love them. In fact, last time I rushed you through one orgasm just so I could listen to those sounds."

"You are a bad man," Barbie laughed musically. "I don't believe you."

"Oh, so I'm going to have to prove myself, am I?" I gasped in mock protest.

"I'm counting on it," she smiled seductively back at me.

"When this nuttiness is over, I'll do that," I grinned. Barbie Lynn looked suddenly sad.

"Is this going to end...in a good way?" she sighed.

"Five-thirty tomorrow I'm in my car and driving out of here for the weekend. I'd like you to be with me," I told her.

"I can't be gone all weekend long, Zane. I'm Dorm Mother," she explained.

"How about Saturday night? I've made some plans," I hinted.

"Hmmm...okay, but how are you going to stop them from catching you if you come back? Escaping tomorrow is going to be tough enough," she pointed out.

"I'll think of something," I sighed. What that was; I had no idea.

When I got to the top of the stairs after my bathroom break I noticed Chastity and Hope waiting for me. I could have said 'what do you want?' but I decided on a softer approach.

"What can I do for you, the two ladies most likely to kill at a distance, this fine evening?"

"We came by to see if you, Iona, and Rio were doing okay," Chastity related to me.

"How's Iona? I imagine Rio was less than cooperative," I responded.

"Rio told us if we came in by the door we were leaving by the window," Hope informed me. "Iona is doing okay physically but she's beaten up on the inside."

"She says you threw her out of your little club," Chastity went fishing for confirmation.

"Yes, she's out. I no longer give a crap what happens to her," I lied. Hope and Chastity snorted in disbelief.

"She didn't tell you, did she?" Chastity questioned me. Since the answer was 'no' I kept silent.

"The Chancellor instructed her to abandon you and Rio and to help the rest of us get you two expelled," Hope informed me. All I could think of was, poor Iona, stuck in that spot.

"She responded with a tale of one of the early martyrs," Chastity picked up the story. "All the martyr had to do to save her life from the lions is renounce Christ and kiss the hem of Caesar's robe. The young girl responded, 'I would rather spend my last hour in the dust with the Christians...'

'...than live ten thousand more days as a Roman,' I completed the story. Sure, the story came from a hundred years after the real Caesar was dead, but who really cared? "I don't think that went over well."

"I imagine a less than sterling letter was fired off to her parents," Hope suggested.

"Fine," I muttered after a moment.

"What?" Chastity inquired.

"Chastity and Hope, I apologize for what I said earlier. I was pissed and I lashed out when you were stuck in the same fucked up situation I'm in," I admitted.

"Apology accepted," Chastity grinned.

"Don't make a habit of pissing me off, Zane," Hope cautioned me, "and the next one of you to come at me with a food tray gets it in the teeth."

"Why did you pick Hope and me?" Chastity asked about the food trays we'd dumped on them.

"I'm not saying we plotted anything but if we did, we would have created a random list for each meal. We get target one, then go to target two, and so on," I answered. "If it was randomized it would be harder for you guys to figure out who was next."

"Do you have any other retaliatory actions planned out?" Hope inquired.

"What do you think?" I smirked.

"How did you plan all this out?" Hope persisted.

"Since you are still dedicated to having us expelled, I don't feel it is prudent to tell you," I replied. I was hardly going to admit Iona set it all up, including that little trick of blanking out our call logs.

"Fine. Let's get out of here, Chastity," Hope sighed.

"I'll be with you in a minute," Chastity told Hope.

When Hope was halfway down the stairs, Chastity turned to me with a sly grin.

"How did you know I'd help you?" she whispered. "For that matter, how did you slip me the note and the key?"

"I promise I'll tell you one day, Chastity," I replied. I could hardly tell her that Ms. Goodswell had slipped my message and her key into Chastity's pack. That Chastity would actually gather up the clothes that Rio, Iona, and I needed was the greater risk. She'd done it and we'd made our Wednesday night getaway for ice cream. I still wasn't sure why Virginia had known Chastity would do it but figuring it all out would be fun. It wasn't as good as sex but...well; it wasn't as good as sex.

The Object is not to Die

"Let me wash you," Opal requested of me as I entered the bathroom the next morning. Warning her that I was poison was pointless. I looked, smelled, and sounded like trouble. I imagine if I asked her, she'd tell me I tasted like trouble too, but I didn't want to tempt fate.

"I can keep your bandages dry," she promised. Mentally, I cracked when she finished rinsing my hair.

"Why are you doing this?" I had to know.

"Zane, you are the only non-related male I'm going to be in contact with for the next two years. If I let you go, I'm going to lapse into homosexuality," she explained. I couldn't resist.

"Does that mean you would be opposed to a three-way?" I grinned.

"I don't know," she mused, "who do you have in mind?"

"Brandi; she is cute and receptive," I suggested.

"Good choice," Opal beamed, "she's scrumptious. Do you think she's game? Don't bother -- I'll snare her in; you make sure you show up, okay?" Up until this point in time I'd been fooling around but I had the distinct impression that Opal wasn't.

"Let me guess; you are on the Soccer team," I chuckled.

"Striker," Opal responded.

"I should have known; you have that killer instinct," I sighed knowingly.

"I know what I want and I go for it," she smiled as she closed with me and stroked my member. It was to our immense mutual disappointment that we simply didn't have the time to take it any further.

I could appreciate Barbie Lynn throwing herself under the proverbial bus for us but I really wish she didn't look so sexy doing it. She stood with Rio, Iona, and me as we walked out of the dorm toward Christina and company. Rio and I exchanged conspiratorial glances with Iona.

"I'm hoping for oatmeal," Rio quipped.

"I'm betting on pancakes and syrup," I replied.

"Oh, hot syrup," mused Iona. "I like syrup. It turns pancakes into fly paper." We walked up to our tormentors and held out our arms for their book bags, which they dutifully handed over.

As we got ready to assume our kneeling position, Christina cleared her throat.

"What are you doing?" Christina commented dryly. Seeing our confusion, she sniffed derisively, then added, "I haven't got all day." With that, she turned and walked off at a good clip we had to jog to keep up with.

We hobbled into the Dining Hall without a word being said but when we got into the food line, Rio broke the spell.

"Does this mean we don't dump food on them?" she whispered.

"They've tossed us an olive branch so we shouldn't shower them with defoliant just yet," I suggested.

"We need to know what they are up to," Iona added. That was the thing none of us had an answer to so we were served and went searching for someplace to sit.

Cappadocia, Captain Willie, and another Karate teammate named Evangeline caught sight of us and chose that moment to rise and take their trays away, leaving us three adjacent seats. We leapt on them in an instant since another part of the Enemy's plan was to keep us isolated from one another.

"I hate to rain on our parade but Queen Christina at six o'clock," Rio muttered.

"Phone," Christina demanded of Iona.

"We are in the Dining Hall," Rio spat, "you can't demand shit from us."

"Watch your language, felon," Christina responded drolly.

"It is Friday, Christina, in case you forgot. Your time is running out," I warned Christina that her time to make an apology to Rio was coming to an end. She looked haughtily down her nose at me.

"Here you go," Iona said meekly. She had a point; even if we won here, Christina would jump us the moment we left the sanctuary of the Dining Hall. Christina took the phone and typed a message in, then sent it before returning it to Iona. Without explanation the Queen strutted away.

"What was that about?" Rio muttered to Iona who was checking her text log.

"She put Zane back on the market," Iona whispered in disbelief.

"What the fuck!" Rio squeaked, trying to keep her shock from echoing across the hall. I looked around and saw phones ringing and the ripple of the word spreading out as girls looked my way.

"What do we do, Zane?" Iona asked. I had to think that over and a grin slowly creased my face.

"Give me ten names: Juniors and seniors only," I smiled. That would be part of my party list.

"How is that going to help us get those bitches?" Rio asked.

"Rio, living well is the best revenge, and I finally figured out how we are going to live well," I explained. My two companions didn't get it yet but Iona was busy getting my names.

"What do I do with the list?" Iona asked.

"Ask them to my party," I winked and the lights came on.

"Sweet!" gloated Rio, "but how are we going to get away with it? The Chancellor is going to be watching us like a hawk."

"Do you trust me?" I asked Rio and Iona. Iona nodded but Rio looked incredulous.

"Why in the hell should I trust you, Jungle Boy?" Rio taunted me.

"Because the other option has you crying tears of loneliness into your pillow tomorrow night, Arizona," I teased right back. Rio was from Arizona in the same way I was from the jungles of Thailand.

Breakfast was drawing to a close so I had to make my move. When Christina and crew put their trays up I followed them quickly outside.

"Glutton for punishment?" Hope questioned as I finished my approach.

"I need a moment alone with Christina," I responded. Heaven snarled at me; very becoming.

"So, I no longer bore you?" Christina threw my earlier words back in my face.

"I need a favor and it will help me with your demise," I grinned because I knew I had her; the girl couldn't stand not knowing what I was up to, or so I prayed. Christina shrugged her indifference but motioned for me to follow her off to the side, away from the others.

"So, after I've already done you two favors today, what else do you want of me?" she asked. I had to admit that she was no longer making me crawl on my knees and she'd freed me up for gentler hands, but I had my needs.

"I want you to go to an off-campus party with me tomorrow night," I beamed hopefully.

Christina studied me, clearly looking for my deceptive angle, but when none became evident, a smile slowly forced its way across her lips.

"Okay, Zane, I give up. What is the catch?" Christina chuckled.

"There is a Sorority party at my neighbor's house. They are inviting a fraternity over and I imagine a few people will crash. I've been invited and I was thinking we could bring around twenty of our girls for a fun night out," I explained.

"Zane, we are a Christian Girls school; we don't do the whole partying, drinking, and spending time with strange boys thing," she lectured me.

"You'll have fun," I promised her.

"An hour ago you hated me," she pointed out. "How do I know this isn't some kind of trick?"

"Sure, I hated you an hour ago, but that was then and I'm not going to waste my time fighting past battles. Besides, you did the right thing, though you took your time doing it," I answered. "Also, who in the Administration would I work for? I certainly wouldn't go outside the school."

"Yet you are still going after me about Rio," Christina said.

"That has to do with how you treat people, not what you did in the past," I corrected her. "If I leave it alone you will continue to treat people that don't conform to your world view like dirt."

"You aren't going to win, Zane, but I tell you what; drop this silly vendetta and I'll consider going to that party," she offered.