tagErotic CouplingsChristian College Sex Comedy Ch. 11

Christian College Sex Comedy Ch. 11

byFinalStand©

*Anyone can be who they want to be; the challenge is being who you need to be*

(Frontma delivered on several chapters this time so I can get them out to you soon. I thank her for spending all this time with me on this project)

(Surprisingly there is no actual sex in this chapter, though things get close on more than one occasion)

(Yes, this tale is supposed to be somewhat humorous and outrageous too. While not always comedic I'd like to think it is mostly a good-natured romp.)




My journey to the Dining Hall this Wednesday was enlivened by carrying, bridal style, a sophomore named Courtney while playing out a scene from Tristan and Isolde. I had Rhaine, Joy, and Mercy as escorts/minders, but Rhaine was now defining her responsibility as keeping me from misbehaving, not stopping me, and the other students from having fun.

Tristan and Isolde was some kind of chick-flick taken from a Wagnerian play so technically it wasn't on the 'banned' list. With me was the added bonus that it wasn't homo-erotic (being a guy in a romantic relationship with a girl – in the play) and that I could actually carry Isolde in my arms.

A larger than normal crowd had gathered for my dutiful performance and while I generally received rave reviews, I did catch a few girls talking about redoing the skit with a Sampson and Delilah theme. I pledged to avoid girls with shears like the plague. We bunched up around one of the entrances to the Dining Hall as I finished our script and carefully placed her back on her feet.

Among the scattering of applause and the press of bodies, I felt Mercy stumble into me. Her eyes were wide, her mouth open in surprise, and her breathing was coming in ragged gasps. My answer came when I looked over her shoulder and saw Rio, looking very casual but pumping her arm rapidly against Mercy's back.

When we got into the food line, Rio smirked and began sucking her forefinger which was sticky and slick.

"Seriously...in the middle of the crowd? You just couldn't resist?" I teased her.

"Next I'm sticking in the butt plug," she whispered in a conspiratorial manner. "I have it in my book bag and I'm jumping her after BA. Do you want to help?"

"I'd rather face dismemberment than break Iona's schedule," I sighed quietly.

"Some He-Man you are," she giggled. "You'll go five rounds with Gorman but Iona has you pussy-whipped."

"If I have to go, I could hardly pick a better woman," I responded, and wrapped an arm around Iona's waist and rested my hand on her hip.

"Yes, Zane?" Iona looked up at me with an exotic combination of innocence and genius.

"Rio reminded me how lucky we are to have you with us," was my answer.

"Oh, that's nice," Iona beamed up at me. "I thought it had something to do with Rio putting her hand under Mercy Chaplain's skirt." I chuckled and Rio grumbled.

"I have glasses," Iona stated, "I'm not blind."

"Did anyone else notice?" I inquired.

"No. I think Rio was pretty smooth, but if experience has taught me anything, it is Rio who is going to be the troublemaker, not you, Zane," Iona stated calmly. "I was paying attention to her."

"Oh, Cordelia wanted to know if you could come by the Science Club today around two-thirty and help us with a little problem we are having," Iona inquired.

"What's the problem?" I asked.

"Why didn't Cordy ask him herself?" Rio questioned.

"I don't know the answer to either of those questions," Iona admitted.

"It is illegal, illicit, and off the record," Rio pronounced.

"No, it is not," Iona battled back.

"Trust me, I've done my share of things I didn't want the authorities to know about and this stinks of that kind of stunt," Rio explained.

"I'll be with Zane; nothing will happen. Besides, we are the Science Club, not an international criminal syndicate," Iona told Rio.

"I'll be okay," I promised Rio. On the other hand, the Science Club wasn't all flowers, bells, and puppy dog tails.

They hacked the school's computer systems, had illegal internet hook-ups, and were re-wiring a dorm floor for my personal pleasure...and Rio's criminal instincts were more often right than wrong. We were able to get our seats and enjoy most of breakfast before Iona nudged me.

"Don't you ever answer your messages?" Iona inquired.

"I have them all automatically forwarded to you," I countered. "It seemed like the sanest thing to do."

"But you don't even know what's going on in your life," she worried.

"Darling, I have you to keep me from falling off the face of the Earth. I trust you to keep me on an even keel. Besides, someone hacked my phone yesterday so I'm not sure how safe I would be without you," I enlightened her.

"Someone hacked your phone?" Iona gasped. "Any idea who?"

"Cordelia; she put herself at the top of my Handmaiden's list. I didn't mind, but the fact that she did it means it could be done," I told her. Iona shot an angry glare in Cordelia's direction.

"Don't worry about it, Iona," Rio joked. "Have you known anyone to mess with Zane and not pay for it eventually?"

"That doesn't mean I like it," Iona kept glaring. I tapped her shoulder, then led her gaze to me by tugging on her jaw.

"Let it go. In the social hierarchy, we are freshmen, despite any accomplishments. Trust me, I know: There are some fights you don't get into until you are ready. Cordelia likes you because you are useful but don't try her patience too far or she'll break you."

"I don't like it. This is high school all over again," Iona grumbled.

"The major difference," Rio pointed out, "you have a sick psycho like me and a stud like Zane who have your back. We've left you alone once and that was only in hopes you would get out from under the hammer that was falling on us."

"Oh, we were told about your conversation with the Chancellor. I liked what you said," I told her thoughtfully, "but I believe Rio and I could have done it better."

"Who would you have quoted?" wondered Iona. I exchanged a fanatical look with Rio.

"THIS IS SPARTA!" we shouted in unison, "and then we would have kicked her desk out the window," I added.

Iona sighed, looked down at her tray, and grinned while half the dining hall gazed our way.

"You two are nuts," she chuckled.

"Ninja Urban Terrorists," Rio and I declared together, "that's us." The rest of breakfast passed without incident or too much humor.



It is not the Distance; It is the Weight on your Back



Getting out looked to be a bit less friendly as Rhaine, Joy and Mercy added two other girls to their entourage.

"Zane, Rio, Iona – we have a duty for you," Rhaine announced. "You will carry our books, on your knees, and on the sidewalk."

"Well, Kemosabe, do we ignore them or kick their asses?" Rio looked to me. "Man, here I am without my hate-mallet too."

"I'm going for benign indifference," I informed Rio. "Rhaine, we already have an assigned Handmaiden duty and we are not required to partake of any task that would result in our physical harm."

"We let Christina get away with it because we were isolated and new, but that's not the case anymore," I explained. "You break the rules and we'll defend ourselves."

"Then we are taking you to the Chancellor's office," Rhaine declared loudly. At this time my two buddies were despairing over the lack of appearance by our allies but I tend to have more faith in the fairness of human nature.

"Civil disobedience," I advised Iona. To Rio, I explained, "Make yourself dead weight." Rhaine's Traditionalists came forward and we three fell to the ground.

"Get up," Joy demanded of Rio.

"Nope, not going to happen," she gleefully shot back. Joy gave Rio a strong nudge with the foot.

"What are you doing?" a cold calm voice pierced the setting. It was Coach Dana Gorman.

"I...what...we are doing what Rhaine told us to do," Joy stammered.

"Kicking a student is grounds for dismissal," Dana informed Joy. "Physical violence is only acceptable in self-defense, and only when withdrawal is not an option."

"Coach Gorman, we were told..." Rhaine began.

"Ms. Ritchie, the Board of Directors can alter the Handbook whenever they wish, and if they ever say that bludgeoning another student merely because they disagree with you is permissible, I'll be sure to let you know."

"Yes, Ma'am," Rhaine gulped.

"You three, stop loafing about and get to class" Gorman addressed us. "We can all hope you flunk out your first semester, but until you do, I am required to make sure you are in your classes at the appointed time. Now go!" she grumbled to Rio, Iona and I.

"Yes, Ma'am," Iona and I said as we stood up once more. Rio merely growled. We quickly parted Rhaine and company, then headed to class. Soon enough, Christina and her crowd appeared around us.

"What tree were you bitches hiding behind?" Rio griped. That did not get her a pleasant response.

"Rio, they were always with us," I said, putting a hand on Rio's shoulder. "They also sent people to get Coach Gorman and others to get Ms. Goodswell in case things went bad. Cappadocia and Wilhelmina were rounding up the troops in case Rhaine tried to force us. By keeping the field clear of obvious forces, we resolved this fight in a way that didn't make us look bad."

"You got all that while talking to Rhaine and watching every sane FFU girl running away from us?" Rio gawked.

"If an ally betrays you, they will stand by and watch. If you don't see them, assume they are fighting elsewhere on your behalf, or so the saying goes," I related.

"That sounds like dark matter – you know it is there because you can't see it," Iona nodded, "but you see its effects."

"Essentially," Christina remarked.

"I'd like to know one thing," Faith inquired: "Have you slept with Coach Gorman too? She seems to have joined our side very suddenly."

"She's not on our side and she's not our friend, but I did outline how this fight would work. If they break the rules, we break the rules, and chaos ensues. If the Coach keeps things fair, Rio and I will go down by our own faults or succeed on our merits, Christina will still beat Rhaine, and this year might not suck so much for the average student, freshmen included," I said.

"How do you jibe following the rules with having a different girl in your bed every night?" Hope taunted me with a hint of seduction. Heaven looked equal parts embarrassed and sensually hungry.

"I don't believe he has a woman in his bed every night," Christina corrected.

"Expecting Zane to sleep alone is like putting a lion among your sheep and expecting to eat lamb next season; theoretically possible, but it goes against his nature," Hope laughed.

"I have not had a woman in my bed every night," I sniffed indignantly.

"Yeah," Rio rallied to my defense, "there was that night you barred Barbie Lynn and...actually, I think that was the only night...though he didn't sex me up that first night on campus."

"I think it is safe to say that the female student body has made good use of Zane's time here amongst us," Chastity noted, as she lightly slapped my shoulder.

"Well, in case anyone cares, I'm going to a church function tonight and stopping by the Kappa Sigma house on the way back. Hopefully, I'll be able to finish up some Biology reading and go to bed early," I declared.

"And if you find a girl in your bed when you get in?" Hope teased.

"He'll assume it is a day ending in 'y'," Iona snickered.

"Et tu, Iona?" Christina stated loftily.

"In that case, please spread the word," I muttered darkly. "I'm coming home and stealing Iona away to my lair for some much needed discipline and loyalty reinforcement." Iona remained still while the other girls looked around.

"Seriously?" Faith wondered.

"I play around a lot but never with Iona," I explained. "If she doesn't lock her door, she's mine."

"Iona, I'll help you barricade the door," Heaven offered. Iona didn't say anything but the look she shot Heaven clearly stated 'don't you dare!'



"Zane?" Virginia Goodswell requested my attention as I approached my English class.

"Hey, Teach, I'm ready to have my head stuffed with learning," I grinned.

"That's good, because we are choosing Authors and Works today, along with project partners," Virginia instructed.

"So, Ms. Goodswell, who is my boy Zane partnered up with? Or is there going to be a Thunder Dome match to figure that out?" Rio beamed with failed innocence.

"Ms. Talon," my teacher sighed, "it is a volunteer process, and I'm not sure any girl in my class wants to work with Mr. Braxton."

"Zane, when the feeding frenzy begins, jump for the ceiling lights," Chastity joked with me. At least I hoped she was joking. The ladies wished me luck and we parted ways. After taking our assigned seats, Virginia went over our latest lessons and then introduced us to our semester project. The first thing to decide was the partnerships.

"Before we partner up," Virginia asked the class, "would any of you consider teaming up with Zane Braxton to get this done? Hands please." Multiple hands flew up. Virginia looked over the class, nodded, and said, "Thank you." She looked it over, "Raven, Barbara, and Céline, each of you give me the reason why you don't want to work with Zane."

Ms. Goodswell had chosen the three girls who hadn't raised their hands. Barbara and Celine didn't want to work with me because they were afraid I would rape them the moment we were alone..."sigh". Raven's answer was that she was afraid that my lack of a structured education would make the paper more difficult.



Raven Thorpe was awarded the 'honor' of working with me, a designation she groaned over, and other girls glared at her with jealousy. After class she attempted to shoulder past me but I tapped her arm.

"Can we talk for a second?" I inquired.

"Don't you have to scurry off and take care of your schedule?" she replied blandly.

"Can you stop being a bitch for fifteen seconds so we can figure out which author we can work on?" I snapped angrily. She pulled up short as if she expects to be pimp-slapped next.

"Okay, who do you have in mind?" she requested. "And if you say William Shakespeare, I am going to smack you with my book bag."

"I was thinking the political works of Edmund Burke," I suggested. Raven blinked.

"Seriously, I didn't think you even knew who Edmund Burke was, much less that he was the father of modern conservatism," Raven congratulated me. It was almost like she wanted to pat me on the head and give me a doggy bone.

"I was thinking of concentrating more on his works during the American Revolution, but if that's what you are more comfortable with, we could cover his later period works instead," I offered.

"Good point, Zane. Let's talk it over during lunch," Raven suggested.

"Zane," summoned a female voice from outside the classroom.

"Go on," Raven smirked, "enjoy your disproportionate level of abuse."

"You act like I have any choice in the matter," I shrugged.

It was of little consolation that Raven made it ten more feet from the door when she got snatched up too. This time out, my mistress got to point to a feature on her body and I had to give it a flattering description – I know, my life is utter hell.



I had no idea where the Science Club met; I even began to get the sinking feeling they carefully controlled any information about themselves, sort of like a secret society...or the CIA.

"Hello, I'm Paige," spoke this girl, who apparently materialized out of the ether. I'm not paranoid; I've spent the past two years in a region where you have to be alert because Tigers are common and I say this girl freaking ghosted me, Man.



"I'm with the Science Club. You will come with me right now," she smiled like said predator cat trying to disguise herself as a white rabbit.

"You are albino," I noted. She had long white hair, alabaster skin, and a red shadow to her eyes. She was also the only girl to date I'd seen with the dark blue jacket that was part of our winter uniform. She also had a jaunty blue hat and white stockings instead of socks.

"You have eyes," she rolled hers, "now come along." I started to follow her.

"So what is this meeting about?" I asked.

"It isn't a meeting; we require you for something," she replied.

"What is it?" I became more cautious.

"It is a surprise," she mocked me. "Stop wasting my time and come along."

"Cool...I'm out of here." I grinned, turned, and left. Paige staggered and seemed unable to grasp my departure.

"Where are you going?" she snapped tartly.

"To Archery Club," I replied, while still walking away.

"But...but you said you would come," she stuttered.

"Am I a person? Are you?"

"Yes and yes," she replied with irritation.

"Are you an idiot or a child? Because those are the only reasons to forgive your spoiled behavior," I turned and said. Paige glared. "So you assume you are smarter than me and can be rude to someone who is doing you a favor."

"We are the ones doing you a favor," Paige snapped back. "Now we want you to repay us."

"Did you discuss payment when you did me the favor of rewiring my room? No? Good, because if you had, I would clearly be suffering a form of amnesia," I gave back. "If you want something, you can ask as a friend or you can offer me something that makes it worth my while. Now go back to Cordelia and tell her you have returned alone because you were so much smarter than me. If you could only 'speak friend'..." I continued walking away.

"Wait," Paige called out nervously. "I...I..." and I could almost hear the wheels turning. "Speak friend and enter." I stopped in midstride.

"So you read through my school records and know my top ten influences," I turned and responded. We stared at each other for almost a minute until she finally gave up and put on her sunglasses. I retraced my steps back to her.

"Favorite member of the Fellowship?" I tested her.

"Legolas," she responded. I scoffed and she had the human decency to look embarrassed.

"Ha," I scoffed again. "Horny girls go for the elf; the marrying kind goes for Aragorn."

"Who is yours, then, wise guy?" she volleyed.

"Boromir," I declared my allegiance.

"Ah, of course; the veteran warrior in a doomed struggle; he forsakes his honor only to redeem it in a hopeless fight, perishing in the arms of his brothers," Paige retorted. "I thought you would have gone for Aragorn, the Uncrowned King."

"Hmmm," I winced, "my second choice was actually Frodo but that would have sounded gay."

"You can't be gay; you are not clever enough to conceal that," she stated.

"See, now you are sounding like Saruman the White," I teased.

"Let me guess: because I'm an albino," she grumbled.

"You are an albino? I was talking about your facial hair and that arrogant, know-it-all vibe you've got going on," I joked. Paige stared at me, suddenly speechless, finally taping her chin.

"At least you didn't call me Gollum," she admitted.

"Nah; too much hair and not enough skin slime," I explained as I ran the back of one finger over her cheek. She flinched slightly.

"Are you going to...please...come with me now?" she asked much more politely.

"Are you going to have sex with me?" I grinned.

"WHAT!?!?" she squawked.

"Just joshing you," I smiled. "You are far too pretty to be interested in me. Let's go."

I'd clearly unsettled her because she didn't say another word to me until we were going downstairs in the Clegger Science Building.

"Do you really think I'm pretty?" she asked as we finished the last set of stairs.

"I must confess I find most women attractive, but you are far prettier than most," I replied.

"Do you still want to have sex with me?" she said in a casual voice. I took her hand and placed it on my heart. "Hah," she snorted, "I get it; your heart is beating so yes, you want to have sex with me."

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