Christian College Sex Comedy Ch. 26

Wait, was this the Hell Mouth and I am surrounded by an army of Buffy's, Faith's and Willow's? Did that make me Zander? Maybe I was Oz. He got to be a werewolf after all.

"Where do you go," Hope asked with intense curiosity, "between that blink of your eye and the next?"

"I'm imagining what you look like without your bra and panties on," I lied. I said that because I wanted to see her reaction, not because I had a hope in hell of her believing that. She did nothing. "I try to put my current circumstances in a context, no matter how crazy, that allows me to figure out what I should do next."

"I should have known that you would embrace a cosmic embryonic spirit when making crucial decisions," Hope noted. Translation: I'm nuts.

"I am glad you pierce through my many layers of obfuscations to see the real me," I retorted.

"I am glad you see the real me too," she smiled.

I got dressed, pulled out some homework, was jumped by my cohort of hotties, stripped down so they could examine my new collection of war wounds before finally letting me regain my clothing and dignity, while the ladies whispered conspiratorially about me. With the help of Vivian and Iona, I actually made it to the Dining Hall for breakfast by seven.

Hope, Barbie Lynn, and Vivian broke free and headed for the senior tables first but soon it was just Iona, Rio and me. Paige stopped by only long enough to check on our status; I kissed her on the inside of each wrist and she ran her fingers through my hair and straightened my collar. I had Rio check me for electronic devices because Paige likes me but she is in the Time Lord Mafia, as is Iona. I have a little feud going on with their leader.

On the way out the door, Raven caught up with me for a status update on our project. She'd written a beautiful opening paragraph and I told her that we would have the books from George Mason on Wednesday or Thursday. We asked how our weekends went; she went to the Soccer match up in Maryland and I had avoided sex the entire time.

Raven seemed pleased by the news and I'm not even in a relationship with her. Okay, I may be the only one who believes I'm not in a relationship with her but I'm happy ignoring the rest of the world at this moment. Once I passed the Dining Room threshold I was brutally reminded that I still had Handmaiden's Duty.

She was a nice, voluptuous junior named Georgia who was quite tall and quite well stacked. My task; to name all the descendants of Noah listed in the Book of Genesis. Every time I got one wrong I had to kiss her. I'd complain about the blatant sexual harassment but a) I like kissing girls and b) I could do without the ridicule of the entire school – check that; anymore ridicule from the entire school than what I was already getting.

My some miracle I made it through enough names for Christina and company to surround us (Vivian, my guardian, was right there too). Georgia suspended her punishment gracefully as Heaven pulled me aside.

"We have a date for Tuesday night," she beamed like a thousand suns.

"Cool. Should we bring anything?" I inquired.

"No. She's doing barbeque pork chops and chicken breasts, plus some other Southern stuff that I have no clue about what it is," Heaven informed me. "What is a hush puppy?"

"Deep-fried corn meal batter, I think," I tossed out there. "When do we go over?"

"5:30, and she'll have beer for me and Dr. Pepper or Sun Drop for you," she giggled. She was of legal drinking age and I wasn't, and Danica, our date, was a Lancaster City patrolwoman.

"I'll meet you at the car, Babe," I grinned down at her while squeezing her in my arms. "But we have to be going," I noted. Arriving late to Assembly was unforgivable.

"Zane, I've decided to tell my Father about you," Hope dropped her bomb right as we headed off again. I stumbled.

"Zane?" Vivian and Georgia asked simultaneously.

"Do you know how I say we should all live every moment as if it were our last? Well, never have I felt that to be truer than right now," I grinned fatalistically. "Thanks Hope."

Around Memselbub – or whatever his God-damn name was – I lost track of Noah's grandsons and began kissing Georgia a lot. About Using-Half-The-Damn-Letters-In-The-Alphabet's name, I caught a furtive hand movement by Rio and Mercy give a little jolt but I didn't have time to delve into that right then because I caught sight of Cordelia coming to Assembly from another angle.

I had a stroke of inspiration – or maybe I just had a stroke, because I dropped my bag and charged the svelte, sexy brunette Top Gun of the Time Lord Mafia – aka the Science Club – and it was about time I applied a fresh coat of paint (whoop ass) to her little red wagon. I pushed through the crowd of girls and got within six feet of Cordelia before I registered on her radar.

Cordelia is a quick thinker and meticulous planner so it took her only one foot of space to figure out that this was the 'he's got no plan' that she'd been told about. I chose the blindly opportunistic blitz attack because even I didn't know what I was doing, so how could she figure it out? Cordelia squealed, dropped her book bag, and ran for it.

Now, I'm not really the moron that I often appear to be and this attack was not me blindly flailing at the world. Safety laid in either a building she could shut the doors upon entry or the Assembly Hall. Her problem was that both options sucked. She'd have to push through a press of girls to get inside the Assembly Hall; I was bigger and stronger and would definitely catch her if she tried that.

Running to another building, then, was her only real chance. That was a problem of physics, crowd dynamics, and physiology, all of which she was good at. Sure, I was the faster runner, but Cordelia would break free of the crowd first, giving her a head start. The question was; would it be enough?

Cordelia made for Simmons Hall, which was a good plan except for one annoying aspect of school life – politeness. Two girls were hurrying out of the building but stopped to hold the door for her...and me. Had Cordelia made it to the stairwell at the end of the hall she could have held the door against me long enough for us to risk being late for Assembly. It was good, quick thinking.

The politeness cost her one lonely second and that was all it took. I grappled her in the hallway and rolled us onto the ground. Cordelia was giggling and screeching and trying to wiggle free but I would have my revenge. I finally got her on her stomach and her arms pinned behind her back when Vivian caught up, looking incredibly peeved.

"Okay, Zane, you got me...you got me. I give up," panted Cordelia.

"That's nice," I responded. I hooked her closest leg, flung off her shoe and yanked off her sock.

"Damn, Zane, are you going to make me walk around barefooted?" Cordelia snickered.

"Nope," I answered as I went after her other foot. Cordelia struggled but not overly much.

It was all fun and games until I tied one sock around her ankle then secured the same side hand to the ankle behind her back. She fought harder to keep the other wrist/ankle set free but I got those to. I'd hog-tied her, sort of.

"Oh, come on," Cordelia moaned, starting to get pissed.

"Zane, stop this," Vivian warned.

"Vivian, do you want to see pictures of us – you and I – on the internet? Because that is exactly what this is about," I explained. "Cordelia feels like she can fuck with my life without repercussions. I'm not even asking her to stop, only to give me a warning before she does anything that is going to make my life rough."

"Things like Barbie Lynn and me in the shower, Cordy," I grumbled.

"But it was so hot to watch, Zane," Cordelia countered.

"All it takes is two phone calls; one to me and one to her," I pointed out. "Vivian, can I have a red marker?" Vivian thought about it for a second, then handed it over.

I went around to Cordelia's face and began writing on it. Cordelia was fuming and only got angrier when, by touch alone, she figured out what my message was.

"Fine," Cordelia growled, "lesson learned. Let me up."

"Nope. They will find you when Assembly is over," I informed her. Now she thrashed about for real.

"Don't do this, Zane," Vivian cautioned me.

"I'll explain later – I promise," I responded to my guardian. "Cordelia, we are going now. Do you need anything?"

"I could use a sip of water," she smirked. I went over to the water fountain, drank some in, filled up my cheeks then knelt down beside her and let her suck the water out of my mouth.

"Mmmm, Zane spit, my favorite flavor," Cordelia joked. Vivian and I made for the door.

"Oh, come on, Zane," Cordelia called out. "This isn't funny anymore. Let me go."

"They will let you go around 9:05 when the first students show up, Cordelia," I shouted over my shoulder. "I hope you give this little exhibition some thought."

As we sprinted across the campus grounds, we spotted Iona standing guard over my book bag.

"Thanks, Iona," I grinned. "It was something I had to do."

"Oh, it gets worse," Iona sighed morosely. "Zane, it wasn't my idea." She handed a cloth bracelet made of an intertwined white and green thread to Vivian. "I'll get you a blue thread as it seems you've earned it."

Any explanation was cut off by the bell for Assembly. We raced into the seats various compatriots had saved for us with bonus confusion of having Georgia sitting next to me. Chancellor Bass was back in charge but I didn't have too much time to notice; Georgia had returned to her Bible quiz and I was screwing up big time. Much secretive kissing ensued.

Once we exited the Assembly, the mass of us disseminated to our various first classes. Iona had to go a different way than me but Rio stuck close. I noticed she and Mercy both had more elaborate bracelets.

"So, what's up with this," I tapped it.

"He-he," Rio gloated. "It is an indicator of what you've done to us, or we to you."

"Whose idea was this?" I groaned.

"Three guesses, Brainiac," she laughed.

"What does mine indicate?" Vivian worried.

"Kissing and groped," Rio snickered. "I'll make sure you get your blue strand asap. That means you've been naked with him."

Vivian gave me a concerned look.

"Still feeling sorry about leaving Cordelia tied up?" I joked.

"Our Lord Christ teaches us to forgive those who have trespassed against us," Vivian quoted.

"Wait, you guys tied up Cordelia? Where? And can I go get me some?" Rio exulted.

"She's free by now," I let down my buddy.

"He did write 'Paige is smarter' on her face with a red marker," Vivian added.

"Bro, she is going to kill you," Rio giggled.

"Nah, Cordelia is angry but she doesn't buy into revenge," I stated. "She will look for other schemes to control me and I'll find other ways to keep her in line."

"What has Cordelia done to control you?" Vivian asked.

"Vivian," I sighed, "why do you think Cordelia would create a free porn site with my sexual antics as the main attraction? She can see me perform whenever she wants, but why share it?"

"That is convoluted as fuck," Rio griped. Vivian was thinking that over.

"So she gets at you by putting at risk the women you are with," she thought out loud. "You two are playing a game of chicken. She threatens to expose those who have sex with you, and you dare her to do just that. It seems to me you two are putting other girls at risk in your simple little game."

"It is not a game, Vivian, it is not little, and it definitely isn't simple," I explained. "It is not me versus Cordelia any more than it is Rhaine versus Christina, or the Progressives resisting Chancellor Bass. Everyone wants something and most are willing to aggressively pursue those goals. I mean, you found a use for me in less than four days."

"I-I –" Vivian stuttered because I'd laid bare this morning's activities. She was saved by the entrance to my classroom. She dropped me off, then returned to her normal schedule. My butt had barely touched my seat when I got a text. Apparently, I had an important phone message. It turned out to be from the Vice Chancellor's office.

"Hello," Ms. Reveal, who – like the Vice Chancellor – was new to the school, answered, "Dr. Scarlett's office."

"Hi, this is Zane Braxton. Did you assign me a meeting with the Vice Chancellor?"

"Yes, Mr. Braxton, and you have one minute to get here," the young lady informed me.

"When did Dr. Scarlett tell you to call me?" I asked, right as Ms. Goodswell walked into the room. I was almost out of time.

"I don't see how that was relevant," Ms. Reveal sounded cross.

"Well, sorry then, but the nine o'clock hour isn't good for me. English rocks so call me back when there is another opening in the good Doctor's schedule," I said smugly.

"Wait, you can't – " Reveal got out before I hung up. I enjoyed the class while noticing that no one rang me back. I was suspicious that Scarlett was yanking my chain and no calls pretty much confirmed that. At the end of class Virginia Goodswell pulled me and Raven, my project partner, aside. After all, last time she'd seen us together, we'd had...difficulties.

"Are you two making positive progress?" She smiled to us.

"Yes, we are," Raven chimed in. "I've created our opening statement and Zane is getting four books from George Mason for us to use as source material." Virginia looked at me askance.

"Raven, this might be a good time to inform you that we are getting those books under a third party's name because Rio picked his pocket and checked them out using his student ID and password," I told my partner.

"Zane, if you are exhibiting this much larceny for a freshman English project, what are you going to do for Finals?" Virginia teased me. It was clearly too late to chastise me.

"As I recall, the Library of Congress's security is provided by the lowest bidder," I retorted.

"God give me strength," Raven and Virginia said with perfect symmetry. I may not be respected but I am treated with tolerance and compassion, which is more than I should expect.

Vivian escorted me to the second class of the day, Biblical Archeology, which I shared with Rio. At the door Vivian tapped my arm.

"At Homecoming I'd like you to meet my boyfriend," she informed me.

"Oh, great," I snorted sarcastically. "Do you think we can have a three-way?" Yeah, right.

"I'll give it some serious thought," she smiled pleasantly then sauntered off. I was left slack-jawed yet somehow managed to stagger to my seat.

"What's up?" Rio teased me. "Did Gorman kick you upside your head again?"

"I'm morally contemptible," I replied. Vivian was such a sweet, vanilla-flavored girl when I met her and now I had her contemplating an orgy.

"Duh," Rio chuckled. "That's why I love you; you strip away the varnish that clogs our souls, Bro. There is always less fear, bullshit, and loathing in your wake. That makes you something like a combination of Martha Stewart and me." I really hadn't enough time to wrap my mind around that imagery when my phone rang.

"Mr. Braxton, you are to report to the Vice Chancellor's office immediately," Ms. Reveal addressed me sharply.

"Hmmm...when did she tell you to call me?" I responded.

"That is not relevant, Mr. Braxton. You are expected here in three minutes," she declared, then abruptly cut the connection.

"Who was that?" Rio whispered because class was beginning.

"Telemarketer," I snorted. We went through most of the class behaving, though my phone kept vibrating. In the last ten minutes of class I caught Rio fiddling with something.

"What are you up to?" I whispered across the aisle. She revealed some kind of remote control trigger which she kept cutting on and off.

"It's my damn remote but I can't tell if it is working or not," she hissed back. "What is the range on these things? Mercy is over in Trexler Hall and I'm not sure the signal is reaching her."

"What signal would that be?" I said with a sinking suspicion.

"The one to her vibrating butt plug, Dummy," she grinned maniacally. She was bad this morning and this is her little lesson." She kept thrumming the device on and off.

"Bitch, do you realize with all that action, you may have vibrated her right out of her chair in the middle of class?" I quietly scolded Rio. She kept grinning. A positive side effect of me hanging around Rio is that she makes me look sane(r). "Besides, a vibrating butt plug? Why couldn't you use a normal one like every other sexual deviant – like you and me?" Rio's eye grew big and her jaw dropped open.

"Oh, my God, Bro," Rio muttered. "You are the best guy in the world. You are so right; next time I'll go front and back – vibrating butt plug and vibrating egg. I can alternate them or have them run simultaneously. It will blow Mercy's mind!"

"Don't break anything you can't fix or replace," I cautioned her. That signaled the end of class and my last class before lunch.

"Mr. Braxton," Ms. Reveal snarled when I answered my own personal vibrating device, "you haven't been answering your phone. Present yourself to the Vice Chancellor's office at once." Vivian walked up to me and seemed curious about the conversation.

"It's some stalker-groupie," I winked to Vivian but said it loud enough for Ms. Reveal to hear. "Ms. Reveal, why does the Vice Chancellor want to see me?"

"What?" she sputtered. "That doesn't matter. Dr. Scarlett is the Vice Chancellor, you are a student, so when she demands your presence, you appear."

"Okay, I hear what you are saying but I have a class scheduled. I wasn't aware that her authority would allow me to miss classes," I stated.

"Uhmmm...she has the authority because I am telling you she has it, Mr. Braxton," Ms. Reveal snapped. Vivian reached for my phone and I handed it over.

"Hello Ms. Reveal, this is Vivian Phillips, Mr. Braxton's guardian appointed by the Board of Directors. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

A little conversation took place where Vivian was very supportive of me. We even walked to my next class. In the process I got to provide a few answers to Frieda Godwin's Physics homework. From the course of the conversation, Vivian was getting nowhere.

"Please listen to me, Ms. Reveal," I interrupted as I took the phone back.

"This is Zane again. I know that you have worked with Dr. Scarlett before you came here but this is also your first week here so I'm going to make it simple for you; if Dr. Scarlett wants to see me, she can explain it to me why I will get an unexcused absence for one of my classes, she can have Ms. Goodswell approve the meeting, or she can go to the Chancellor and have her tell me when and where to show up," I said, "and that is how it is."

"If you waste my time with one more pointless call I am going to report you to Security for harassment. Have a nice day." I hung up.

"What are you doing?" Vivian sounded incredulous.

"Vivian, do you know what it is like to be the new kid on the playground and this other kid, who you've been told is a bully, is coming your way with a swagger?" I postulated.

"Not really," Vivian answered.

"Well, in those cases, often your best choice is to kick the bully first before he kicks you," I explained. "If Dr. Scarlett wanted to see me about some mundane crap, why didn't she let me know at breakfast? If it was important, why didn't she tell me what it was? If it was critical, why didn't she have someone from Security get me? Instead, she schedules my meetings with only a few minutes' notice. Think about that."

Vivian thought that one through, as did Frieda (who was a senior and a Rhaine supporter).

"If it is mundane, she contacts Ms. Goodswell," Vivian worked out. "If it was important, she would let you know...which means it is not. So why is she bringing you in?"

"My theory is that I'm one of the worst troublemakers in school and she's putting me in my place," I suggested.