Christmas Blessings

They stopped and ate the sandwiches and drank the hot chocolate Carlie had made before leaving to make the return trip back. The girls climbed on the wagon, getting under the blankets that Carlie had brought along. Meghan fell asleep on the trip back and Katie's eyes were drooping but Carlie kept looking around, enthralled by the beauty of the quiet wonderland they were in. Nathan took his time, but too soon they were pulling back through the gate and into the backyard.

The kids were sleepy, including Michael, from all the fresh air and walking through the snow. After getting off their snow clothes, Katie and Michael headed up to their rooms while Nathan carefully stripped Meghan of her things and put the still sleeping child to bed. She curled under the blankets, her face still rosy from the outside air and mumbled a sleepy, "Good night daddy."

Carlie stood at the doorway and watched after tucking in Katie. She saw Nathan kiss the tired child on the cheek, stroking the pale blonde curls from her forehead. She could see the love in his eyes as he beheld his youngest and felt a tiny surge of sadness that she had never had someone love her like that.

Wait, 'she had never had someone love her like that'. Her eyes shut tightly as she tried to hold onto that thought, use it as a battering ram against the bricks that still held her memories back. She was concentrating so hard that she jumped when she felt Nathan touch her cheek.

"What is it, Carlie? Your face is all squished, as Katie would say. Did you remember something?" His eyes held such gentle concern for her that she almost turned and fled. Instead, she forced herself to stay and answer him truthfully.

They started walking away from the kids rooms. "When you were tucking Meghan in, I saw you kiss her cheek and I was thinking how sad it was that I never had anyone love me like that."

"You're remembering. That's wonderful. And sad." He turned her into his study and clicked on the fireplace.

Carlie tucked herself into a corner of the sofa, pulling her feet up under her and staring into the flames. "But I tried to use it, to concentrate on that feeling. I know there's more, I know it. But I just can't remember." Her fist hit her knee as she tried to release some of the frustration she was feeling.

Nathan sat next to her, taking that fist in his hand and opening the slender fingers. He held it for a moment staring down at her palm. "Your hands are smooth, no callous. So if you work, it's probably not as a waitress. " He smiled up at her. "You're good with kids. You're smart and like to read. Maybe you're a teacher off on a holiday and your car got stuck?"

"Or maybe I'm a serial killer and I'm just waiting to get you alone in bed sometime and sink in my fangs like a black widow spider."

He wanted to laugh at the pout on her face but the words she said went straight to his groin. He felt himself getting aroused picturing her under him, naked. His hand tightened on hers for just a second and then he got up, moving across the room to stare out the window. "You say the damnedest things sometimes, Carlie."

She got up and followed him, her stocking feet soundless in the thick carpet. She touched his arm and he turned, pulling her to him and taking her lips with a muffled groan of need. No words were said as he picked her up, taking her back to the couch and laying her down against the soft throw pillows. He stroked her hair, gently touching her skin even through his urgency. Her mouth was soft and sweet under his, stroking the flames in him until he felt like he was burning inside. He pulled at her sweater, taking it off over her head before reclaiming her lips. She pulled on him, wanting his weight on her and he complied, sliding over her to rest against her on the couch.

Her skin was like satin, her body warm and soft under him. Her legs parted and his hips nestled against the cradle of thighs as if he had come home. His mouth roamed, following the sweet line of her jaw to her ear, suckling upon her earlobe before continuing on. His hands roamed too, sliding up her ribs to caress the soft skin just under the globes of her breasts.

She tilted her head to allow his as much access to her throat as he wished, her hands struggling with the buttons on the front of his shirt. She wanted to feel his skin against hers, to touch him like he was touching her. She pulled futilely, finally calling his name. He sat up and grabbed the edges of the shirt, pulling outwards so that the buttons scattered all over the room.

Carlie laughed as her fingers stroked over the smooth planes of his chest. Her nails flicked the soft nubs of his nipples, and then moved lower, using her palms to sweep the hard muscles of his stomach. "You sure don't look like any desk jockey," she joked before he took her mouth again, his tongue driving inside to taste the dark flavor of her passion.

Her bra came off with just the tiniest flick of his fingers and Nathan stared down at the sweet curves of her breasts with their pink tips. His fingers lightly stroked her taut nipples, staring into her face and seeing the pleasure she was feeling in her eyes. He took one tight tip between his fingers and pinched lightly, watching as she arched her back, hearing her moan his name.

"I want you Carlie," he said, his voice tight. His head dropped, his forehead resting against her breasts.

She could feel his breath on her skin and she stroked his hair, combing her fingers through the thick strands. "Nathan?" she asked, her voice uncertain.

"I want you, Carlie," he repeated, lifting his head so she could see the pain on his face. "I really want you. You are so beautiful." His hand lightly stroked her hair back from her cheek, his eyes roaming over her.

"But?" she breathed, not sure if she wanted to hear what he had to say.

"I can't. My wife...I... Dammit, I can't do this with you looking like that." He sat up and turned away, waiting while she threw her sweater back over her head. When he turned, he could see the confusion and worse, the hurt in her eyes. "No, Carlie, it's not you. God, any man would have to be a saint or dead not to want you. It's..."

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It's me. And I know the way that sounds. I can't get over the fact that I feel like I'm cheating on Kendra."

Carlie stared into his haunted blue eyes. She could see his pain and his guilt. It spilled across his face. She nodded her head slowly. "I understand, Nathan. And it's okay. For all I know, you saved me from cheating on someone also. Now," she took a deep breath, "if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rest before fixing dinner."

She stood and left him staring after her, a helpless expression on his face.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was over, the kids revived after their afternoon naps. They helped Nathan set the tree in it's tree stand. He called Carlie in from doing the dinner dishes to ask her help in making it straight while he tightened the clamps on the bottom. Then he turned it until all the females were satisfied with the placement and put it in front of the picture window in the living room where it could be seen from the road.

While Michael and Nathan set up the lights, what Nathan proclaimed was a 'man's job', Carlie and the girls finished dishes and made plates of cookies and mugs of warmed cider for snacks if anyone got hungry while they trimmed the tree.

Carlie sat back and exclaimed over every ornament that was uncovered and brought to her for her inspection, acting suitably impressed over each small angel and tiny ballerina, funny jack-in-box and crystal snowflake. Nathan supervised while the kids hung decorations until every branch held some ornament.

And then he carefully unwrapped his Grandmother's glass angel, pulling her from the cotton padded box it had been stored in after every Christmas since it's arrival in New York sixty years before. He let the girls touch the glass wings and stroke the fine white blonde hair before putting it securely on it's perch at the top of the tree.

Then he gave the kids each a handful of tinsel with the instructions to keep it even and went to sit next to Carlie. She was stacking small boxes into bigger boxes to be put back in the main box. He took her hand in his, sitting her back so that they both relaxed and watched the kids work.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, watching as the kids laughed as Meghan strung the tinsel over her hair, weaving the glittery strands in with her own towheaded curls. She danced around the other two to the Christmas carols that Nathan had turned on earlier.

"I'm fine," she answered just as quietly. "Don't worry, I understand."

"I just wish I did," he muttered, staring at their hands while he laced her fingers with his. They sat there, slowly growing more comfortable with each other as they laughed over the kids antics before finally calling a halt to the merriment and putting out all the lights but the one they left burning in the kitchen. Nathan took the lights, plugging them in while Michael tapped out a kids version of a drum roll on a stand. They stood around the pretty tree with it's colored lights and the angel that reflected the glow from it's different surfaces, admiring their handiwork.

Carlie finally broke the spell, picking up Meghan. "Okay, little Christmas tree, it's bath time." She took the final pieces of tinsel out of the tired little girl's hair and herded Katie up in front of her to put them both in the tub.

Nathan and Michael cleared away dishes and boxes and then Michael headed upstairs himself, leaving Nathan alone in the living room with the lit tree. He sat on the couch, feeling pleasantly tired and very confused.

"Dammit, Kendra," he whispered, staring up at the glowing angel. "I don't know what to do."

The glow from the angel grew brighter and seemed to change. And suddenly the angel didn't look quite the same. Nathan squinted his eyes at the brightness.

"Nathan?"

He squinted harder, making out a shape coming from the glow. "Who?"

"Nathan, it's me."

He sat up, his heart racing. "Kendra? But, how.."

"It's okay, Nathan. I need to tell you something."

He could see her now, her bright smile spreading to her green eyes and making them seem to dance. Her hair shone, the curls as silky as Meghan's and as burnished as Katie's. She looked so healthy, so happy and content. Her body was encompassed by the glow, dressed in a white so brilliant, it seemed to contain the light. He could smell the sweet floral scent of her perfume as it filled the room. He wanted to reach out and touch her but he couldn't move.

"Kendra, I...what's happening? Am I dreaming?"

"Don't be afraid, Nathan. We have to talk and I don't have much time."

He nodded, still not understanding. "You look so beautiful, Kendra."

"Oh, Nathan, my own. You always know what to say." She moved a little closer and he could see the golden aura that surrounded her. "We had a wonderful life together though it was short on my part. You gave me so much happiness, Nathan. You made me remember hope and joy with your love. And the children. Oh, my own, you are doing such a beautiful job with the children. They are happy and growing wonderfully and so very smart. I am so proud of you, of all of you."

Nathan felt a tear slip down his cheek. "They miss you. God, I miss you, Kendra."

"I know, but you all have a chance now, a second chance." Kendra gestured towards the staircase where he could see the light from the bathroom shining. "She's your chance, Nathan." Her smile seemed a little sad. "Don't throw it away, don't let the love you two could share be wasted because of guilt or doubt. Especially not because of me, my own."

"She? But..."

Kendra moved closer, her hand reaching out and touching his cheek. He felt a warmth and a feeling of peace came over him. She smiled again and he felt her move away. "Nathan, you were my first love and my last, my one and my own. Christmas is a time of blessings."

"You were my blessing," he said, closing his eyes as the glow grew ever brighter.

When he opened his eyes there was a blanket spread over him, the lights of the Christmas tree were the only ones on in the house beside the small light he kept on in his study. He stood and stared at the angel on top of the tree, his thoughts racing. Had it really happened? Had Kendra actually come to him? Or had it just been a dream? The peace he had felt with her touch still lingered, calming the knot of nerves he had been feeling for the past couple of days.

Nathan folded the blanket thoughtfully and laid it across the back of the couch, turning off the lights on the tree and going up the stairs. He checked in on his children, bending over to place loving kisses on their sleeping foreheads, staring at them for just a minute longer than necessary. Then he headed towards his room. He paused outside Carlie's door, seeing the thin line of light under it. As he reached out to knock, the light was turned off. His hand raised, he stared at that darkness.

With his thoughts still racing, he turned and went to his room, taking his own shower and then climbing in bed. For some reason, he pulled the covers down and slid into the middle of the bed, curling around a pillow and breathing in deeply. And in his mind, it wasn't flowers he smelled but spices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas Eve day started bright and beautiful with the sun shining on the snow causing tiny diamonds to glint on its surface. The kids ate breakfast and hurried outside to play. Carlie busied herself going through Maria's cookbook. She found recipes and started baking, the smell of apples and cinnamon wafting through every corner of the house.

It was her way of staying away from Nathan. She'd never forget the look on his face the night of the tree trimming, when she had come down to get him to wish the kids goodnight. He'd whispered his wife's name, his voice full of love and contentment. And the smile. Carlie sighed deeply and dug her knuckles into the dough she was making for homemade rolls. She would give anything to have him smile like that at her.

She shook her head, using her shoulder covered in one of his soft flannel shirts to push a stray strand of hair from her face. She took the kneaded dough and put it in a bowl, covering it with a clean kitchen towel then setting it aside to rest on the back of the stove where it was warm.

"Wow," Nathan said, coming into the kitchen, "something smells wonderful in here."

"Apple and pumpkin pie," she said, moving away from him to start cleaning up the mess she'd made. "I've also got rolls started."

"Carlie, we need to talk." He took two steps toward her, stopping when the phone started ringing, the sound loud in the silence of the kitchen. "Dammit," Nathan hissed, going over to answer the kitchen extension.

Carlie continued cleaning then washed her hands, before going to the refrigerator to get out the ingredients for something not in Maria's cookbook. A recipe of her mother's. She stood in the open door of the refrigerator, her breath caught in her throat as what she was thinking finally caught her attention. Her mother's recipe. Her mother was alive and lived..."Dammit!"

"Are you okay?"

She turned, caught off guard and not realizing how close he actually was. With the open door of the refrigerator on one side and him so close on the other, she was almost standing in his arms. "You scared me."

"You aren't okay. You're pale." He took her by the arms and led her away from the kitchen, making her sit in the living room. He knelt in front of her, his hands stroking softly up and down her arms. "You haven't been sleeping either. I've heard you up and pacing at night."

"It's nothing, just a little case of insomnia. I'm fine." She laughed at the doubting expression in his eyes. "Really, I am. I was just thinking about making my mother's favorite recipe. When I went into the fridge, it hit me. You know, thinking about her, knowing and I knew she was alive. I can see her face, but I can't remember her name. She's my mother and I can't remember her name."

Nathan pulled her resisting form into his arms, holding her there until she relaxed and let her head drop onto his shoulder. He gently stroked her back, breathing in her spicy scent with a sigh. If only she could remember then he could do what he wanted to do.

"You just need to let it come, Carlie. You've remembered so much. One of these days, soon, the dam will break and you'll remember. I promise." He rocked her as she had rocked him, holding her close with a tenderness that had tears backing up in her eyes.

She finally pushed away and took a deep breath, turning her face from him. "I should go check on the kids."

"Wait, Carlie. That phone call." He stopped her with a hand on her arm. "They are plowing the road today sometime, he said tonight at the latest. We'll be able to go into town."

"Oh." She looked down at him as she stood. "I'll be ready to go then, whenever you want to take me into town." Carlie wanted to escape, to go to her room. No, she stopped herself. It was the guest room and not hers no matter how much she liked it in there. She was a guest here, not a member of the family. She had to realize that.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if the roads are open, then you can take me into town. I can check the police station. Maybe someone has reported me missing." Why did the idea of leaving this house, the kids, of leaving him hurt so much?

Because you fell in love with him, with all of them.

"Sure, we can go check in at the police station if you want. Wouldn't it be easier to call them though?"

"Call them?"

"Well, now that the phone works, we could call and make a report, see if you've been reported missing. We could do that now and not have to wait until later, actually." He stood with her, still with his hand on her arm. "You didn't think that I was going to just drop you off in town and leave you there to fend for yourself, did you?" He studied her face intently, his hand coming up to cup her chin and hold her still.

"You did!" He dropped his hands off of her and walked away, his temper rising. "Carlie, what in the world did I do to make you think I would treat you so cavalierly? You've come here and been wonderful with the kids, you've taken on more than your share of the household chores. Hell, you folded my clothes. The kids love you and they expect you to be here for Christmas."

"I'd love to stay for Christmas, Nathan," she said quietly. Her blue eyes were huge in her face as she stared at him, stalking back and forth across the room. He was angry at her, but she wasn't really sure of the reason.

"And after that too, until you find out who you are," he stated firmly, leaving no doubt he meant what he said.

"Nathan, I can't do that. It could be weeks, it could be years if ever that I remember. If no one's looking for me, there might be no way to find out who I am."

"Carlie, don't you understand. I don't care. I want you to stay. I want you to stay with me." He strode across the room, determination mixing with frustration in his eyes. He was tired of pussy footing around her. Maybe it was just time to show her what he meant. He grabbed her arms, dragging her against him. "I want you to marry me, Carlie. Be my wife." His lips came down on hers, slanting across her mouth. The taste of her was sweet and wonderful and he felt his heart race as she responded, her hands slipping up his back.

He tore his mouth from hers before he got too involved. He needed to hear her say yes. "Well?" he asked insistently.

Her eyes blinked slowly at him as if coming from a dream. She stared up at him, astonished and then felt him shake her gently.

"Carlie, when a man proposes, he expects an answer."

She tore herself away, putting the length of the sofa between them. "I...I can't marry you, I can't." Tears slid down her cheeks. "I don't know who I am or if I'm already married. I don't know anything about myself. I could have killed someone, or robbed a bank. I could be on the run from the police." A sob caught her by surprise and she wrapped her arms around her slender waist feeling the pain slash deep inside of her. He was handing her what she wanted more than anything; him, the kids, to stay here with them. And she couldn't reach out and take it.