Close to Home

Lynn comes to realise that love and fleeting passion are not the same thing at all and sometimes true love comes in unexpected ways...

*

I met Alex about three years ago. Wendy said then he had to be a rat -- nobody could be that handsome and nice with it. She was my best friend and knew she could say anything she liked, so she did. She always spoke her mind and it was that part of her that endeared her to me.

I laughed it off of course, but deep down I hoped for once it wasn't a case of true words spoken in jest. So often my impetuous nature had been steadied by her perception and good sense. But I had to convince myself that this time she was wrong -- or might be. I'm afraid I'd fallen for Alex Morton, hook, line and sinker as they say and I didn't want to listen to any advice, no matter how prudent and well-meaning it was intended... not if it put a downer on a my latest romance.

If it had just been a matter of looks, (and he was gorgeous) it wouldn't have been so bad. But Alex was a charmer, witty and well-mannered and fun to be with.

We first met when he came to visit Joe, who lived in the flat opposite mine.

Easy-going, good-natured, tousle-haired Joe -- he was no oil-painting, but a lovelier guy you could not wish to meet. I always felt safe somehow whenever he was around, and most times he seemed to be... like he was part of the furniture. He was always fixing things for me and helping me out with stuff.

He'd knocked on my door one evening to borrow some milk and just over his shoulder I saw Alex for the first time. I tell you, my toes curled just seeing him. I felt myself blushing when he looked at me. He had the most devilish smile. Was an introduction too much to hope for?

I didn't have to bother my head about that, for two minutes later there was another knock on my door. It was Alex this time. "Sorry about this," he said, grinning mischievously. "You see... we're out of coffee too!"

I didn't care if this was a lie or not because my heart leapt with an intense excitement, as if a thousand butterflies had taken flight in my tummy.

"Joe thought you might like to join us for a cuppa," he added. And that was how it all began.

I trod warily at first, forbidding my heart to sing every time I heard the throaty roar of his sports car arriving for me, but my heart just wouldn't listen. I'm pretty easy-going overall, but I still get hurt and I knew I wouldn't be able to laugh off this relationship if it all went bottoms up. I was madly in love with this guy... end of!

Spring quickly gave way to summer, and one shimmering afternoon we decided to drive out to a beauty spot in the country. I settled in the seat beside Alex, wearing a light cotton frock in coral and a white blouse. I could tell by the way Alex kept glancing at me he approved.

He had the soft top down and it was so invigorating having the wind in my hair as the road stretched out before us. I felt free and reckless, kind of born again.

We came to a little village on the way where we stopped for some refreshment -- The Tudor Tea Rooms, a charming half-timbered cottage with sweeping lawns and a duck pond. A black cat stretched lazily in the sunshine on one of the tables. We sat outside and spoiled ourselves with jam scones topped with thick cream and a pot of breakfast tea. It was fun to be indulgent and not worry about the waistline for once.

Alex watched me pour the tea with an intent expression which I didn't understand, like there was something troubling him. He caught my eye and smiled quickly, once more cool and unflappable. Later we strolled down shady lanes and along bridleways and country paths, across corn fields and through bluebell woods. It was simply wonderful.

There was a drowsy stillness about the afternoon, broken only by the occasional flutter of a bird in the trees and distant sounds of motorway traffic. We found a gap in the hedge and pushed through, flopping down on the lush green grass. The smell of hay came to me and I lay back under the vast blue sky. I listened to a grasshopper while Alex propped himself on one elbow beside me.

I looked up at him. His fresh white shirt, open at the neck, curved smoothly against a tanned throat, the brooding brown eyes seemed to bore into me. I reached out for his face and touched his black hair. A little strand fell over one eyebrow. His mouth relaxed into the devilish smile, showing perfect teeth and I once again felt that strange fluttering inside me.

"Happy, Lynn?" he asked. I nodded. I was happy any time we were together. The sunshine and birdsong were just a bonus.

"And you... are you happy?" I whispered.

Again the thoughtful look. "Don't I look it then?"

"Of course," I assured him. "It's just -- oh, I don't know. You seem restless sometimes. Perhaps it's my imagination." I sat up and looked intently into his face.

"No wonder. You're a very disturbing young woman," he replied, pulling me down beside him. His strong arms were about me then, and I was lost in the urgent sweetness of his kisses. His nearness was an intoxicating wine, and all the doubts vanished as I gave myself to him completely.

On the drive home I leaned back and studied his face. His eyes never left the road, and he kept both hands on the wheel this time. When we had set out today he had been more tactile, touching me in a flirtatious way, even while driving.

Now I detected a coolness in the atmosphere and it wasn't anything to do with the sun disappearing behind the gathering clouds. He seemed different since...

***

After a while we pulled up at a pub which oozed warmth and light and cheerful chatter which drifted out through open windows into the gathering dusk. We parked up and Alex fixed the hood back up on the car.

"Looks like it might rain," he said. "Better be on the safe side."

We found a secluded corner seat and Alex fetched drinks.

"Thank you, Alex." I smiled into his eyes. No mistake this time. The brooding look was back in them. There was something he wanted to say, and he was finding it difficult.

He gulped his drink. "I've got some news for you, Lynn."

My stomach did a backward summersault. "Good or bad?" I said. My throat suddenly felt dry and tight, despite my orange juice.

"Well... both really. I've been offered a job in my firm's new branch. It's a big chance for me. It's the promotion I've always wanted."

A relieved smile sprang to my lips, then faded as I caught his expression, a suggestion that there were implications.

"It's a great opportunity for you then..? Are you taking it?"

"Yes, I can't afford not to... not if I want to get on." Something in his look sent an icy fear into my heart.

"Okay," I said, steeling myself. "Let's have it. You did say the news was good and bad." He laid his hand on mine. "The bad bit, darling, if you can call it that... well, the job's not particularly local..."

My hand beneath his went limp. "What do you mean, not local? How 'not local'?

"Well, it's kind of abroad."

"Kind of..?"

"Yes. I've been offered a position with our firm in the States."

"And you're taking it?" I couldn't think clearly at that moment. I had to hear him say it again, before my disbelieving ears would take it in.

"What's to stop me? You've always known I'm ambitious."

"Yes, but I hadn't realised that meant you leaving the country. What about us?"

"There'll be return trips home. The firm will allow me one week in six to visit the UK. All expenses paid."

But somehow I sensed a finality about it all. Was I expected to sit at home five weeks out of six twiddling my thumbs and being a good little girl while he was having the time of his life? He struggled to find the right consoling words. His cool demeanour seemed to have deserted him for a moment. "That's what's going to hurt me most, Lynn. I've been so happy seeing you. I'll miss you so much."

"You make it sound so final," I said.

"I don't mean to. You will wait for me, won't you?"

"Do you really expect me to stay behind while you..."

"I'm sorry you're taking it like this."

"Yes," I said, "and so am I. Look, Alex... if I forced you to make a choice, between the job and me, what would your answer be?" The silence that followed was deafening and confirmed my worst fears.

I wanted to mention about the possibility of me going with him, but somehow I sensed it was futile and would only have driven the nail in even further. I was sure he would have mentioned it up front, saying something like: "Guess what, darling? Great news... We're off to America."

Suddenly the atmosphere was oppressive. I gulped my drink, wishing I'd asked for something stronger than orange juice and then stood up. My head swam. I needed some air. "I think I want to go home, Alex."

He escorted me to the car and fastened my seat belt, courteous as ever. Then he settled into the seat beside me. I remember little of the drive home. I think we talked a bit -- at least, Alex did. He said something about being sure I'd understand and wish him well, I was such a sweet girl.

Yeah, I was sweet all right. Sweet little understanding Lynn - sweet on him and forever sweet on the wrong guy. It was the story of my life.

I would have loved being asked me to go with him as his wife. Mrs Lynn Morton had a nice sound to it. But he'd never mentioned marriage at any time, so if I'd let my thoughts run in that direction I had only myself to blame for the crushing disappointment that now engulfed me.

Back in my room, I lay awake for much of the night. Tears wouldn't come at first. My mind put up a safety barrier. Perhaps he'd change his mind; perhaps the whole thing would fall through, perhaps...perhaps...

My mind chased the thoughts around like a puppy chasing its tail. But beneath it all lay the cold, unyielding reality, the certainty that it was all over between us. Alex had enjoyed my company and my loving, now he was ready to run. No doubt things would have drifted happily on if this job hadn't come up; but marriage, obviously, was not for him. I could tell that the possibility of spending time away from me hadn't affected him as I hoped it would. There had been a kind of hidden glee behind his regrets and apologies, even though he had struggled to come clean about it all. He wanted his freedom, a fresh start, an opportunity for success in his career and status in life and these things were now firmly within his grasp. He didn't want anyone getting in the way of that, least of all me.

He tried to see me the next day, but I didn't feel like meeting him. There was nothing to say and no kisses to kiss. I loved him still, but how could I bear to be with him when he was soon to be gone? Better to part now, while the icy numbness had me in its grip.

Wendy asked me to stay at her flat for a few days. Good old dependable Wendy. She had always been the one I turned to. That's what best friends are for. She was just a little older than me, but always had a good sense beyond her years, and this time she showed her usual perception. She knew I was badly hit by this business, and, on her insistence, the "few days" lengthened into a month.

***

When I returned to my place, there was a pile of letters waiting for me, and one of them was from Alex. It had obviously been delivered by hand. It was genuinely affectionate, thanking me for everything, and telling me the date of his departure, which was the day before yesterday. So he'd already gone!

I was jolted out of my brooding by the doorbell. It was Joe. I felt kind of embarrassed about facing him again, yet relieved and comforted that he was still here.

"How lovely to see you!" His easy grin held a warm welcome. "I thought you were never coming back. So glad you have, though. Fancy a coffee?"

I nodded, crossed the landing to his room and perched on the arm of his settee. "Sorry to hear about all that with you and Alex." He patted my arm affectionately and then changed the subject skilfully. Thank goodness he wasn't going to discuss it; and yet he hadn't completely ignored the subject. Joe knew how to strike just the right note. I sipped the coffee gratefully.

He suddenly picked up his coat. "Want anything at the shops?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm going out myself shortly. Thanks anyway, Joe. And thanks for the coffee."

I just made it across to my flat. The coffee and I parted company as I staggered to and just about made the bathroom. Oh, my God! The dreadful suspicion that I was pregnant could no longer be discounted. I rang Wendy, who arrived at my door soon after. She was full of practical common sense. "I've got a pregnancy kit. I always keep it handy. You can test yourself. You have to know one way or the other."

The test proved positive and when I should have been feeling joy at the news of a baby, a dreadful feeling settled like a brick in the pit of my stomach. The room began to go black and my ears buzzed.. I closed my eyes, swaying. Wendy put her arm around me, steadied me and chaperoned me to a chair.

"Sit quietly for a moment and it will pass," she said gently, as the tears sprang to my eyes. "I'll get you a drink."

Wendy came with a cool glass of water. A few sips later I was feeling much better.

"What are you going to do?"

"I need some time to think," I told her. She stayed to chat for a while and once she had made me some hot, sweet tea to drink and was certain I was going to be okay, she left me alone with my thoughts... and the knowledge of a new life beginning inside me.

The evening seemed to slip by in a haze of confusion. I was no nearer knowing what I should do. I was just making myself a hot malt drink, preparing to go to bed when my doorbell rang again.

"Joe..!" And suddenly I burst into tears and fell into his arms. My knees sagged as he led me inside and sat me down." It's okay, Lynn. I'm here now." His voice was unexpectedly gentle, and not alarmed by the spectacle I must have been making of myself. I stared at this friendly, familiar face. "It's all right, I know all about it. Wendy called round after she left you and kind of explained things."

I felt too limp to ask questions and leaned my head weakly against his shoulder. Unexpectedly, his arms went round me then; not demanding as Alex's had been, but reassuring, comforting. He cradled me against him.

"I want you to know I'll always be here for you, Lynn. I'll take care of you -- and the baby. Marry me, Lynn. I know you don't love me now, but I promise you will come to love me, at least a little. I'll really try hard for you."

His pleading surprised me out of my self-pitying stupor. To hear Joe speak of love was something that had never entered my head before. Perhaps when you live close to someone you miss the obvious.

I looked up, and saw in his eyes, not pity, but warmth and understanding, coupled with caution. He was mentally holding his breath.

"I'll have to think about it, Joe, I'm sorry. My head's in such a whirl at the moment." I was trembling with a peculiar excitement and my voice was all quivery. He understood. Of course my situation and his unexpected proposition needed thinking about.

Wendy, of course, had already confided my fears to him. She knew what I had been too blind to even suspect all along -- that Joe was utterly and completely in love with me, and, as she later pointed out, my secret would have come out eventually in the natural course of events.

***

As promised, I did think over Joe's proposal. And I spoke of it to Wendy, who was bound to be full of good sense. But this time, there was no ready-made answer. "It's for you to decide," she told me. "But don't only think about it. Feel about it too!"

So that's what I did and I think I was surprised to discover the warmth and sweetness in my heart that must surely have been waiting for Joe all along.

So I married him -- not just for the sake of the baby girl who was later to arrive; but because I saw now that real love and fleeting passion are two different things entirely.

But all that was three years ago now and when at night I tuck my little daughter into bed and kiss the small, tousled-haired heads of my twin sons, I say a prayer of thanks to my loving, and much-loved, Joe.

THE END