Close Your Eyes

Note: "This writer does not mean to imply that just because you are fat, old, short, and/or ugly that you are not popular, hot, and/or do not have love in your life. Except for Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, who are just idiots, we are all uniquely different and special individuals."

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There was something in the air that night as Wendy drifted off to sleep. She was thin, she was young, she was tall, and she was beautiful. Life was good. She was popular, she was hot, and everyone loved her.

There was something in the air that night as Mandy drifted off to sleep. She was fat, she was old, she was short, and she was ugly. Life was not good. She had no friends, she was not hot, and no one loved her.

Yet, in a whirlwind of revolutionary transformation, the wind from the west, the south, the east, and the north converged in a cornfield in Kansas and exploded in a tornado of cyclonic change that continually circumvented the planet around and around at the speed of light, 670,616,629 miles per hour until the dawn of daylight.

Something appeared different when Wendy awoke with a start. Everything was not right. Something appeared different when Mandy awoke with a start. Everything was just great.

The fat, old, short, and ugly cherubs decided that it was their day and their time to play God and He allowed it. A day of reckoning with the intervention from Heaven above delivered a powerful blow to those who were proud, conceited, shallow, mean spirited, and insensitive to the needs and feelings of others who were less fortunate in the lottery of the genetic gene pool. Now, those who were thin, young, tall, and beautiful were no longer the desirable ones and those who were fat, old, short, and ugly were the desirable ones.

Photos and memories of Kate Smith and Aretha Franklin replaced those of Marilyn Monroe and Catherine Zeta Jones. Now, there was a famous photo of Oprah Winfrey without wig or makeup standing on a grate while a gust of wind blew up her white skirt showing her granny panties. Photos of Santa Claus in his Santa's hat, black boots, and red bikini briefs and Jackie Gleason in an abbreviated bus driver's uniform much like a Chippendale's costume plastered billboards, buses, and taxicabs everywhere. Burl Ives's music played over public loudspeakers and Orson Wells's films played in cinemas throughout the country.

Granny America replaced Miss America contests and reality television really became reality television when they showed exactly how people appeared in real life without all the glitz and glamour. American Idol became American Wide Doll and all contestants had to pass a minimum 200 pound weigh-in for women and a 300 pound weigh-in for men to compete in the singing competition. The 300 pound Randy Jackson was the only judge invited back, Ruben Studdard, the 400 pound winner of American Idol II, replaced Simon Cowell, and Aretha Franklin, the super diva, replaced the short and ugly enough but too thin Paula Abdul.

Paris Hilton, Jessica Biel, Beyonce Knowles, and all the supermodels were no longer celebrities. Instead, they all hid themselves away in their one bedroom, cold water flats afraid to be seen in the light of day. They were hideous looking. The dawn of a new day delivered a new batch of celebrities and supermodels.

The celebrity market was hot for fabulously fugly women who were fat and fifty. If you were fifty-five-years old, 5'2", 200 pounds, and homely, advertisers wanted you to represent their products, magazines wanted your image on their cover, Hollywood was hot for you, and the Paparazzi followed you wherever you went.

Suddenly, you were a star and it was all about you. Now, this is something that black women have known all their lives. They have the right self-confident attitude that more of us need to foster. It is all about them no matter how big they are. They are the shining star. "You go girl."

Thin, young, tall, and beautiful people were depressed, suicidal, and on antidepressant drugs. There were high fat and high carbohydrate diets available on every newsstand giving advice on how to gain weight. Thin women wore extra clothing even in the summertime and only wore clothes with horizontal, wide stripes hoping to make them fit in by making them appear bigger and heavier. Young women colored their hair grey and went days without sleep to develop and maintain the bags under their eyes. Tall women wore flats and slouched to make them appear shorter. Beautiful women wore double bags over their heads incase one bag broke.

Black, dark brown, forest green and navy blue clothing were out and formally banned and burned by the fashion industry and replaced by colorful clothing with geometric patterns of giant squares and huge neon polka dots. Women were encouraged to show some skin with their fashion. Bikinis were now available for the big, beautiful women who had the bodacious bodies to wear them. For fear of ridicule, thin women never removed their cover-ups when they were on public beaches. Fat people stared at them, pointed and laughed.

"Hey, skinny! Eat something!"

Mothers used them as an example to get their children to eat.

"Come here, child. Do you see that skinny looking woman sitting over there all by herself without a man? That's what will happen to you if you do not eat. Now, go finish all of your lunch."

It was a new world order. Thin was no longer in and big really was beautiful. Thin people stopped exercising and started eating. Cosmetic companies, Gyms, Health Clubs, LA Weight Loss, Jenny Craig, and Weight Watchers went out of business while fast food restaurants opened more restaurants at new locations. Fat was no longer a four letter word and food was not vulgar.

Surgeons invented a new procedure called the Burstie that increased the size of the stomach so that people could consume more food at a sitting. Lipopadding replaced Liposuction. Airplane seats and toilet seats were super sized and all those too small toilet stalls were now the size of handicapped toilet stalls, even the ones on airplanes. Booths were replaced by wide, cushioned captain chairs and were no longer offered in restaurants. Supermarket aisles were doubled in width and shopping carts were made larger.

A new automobile called the Maxi had plenty of interior room and offered built-in dinner tray holders like they had at the drive-in for fast food. The World Eating Competition drew a larger audience than the World Series, The Super Bowl, Times Square at New Year's Eve, and the Indy 500 combined.

Sumo Wrestling spread throughout the world. Even the United States had a national Women's Sumo Wrestling Federation better known as the WSWF. People paid big bucks to watch short, fat, old, ugly women wrestle one another while wearing thong diapers and pasties on their tits.

Victoria's Secrets changed their name to Victoria's Granny Panties and catered to obese women. The catalogs that once showed thin, young, tall, and beautiful women with wings, now showed fat, old, short, and ugly women eating chicken wings.

I am sure that after reading this essay, there are those who will accuse me of making fun of fat, old, short, and ugly people. That is the furthest thing from the truth and not the purpose of this essay. This essay makes my point by exaggerating the ridiculous hoping to make it obvious that just as it is ridiculous for everyone to revere thin, young, tall, and beautiful people, it is wrong to hate and discriminate against, fat, old, short, and ugly people. We are all God's children. For some inexplicable reason only known to God, (for those of you who believe) we are all here at the same time and in the same place. We need to have the attitude of "There go I before God." Let's enjoy the ride no matter what we look like. Life is too short to be unhappy.

My philosophy is if they cannot take a joke, fuck 'em. It's just a story...stupid. For those of you who will take offense at what I write, I apologize in advance. If we all had the attitude that no one is better than you, this world would be a better place. You cannot help the accident that is birth but you can work with what you have to make yourself better.

In the scheme of things, when you really ponder the things that are important in life, looks are so unimportant. It is what we are inside that is important. Your outside appearance can only take you so far. Who you are inside will, by far, take you further. If you need proof of that, just look at who is in control and in charge of this country and the world. It is not the good looking people. Bill Gates is no dreamboat but he is the richest and one of the most powerful men in the world. Oprah Winfrey is not most men's idea of a sexual fantasy, yet she is one of the richest and most powerful women in the world.

If you close your eyes, we all look the same. So, if you cannot see beyond your prejudices, close your eyes.