Coffee Nips Anonymous

We didn't take any. Bird, Topher and I all knew that that was what we would have become, if not for the intervention of my hat. "Okay," I said, "we know there's a conspiracy, but conspiracy to... what? We still don't know what the scheme is. If it's just to make coffee nips addictive, or increase Barney's viewership, we don't have much to put him away with."

"You could prosecute him under anti-fucking-trust laws for anti-fucking-competitive behavior," said Lucky, "but of course there's no jail time for that -- the FTC would just fine him a few million fucking dollars. Which I'm fucking sure he could afford."

"Well, there's drug-tampering," said Sabrina. "CNA has a drug that helps you nip the nip, and then they add another ingredient to it to prevent that from happening. If that's all there is to it, then we report him to the FDA and have an early lunch. But I think we all agree that there must be more to it than that."

"We won't know for a few hours yet," said Ken. "As we all know, I've confirmed the presence of Hammondaigs' v-chip in Big Bird's TV, as well as a nano-version which the nano-ninjabots carry. We also found one in this Talking Plush Barney, which Topher provided. I've hooked Bird's TV up to the computer and isolated line 21 of the television screen. Bird, could you flip the TV on?" He did so, and the screen was full of fuzz. "Don't bother changing the channel. This'll do for my purpose. Just turn down the sound. Thanks.

He turned the computer monitor so that we could all see the message on the screen. "NO INFORMATION FOR THIS PROGRAM."

"That's to be expected," said Ken, "since there's nothing on and most shows don't broadcast the necessary information right now, anyway. But look what happens," he hit a few keys on the keyboard, "when I isolate line 25."

"AWAITING COMMANDS," flashed on the computer screen.

"What does it mean?" I asked.

"Exactly what it says. I figure that those commands will scroll across my screen during the next Barney and Friends broadcast. What time does the show air?"

"Eight am and again at three in the afternoon."

"Thanks. So, at eight we'll know if we need to take Barney down, and we'll have until three to decide how to do it."

"Shouldn't we just take all the info we have and hand it to the police?" Everyone gave me a look, and I started chuckling. "Hahaha! I knew I couldn't say that with a straight face!" I went into a fit of hysterical laughter. "The Metro Police! Hahaha! I can't fucking stand it! HAHAHAHA!"

Eventually, I calmed down and wiped the tears from my face. Hughford brought me a glass of water. I took a couple of sips of the foul beverage (the raw soda-pop, if you will), because my throat needed it after all that laughing, and thanked him. "Sorry about that everyone," I said, "but when I'm sleepy, I get silly."

"No problem, Мой друг," said Nick, "it was a needed break in the serious-business. But perhaps you should get some sleep."

"Yeah," I said, getting my hat.

I was just about to put it on, when Talisman said, "Uh-oh!" and vanished.

"Whoa!" I said, but not because I was shocked by his disappearance. He'd reminded me of something I needed to do. "Can't sleep yet! I need your clothes!"

****

By dawn, I was flying towards Renée's place; a huge three-bedroom house that she rented with Leslie McCutiepie (Dave Maudlin's girlfriend) and Anita Maudlin (no relation to Dave; just one of those odd coincidences), a few miles southeast of the Canary.

I was tired as Hell (if Hell be a tired place), but I'd already tried sleeping in my bed after I'd completed my task, and it was useless. I was nervous about a possible conflict with Barney and Friends. It wasn't fear, exactly (though that was part of it, I'm not ashamed to admit. They're dinosaurs, after all), but just the usual qualms about violence. Not only that but I was still as horny as my Halloween costume. Images of nude Squasha, nude Sabrina, nude Spring and Dawn, nude June (okay, I didn't actually see her nude, but I could certainly imagine it ~ *purrrrr*) and even Samantha Fox -- Nude kept running through my mind. As well, Sabrina's words came back to me. "I won't tell her what inspired her next fantastic fuck."

I took a quick shower and checked the calendar. Good, an even day: we were a couple. It was time to visit Renée for a booty-call! Yes, I used the term 'booty-call'... I was that goddam horny.

Landing on their front porch, I knocked on the door, giving it a splash of yellow and green. Leslie answered. She looked sleepy and rumpled, but very cute in her long cotton nightgown. It covered everything, but when she let me in, just before she closed the door, the dawning light shone through it, revealing the outline of her lovely body. *Sigh* Dave had this tendency since I'd known him (and it would always be this way) of picking girlfriends that I secretly wanted to fuck. I never did, and even given the opportunity, never would (not without his blessing), but my sense of loyalty didn't stop my mind from playing such a scenario. "Sorry to wake you," I said, and dashed into Renée's room.

After a bit of prodding (and I'll let you read into that whatever you will) Renée awoke and my sexual urgency enflamed her. Soon the tie-dyed blankets and bed sheets were strewn across the tie-dyed floor, and I was spanking Renée's tie-dyed ass as I fucked her doggie-style. I ran my hands through her tie-dyed hair, and she pushed back, begging me to fuck her harder. And I obliged! Soon she was moaning and bucking as I slammed my cock into her. Pulling out, I flipped her over onto her back. I pushed her tie-dyed thighs apart and began flicking my tongue over her tie-dyed clit. Mmmm... fruit flavors! She came hard, and I drank the thick fruit-punch that flowed colorfully from her tie-dyed cunt. Then I straddled her chest, and she pushed her tie-dyed titties together, on either side of my tie-dyed cock. I fucked the valley of her colorful mounds and squeezed her tie-dyed nipples, and soon I released my lust in a wave of tie-dyed jizm, which splashed over her tits and tie-dyed face.

Renée licked my cock clean, enjoying my fruit-flavored semen, and I couldn't help but feel a wave of guilt. Because while I was fucking her, I was imagining that I was fucking Squasha or Sabrina or Dawn or Spring or any combination from a dozen or so female friends, acquaintances and/or celebrities. Not the entire time mind you, but enough to bring on the Old Catholic Guilt. Yes, I was 'raised Catholic'. I stopped being a Catholic long before I ever became an Atheist, but that notion of sin by 'thought, word or deed' being indistinguishable, reared its ugly head from time to time. The guilt didn't last very long though, as my sleepiness resurfaced and I passed out.

****

I was half-awake (or perhaps three-eighths) when Renée kissed me goodbye. "Where're you going?" I mumbled.

"I have to go to work."

"Where's yer colors?" I asked, worried.

"It all came off, as soon as I got under the shower."

"Oh. I hope it doesn't rain," I said, and went back to sleep.

****

When I awoke again, it was to the sound of heavy pounding on the front door. I looked at the clock and saw that it was just after ten. I had, of course, missed Barney and Friends. Well, not missed it, exactly. I didn't seem to have that unnatural urge anymore, but I figured I should get to the Plexiglass Onion as soon as possible, to see what information Ken Mustache got from the broadcast. But I was still desperately in need of sleep and I felt sort of weak. The pounding came at the door again, just as I closed my eyes. I guess Leslie and Anita left when Renée did.

Wrapping a tie-dyed sheet around me (I tried to remove the dye, but that power was gone), I went to the front door to tell off whatever fuckhead was pounding so rudely. I flung open the door and barked, "What the fuck do you want?" Or... I was going to, but the blue flashing lights of six Metro squad cars in the driveway and on the street gave me pause. "What can I do for you, Officers?" I asked the two cops on the front porch. The rest were taking cover behind the squad cars, with guns trained on the front door. I guess they didn't realize that if they opened fire, they'd hit their fellow Officers.

"We're investigating a horrendous act of vandalism perpetrated on the city of Nashville," said Officer Richard Head.

His partner, Officer Hef Witt, showed me an aerial photo of the city. "We were wondering if you knew something about this," he said. Over the entire area was a huge colorful tie-dyed peace sign.

"No," I lied. Not only did I know 'something' about it, I knew 'everything' about it. It happened around 3:30 am, after Sabrina was able to acquire a helicopter. She hovered high in the sky, while her passenger, D'rundarr aimed a video camera at the city below. Ken Mustache had set up a monitor for me downtown and pointed out the locations of all of Barney's operations on the screen. Then I focused my power and let the color flow, reshaping the pattern as I saw it spread over the city. It took a good bit of time, but eventually I'd made my peace sign. It was necessary to cover a large portion of the city. If I'd just tie-dyed Barney's buildings, then his people might have been suspicious. This way, it looked like the city in general was targeted, instead of Barney specifically. Meanwhile, Nick and Hughford had gathered a huge pile of clothes (fatigues and sweats, mostly) of various sizes, as per my request, and when we got back to the Onion, I tie-dyed these articles as well.

"Are you sure?" asked Officer Witt.

"Yep," I said, closing the door, "sorry I couldn't help you."

"The thing is," said Officer Head, pushing the door open again, "someone reported a tie-dyed Hippie going into this house, early this morning. You wouldn't mind if we came in, so we can beat a confes-- <*coff*> so we can ask you a few questions, would you?"

"Oh, well, of course I wouldn't," I lied again, "but I'm sort of naked. Let me just go and get dressed first. Thanks. Be right back."

"When he comes back out," I heard Officer Dick say, after the door was closed, "you shoot his kneecap, and I'll bash his head with my nightstick."

"TeeHee," tittered Officer Hef. "Yeah, that sounds like fun."

I quietly closed the bolt-lock and ran into Renée's room. The only thing I had to wear, of course, was the tie-dyed clothes that I arrived in. I'd put on clean clothes after my shower that morning but they became tie-dyed as I did so. I dressed quickly, and then wrapped every tie-dyed item in the room into the tie-dyed sheet, and tossed it all down the basement trapdoor and replaced the rug over it. I flipped the mattress on the bed, and then grabbed a mop and bucket of water. I swabbed the hardwood floor in Renée's bedroom, and then dumped the tie-dyed water down the kitchen sink.

Preparing to fly out the back door, I saw a Metro cop sneaking around the house. I ducked down under a window as the pounding on the door resumed. Apparently, I'd taken a little too long getting dressed for their liking.

"Just a minute!" I sang, nonchalantly, and crawled into the bathroom and locked the door.

"If you don't come out by the count of three," called Officer Dick Head over a bullhorn, "we're coming in after you! We have a battering ram!" Crap! I was still feeling weak, and I would need to get something to eat before I could gain back my energy. And, in my lusty haste, I'd left my hat at the Canary! Fuck! "ONE!" CRASH! I heard the front door shatter.

'What happened,' I thought, 'to two and three, you bastards!'

"Make things easy on yourself and give up," said officer Dick as they searched the house.

"If he gives up, will that mean I can't shoot his kneecap?" asked Officer Witt.

"Not so loud, Hef!"

'This is definitely an emergency,' I thought, and whispered, "Squasha."

She appeared almost instantly, in a puff of aqua smoke (with a little white mixed in), wearing tie-dyed army fatigues and a tie-dyed wool touque. I put a finger to my lips in the Universal 'shhh' configuration. "Where are we?" she mouthed silently.

"Renée's bathroom," I mouthed back, "and I don't have my hat."

"He's gotta be in here," called one of the cops from right outside the door. "Bring the ram over."

"Get us to my place," I whispered fiercely, "quick!" We were standing in a thinning cloud of yellow smoke (with a little green mixed in) in my living room, before I finished talking. "Whew! Good work, Squasha!" I hugged her tight, feeling mighty relieved.

"Ready to go to the Onion?"

"Yes," I said, as I reached for my hat. It leapt into my hand, and I reached in for a Four-Quarter-Pounder™ (with cheese!). Egad, I needed that.

Squasha declined the bite of the huge cheeseburger that I offered her and then teleported us to the Plexiglass Onion in a puff of -- mmmm, onion-rings! I got some out of my hat. They were covered with green-plaid patterned ketchup and they were delicious. Man, I was hungry! "Hi, everyone!" I offered some food to the assembled group, but everyone had already eaten.

I apologized for my tardiness, and everyone was pretty understanding, considering that I wasn't the only one to have overslept after the late night we'd had.

Almost everyone had a mug of coffee, and the ClownWatch penguins were trying on some tie-dyed boxer shorts. Lucky was doing some stretching exercises and then did some practice kickboxing moves (he was obviously a championship level kickboxer), while Cat and Topher were having a private conversation in the corner.

I heard Topher say, "Honestly, Cat, you have no reason to apologize. It was Frank who tried to profit from my..." But as I said, it was a private conversation, so I didn't pry.

"So, what was going on at Renée's place?" asked Squasha.

"Someone saw me go in there this morning and reported me to the cops. For some reason, they think I had something to do with the giant peace sign tie-dyed over the city. I need to make a quick phone call and then I'll be ready to be briefed."

I dialed the secure untraceable phone, which Ken handed me.

"Metro Police Department," came the feminine voice on the line.

"Detective Fishhead, please." I knew the name, because Cat had managed to get hold of one of the Detective's reports. Fishhead, it seems, had been investigating He-Man (specifically, the location of his sword, when he becomes Prince Adam), and we printed the report in PBU. Cat's source never did find out why He-Man was under investigation, however.

"Carl Fishhead," he said, when he picked up the line.

"You've got some Officers searching for a tie-dyed Hippie at..." I gave him Renée's address. "Are they still there?"

He covered the phone, but I could hear that he was checking with dispatch. "Yes. Do you have information about the 'Tie-Dye Terror'?"

Jesus fuck. "Yes." I didn't want Renée, Leslie or Anita to have to deal with a pack of gun-happy Metro cops (as if there were any other kind) when they got home, so I had to dupe Detective Fishhead into sending them on a wild-goose-chase. "He's hanging out at Centennial Park with a flock of wild geese."

"Thank you, sir. I'll send my Officers right away."

I hung up the phone. "Squasha? You feel like warning the geese?"

"I'm on it!" She 'ported away in a puff of violet smoke (with a little peppermint mixed in), and was back again, in a puff of green smoke (with a little purple mixed in) before Ken finished briefing me.

****

By a quarter to three, we had taken battle positions, and the tie-dyed camouflage worked perfectly. People walked within five feet without noticing us. The sky was a little cloudy, but if rain was coming it wouldn't be for hours yet. We had the element of surprise on our side.

"This is Big Hairy Hippie," I said over the commlink headset, which Hammer had provided for everyone. "We're standing by." I looked over my team. Lucky was all business, crouched low and prepared for anything. Bill Nefarious and twelve of his fellow ClownWatch penguins had skateboards ready. Camouflage was still invisible and he put a strong hand on my shoulder, to let me know he was with us. Big Bird, Fred Rogers and Mr. Conductor looked worried, but they had put their trust in us when we filled them in on all the details of Barney's evil plan.

And evil it was. The commands that the v-chip received (and Ken's pet computer translated into text) during his morning broadcast told the tale.

Those commands being:

"WATCH BARNEY AND FRIENDS QUIETLY"

"OTHER SHOWS ARE BAD"

"YOU NEED BARNEY TOYS"

"YOU DO NOT WANT OTHER TOYS"

"BARNEY IS YOUR LORD AND MASTER"

"LOVE BARNEY"

"BUY COFFEE NIPS AND SHARE THEM WITH YOUR FRIENDS"

"WHAT IS GOOD FOR BARNEY IS GOOD FOR EVERYONE"

These commands scrolled across the monitor of Ken's pet computer over and over again, while the show was on. And between each of them was one very ominous message. "BARNEY MUST RULE THE WORLD!"

It was all anyone needed to know, and we all donned our tie-dyed camouflage, divided into teams and planned our four-way assault.

"Tennessee Tuxedo, ready to kick some purple ass," said Martin, leader of the ClownWatch penguins, over the commlinks. His team consisted of the other fifteen or so penguin gang members, Cat and Eddie the Screamer. They were waiting outside the Pearson's Candy factory, and their job was to stop production of the addictive nips and to force them to replace the Addictatine with the white-clad nano-ninjabots.

"The Saint, standing by." Topher, Squasha and Charlie Thompson were at the Coffee Nips Anonymous Center. They were to take the building, secure Ms. Slalom's computer for evidence and stop the distribution of the bad De-Caff coffee nips. Squasha also planned to teleport any nip addict residents out of the building, figuring she could filter out any black-clad nano-ninjabots and mind-controlling nano-v-chips, as she did so. Backing up this team were about forty wild Canadian geese. When Squasha had gone to the park to warn them that the cops would be questioning them, they naturally wanted to know why, so Squasha told them everything. They were very understanding of our ruse (in fact, they called it 'clever'), and incensed about Barney's world-conquering designs. They volunteered, on the spot, to help in any way they could.

"Team Hammer here," said Nicolai. "The Anvil is in sight." Nick, Hughford, Ken, Sabrina and D'rundarr were in a tie-dyed van outside of Bernard Terrance Rx Laboratories. Barney's cloning lab. They were waiting for a loading bay door to open, so they could drive in and take the building. The plan was to free any of Barney's feed-clones and stop production of any more. Doc Pittman accompanied them out of scientific curiosity. He also had a hunch that John Hammondaigs would be at the lab, and he wanted to know why such a brilliant scientist and musician would work for an evil bastard like Barney. I sensed that Doc was in the throes of disillusionment over someone he'd idolized. "Well," he'd say to me much later, "he was giving Mad Scientists a bad name!"

That left me and my team to secure the Barney and Friends Studio and stop Barney from controlling the minds of his viewers. At first, we'd toyed with the idea of rewriting the commands, to counteract the ones Barney had been transmitting. But Jessica pointed out that, even with the best of intentions, there was too much potential for abuse. Did we really want to use Barney's methods? We saw the truth of her words immediately and there was not one voice of dissent. Instead, we decided to disable the mind-control transmitter, and put Big Bird, Mr. Rogers and Mr. Conductor in front of the cameras to plead with the children to make up their own minds about what shows they liked.

I still had my misgivings about this operation, and I'd mentioned it to Eddie.

"Beat 'em up, man!" he'd said. "It's the only way."