Cold Hands

"He was with me again last night. This time I wore just a simple shift, clean and white, no bra, no panties, just simple and sexy and pure. I wanted Him to have me. When I called to Him, I said 'I'm waiting for You, Richard. I'm waiting for You to make love to me.' He came and sat on the bed right next to me and told me how pretty He thought I was. He said that He loved me, and that He would make love to me. He said He'd 'enter' me. Isn't that a nice way of putting it? He told me He wanted to make my flesh his own. I almost melted right into the mattress when He said that! He was on top of me, and I could feel His cold, cold hands on my sides- my arms and legs flew open to accept him, and I didn't have to hold still this time! I felt Him trace up and down from my underarms to my hips, and I could feel His icy green eyes burning into me like they could see right into my soul! But Diary, let me tell you that's not all I felt! You know, I felt His THING! It was hard and cold like a popsicle! He had it right at the entrance to my vagina, and I had to bite down really hard on my lip to keep from howling as He slid his freezing cold thing into me! I wanted to scream out loud, but I didn't want him to go away, so contained it, just barely!

"His THING didn't feel all that big when it went in, but as He moved it around inside me, holding my wrists down to the bed with my arms stretched out, it felt like He filled me up all the way, sort of like that time I tried a douche. But, it wasn't warm, and it was heavier and thicker, like Jell-O. I thought it would be more firm and hard, like 'wood,' but I think that's just how He is, because, you know, he doesn't have a body like other guys. Oh, Diary, He was incredible, there was no pain like they said there might be, He was just in me and I was rolling around and kicking and trying to thump my arms and legs up and down, but He was holding me down, and my head was rocking side to side, and His eyes just kept staring right into me, penetrating me just the same as how He was penetrating me with his thing and pumping me and making love to me!

"But this is the best part: He made me have an orgasm! I've made myself 'cum' before, a little, I think, but dear Diary, it was nothing like this! It was like icy needles shot up through my whole body through my vagina and a white-hot/cold spark set off some kind of firework in my head and it felt like it lasted forever, it was bliss. I learned in French class (well, ok, outside of class) last year that they call an orgasm 'le petit mort,' which means 'the little death.' I can see why! I want to 'cum' with Him again and again and again, forever and ever! I Love Him… did I mention that already? Hee Hee."

From an interview with Todd A., recorded October 20

"We stopped by Elizabeth's room and saw Anna this one time, before things got really bad, and I noticed that their heating vents weren't working. It was like twenty degrees colder in there. But Anna didn't seem to notice, and Elizabeth was more worried about Anna. At the time, we thought it was drugs. Anna didn't seem the type, and her friends… well, she didn't seem to HAVE any friends. Not that we knew of. We were worried that Anna had a secret affair going on and that the guy was feeding her pills or something. I thought it must have been Downers. The girl was pretty out of it, after all."

From the Spirit journal of Alonzo M., September 22

"Okay, now I know for sure that 'NNNA IS GRL' who I'm supposed to help, and I think she lives in his room, but that's pure speculation. He won't shut up about 'MY ROOM,' but he won't tell me where it is, either! He just says 'NONONO' when I ask. But, he came up with something else to say! 'ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK HATE.' That's the most coherent thing I've ever gotten from him, but I don't know what he means or how I'm supposed to help him with his room. He only said it once. I think it took a lot out of him."

From the diary of Anna B., September 24

"Okay, I should thank you, dear Diary, for your help in Bev's class on Thursday. She wanted us to keep a journal of what we've been feeling as we read the assignments, and maybe I've fallen a little behind lately. Ok, I didn't read the last one. Or, the one before that. But I'm so lucky I've had you, dear Diary, right there in my bag when there was a photocopier handy! That way, I had SOMETHING to turn in to her. I remember that she said she wouldn't accept late work, but would always take a re-do. I'll just explain I was confused (you ARE a journal, after all) and turn in something different later.

"Actually, I'm lucky I made it to class at all. I've been terrible about sleeping in lately. Having all that yummy lovemaking with Richard is doing funny things to my sleep cycle, but I don't care. I think that being sexually active does stuff to your body- Todd's skin has cleared up since the beginning of the year, I think. And there's that girl down the hall who started up with that fraternity boy, she smells funny now. A little less sleep is a small price to pay for Richard, who has become the light and the center of my life! He comes to me every night now, sometimes two or three times, and He makes love to me every time! I've given up wearing anything to bed, he told me that he likes me naked! He says it's to 'savor my flesh,' isn't that cool? At first, I feel soooo naughty just being naked alone in my room, then I felt completely natural and relaxed, now I take off all my clothes the instant I get into my room and I lay on the bed or on the floor and wait for him to come to me! I've been busy lately!"

From an interview with Beverly W., recorded October 15

"I guess I noticed that there was something not-quite-right about Anna sometime in September, even before she turned in that Xerox of her diary. She's a bright student, she started off very attentive, punctual, and she always turned everything in on time, but she slipped. Usually, students will either stay on the mark and be consistently good, or they will be lackluster from the beginning and hopefully drop the class before an F or a D ends up on their transcripts. I've been a Graduate Assistant for two years now, and I've never seen anyone slip so fast. I guess I thought she must have suffered some trauma, but when she turned in those diary pages, I knew she needed help."

From an interview with Elizabeth R., recorded October 20

"Once, before things were really bad, I went into our room to get something, right in the middle of the day, and I found her totally naked and laid out on the bed. At first, I thought she was asleep, because she wasn't making any noise, but she was right up on top of all the covers, and she was moving around. Then I thought she was, er, ah… masturbating or something because of the way her body was heaving up and down and her head was rocking around, but she wasn't touching herself or anything. Her hands were flat and open and stretched out over her head. I thought she might have a… uhm, well, you know, a…a vibrator, down there, but I didn't stay to watch, I turned away. I had a serious case of the creeps, not just because I felt like I was peeking, or intruding, though that's part of it. I felt like I was being, you know, WATCHED, even though she'd had her eyes screwed shut and acted like she didn't noticed me.

"I left and closed the door behind me without getting whatever it was I came for… I don't even remember what it was, now… and as I was standing there in the hall, I shivered and wanted my jacket. She must have had the window open. I remember, because I had a little argument with Todd when I went back and told him about it- he said the windows don't open. I told him what did he know, maybe they don't open in Perlman, but they might in Boxer. He said no, he was sure they don't open in any of the dorms, especially Boxer, because he'd heard some kid once fell out of a window there and died.

"Now this is the really creepy part. I forgot about the argument right then, but that's the way Todd is, he has to win everything, and later on, he showed me prints of the old school papers from like thirty years ago. He was right, of course. A freshman named Richard Johnston fell out of Boxer hall and broke his neck, right after the dorm was built, then they bolted all the windows shut after that. Todd got curious when he saw that the guy fell from the same floor that we lived on, and he went back and checked the leasing records. That kid fell out the window of OUR room."

From the diary of Anna B., September 29

"Stupid! Stupid, Stupid, Stupid! Richard made me promise never to tell anyone! He wanted for US to be private and magical, and what did I do? I showed that stupid cunt everything I'd written about him in those stupid fucking pages I copied for her! I told her that it was just a story, that I'd made him up, and I think she believed me, but she could see how upset I was. I ran away from her in tears when she kept asking me about it. Stupid of me, I should have done a better job of pretending, I shouldn't have cried, but I was soooo mad at the bitch, and mad at myself, that I risked everything that really matters over her stupid fucking homework!

"Richard was angry. He was very very pissed off, and He had every reason to be. I did a bad thing and I needed to be punished so I wouldn't do it again. He was right to throw that lamp at me. And those books. I deserved it. It made a mess, but I cleaned it up, and nothing big or expensive was broken. I couldn't do much about the burns or the bloodstains on the carpet, but He helped me move the furniture around afterwards, and we covered everything pretty well. I just had to stay in my room for a few days so nobody else would ask any stupid questions about the bruises, and it was a blessing, really, because He was with me the whole time. He spent every day telling me how pretty I am, and how much He Loves me, and how proud He is of me, and He kept making love to me over and over again! It was our honeymoon, really. Those were the best few days of my life, being naked together with Him all the time, tasting His cold electric charge in the air, everything always looked like it was wet and sparkling with life! I'm sorry I made the stupid mistake, but it will never, ever, ever-ever-ever happen again and I know Richard loves me and will never leave me. The whole thing just proved our love for each other, I can think of it as a trial by fire, forging the steel of our relationship."

From an interview with Todd A., recorded October 20

"After I showed her that thing from the school paper about the guy who went out the window, Elizabeth just freaked out. She was convinced that something evil was happening to Anna, and that it wasn't just a coincidence. She thought the room was haunted. I know it was stupid, but she was really scared. I tried to tell her that Anna was just on drugs, that lots of kids drop out their freshman year 'cause they're not ready, and that if anything was haunted, it would be the pavement outside where the kid hit the ground. Saying that just made her cry. One of these days I've got to learn to keep my big mouth shut."

From the Spirit journal of Alonzo M., October 1

"Okay, this is bad news. I trust R. He means well, he's worried, and he's scared. Rightly, so, too. Gramma was right about me asking him the wrong questions. Instead of trying to figure out his problem and getting 'MY ROOM' or 'NO' again, I tried to think of something that would let him tell his story, and I asked him why he was frightened. He hesitated and tried to give me 'NNNA' again, but I stopped him and asked what I saw in my nightmare when he first asked me for help. Then, my fingers quickly flew out and pushed together the tiles that spell out 'INCUBUS.' Perfectly clear, neat, and exactly right the first time. It took me a second to remember that an Incubus is a Demon that rapes and destroys women. NNNNA is in terrible danger. This is what he's been trying to tell me all along. What do I do?"

From the diary of Anna B., October 2

"Richard and I have totally made up now. He's just so wonderful, I can hardly tell you how much. He's taught me what it means to be a woman, what it is to be in Love. And it is Love, I know what the word means now. Just today, He wanted to sexually explore with me even further- He said He wanted to 'eat' me! I've given blowjobs before, but that was just horrible and those dirty boys with their smelly bodies just disgust me now! But anyway, none of them were ever interested in using their mouths on me, and now I'm glad they didn't! Eeeew! But when Richard said He would do that, He said it so passionately, He said He would 'consume' me! Isn't that great? Consume me. And I wasn't disgusted at all, because He's so clean, you know, the way He is… I can't wait!"

From an interview with Beverly W., recorded October 15

"I was really, really worried about her. First it was those diary pages, then she stopped showing up for class. Then, I saw how her roommate, Elizabeth, started acting when she came to class, actually LOOKING for Anna and wondering where she was. Once, it looked like she was going to burst into tears, and I just knew it was because she was imagining something horrible was happening. I wasn't too sure she was just imagining it, either. I was thinking the same thing."

From the diary of Anna B., October 5

"Richard is the whole reason for my whole, life, you know that, Diary? I was born to give Him Love, and He is my very own soul. My body is the instrument He plays in the Cosmic Symphony Orchestra, my mind is the page on which His music is written, and my spirit is the air in which His Divine Song rings. Every breath I draw, I do so for the sake of the next time he visits me. I cannot imagine life without Him now, Diary, I can scarcely remember my life before He came to me- it's like I wasn't even truly alive at all! Up until Richard, nothing mattered, my body was an empty shell, my mind was useless clutter and worry, and my spirit was wasted energy. My whole being was an egg waiting to be fertilized and to hatch. When Richard makes love to me, I blossom open like a flower, I burst like ripe fruit, and I become ONE with TRUE fulfillment.

"When Richard is not with me, everything is dull and lukewarm and grey, it's like I'm sleepwalking and nothing is real. The color bleeds out of all the colors, no food has any taste, and all I can do is sit and wait for Richard to come to me again. Sometimes I have to close my fingers in the door again and again to feel the Shine of Life. I will go for walks, and sometimes I can still make the stars come from behind my eyes when I put my head to the wall, but it's a dull, empty thing. The only reason I'm still alive is that I know the time is coming soon when Richard and I can truly become one, and He will be with me always, always inside me, and the world will be an electric, glistening, marvelous wonderland and we will know all the delicious sensations of the flesh together!"

From the Spirit journal of Alonzo M., October 7

"Something terrible has been happening this whole time, I can feel it. R is very upset now. I've got to find out what I can do to help, but he just keeps saying 'MY ROOM,' 'DANGR,' 'HELP,' and 'NNNA.' I've gotten a little bit more out of him, but he's very, very agitated, so he's not too helpful or clear. When he's being constructive, though, he says 'LOVE' once in a while, or 'ONLY LOVE.' I remember, 'ONLY LOVE CAN BREAK HATE.' Is this his strategy for facing down the Demon?

"I've had a little more luck on his room, too. Up until today, the most he's said has been 'UPUPUP,' but when I changed the question and asked him 'How should I find your room?', he hemmed and hawed, pushing the scrabble letters around until they eventually said 'BLUE CURVES.' I don't know what he might have meant by that. I'll look around the building for curved blue walls or patterns in the carpet and stuff like that, but I don't know what I'll do if I find the place."

From an interview with Scott S., recorded October 21

"I thought it would be a cool thing to see when I heard that the crazy girl wandered around the halls naked. Dave saw her first, and made us promise to keep quiet about it, or else the whole floor would have been as crowded as a football game, y'know, 'cause she used to be pretty hot at the beginning of the year. A bunch of us were in my room, and we had beer there… yeah, so what? We kept quiet and we weren't bothering anybody. But when we saw her, at first it was like 'quiet, man, shut up, here she comes' and we were all quiet, right, but then when we got a good look at her, it was just sad.

"Yeah, she was naked, but she was so damn skinny, like she hadn't eaten in weeks, and she was dirty, too. And goddamn, the bruises, they were pretty bad. Bob says he saw blood in the corners of her mouth, and all over her hands, but I didn't see that. I saw the bags under her eyes and the dazed expression on her face; it was like 'the lights are on, but nobody's home,' y'know? But that wasn't the worst part, the worst part was the smell. She walked right past the door, which we left open, and I guess she was sleepwalking or something, 'cause she didn't pay any attention to the five guys who were standing there staring at her, but she carried this WAFT like a sweaty old horse. She smelled like death, man. NOT a turn on. I was really glad we had that beer. We just sat there and got drunk and didn't say anything after we closed the door. Not even when she started banging her head against the wall and moaning."

From the diary of Anna B., October 9

"Dear Richard, i now realize that i've been waiting for you all my life, i only wrote down all my thoughts and feelings so that You could know me and have me completely, body and soul. i called this stupid, childish book a "diary" because i didn't know that it was really a letter to You all along! i am a stupid, selfish girl. Richard, i Love you and Love you and i will try harder to be a worthy vessel for your being, i only pray that you will be with me always, because i am for You, and only for You, and i always have been and always will be. Only for You. Because you now have me and own me there is no point to me writing in this dum book. Anymore. Goodbye, book."

From an interview with Beverly W., recorded October 15

"Elizabeth came to my cubicle during office hours on Tuesday, shaking and crying. After I got her calmed down, She told me all about 'Richard,' the newspaper story, and Anna's behavior. She said she finally came to me because she had just been to her room, which she'd been avoiding, and she found Anna lying on the floor with no clothes on, and she'd cut herself. She said Anna was 'finger-painting' with the blood and gazing off into space. She ran straight to the college chapel, but they told her she needed to call security and escort her into a hospital. They offered to help, but when she tried to insist that Anna needed some kind of exorcism, they refused. She came to me next because she thought that I'd seen something strange going on, and she didn't know who else she could trust to believe her.

"I told Elizabeth that she could trust me, that I understood what she meant, and that we would help Anna together. I did NOT tell her about the diary, because that would have been a breach of ethics. Elizabeth insisted that we couldn't just leave Anna in that room, and I agreed. I don't know WHAT we would do when we got there, but Elizabeth clung onto me like a little child and we were on our way to her when we met… Alonzo… in the lobby. He was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. He had these full, sensuous lips and eyelashes as long as a summer afternoon, casting a veil over a pair of eyes that looked like they were on fire! He looked right at me and I saw his expression melt away into astonishment. He almost ran right over to me and asked 'Is this her?'"