Consequences - Delia

"That was before we talked Saturday morning. That conversation with you Saturday was a real shock to me and it woke me up from what seemed like a long sleep. I think I was just sleepwalking, listening to Marty, going out with Phillip and Jack and Marty and those lunches when you were at work. The lies she told me, and the suggestions that you were cheating on me and all of it. All of it was just a lie and I bought into it. But when you made me see the truth of it Saturday, I knew it was over. I had to stop it! All of it!"

She was shaking her head back and forth as if to negate all of what she had done. She believed what she was saying and I found it hard to listen. But, she was almost done.

"I called Phillip and told him to meet me at the diner. We drove around while I told him it was over. I had changed my mind and I didn't want to see him any more. What we were doing was wrong and I couldn't do it any more. He didn't want to stop but I finally convinced him I was serious. He still wanted to see me but I told him never again. It was over. He finally accepted it and drove me back to the car. That's when you saw me."

So, that was it. After all of that, she hadn't even gone through with it. I was surprised but I did believe her. Dee was a lot of things, but she was never a very good liar. Even little white lies gave her a problem. But now, it was my time to talk.

"Well, Dee, that is quite a story. So, after all the shit from Marty, all the lies you listened to and accepted, after all the clandestine lunches and dinners when you lied to me, you finally decided to consummate your affair and cheat on me and our marriage. But you couldn't go through with it. Why?"

"What do you mean, why? Because it was wrong! I understood that and I stopped it."

"But if it was wrong, why did you agree to it in the first place? Why all the lunches and dinners and the lies to me about what you were doing and who you were with? Why did you make plans to fuck him? Let him make a motel reservation? And why go so far as to tell me you were going out with Marty? Right up until that morning, you intended to go through with it. What stopped you?"

"Well, you talked to me and told me that it was all lies from Marty. It was all in her head and she just told me that to convince me to cheat like she had done. That's why. I understood that it was a lie and that what I was doing was wrong."

"So, you would have gone through with it if I hadn't finally made you see that it was all lies and face up to what you intended to do?"

"Yes, I mean no, I mean . . . I just don't know! But I didn't and that is the important thing."

"No it isn't. The important thing is that you were willing to believe the worst of me and you were seeing another man without telling me. The important thing is that you were ready and willing to sleep with another man, just because someone told you I was cheating on you. The important thing is that you never once thought of coming to me and talking to me. You were already cheating on us in your mind. All the dates: the intimate lunches and dinners. You were living with me but you were thinking of him. You stopped making love with me but planned to do it with him. You had accepted his proposition and were planning on committing adultery! Only my intervention stopped you."

This wasn't going as Delia had planned. This wasn't the forgiving husband that she expected. The fact that she didn't actually sleep with the guy was all she saw. The fact that she had agreed to it didn't enter her mind. The lunches and dinners while lying to her husband didn't even concern her. The lies she chose to believe about her husband heard from someone else didn't concern her. Only the fact that she didn't actually do it was important. Only the sexual act made it cheating in her mind. She didn't even see the betrayal of intimacy and trust as cheating. They weren't important to her.

"Pete, please. I didn't go through with it. I never cheated on you! I didn't! You have to see that! I didn't do anything, I didn't!"

"Yes you did. You went out with another man, to lunch and to dinner on many occasions. You lied about it and kept it from me, which shows that you knew it was wrong. You made my life hell at home because you chose to believe someone else rather than trust me. He kissed you and you told me you didn't enjoy it but you didn't tell him to stop. You made plans to sleep with him and only stopped because I got in the way. That's what you did!"

"No! No! That's not right. I didn't sleep with him and I didn't enjoy the kiss. I told you I convinced myself that I did. But I didn't."

"No, you convinced yourself you did because you wanted to find a way to betray me. In your mind, you made it OK."

Dee was now a wreck. None of this had gone as she wanted. Everything she said was different when I looked at it. I saw things she didn't want me to see and she didn't know how to handle it. She looked at me through tear clouded eyes.

"What are you going to do? Can't you forgive me and we can start over? Try to fix this? It's not too late. I didn't do anything, so we can fix this. We can!"

"It's too late. It was too late when you decided not to trust me. It was over the first time you went to dinner with him while lying to me. That's when it was over. You just didn't know it. Neither did I until you told me. Now I know. It's time for you to face up to it. Our marriage is over. It's dead and there's nothing left."

Delia cried and argued and pleaded but never during it all did she once say that she loved me and needed me. She only repeated over and over that she didn't follow through with her affair. To her, that was all that was important. I believe she knew it was over and was just trying to convince herself, but it was too late. The love was gone. Hers as well as mine. She killed mine as surely as though she had kept that rendezvous at the Skyview Motel. Hers had obviously died some time before. She just didn't know it yet.

I moved out that day, finally ending it. There was no marriage left to save. No love left in my heart for Delia. She had betrayed me just as surely as if she had slept with him. Love, respect and fidelity are the three legs at the base of any marriage. If one is damaged, the marriage is in trouble but could still be saved. When two are removed, the marriage collapses. The third leg is unable to prop it up. In our case, Delia had broken two of the three and had planned on the third. There was no way back for me.

I filed for divorce the next day. Delia didn't fight it.

Consequences are a bitch!