Consequences - Ellen

"Hello? Who is this please?"

"It's me. The guy whose boss you had to call to try to get me in trouble. Why in the hell did you do that? Are you trying to get me fired the first day on the job? Don't you know that you're messing with your future alimony?"

"Spencer please. I was going crazy not knowing where you were. You left before we had a chance to talk about anything. You didn't give me a chance to explain."

"Shut the fuck up about explaining. I knew exactly what you were going to do and so did you. There was nothing to explain. You were going to fuck him and we both know it. So again, why in the hell are you calling my boss?"

Spencer, you have it all wrong. I was only trying to make you jealous. I wasn't going to do . . ."

"Ellen, I'm going to hang up now. You can't stop lying, or else you're kidding yourself. This marriage has been in trouble for some time and now we both know why. You wanted more than I was giving you and you found a way to go out and get it. Well, count me out. I want no part of it and I want no part of you. Leave me alone, understand?"

"No Spencer. I'm not going to leave you alone. I don't care what you think and I won't go away without a fight. I said it once and I'll say it again. You're wrong about me."

"Goodbye Ellen. Don't call me again."

With that I hung up. She didn't know where I was staying and all she had now was my phone number so I pulled the phone plug out of the wall. That should let me in the clear for a while. I had to get things going here and I needed the time alone to do that. I decided to call Flynn tomorrow and ask him to start proceedings and see if he could expedite them. And maybe a restraining order on Ellen? Worth thinking about.

So, first thing the next day I called Flynn and told him to get the ball rolling. I wanted out and I wanted it as soon as he could get it done. He told me he had filed the papers on Monday as we agreed but that it would take at least 180 days, even with a no fault divorce. If Ellen didn't cooperate, it could take longer. But he was on it. I mentioned a restraining order but he just laughed and said to forget it.

I was able to get a lot done in the next three days. I met with all of the construction engineers, most of the subcontractors, I spent time with the planners and the architects and we set up and vetted several of the project timeliness. I was in my element and things went well. I plugged the phone in long enough in the evening to check for messages and just erased those from Ellen. Time passed and things got better.

I was usually so tired in the evenings that I fell asleep without trouble and without dreams and I believed my life was on track again. Tomorrow was Friday and I was meeting with a realtor that evening after work. It was time for me to look for somewhere permanent. I had no thoughts but that would be more of an advantage than anything else.

It was just after 7:30 the following evening when the realtor finally left. He had shown me a number of properties that he thought I would like and we had made some plans to see a couple of them tomorrow. There was one I really liked that was sort of modern and sat up on a small rise overlooking a scenic valley. It was within my price range and I thought it might just be perfect. It had a pool and a separate building in the back for a shop or hobby site and the owners were anxious to sell. Maybe I would get lucky and find a place early. Since it was just me, I could decide on site. With that thought, I kicked off my shoes and relaxed for the first time in a hectic week. Things might just be OK after all. I hadn't felt the pain now for almost three days. Just an occasional twinge when I least expected it. I could live with that.

The phone messages from Ellen had finally stopped but still, I slept poorly that night. I guess things had quieted down and now that I had time to think and reflect on my future, it didn't look quite as rosy as it did last night. I was alone. No other way to put it. After 23 years of sharing my life with another person, I was alone. The person I had planned on sharing the rest of my life with was gone. And she left tearing my heart out with her actions. I couldn't get over the fact that she had done so much to hurt me after we had shared so much together. Why did she hate me that much? I still had no idea.

My dreams kept me awake most of the night and I finally fell asleep just as the sun began to rise. I gave up just after dawn and got up to fix some coffee and toast. My stomach was one big puddle of acid and I had a headache the size of Texas. I ate the toast, drank the coffee and went in to stand under the shower for an hour. It was almost noon when I felt the first stirrings of normalcy. I finally dressed in shorts and a muscle shirt and went out to run at the park near by. I needed to burn off some of this tension and this ennui. I had to forget.

I did five miles just to punish myself, cooled down with a cold drink picked up from a vendor and walked the short walk home. I stopped to admire the setting and the park layout and spent some time just watching the people. I was beat but feeling much better about everything. It was true that exercise freed the mind.

My apartment was on the second floor and I climbed the steps up to the second level. I had a private balcony in the back but the front door was off an open air hall that ran the length of the complex. There were several stairways along the hall leading both down and up and I took the one closest to my apartment. I used my key and unlocked the door. Just as I pushed the door open to go in, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see what it was and saw her standing there. Ellen.

Without a word, she moved past me and walked into my apartment through the open door. I just stood there stupidly, trying to understand how she could be here and in my apartment. Nothing I could think of made any sense. She didn't know I was living here. Only two people knew that. Did she go to John again after I asked her not to? She must have. Damn it! I moved in and slammed the door behind me.

"Why are you here and how did you find me? Did you go back to John again after I asked you not too? Damn it Ellen, are you so determined to hurt me? Is this just another way? What more do you want? You took my heart and you threw it out like trash. You broke our wedding vows and now you're trying to ruin my professional life. What the hell did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?"

Ellen just sat there, watching me with tears streaming down her face. She hadn't said a word since she came in. She listened quietly as I railed at her but still said nothing. I was at a loss as to what to do next. I had no idea. I just sat down and held my head, dreading the headache that had now come crashing back with a vengeance. I decided that I was getting nowhere this way so I decided to take a different tact. I would just calm down and treat this like any other problem at work. First I would gather as much information as I could.

"OK then. Ellen, why are you here?"

She looked at me and decided to answer this question.

"Because this is where I belong. I'm your wife and this is my place, beside you."

Talk about hypocrisy. This was more than I could stand. I lost my new found cool and began to laugh. I thought that was the most absurd statement I had ever heard. I laughed until tears were streaming down my face. I actually felt a little better after that.

"That's really funny, coming from you. A wife has no business going out on dates with other men. She has no business inviting men into our home when I'm not there. She has no business fucking other men. That's not a wife, that's a slut."

I thought this would push her over the edge into the shouting angry shrew she had become over the last year. I waited for the outburst and then we could get on with the nasty business of divorce. Instead, she simply nodded her head up and down.

"I deserve that. I made some very serious mistakes and I don't know why. That's something that I have to discover and I intend to do just that. I'll look for a good psychiatrist once we find a place to live."

"Are you crazy or just stupid? Do you actually think I would continue to stay married to you now that you have been with another man? Now that you have betrayed me? Maybe you think it's over now and that you can just go on as if nothing had happened. It did and I can't forgive it. We're through! Get that through your head."

Again, I waited for the explosion but it didn't come. What did I have to do to make her see what she had done and why I couldn't forgive?

"I am probably a little crazy to have done the things I did but I'm not stupid. I know that you couldn't forgive me sleeping with another man and I didn't. You may not believe me but it's true. When you left that night, leaving the divorce papers and forcing me to see what I had planned, I finally hit bottom. I walked upstairs to our bedroom and looked at myself in the mirror. You were right. What I saw in the mirror shamed me. I looked like the slut you accused me of being. I had intended to let Walter have me that night: I was going to fuck another man. The proof was there in the mirror in front of me. I saw it and it suddenly slapped me right in the face."

She passed a hand in front of her eyes and tried to wipe the tears from her face. She looked around for a towel or a tissue and without thinking I rose and brought back a hand towel. She took it gratefully and I returned to my seat on the couch. I waited.

"I realized then that I had crossed a line that I should never have been close to in the first place, and it scared me to death. My mind was a mess and I couldn't think rationally, but somehow, I knew that if I let Walter into the house he was going to take everything away from me. I would lose it all if he got in the house. I ran downstairs and locked the doors and turned out all the lights. I went back upstairs, turned out those lights then sat there in the dark, shaking. I heard the door bell ring several times but I didn't answer it or make a sound. It must have been five or more minutes: he continued to ring the bell. I just sat there quiet until Walter finally left. Still I waited, afraid to go back downstairs. I don't know what I was thinking at that point. Actually, I don't think I was thinking. I just sat there in the dark and waited."

Ellen had seemed to calm down a little. I was more pleased than I thought possible to know that she hadn't gone through with her intentions.

"I must have fallen asleep on the bed since the next thing I remember is waking up the next morning with the sun coming in the windows. I hadn't drawn the blinds. I had slept for more than twelve hours straight. But at least I knew that I hadn't done what I had planned the night before. Your actions had forced me to confront myself and to look at what I had become. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I was ashamed at what I had become. You called me a shrew and you were right. I hadn't been myself for over a year and I had been drifting without direction all that time. As a result, I made some stupid decisions and it almost cost me everything."

So far, I had to admit that I was surprised by what she told me. I had no idea she realized she had changed that much even though I was on the receiving end of her actions. I knew that she had been lost when the two children left the nest for college but I didn't see the changes that were occurring. Part of that was my concentration on my job at the exclusion of my home life and the other part was withdrawal when she began to make more demands on me and my time. I just backed away and forced her to involve herself in activities outside the home and away from me. But that was only part of it. What else drove her I didn't know.

"When I asked you for a trial separation, I knew that you would still be there. You weren't at home but you were always just a phone call away. I still had you in my life. There was no real threat to my life then and I wanted to do something to make you feel the loss of our life like I did. I wanted you to see what it was like to live alone, separated from your children and your spouse. That's how I felt. I think it's what they call separation anxiety. I was alone for the first time in more than twenty years. Everyone had something to do but me. You were at work and the kids were at college and I was home alone. I know that none of that was actually real. It was a symbol of what I was feeling. I know that now."

Now she looked directly at me and her eyes were wet and red but her gaze was clear and calm. I waited for her to finish.

"When you left me, I suddenly understood what it was like to be really alone and it terrified me. Not the being alone part, but being without you. Suddenly you weren't there and I didn't know how to find you. I was truly alone and you were gone from my life so completely. No phone call, no visit, nothing. I called everyone, even Mary and Martin but they wouldn't tell me where you were or how to get in touch with you. I called your office and no one there would tell me how to reach you. I tried everyone, feeling more and more alone as I failed to find you. I almost gave up but then I gave it one last try by calling Stacy Wilson. Even though I didn't like her, I was desperate enough to try her and she said she would get me in to see her husband. I spoke with John and told him a little and I guess it worked since you called the next day."

"But I still don't know how you found me. Did John tell you where I was?"

"No. When you called, the caller ID stored your number in memory. After you hung up, and you were so cruel to me I was devastated and I was ready to accept that you and I were through until I remembered the called log. I wrote down the number and called Angie Peterson. You remember her? Her husband is a cop and I asked her to find out from him the address of the phone number. It cost me several hours of begging and pleading and yelling but she finally agreed to nag him until he got it for me. That's how I found you and that's how I came to be here."

She shrugged her shoulders and hung her head.

"I had to come here and tell you everything. I had to make sure that even if you kicked me out for good, you knew that I hadn't betrayed our marriage. I had to be sure you knew that. It was important to me that you know that at least."

I have to admit it was quite a story. She had learned the lesson I wanted her to but not the way I expected. She had to hit bottom before she saw it.

"Now that you've found me, what's changed that would make our life any better here than it was? I still have to work, the kids are still gone and nothing else has changed except the location. Why would it be any different now? You were willing to cheat on me, you made my life hell without ever giving me an explanation or a chance to make it different and you were the one that wanted a separation, a time away from me. I don't see why it would be any different in the future. I'm not going to quit my job. I might actually be working harder and longer than I was."

She raised her head and looked at me with a serious expression. She seemed more sure of herself now.

"The difference is me, not anything or anyone else. I am the one that finally realized that I need help and I need to find my way back. It isn't going to be easy and I have a lot of work ahead of me but I want to try and make it work. I want to make my life better but I want to do it with you, not without you. Without you, I have no life. I discovered that when you walked away. I know now what I'll lose if I don't change."

Now she got up and came to me to take my hands in hers. She looked deep in my eyes as she finished.

"My future is in your hands. If you let me stay and if you help me, I can be the wife you want and need. I can be who I was before, maybe even better now. But if you turn me away, I don't know what I will do. I just know I don't want to find out."

I looked deep into her eyes to try to find the truth. What I saw there convinced me that it was worth the try.

"The realtor has some houses to show us tomorrow. I think you'll like the one I picked out."

"I'm sure I will."

As she closed her eyes and said a prayer of thanks to God for giving her one more chance, Ellen knew the choice to consider a separation with her husband had been hers, and it was the wrong one. At the time she knew that, but continued anyway. The path she had been on was one filled with danger, and she never thought of the consequences. Thankfully, Spencer stopped her before it was too late.

Consequences are a bitch!