Consequences - Judith, Revisited

"Thank you Rick. You look nice as well." That was all I could get out but it was enough to break the ice. Rick looked me over and the blush spread. I enjoyed the attention and the thrill that went through me was not to be discussed in polite company.

He turned to Robert and reached out to clasp his shoulder. "Hi son. You look presentable for a change. I hardly recognized you without your 'Buckeye' shirt."

He then turned to Will. Instead of a fatherly pat on the shoulder, he reached out to take Will's hand in a firm handshake. They looked into each other's eyes for a brief second, a shared thought passing between them. Rick dropped his hand and held out the small box.

"Before we go in to dinner, I want to give you something Will. This was mine and was given to me by my father when I went off to college. He told me that I should pass it on to my own son when the time was right. I think tonight, before the big game, is the right time."

He handed the small box to Will who took it and held it as if afraid to open it. Robert was standing beside him, his feet tapping in anticipation. "Com' on Will! Open it! What is it?"

Will looked at his dad, then at me, and finally back to the box. He carefully opened it to find a gold pocket watch, the entire surface engraved with intricate vines and leaves. It was attached to a short chain with a fob at the end. As he lifted it out of the box, the gold shone brightly and the chain dangled from his hand. He gazed at it, touched the top with the other hand and pushed gently. The cover popped open and inside was a white face with golden numbers and black hands. The inside cover was mirror bright and smooth.

I looked at it and was moved at the sentiment attached. From father to son, on and on. I was glad for Will to get such a gift from his father. Robert was touched almost as much and showed no resentment for such a gift to be given to his older brother. Once again, pride in my sons took my breath away. A tear began to force its way into the corner of my eye and I quickly brushed it away.

"Well, can we go in and sit down. My legs don't seem to want to support me right now."

I smiled to take the seriousness out of my voice but Rick seemed to understand. He moved toward me, took my arm and led us into the restaurant. He had already made a reservation for the four of us. As we were shown to our table, Rick motioned to me to slide in first and then moved to sit beside me. Will and Robert sat across from us and both seemed to be pleased at something. I was trying to maintain my composure with Rick sitting so close to me. My breathing was a little erratic but I was able to bring it under control and join in to the conversation that started without me.

Dinner was a very happy affair. The boys were ravenous and both devoured a huge double cheeseburger with a big side of fries while I had a salad and a chicken salad sandwich. Rick had a steak with a baked potato and mixed vegetables. We all had dessert: pie with ice cream for the boys and Rick, a small dish of sorbet for me. After all, this dress was pretty tight to begin with. I did all right if I do say so and I was sitting next to a man that I had dreamed of many times over the past eight years. Most of those dreams were pretty erotic as well. Makes it hard to concentrate on food.

After dessert had been consumed, the boys excused themselves to head back to the room. Will had curfew and the coach would call the room at eight to check on him but he wanted to see Jill until he had to check in. He was not going to miss that call; tomorrow was too important for him to mess it up. Robert would do whatever his brother asked him to do so the two of them were fine. I watched them go with a smile. It did occur to me that I was alone with Rick for the first time in many years and the idea didn't scare me as much as I thought it would. After all, what could I lose? Rick? I lost him eight years ago and he was the only man I cared about.

Rick called the waiter over and asked for coffee for himself. He looked at me and I nodded to indicate that I would like a cup as well. I was enjoying his company and I wanted it to continue. Coffee was perfect; something to do with my hands. Rick said nothing for a while, waiting for the coffee. I was content to sit in his company, just enjoying the companionship, something I had missed so much. I asked myself; why couldn't we have parted at least as friends? I knew the answer to that. The pain I gave him was too much to ignore and forgive. I knew it well!

The coffee came, the waiter set the cups in front of us, poured the coffee and after making sure we were okay, walked away. We were truly alone. I didn't know what to say and I wondered if I was the one who should begin. After all, wasn't this the conversation I so much wanted at the time but didn't get? Should I take it now? Should I say the things I wanted to say then? I steeled my courage and was ready to begin when Rick turned to me.

"Judith, could I ask you something? Just a few questions that have been bothering me for some time. If it's OK?"

I was relieved that he would begin. And could he ask questions? Please! I would tell him anything he wanted to know! All I wanted then was to lay myself open to him and let him ask or say anything that would allow him to forgive me. I prayed that it would happen! I prayed that he would allow me the chance to tell him that he was never to blame for any of what I did!

"Of course! Anything, Rick. Just ask me."

"OK. First, is it true that you talk to me as if I'm there? As if I'm there with you?"

That's what he wanted to ask? That? God! I had hoped and prayed for this chance and he wanted to know that?

"Yes, it's true. I've always done that. Ever since I began the business. I always valued your advice but since you weren't there, I pretended you were. I knew you so well; I think I knew what you would say so I just filled in for you. You can't know how much you've helped me. Once, I was going to buy a big laser printer but when I asked you, I could just hear you say that it was too big and would cost more to operate than it would return in value. I didn't buy it. I bought a smaller one which has been perfect for my business. Good advice!"

"Why didn't you call me? Or ask my advice for real? Wouldn't that have made more sense?"

"Rick, you made it clear to me that you wanted nothing to do with me. We both know why so why would I call you to ask for your advice?"

Rick looked at me for a second, nodded in understanding and looked away. I was afraid I had made a mistake by being too direct, but he turned back and continued.

"You never date. Why is that? I know things didn't work out for you right after the divorce, but you are still beautiful, successful, and I know any number of men who would love to go out with you. Why haven't you dated?"

It was one of the questions I thought he might ask and I was ready with an answer. I prayed it wasn't a mistake to tell him. Well, again, what did I have to lose?

"I made a mistake eight years ago and I paid a heavy price for it. I had no choice but to pay that price, and I have. But, one thing I learned during my work with my shrink, Cheryl Hopkins, is that there was only one man for me and that was you. I promised myself after working with Cheryl that I would be the perfect wife for you."

I saw he was going to object and say something, so I quickly interrupted him. I had to get this out before he stopped me!

"Before you say anything, you have to understand something: I had made that promise on the plane ride home from San Diego. Wes and I had already decided to end our affair and I was ready to recommit to my marriage and to you. I realize now that it was naïve of me to assume I would be allowed my transgressions and just begin again as if nothing had happened. But then nothing I did then was reasonable, or fair, or even right.

"I screwed up bad back then. It was me, Rick! It was all me! I know that now, and I know why I did it. But, that didn't justify it. It just allowed me to understand why and to make sure I would never do it again. Even though we are divorced, I promised and I have to keep that promise. It's important to me! Even if it is only to myself.

"So, you see, to date would be to cheat on you. So, while I have seen some real cute men who I would love to date, I can't. That would be breaking my promise to myself. And, I'll tell you a secret that the boys don't know: sometimes I think of nasty things I would like to do with them but when I do, guess who I end up in bed with?"

Rick was looking puzzled and didn't answer. I smiled at him, waited another few seconds and told him.

"You! Even in my dreams, I can't cheat on you now. I may imagine them to start, but you are the one I end up with every time!"

I watched the expression on his face and I had to laugh. It was too funny. He had no idea what to say or do and that put him at a disadvantage for the first time in eight years when with me. God, how good that felt! How good it felt to say something serious and funny and preposterous to my ex-husband without fighting or cursing or anything else. It was just fun and I realized that I was having fun.

"You don't even have to say anything. I just wanted to tell you that. It's true regardless of whether you believe me or not. I know my credibility isn't at the top of your list."

Rick shook his head, not quite sure how to take that or what to say. "I'm not sure I know what you are saying, but that's fine. Another question if you don't mind. What are your plans for your future? If you don't date, and won't date another man, do you plan on being single for the rest of your life? I can't believe that would be your choice. Is it?"

"Yes."

There wasn't anything else to say. That was my choice and I made it six years ago, right after I came out of that dark place I lived in then. I explained it to Cheryl and she accepted it as a reasonable choice for me. I had my reasons and she knew what they were so she never tried to change my mind or talk me out of it.

Rick looked at me, his eyes never leaving mine. I returned his look, my confidence in my own life and my own choices giving me the strength to hold my ground. If I couldn't have Rick because of what I did to him, then I had paid the price and I was free to do as I chose. I chose to be alone.

For his part, Rick was still trying to assimilate what I told him. I had been honest; I had given him the truth and he knew it. There was little for him to say and he was quiet now. I suggested we move to the lounge and have a goodnight drink and he looked at me with a strange expression. I knew all his looks but this one was a new one to me. But, after all, eight years is a long time and people change.

Rick slid out of the booth, reached back to give me his hand to help me up and then led me to the lounge. I followed, admiring him from behind: he really was a striking man. He stopped to pay the bill while I waited in the lobby, noticing the looks from some of the men there. I was used to those and I ignored all but a few of the more interesting ones. I never let there be any misunderstanding however. No come hither looks; no lowered eyes; no simpering. None of the vibes that said, "You can have me if you want."

Rick came over, took my arm gently and led me into the lounge. We were seated at a small table toward the back and Rick sat next to me rather than across the table. I was pleasantly surprised and let him know with a wide smile. He smiled back!

"Judith, I have to tell you something. I've had a private detective check you out at different times over the last three years, just to prove to myself that Will and Robert were not lying when they would tell me about how you lived. I never wanted to invade your privacy but I did wonder about your social life."

My smile faded at his words. After what I did to him, I deserved to be punished, but after that, what right did he have to continue to monitor my behavior? It wasn't fair and it made me angry. For the first time in years, I felt I had to say something to Rick that would not be conducive to winning him back.

"After eight years and a divorce where you shut me out of your life, you wanted to investigate me? I did no such thing to you, telling my boys not to discuss you or bring any of your affairs or flings into my home. I gave you your privacy! Why couldn't you do the same for me?"

"I offer my apologies. At first I convinced myself that it was to protect my boys. But I knew that was not true. You were a great mother and they told me so many times. I knew they adored you and that you gave them everything they needed to grow and turn into the wonderful young men they are.

"Then I tried to tell myself that I was curious to see how you lived your life when you no longer had to worry about a husband. That was more realistic. More of what I wanted to know. It was a shock to see how you lived. Not dating, going out only with women or clients and their wives. I wondered why you would do that. It drove me crazy trying to understand what you were doing.

"That's one of the reasons I asked to join the three of you this evening and for the game tomorrow. I had to see you again and see for myself that you are happy and content with your life, knowing how you chose to live it. And I'm convinced! You are happy and you are satisfied with yourself and who you are. You may not believe it but you were never that way before. This is definitely an improvement!"

I listened as he spoke and strangely enough, believed what he was saying. The Rick I knew would never invade my life or my privacy without some good reason. This was his way and I knew him well. Even now. He was looking out for me and my sons. Of course!

"Well, I guess you had a reason. But I would have appreciated it a lot more if you had simply asked me. We talked from time to time. You could have just asked."

"Would you have answered me? Truly?"

"Yes Rick, I would. This is me, the me that I became five years ago. This is not the same woman who cheated on you and who you devastated so completely. I know who and what I am now. I know what I did and I paid the price. What's the expression for that? Oh, yeah: I did the crime and I did the time! Well, I did the crime and afterward it was a hell of a time for me for almost three years. First the divorce, then the aftermath, then the depression and the fall. Then I picked myself up and moved on.

"So, yeah, I would have told you. I would have told you anything you wanted to know. As a matter of fact, I would have welcomed the chance to tell you what happened to me and why I did what I did. I prayed for the chance to tell you that. I always wanted to say two things to you Rick. Just these two simple things: you were never at fault for anything I did and I'm so very sorry that I did what I did."

Rick listened intently to all I said and then when I said the very last things, I could see his eyes open wide and I swear there was a glassiness to them that suggested that he was tearing up. Rick was a strong proud man and I knew that for me to see him cry was hard for him, so I did what any loving wife would do. I stood and excused myself to go to the ladies room. I moved quickly to protect myself from the same thing and when I got inside, I let myself go. I cried to relieve the stress and then stopped. I was done! I did it and I had said what I needed to say. I was proud of myself and I felt as if a load was lifted from my shoulders from just saying those simple words. How powerful they were!

I rinsed my face with water, reapplied my lipstick, and put a few drops in my eyes to mask the redness and looked at the result. Yes! I was ready to go back.

At the table, Rick was sitting with his hands folded in front of him on the table. He looked up as he saw me coming and I was greeted with a huge smile and a look of pride. Proud of being with me? Be still my heart! Silly girl!

He stood as befitted a gentleman and waited until I sat down. Then he surprised me by saying, "Thank you for giving me time to compose myself. You always did know me better than I knew myself."

"I did indeed. But then I loved you, so it was second nature to me. It still is Rick. I still do, you know: love you."

I almost hunched my shoulders up to defend myself against his reaction. I was prepared for almost anything when I told him that: anger, pain, disgust, certainly surprise and embarrassment. Any of those would have been understandable coming from someone I had hurt as badly as I hurt Rick. I was prepared to accept the worst. What he said then, came as a complete surprise to me.

"I believe you Judith. I really do believe you love me now and that you loved me back then. I never doubted that. My actions were not taken with the idea that you loved Wes more than me. I divorced you because I was hurt so badly by your betrayal that I couldn't find a way to go forward with you.

"And I tried. I really tried when I found out what you were doing. I asked myself if there was any way I could forgive and forget what you had done. I was almost ready to accept that you had made a mistake and that we could go forward and then you told me about the trip to San Diego and then lied to me about who you were going with. That's when I knew that my love for you wasn't enough. I was left with no choice.

"And you may not believe me when I tell you that it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make: the decision to walk away. Because, like you, I never stopped loving you. Even then, knowing what you were doing, I couldn't stop loving you. I just couldn't forgive you. And I knew I would never forget."

I listened, my heart breaking, not for me but for him. The pain I caused him was too much for me to bear. I remembered the pain I felt when he threw me out, but I wasn't able to consider his pain until many years later. That came in an epiphany while working with Cheryl. And it's true: I remember the pain when I understood what he was feeling; what I had done to him. It was so much worse than any I had suffered for my betrayal.

"Rick, please. Don't go there. I understand and I don't blame you for not forgiving me. I know what I did and it's my shame to bear. You have been fair with me over the years and you've never given me anything but your cooperation with our sons. You've never thrown what I did in my face. All I can say is thank you for allowing me this time to say some things that I wanted to say and that I needed to say. It was a gift that I will cherish. Thank you."

Rick was looking at me with that look again. I still didn't understand it but it wasn't anger or resentment so I was happy about that. I felt good. I felt that maybe we could go on to become friends again. Maybe I could put him at ease by getting the conversation back to neutral topics. Or topics that he would be comfortable with.

"Tell me about Jean Chambers. The last I heard from you, it was heading toward serious. Is she about to become the next Mrs. Proctor?"

My stomach flipped when I mentioned her but I thought that if I opened the conversation about her, he would feel comfortable mentioning the upcoming marriage proposal.

Now the look on his face turned to surprise. Maybe he hadn't intended to bring her up. Maybe it was still too soon? He shook his head and answered. "I haven't seen Jean for almost two years. I'm surprised you even remembered her."

"Really? You mentioned that you thought you might actually love her the last time we talked about her. I guess I thought that marriage was in the cards."

"I was smitten at the time. She was young and aggressive and I thought that I could actually keep up with her. Boy, was I wrong! We parted shortly after I said that. I'm not seeing anyone now. Haven't been with anyone since her."