Consequences - Maxine

I sat in my office and considered the end of the last fifteen years of my life. Maxine had a small apartment across town and had seen the kids every weekend until we finally agreed on shared custody. With the divorce final, I had them during the summer months and Maxine had them during the school year. In order to make things better for the kids, I took Maxine's apartment and she moved back into the house with the kids. Tiffany was in third grade now and Leif was just starting in preschool. Mom lives with me during the summer to help me take care of them. Mom also volunteered to help Max whenever she needs help, but I had no idea who else Max had to help her.

Max and I do talk occasionally and we try very hard not to discuss the past. She still tries to get me to let her explain what happened but I get angry when she does so she finally stopped. She tried to talk to me before the divorce became final but I refused. I couldn't do it. I knew I would break down and give in if I did. It was harder on me than she knew to let her go, but I had no choice. Marriage is based on trust and mutual commitment and Maxine had broken those vows and destroyed our marriage. I still loved her of course. Nothing would change that. Unconditional love was in my genes apparently: I couldn't stop loving her regardless of what she did. So, I had no choice but to avoid her as much as possible.

I look back on our years together and I remember the good times. That was easy when I was with my kids. They represented all that was good and pure. I try not to think of the bad. I remember also the words of a very smart man: John Spalding. He told me that if I took the path I chose, I would have no chance to save my marriage. I wonder still why I chose to go the way I did. What if I had confronted her? What if I had forced her to choose? Would she have chosen me and our marriage? Even if she had, what would have stopped her from doing the same thing sometime in the future? I just knew that I would always wonder what she was doing every time things weren't just right. But still, I wonder. I wonder every night as I go home to be alone.

The question I keep asking myself is simple. "Now that I got exactly what I wanted, why am I not content?"

Consequences can be a bitch! For both sides.

Note: For those of you who have wondered where I am, my old email address was dropped by my carrier. If Jennybear and Mr. Knox from Texas and some others I was communicating with want to contact me via Feedback I would be grateful. I lost a lot of addresses and I miss my companions.

thecelt