Consequences - Patti

"We should Walt! We should, but you'll have to tell me what you want."

"I want a marriage to a woman whom I love and who loves me, someone who loves me enough to trust me and tell me what she has done and not leave me to find out on my own. I'm not expecting perfection Patti. You have faults as do I, but when the chips were down and you apparently decided not to fuck Dan Sheffield for whatever reason, you also decided you didn't trust in my love enough to tell me what you had done and left me to find out on my own. What was it that led you not to trust me and my love for you Patti? And, while I'm on a roll here, what happens next time you give into your lust? What if you don't chicken out at the last minute? Where the hell does that leave me?" Walt was shouting angrily as he reached the last of this tirade.

There were tears in his eyes and through them I could see pain, the very pain I had intended he never feel.

"There will never ever be a next time Walt. This one time has made me so frightened of losing you and all we have together that I would never ever consider doing anything like this again. I swear I won't." I replied, once again sounding, at least to myself, a lot more calm than I actually felt.

"Patti, I want to believe you, I really do, but you have already lied to me and that makes believing you very difficult. You were the one to ask for time so you will just have to wait while I try to sort through it all."

"Are you seeing Anne Marie Sheffield?" I blurted out.

Walt's look was one of indignation. "Surely you aren't about to criticize me on this after what you've done. At least I'm not plotting to fuck her!"

And with that last comment he turned and left for work!

I have no idea how I got through work that day. I suppose that they just expect you to be at least a little bit bewildered when you start a new job as no one seemed to notice my distraction and if they did, they didn't comment on it!

Clearly, no one in the office knew about my tryst with the Executive Vice President of Operations for our Company.

For the next week or so things went on from there with little change except for the fact that I was growing more anxious and fearful by the day. My "month" was passing rapidly and we had made no noticeable progress. I had been getting very little sleep and my exhaustion was beginning to fray my nerves. Interestingly enough, looking back, I can see that the turning point was when I was just about as low as I could get.

I really don't remember the exact words I used but I do remember having prepared a speech to deliver to Walt when he arrived home after another evening out, but when he finally arrived, I was so overtired and distraught that with tears running down my cheeks, I blurted out something like, "Walt, I know this is all my fault. I know I caused it but I am so afraid that I've lost you; that you're having an affair and you're going to leave me. I know you said you weren't, but I'm so confused and afraid that you are using what I've done to justify lying to me. I used to be so sure of your love and so sure of you and now I'm not and . . . and . . . I'm afraid!"

I don't know how to describe the look on his face but it was different than the hurt and angry looks I've gotten used to lately.

"Well . . . that's really tough isn't it Patti? It hurts when you're not so sure of your spouse's love and it is frightening when you're no longer sure of your spouse. . . isn't it? . . . Well God Damn! Maybe you finally have some idea of what it's like for me!"

I have no recollection of what happened then. I think Walt simply left me there and went on to bed. I was so taken back with what he said, I didn't pay any attention. After a while, I realized I was alone so I went to bed but this time, I think, with a much clearer notion of what Walt had been going through.

I tossed and turned all night but, in spite of my restlessness, I overslept the next morning and Walt was gone before I made a mad dash to avoid being too late for work.

The day seemed interminable!

I must have checked the time a dozen times or more that afternoon before it was finally quitting time. I was already exhausted and by the time I got home I could barely stay awake.

Like a zombie, I ate a little dinner then went right off to bed. Sometime in the night I woke and wondered if I had been dreaming or had Walt really had dinner ready when I got home?

In the morning Walt had coffee on by the time I got downstairs but he left before I could ask. When I got home the following evening, supper wasn't ready but as had been common before my idiocy, Walt had it started.

We spoke briefly that night. Walt told me that it had made him feel a lot better to see that I was feeling something of the insecurity he was feeling and he suggested that although no promises would be made, he would be willing to extend the one month "deadline" he had earlier agreed to.

For the next few weeks there was a noticeable thaw in our relationship. Whatever he had going with Anne Marie must have been dealt with or, pray to God, was over, as he was home in the evenings.

One weekend I was encouraged by the fact that Walt had invited Barb and Mike over for a barbeque dinner on the Saturday evening. It was a little awkward at first but we soon fell into old habits and I enjoyed the evening immensely.

During the following week, Walt was almost his old self except that we were still sleeping apart. I wanted him so badly that I decided to risk his rejection by asking but I decided to set the scene first.

That Saturday night I prepared his favorite meal, roast beef with baked potato and Yorkshire pudding with an excellent Australian Shiraz and Key Lime sherbet for dessert. Walt seemed to enjoy his supper and poured two brandies for us after dinner.

After accepting his compliments on the meal, I girded myself and asked, "Walt, I would like to sleep in your bed with you tonight. May I . . . please?"

Walt seemed to be impassively considering my request and I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable waiting for an answer when he said, "No Patti . . ."

I could feel my heart breaking but then he added, " but I do have a counter offer."

My disappointment overran my picking up on the "counter offer" for a few moments but the look on Walt's face was kind of amused and when his words finally got through, I managed to ask, "What's your counter offer?"

"If you would agree, I would rather we sleep together in our bed, in our room right after I move my things back in!"

I can't describe the joy I felt just then. The words and phrases that come to mind are, in the final analysis, inadequate.

I would like to tell you that we made mad passionate love that night, resulting in multiple orgasms for both of us, but that isn't what happened. We were awkward and fumbling but we managed to get past it and over the following months we regained much of our sexual intimacy but the consequences of my night with Dan Sheffield have been far reaching and on-going.

Although no where near as often these days, some 10 years later, I sometimes catch Walt in a brief daze and I can once again see the pain in his expression as I suspect, he involuntarily relives those awful days and nights.

I still have difficulty holding back my tears when that happens.

I know too that, over all these years, Walt has occasionally checked up on me when I was late getting home or attending some event without him.

As recently as last month, (after 10 years and two wonderful children, both sons) I was attending a women's fashion show and dinner in support of our local hospital. I was there with a neighbor and some of the women from work and as we left the hotel that night, I thought I spotted Walt following our car and it still is painful to realize that my actions caused this paranoia in such a wonderful man.

That said, it's a hell of a lot better than being without Walt in my life and so, with great regret, I accept the consequences of my behavior with a firm promise to myself to never again, willingly do anything that could endanger our marriage and cause my husband such pain.