Consequences - Samantha

I walked into the house, my mind still with Harris and the time we spent together. I was so involved with my thoughts I didn't see the empty boxes in the garage, the mess in the kitchen, or the stacks of dishes in the sink. As I walked through the kitchen and down the hallway, I didn't notice the extra chairs in the living room or the banner stretched across the family room over the fireplace. My mind elsewhere, I walked upstairs to the bedroom to change my clothes and get rid of the tight jeans and the see-through blouse before Jeff could see it.

I was humming to myself, the pleasure of my afternoon with Harris still coursing through my blood, the heat of the time we spent together making my face burn. I also could feel the soreness between my legs and I knew that I would feel worse tomorrow. I thought then that it was a good thing Jeff and I hadn't been intimate for some time. He wouldn't be likely to notice anything amiss. I walked into the bedroom and almost ran into Jeff standing just inside the doorway. I stopped in confusion as I took in his presence.

"Jeff! You scared me! What are you doing standing there?" I was beginning to panic, my top was half off and I suddenly realized that the blouse and my tight jeans were visible to Jeff if he looked. I quickly pulled my top down again as I tried to push past him. It was not to be as he blocked my path and then asked me a question that I wasn't expecting.

"Where were you? Where have you been and who were you with?" Jeff's voice was harsh and cruel and it took my breath away. I stopped, stepped back and stared into his eyes. They were cold and hard. That was the first thought that came into my head. Jeff's eyes were so different, more different than I had ever seen them. He had light gray eyes that normally sparkled when he looked at me, but now they seemed darker, less alive, more steel gray than before. Why were his eyes so different?

As his words penetrated, I gasped and thought to myself that he knew! But he couldn't know! I had been so careful, so sure of myself. I had never mentioned Harris in my conversations, never mentioned our lunches, or our time together at work. No! He couldn't have any idea of where I had been that afternoon. He was just upset at how late I was. That was all it was. I had to go on the attack! I had to distract him!

"What are you talking about, Jeff? I was at the mall all afternoon. The packages are in the car and I need you or Brad to go get them. They're in the trunk. And I was by myself, just like always. I'm sorry I'm so late but I had some trouble finding everything and then I decided to get a bite to eat before coming home. That's all."

Jeff didn't say anything but he grabbed me by the hand and dragged me from the room, down the steps and into the kitchen. I tried to resist but he didn't even pause. He wasn't very gentle about it but I was almost afraid to say anything to him. I stumbled after him, my heart beginning to pound in my chest and I was having trouble breathing naturally. I was beginning to feel a deep dread in the pit of my stomach.

Jeff stopped in the middle of the kitchen and pointed. "Look! What do you see? What do you see, Sam?"

I looked and now saw the dishes and the boxes and the printing on the sides of some of the boxes indicating 'Prentice Catering'. There were containers full of food and deserts, some nested inside other, the food spoiled. I looked around and now began to see all of those things I missed when I came home, my mind then still in the motel room with Harris.

"What. . . .? What did you do, Jeff? And where did all of this come from? Who was here? Do you. . . . . "

I looked around and could see the chairs and the banner from where I stood in the kitchen. Now I knew what happened: there was a party for me and while everyone was here, I was with him, in bed! How could I explain? What could I say? And why did Jeff and the twins do this after I told them not to? Of course they would still try to celebrate my birthday! They would do this for me! After all, they loved me! Oh, God! Oh, God, what have I done? What have I done?

Then the tears started, the pain of my betrayal slamming into me so very hard. "Jeff, I'm sorry. I didn't know so I didn't come home on time. It was just a mistake and I'm so sorry, but I didn't know you were going to have a party. You should have told me and I would have been home. I'll let everyone know it was my fault."

Jeff was not moving. He continued to stare at me and his eyes remained cold. I was beginning to feel that sense of dread grow. I had to get past this and make it up to Jeff and get his attention off of me. I felt exposed and unsure of myself. I had to get upstairs and change so that I could work on Jeff and make him forget this.

"Jeff, let me get changed and then you can tell me who was here so I can. . . . . ."

Jeff interrupted me with his next comment. "Who were you with! I asked you before and you didn't answer me. Who were you with today?"

"I was by myself! I told you that! Why are you asking me this?" I decided that I had to attack him to offset my confusion. Why would he ask me that?

Instead of being distracted, Jeff snarled, "Who were you with this afternoon for five hours in room 158 at the Hargrove Motel! Who were you fucking in that room today? Whose cock were you sucking in that room today? Answer me that, Samantha! Answer me that!"

Oh, God! He knew! He knew everything! Oh, my God, my God! I had no answer! I couldn't get my mind to function. All I could hear were those damning words from my husband's mouth. I was choking, my throat was closing up and my eyes were burning, the fear so intense I almost collapsed.

Jeff was furious and I had no idea what to do. What could I say? What could I do? I had to do something! I had to do something! But before I could say or do anything, Jeff walked toward me, reached down to grab my top by the bottom-edge and ripped it up and over my head, exposing my see-through blouse. The worst part of it was that now I was without my black lacy bra! He pulled it so hard, my arms went up without my intention and he tore the top off. He tossed it aside and stood, arms on his hips and disgust on his face, looking at my naked breasts exposed by the blouse.

I tried to cover myself but Jeff would have none of it. He grabbed my hands and pulled them apart. Then in a shocking move, he ripped the blouse open, exposing the bite marks and the swollen nipples that were still sensitive and bruised where Harris had bitten and pinched them. The tingle that I had earlier, the pleasure I felt when Harris was using me, was gone and now I felt only the pain.

My humiliation complete, I sobbed and pushed past Jeff and ran back upstairs and into the bathroom but he followed me and held the door open when I tried to close it. I was crying and screaming at him to get out, but he refused to move. I went in anyway, and took off my tight jeans. I had washed myself out before coming home but my labia was swollen and red. There were bite marks on my thighs that I hadn't noticed and my panties were missing. I had forgotten that in my haste to get out of those damned jeans I had given my bra and panties to Harris as a reminder of our time together!

I realized as I stood there, naked and exposed to my husband, the marks of my betrayal clear to him, that Jeff knew everything. I thought I had covered myself so well, and that this afternoon would be my secret and my salvation. Now I knew better and I was so ashamed. Now that it was over, and I had been caught, the fear of what could happen came to my mind. Up till now, I had considered only my pleasure, my illicit intentions and what I would gain by it, but never once had I considered the consequences of exposure. Never once had I considered what I could lose. The consequences of my actions that afternoon never entered my mind.

I reached for my robe, the one I kept behind the door for after showers and put it on. I pulled it tight to cover my body, trying to block the evidence of my betrayal from Jeff. Even that wasn't enough so I wrapped my arms tightly around my chest and held myself. I couldn't look at Jeff, unable to meet the eyes that I had seen downstairs. I couldn't stand to see that pain, that lost look. And I didn't want him to look at me. I was suddenly ashamed of my nakedness and I was ashamed for my husband to see me. I wanted only to cover myself and hide myself from his knowing eyes. I wanted that, but it wasn't to be.

"Get yourself downstairs, right now. We have things to talk about and we have to do it now. Amy and Brad are with your mother for the night. She took them when she left. They were here, along with my parents, for the party."

"Jeff, what. . . . . .?" Jeff just ignored me and went out the door and down the stairs, leaving me standing there. I didn't know what to do but I didn't want to have the conversation I knew was coming. I thought that if I didn't go down, it couldn't start. But like my foolish decision about what I did today, I knew this was also a foolish thought. I walked slowly down the stairs, holding onto the railing to prevent myself from falling. My legs were wobbly and I felt faint.

I walked slowly into the kitchen, pushed aside a stack of boxes, not caring where they fell, and sat down at the table. Jeff was already sitting, staring at the tabletop. As I looked at him, I felt some relief that I couldn't see his eyes now, but I did see a tear roll down his cheek. That took my breath away! How could one little tear do that? But it did and it told me more by itself than a thousand words could say. I knew then my selfish actions had hurt Jeff so very bad and suddenly I saw the result of my actions clearly. My feeling of dread was now in full force!

"What do the children know? Jeff, what do they know? Please tell me." I was hoping against hope that they knew nothing.

"They know, Sam. I'm sorry but they know." Jeff still wouldn't look at me, but his words were like a slap to the face.

"Why would you tell them, Jeff? Why would you hurt them before talking to me? Why would you do that?" I was angry; angry at Jeff for telling them and angry at myself for making it possible to hurt them.

"I didn't tell them, Sam! They overheard your sister tell me. It was an accident really, just a stupid accident. Patty just stumbled into it. It was her job to follow you today to make sure you didn't come home too early when we were still setting up, and then to let us know when you started for home so we get ready to spring up and yell 'surprise' when you walked through the door. She was just protecting our surprise for you."

Jeff sat up straight, his eyes drilling into mine. I noticed without thinking how red his eyes were now. I asked myself why they would be red. I answered my own question: crying, of course. How stupid of me.

"Patty followed you and then when she saw you with some man, she got interested. She followed the two of you out to your car and watched you kiss him. She said the way you were kissing told her that something was wrong. She ran to her car and got it in time to follow your car to the Hargrove Motel a couple of blocks away. She watched you and that man go into room 158 and then waited for ten minutes. When you didn't come back out, she walked up to the room and was able to peek into the window where the drapes didn't come completely together. She saw enough."

Jeff was now without emotion. He continued, his voice becoming more and more cold and remote as he relayed the information my sister had given him.

"She drove home to let me know what she saw. She was sobbing and almost hysterical but she wasn't going to tell me. I made her sit down and take a breath and then tell me what was bothering her. She didn't want to, knowing it was going to hurt me, but with everyone here and waiting to surprise you, she had little choice. As she was telling me what she saw, I looked around and saw Amy and Brad standing there. They heard it all."

"Oh, God, Jeff. What did they do? What did they say? Oh, God, what have I done?"

"They were crushed when they heard Patty tell me what you were doing. Amy broke down and cried and Brad just stood there, cursing. I didn't even try to stop him. I let them alone until they were done, and once they had let it out, I tried to talk to them and calm them down. It took some time, and then I had Patty talk to your mom and dad to let them know what happened. That had to be done so that they could handle Amy and Brad tonight."

I listened in absolute horror. How had it all come apart so quickly and so completely? One afternoon, just a simple decision to do something I had never before considered and this was the result. My family broken, my parents and my children aware of it all and my husband. . . . . Was there any hope for me? Could I put my family back together after this? I stopped my stupid crying and tried to pull myself together. I had to try, to do whatever I could to make this right.

"Jeff, what now? Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? I swear to you that this was the first and only time I've ever done anything like this, and I can promise you it will never happen again. Never!"

I stood and walked around the table to stand next to Jeff. I put my hand on his shoulder, to comfort him but he angrily pushed me away. I stood back, my shock at his anger bringing a new batch of tears as I waited for his answer.

"I don't think there's any way that can happen now, Sam. You see, I made a mistake today as well. When Patty told me what you were doing, I had to see for myself. I didn't believe you would do something like that to us. I just couldn't believe it. So, I went to the motel myself while the party was breaking up. I parked my car and walked up to room 158 and looked for the break in the curtains that Patty told me about. I found it and I looked."

"Oh, God, no! You didn't see me! Jeff, please tell me you didn't see me and what I did! Jeff, please tell me you didn't see anything! Jeff, please?"

"I can't, Sam, I can't. I saw you on that bed, him behind you with both of his hands on your tits as he slammed into you over and over. And the look on your face was enough to make me sick! You were consumed with lust and your face was twisted in a way I never saw before. Oh yes, Sam, I saw you. And it broke my heart."

Jeff was crying openly now. Tears were coursing down his cheeks and dripping onto the tabletop. I saw them and I knew. It was too late!

He got up, walked upstairs and came back down carrying two suitcases. He had packed earlier and was ready.

"I'm leaving now, Sam. I'll file the papers first thing Monday morning. We can split everything evenly, including custody of the kids. Since this is a no-fault state, there should be no problem. Brad and Amy already know my intentions and they have accepted it. They're old enough to get by.

"I don't know what you'll tell them, but I trust you with that, at least. I didn't say much more than I couldn't accept what you've done and that I need to file for this divorce. We discussed it; they wanted to see if I couldn't get past this, but I told them there was no way that could ever happen. Finally they accepted it and said they would stay here with you. They're good kids and they won't hold it against you for long. They're young and they'll forgive and forget. They will, but I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't."

"Jeff, please, don't do this. I love you with all my heart and I'm sorry! I swear I'll do anything you ask to make this up to you. Please don't leave me like this. We have to talk, to see how we can get past this and go on. We have two wonderful children and they need both of us. Jeff, please give me another chance."

I was sobbing and choking the words out but I had to try. I had to make one last effort, even if it was too little, too late. I had to try. But when he looked at me, and I saw the pain in his face and the lack of hope, I knew his answer.

"I'm sorry, Sam, but I can't do it. I can't!" With that, he turned and stumbled out the door and out of my life.

The divorce went through just like Jeff said. No fault means just that to the courts. They don't ask for counseling, although I begged Jeff's lawyer for him to join me in therapy. They don't ask for conversations and compromises, although I begged Jeff's lawyer for those as well. I refused to sign until Jeff would let me talk to him but his lawyer said that the divorce would continue anyway, with or without my signature. When I wanted to talk about visitation, again his lawyer said that would be decided by the court if I objected to sharing custody. He said joint custody is common and unless there is reason to abridge that, joint means joint and that's that. As to a conversation, Jeff refused to discuss my brief affair with Harris and said that nothing I said would change anything. He said that what I did was what caused him to divorce me. The why of it was not important to him. I had no answer for that.

I never spoke to Harris again. When he heard about my divorce, he left the firm and I never heard from him again. Of course, that was fine with me since I no longer felt anything for him. I tried to talk with Jeff but that was quickly shut down. He wanted nothing to do with me. My kids were a problem for a while but they soon forgave me just as Jeff said. Brad was worse than Amy but he eventually got past it although we aren't as close as we used to be. I hope that will change with time. They are my only contact with Jeff now. He won't even talk to me when he comes to pick them up.

That day, the day Jeff walked out, was my fortieth birthday. That was five years ago and I still remember it. I remember everything from the minute I walked into my house that day like it was yesterday. But the hours before that are different. It's strange that I can't remember that afternoon with Harris. When I try to think about that afternoon, I get sick to my stomach and that's followed by a splitting headache that lasts for hours. Strange, isn't it? The most important day of my life and I can't even remember that part of it. That's just one of the consequences of trying to remember something so terrible it ruined your life. Unfortunately there were so many more.

Consequences are a bitch!